What Marriage is and Why We Need to Get it Right

Introduction

Pedro and I have decided that it would be fruitful for us to take a short break from our way through the book of Matthew and spend a little bit of time on the topics of marriage, singleness, and family. These are issues that need to be covered in the preaching from time to time because the community of the church is a family community. The Puritans taught that the family is the smallest sub-group of the church, and we ought to see it that way. J. I. Packer quotes one Puritan saying that “a family is the seminary of church” and he quotes the Puritan Richard Baxter as saying:

Holy families must be the chief preservers of the interest of religion in the world.

Richard Baxter

The way in which we engage with our spouses and our children will be mirrored in how we treat other believers. This is why one of the standards for an elder or deacon is that they have their house in order and their children on not rebellious. Rebellious children are generally the fruit of a disordered home, an unhappy marriage is generally the fruit of a disordered view of love, and if we are to create a Christ-centred church culture, we must go to the roots of how we engage with family.

Today we will begin with the first of three messages on marriage, we will then look at the relationship between children and parents for two weeks and end with a message on singleness. If you are single, I encourage you to keep your attention for the first five messages, since all of them will help you in your church life as well as your relationships with those closest to you.

What is Marriage?

Let us begin with marriage, and the first question we must look at is, what is marriage? This is an important question to answer because the messages and ideas about marriage that we unknowingly take in from the world are often false and we must take time to realign our view with what Scripture teaches. That is why I have chosen these texts to examine today, since I believe they give us the clearest picture of what marriage is according to Scripture.

Marriage is a covenant

First, marriage is a covenant. Here is what I mean by that:

It is based on mutual promises rooted in love. We’ve looked at covenants recently in Sunday School and how they are different from contracts. The main difference is love.

Love cannot be in a contract because contracts are defined by mutual agreement of services or goods. I agree to do something for you, you agree to do something for me. A covenant is different. Love is a state of the heart, and I’m not talking merely about romantic love but real, sacrificial love which we will look at in more detail in a future message.

This love is a commitment of the heart to do what is best for the other person, to love them as you love yourself. Its not an emotional state, but a spiritual one. You’ve devoted not only certain outward duties, but you’ve agreed to commit you entire person to them.

As our text in Genesis 2:21-24 says, this love makes a married couple one flesh. This does not take away individuality, but what it means is that you are bound to look after and love the other person as your own flesh. You are devoted to their wellbeing, their needs, their desires, their goals, their betterment, and their happiness as much as you are devoted to your own. That is what biblical love is.

Christ’s love defines our own. As Christ set aside himself for his covenant people, the church, we are called to lay ourselves down for the other. In a real spiritual sense, they are now part of us. Adam’s rib is reunited with his body, and to ignore that rib, or for the rib to ignore him, would be a sin not only against another individual, but against yourself.

It is legitimate in the eyes of God. God not only endorses marriage, but he created it. It was he who took the rib from Adam, made woman from it, and brought her to Adam to be his wife. He wed them personally, as officiate and witness to the holy union of a man and a woman. This means that marriage is a sacred institution, holy in the eyes of God. How we treat it is very important to God. Peter tells us that men who mistreat their wives could have their prayers hindered by it. Marriage is that important to God. It is a covenant with another human being, created in God’s image, which God establishes and holds us accountable to.

Marriage is a covenant consecrated by God.

John Calvin

Marriage is a creation ordinance

This leads us to the next part of defining marriage; that it is a creation ordinance. That means that the same God who created the world, the heavens, the earth, the sea and all that is in them numbers marriage as one of his fine creations. It is to be enjoyed and treated with respect, just like any other one of God’s creations.

It was created when God said it was not good that man should be alone, and a helper was needed to be suitable for him. This was not only the beginning of marriage, but the beginning of community and fellowship between image-bearing creatures. That is why many of the things we are going to talk about concerning marriage and family apply to all relationships to an extent. How you treat your spouse is going to be a starting point for how you treat your neighbour when you are called to love your neighbour as yourself. How you treat your parents is going to be a picture of how you treat authority, and how you treat your children is going to display how you treat those under your authority.

