Quest for Love

Introduction

Text: Gen 24:1-67 a

Finding the right spouse is not always as easy as it seems on paper. But getting married can be scary. People avoid taking any steps towards a relationship for the following reasons:

1. They are afraid to get hurt again

2. So many marriages end in divorce

3. Afraid of commitment

4. Culture tells to try before you buy

5. Getting married might be scary because you just don’t know how to find the right one.

Growing up there was a lot of debate about dating, courtship or Gothard betrothalism. All the terms were thrown out as a solution to the problem for how to find a wife. As we look at culture today, we must admit that dating today is not what it was back in the old days. Traditional dating as far as I have found seeing as I wasn’t around in the 1950’s was different than today. In those days, you might date more than one person because dating was more of a social activity where you hung out with friends or went to a movie. There was no commitment until you went steady. Then you would only dance with that person and didn’t date anyone else. This was marked by giving her a pin many times. If the relationship went as expected, the couple would get engaged. The goal of this type of dating was always eventually marriage and fewer people got divorced back then.

Today’s dating usually involves flipping through pictures on an app like Tindr to find someone you think is attractive, contacting said person through the app and arranging a first date at a bar or club. Sex is often very quickly to follow and you might just be looking for a one night thing. Couples who are more serious might continue dating and eventually they might move in together. In a way loving like they are married when they are not.

We could ask ourselves what changed? The main thing that changed was purpose and commitment. Dating is more about physical pleasure and fun then seeking a spouse. And even when it becomes more serious many are afraid to commit to that relationship. They are told, “How do you know if you are compatible if you don’t live together first?” And so many never take marriage vows.

Many studies have been done which show that couples who move in together before marriage are more likely to get a divorce after marriage. This is because the foundation that was laid was a lack of commitment.

In Christian circles, we have our methods for dating and I don’t really care about the terms, but we have tried to come up with a more biblical method for dating. The problem is that some people have taken a Jewish cultural practice and made it into a commanded practice within the Church. When we look at the bible, we must make a distinction between what is practiced and what is prescribed for us to do. One easy example of this truth is the practice of the Holy Kiss. This was done when people greeted one another in near eastern cultures. In fact it is cultural in some countries today, but is the bible commanding us to go around kissing each other. The purpose behind this command is to great one another.

Traditional Jews practice a dating called Sidduch which when we start looking at it has a lot of parallels with the bible. But God is not commanding us to follow every detail of practice by some person in the bible. When I started studying this as a young adult, I was surprised by all the examples that did not follow principles of biblical courtship: David and Abigail, Boaz and Ruth. What you will find if you study the examples of the bible is that each person found love in a different way. God takes us down different paths to find our spouses.

Rather than give you a system and fight over names for what we do, I want to give you 10 principles from the life of Isaac and Rebecca.

Spiritually on the same page vs 4

Gen 24:4 “But thou shalt go unto my country, and to my kindred, and take a wife unto my son Isaac.”

Abraham was concerned that Isaac not marry someone from the pagan cultures of Canaan because he knew that they would turn his heart from God. If you want an example of this just look at Solomon. There is a truth, that your way of thinking, values and desires will be shaped by the person you are in love with. You might think things are good now, we can agree to disagree; but that won’t last. Someone will compromise or there will be conflict.

I will win him to the Lord- Very rarely does this ever happen. In fact, most of the time it just adds stress on the wife. But whether it works or not is not the issue. God has commanded the Christian not to marry a lost person. Speaking to widows Paul tells them they can marry again but only in the Lord. in 1 Cor 7:39 “The wife is bound by the law as long as her husband liveth; but if her husband be dead, she is at liberty to be married to whom she will; only in the Lord.” The passage in 2 Cor 6:14 “Be ye not unequally yoked together with unbelievers: for what fellowship hath righteousness with unrighteousness? and what communion hath light with darkness?” gives a principle about partnerships but what greater partnership could exist outside of marriage. God’s will is for Christians to marry Christians because he knows they will have an effect on your heart.

I will change him- Changing your spouse rarely ever happens. If you go into a marriage thinking you will change him, you will be frustrated quite often. Especially if it is the man who is not where he should be, things will be harder. Usually what is going to happen is you are going to compromise your beliefs.

We will come to have our own beliefs- Maybe you think you will forge your own beliefs as a couple. Thats good except that means you are going to have to give up on some of your beliefs. Again you most likely won’t change him. What things are you willing to compromise? If God says it, then there should be no compromise.

They have to be willing to marry you-

Gen 24:5 “And the servant said unto him, Peradventure the woman will not be willing to follow me unto this land: must I needs bring thy son again unto the land from whence thou camest?”

It can be easy to get hung up on someone who just doesn’t love you. Don’t pine your whole life away over someone who doesn’t love you. Maybe its an ex- boyfriend or that girl who just doesn’t even seem to acknowledge who you are.

I am not saying don’t pursue and try to win her over, but at some point there comes a point when “no” really means “no.” Some people get stuck in a season of life where they just cannot move on.

I get it. When my ex-fiance broke up with me, I struggled for nearly two years afterwards. It was hard to commit to a relationship with anyone else because I was still hurting.

You can’t make someone love you back. God has someone better out there for you. Don’t miss out on an opportunity to find that one because your stuck in the past.

Seek God’s guidance

This is probably one of the most pieces of advice to give. God has a will for your life and so many young people don’t consider whether this guy or girl is the type of guy or girl that God would want for them to date. Do you really want to please God in your relationships?