Marriage is prime real estate for Satan to advance and destroy, for he knows that destroying the family will destroy the church.

There is no estate to which Satan is more opposed as to marriage.

Martin Luther

The introduction of gay marriage, polygamy, polyamory, and other distortions of marriage are Satan’s devices to destroy the church and all contain a lie. Gay marriage says that the church can marry itself and rely on its own traditions and ways rather than Christ. Polygamy says that Christ has more than one bride, and leads to universalism that opposes the Biblical idea that there is only one way to know God. Polyamory says that we can serve Christ along with others husbands, other lords of our choosing. So we see that how we view marriage will make its ways into our theology, which is why we must get it right. If Satan can destroy the marriages of this church, he can destroy the church from the inside. This does not just apply to perverted versions of marriage. An unsubmissive wife says that the church need not obey Christ. A tyrannical husband paints Christ as a hard master who shows no love to his people, and church authority will act the same way. A marriage lacking passion and intimacy displays a view of Christ as dispassionate and church devotion as merely formal and outward, without any passion in prayer or worship. A marriage that intentionally avoids having children speaks of a church that is unfruitful in evangelism and discipleship. I hope you can see how getting marriage wrong will impact how we see the relationship of Christ and the church, which we will go into more detail on shortly.

Marriage’s Immediate Purpose

Marriage has two immediate purposes. What I mean by immediate is purposes that are for the here and now, they are the purposes that fulfill human need, although these are not the main purposes of marriage, as we will see, they are important and foundational to this creation ordinance.

Children

First, there is the need for children. The original command to man and woman was to fill the earth and subdue it, and that is done through bearing children. In the New Covenant, this is done primarily through evangelism and the spread of the Gospel, but in the Old Testament the idea of an unmarried person who did not expect children from that marriage was practically unthinkable. So today, those who are not single but are married still have the responsibility to seek children. God’s providence sometimes blocks this prospect, as he did for many years for Sarah and Hannah. In these cases, those marriages should be all the more focused on evangelism and using the extra time and resources to serve the purposes of the Kingdom of God. However, in most cases children are a part of the married experience and should be embraced as such.

No command for how many children, but a principle for seeing them as the biblical fruit and blessing of marriage.

Of course, the bible never tells us how many children to have, so there is liberty of conscience here. However, the biblical norm is to see children both as a responsibility and blessing in marriage.

Responsibility. God has given most married people the responsibility of being fruitful and multiplying. This does not mean having as many children as possible, but it does mean that we have the responsibility to bring godly, disciplined, well-taught, and wise people into this world. This has never been more crucial than now, where the general population is set to fall rabidly because of the low birthrates among millennials and because the way the world teaches children today is sure to fill it with ungodly, foolish, ignorant people. As salt and light in this world, propagating wise children into godly citizens is a great burden we must lift by the grace of God. Not that our children's salvation is in our hands, but bringing them up to be instructed by the Word of God is.

Blessing. Someone once said to me that couples who do not have children are missing out on one of life’s greatest experiences. This is true, but we have been taught to view children as an inconvenience rather than a blessing. Scripture never tells us to pursue a life of financial success and loads of free time to ourselves. Children are meant to fill our homes and be a joyful part of being married. They are the fruit of an intimate marriage, the joy of a happy marriage, the labour of a committed marriage, and the abundance of a persevering marriage.

Companionship

The second immediate purpose of marriage is companionship. It was not good for the man to be alone, and so it is good to have the close, intimate companionship which was God’s answer to Adam’s dilemma.

Companionship means being humbled to the point of acknowledging dependence on someone else. This is beneficial for us, since we are all dependent on God. The relationships we have in this life and in the next are reflections of the fellowship we are to have with our creator. Marriage portrays this and is meant to reflect everything that a loving relationship is supposed to be. In a word, marriage is the foundation for all companionship. If we get the companionship found in marriage wrong, we risk the blessings of all fellowship with fellow image-bearing creatures.

The marriage relation lies at the very root of the social system of nations.

J. C. Ryle

This companionship is based on love. We are called to love our neighbour as ourselves, and that starts with the most intimate, close, and direct neighbour you have: the one that shares the other side of the bed! This is why this is helpful for you who are single, because what we see in how we love our spouses is mirrored in how we love our neighbours. A husband lays down his life for his wife, and we should all lay down our lives for each other. But marriage is also special and sacred; that man should lay down his life for his wife first before laying it down for anyone else. Marriage is the closest of companionships, which is why it is a shame when you have marriages where the spouses are not each other’s best friend. They will tell things to their confidant, they will share things with their friends that they will never share with their spouse. Their spouse becomes a burden to them, someone that they live with but cannot honestly call their best friend. We’ve bought the demonic lie that God did not know what he was doing when he gave you your best friend at the alter.

Marriage’s Eternal Purpose: The Mystery of Christ and the Church

But there is a greater purpose for marriage, one that transcends all these immediate purposes that are meant to fill our days with joy. There is an eternal purpose for marriage and that is that marriage is meant to preach the gospel.

We must consider marriage in terms of the doctrine of the atonement.

Life in the Spirit in Marriage Home and Work, 148

David Martyn Lloyd-Jones

According to our text in Eph 5:32, the purpose of marriage is Christ and the Church. In fact, the purpose of all community and fellowship is to mirror the love that we have for Christ and that Christ has for us. This is an eternal purpose, where Christ plays the role of husband and the church plays the role of wife. Together they are inseparable, unified in Spirit, one flesh, which is why we can call ourselves the body of Christ

Romans 12:5 ESV

so we, though many, are one body in Christ, and individually members one of another.

The mystical union we have with one another is vitally tied to our union with Christ, and so it is in marriage. The union we have with our spouse a union that transcends the here and now, it goes beyond what eyes can see, it is a beautiful portrayal of Christ and the Church. This has a few implications:

Marriage is not about you or your spouse. Just as a movie is not about the actors but the story they play out, a marriage is not about those involved but about Christ. You spouse may not deserve your love, and you may not be willing to fill your marital duties, but what is that in the big picture? You are linked to each other to play a role. You are actors on a stage bringing to life something much greater than you or your spouse. Don’t love your spouse for their sake or yours, love them for Christ’s sake.

Marriage cannot be done pragmatically, that is, what is practical is not what is important. It may be practical for the wife to support the husband, but that is not what pictures the role of Christ and the Church. It may not be practical to love your wife if she doesn’t return that love, but how often does Christ show love to his bride without return? He went to the cross while we were still sinners! You husband may not be a respectable person, but that doesn’t matter when you realize you are playing a role that is greater than your husband.

Divorce is out of the question. Except for unrepentant marital unfaithfulness, the Bible gives no reason for divorce and it explicitly says that God hates it (Mal 2:13-16). Christ will never leave his Church, and the Church must never leave Christ. So you, though you may struggle in your marriage, cannot let that suffering cause a fracture in your display of Christ’s love.

Monogamous, heterosexual marriage is the only kind of marriage that God approves of. Anything else disrupts the picture of Christ and the Church.

You can only marry a true believer. While those already in a marriage with an unbeliever should stay as they are, you must not entertain a marital or romantic relationship with a worldly person. Christ does not take the world as his bride, neither can you take one from the world an unite to them in this way.

Marriage is a shadow. Don’t idolize your marriage or your spouse, nor even the idea of marriage. It is a temporary picture that will fade into eternity. You wife will always be your sister in Christ, and your husband your brother, but you will not always be man and wife. See your marriage in light of eternity as a vapour that briefly, though importantly, displays a reality that will soon become visible when Christ returns.

Conclusion: Why We Need to Get it Right

I know that, having looked at these biblical truths, some of you may be frustrated that your marriage does not look like this. Hard work needs to be done, and it may seem like a mountain, but take it a step at a time. Don’t expect a perfect marriage tomorrow, and don’t expect your spouse to necessarily change because you do. Don’t rely on them, rely on Christ. He is the one your are worshiping by going about doing your duty in joyful service. This is your ministry, and this is why you should pursue it.

As a Witness to the World

First, as a witness to the world. Show the world what a Christian marriage is like, and show the world what a godly husband or a godly wife looks like. In doing so, your witness to them will be strengthened as you go about living the Gospel as a picture in your marriage.

To Create Loving Homes able to raise godly children

Second, to create loving homes able to raise Godly children. Is your home a place that will produce godly children? Again, you cannot control God’s sovereignty over salvation, but you can do everything possible to be the means by which he saves. You children are your first mission field, and that begins with your marriage. The first place your children will see the Gospel acted out is in how your treat your spouse. When they see daddy loving their mom, even if mom doesn’t deserve it, or when they see mommy submitting to and supporting dad even when dad doesn’t deserve it, they will see the Gospel in action. But even better will be when they see the romantic, selfless dance of love and service to one another at the same time. Before anything else, this is how you will lead your children to know God.

For the Benefit of the Church

Third, for the benefit of the church. Do you want a church that is full of loving individuals who are Christ-like in their commitment to one another? Then show that love yourself, first and foremost in the home. A church full of godly marriages will be a church full of godly people who love one another.

To Fulfill the Command “Love your neighbour as yourself”

That leads us to number four, to fulfill the command to love your neighbour as yourself. Loving your neighbour is not easy or natural, as Jesus shows us in the parable of the Good Samaritan, but it is one of the great commandments and part of how we love Christ. If you cannot love your spouse, who can you truly love? Those you get along with? Those easy to love? Even sinners love those who love them. No, this love is part of how we love God. You must love your spouse as yourself if you are to follow Christ, for he loved his neighbour, you, to the point of dying for your sins while you were still a sinner and an enemy.

Ultimately, to Glorify Christ

But all these pale in comparison to our fifth and final reason to pursue godly marriages: the glory of Christ. Is he not glorious? Is his love not profound and excellent? Is he not beautiful? I don’t know what your marital situation is like, although I know a few of your struggles and I pray for them dearly. But beyond those struggles and difficulties, beyond the fights, the cold shoulders, the angry thoughts, and the conflict is the glory of Christ. Seek first the Kingdom of God and his righteousness and all these things will be given to you. God knows your situation, he knows your struggle, Christ knows how hard it is to love people who are difficult to love. But he did love the unlovable for his own glory. Look past the imperfections and failures of your spouse and seek Christ in your marriage. Seek the holiness without which no one will see the Lord. Seek obedience to God that is a pleasing aroma to the Father. Seek a marriage of worship to him who died a death of love and rose from the grave to give you hope for eternity. Paint a picture with you marriage of Christ and his Church, and Christ himself will honour you and the Spirit will help you as you take up your cross, step by step, loving and loving some more, showing Christ, until you see him face to face.

I’ll end with one of my favourite quotes from the Church Father Tertullian as he describes the Christian marriage. May this saying be the foundation and goal. If you are married to a believer, take this quote and vow to make it your mutual goal as you walk together painting the Gospel with your marriage.

“How beautiful, then, the marriage of two Christians, two who are one in home, one in desire, one in the way of life they follow, one in the religion they practice . . . Nothing divides them either in flesh or in spirit . . . They pray together, they worship together, they fast together; instructing one another, encouraging one another, strengthening one another. Side by side they visit God's church and partake God's banquet, side by side they face difficulties and persecution, share their consolations. They have no secrets from one another; they never shun each other's company; they never bring sorrow to each other's hearts . . . Seeing this Christ rejoices. To such as these He gives His peace. Where there are two together, there also He is present.”