Gen 24:7 “The Lord God of heaven, which took me from my father’s house, and from the land of my kindred, and which spake unto me, and that sware unto me, saying, Unto thy seed will I give this land; he shall send his angel before thee, and thou shalt take a wife unto my son from thence.”

Sometimes I think we complicate this issue too much. We make it like God has to give us a sign for us to know which girl he wants us to marry. As we see in the story of Abraham, when the time was right God made it obvious. Gen 24:12-14 “And he said, O Lord God of my master Abraham, I pray thee, send me good speed this day, and shew kindness unto my master Abraham. Behold, I stand here by the well of water; and the daughters of the men of the city come out to draw water: And let it come to pass, that the damsel to whom I shall say, Let down thy pitcher, I pray thee, that I may drink; and she shall say, Drink, and I will give thy camels drink also: let the same be she that thou hast appointed for thy servant Isaac; and thereby shall I know that thou hast shewed kindness unto my master.”

Prayer is a key ingredient to finding God’s will for your life. If you just don’t know where to start looking for a spouse or you have given up hope on ever finding one, but you want to get married. Don’t give up on asking God to move in your life.

Walking in God’s will is an important ingredient for finding God’s will for your life. Gen 24:27 “And he said, Blessed be the Lord God of my master Abraham, who hath not left destitute my master of his mercy and his truth: I being in the way, the Lord led me to the house of my master’s brethren.” So many people stress out about knowing God’s will for college, their career, and getting married; but they are not living in obedience to what God has already revealed for their life. God’s will is God’s word. Live in obedience to God and you will be in a position to be led by Him.

Sometimes a fleece is not wrong but don’t think that God is obligated to show you His will in this manner. Abraham’s servant set out a fleece. He prayed and asked God to reveal His will by bringing a girl who would not only give him water but also his camels.

Some versions of courtship use matchmakers. As we see in this story, God used such a method. You all know the story of Fiddler on the Roof. Traditional Jewish practice of getting married does involved a matchmaker who advertises for the potential spouse. I don’t think this is wrong, but it would be unbiblical to say this is how it must be. Boaz and Ruth did not have a matchmaker. Remember the words of Tavia: Adam and Eve had no matchmaker and yet they found God’s will.

Do not compromise your faith and morality to get a spouse.

Gen 24:8-9 “And if the woman will not be willing to follow thee, then thou shalt be clear from this my oath: only bring not my son thither again. And the servant put his hand under the thigh of Abraham his master, and sware to him concerning that matter.”

In seeking for a bride for Isaac, Abraham was not willing to compromise his faith. As we have already seen, he did not want him to marry a heathen. He also was not willing to accept a plan B. There was no compromise just to get a wife.

So many people are willing to date a guy who is lost thinking they will get him saved later. Or they date a guy who doesn’t love the Lord thinking they can change him. Maybe their beliefs on some very practical areas are different:

discipline of children

faithfulness to church

standards

Theological beliefs

Some of these things seem minor to a lot of people. We can agree to disagree; but that rule does not translate into marriage so easily. In marriage you really do need to be on the same page. If you aren’t on the same page, you will have one of two results: compromise or conflict.

You need to be actively seeking.

Finding a spouse is not a passive activity. When I was younger I used to pray that God would just drop the right one in my lap, but God expects us to be involved in this process. Gen 24:10 “And the servant took ten camels of the camels of his master, and departed; for all the goods of his master were in his hand: and he arose, and went to Mesopotamia, unto the city of Nahor.” Abraham’s servant had to get up and travel to where he needed to be. He put himself in a place where God could lead. Remember his words: I being in the way, the Lord led me.

Proverbs 18:22 “Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, And obtaineth favour of the Lord.” Findeth is an active verb. It means effort is involved. Some people think taking effort to find a spouse is not trusting the Lord to lead but that is not how things work in Christianity.

For an example, think about how walking in the Spirit works. We have no strength or power on our own to overcome sin that is why we need the Spirit’s enabling to overcome sin; but He does not magically transform us and make the sin go away. There is human effort involved. Think of a windmill: the wind blows the blades of the mill thus moving the mill. But the mill still moves. It is still active.

Proverbs 31:10 “Who can find a virtuous woman? For her price is far above rubies.”

Focus on character

Many people put an emphasis on looks in choosing a spouse and looks do play a role. You wought to find your wife attractive, but beauty is temporary. If your relationship is only built on looks, you will eventually stop loving that person. More importantly than looks is character. The bible places an emphasis on finding a good wife.

Proverbs 19:14 “House and riches are the inheritance of fathers: And a prudent wife is from the Lord.”

Proverbs 12:4 “A virtuous woman is a crown to her husband: But she that maketh ashamed is as rottenness in his bones.”

All of Proverbs 31.

In Genesis 24:14-20 shows us what kind of wife, this servant was looking for for his master’s son:

service vs 14 will give

kindness vs 14 kindness unto my master

purity vs16 virgin

respect vs18 lord

hardworking vs 20 ran

Keep your family involved.

Our society has created a disconnect between generations. It is to the point that parents actually have no involvement in the marriage of their children most times. If anything it is just to pay for the wedding. But that is not how things were done back then. I see here a principle that is pretty consistent in the bible: as long as the child is in the home, they are under the authority of their parents.

1 Cor 7:36-38 “But if any man think that he behaveth himself uncomely toward his virgin, if she pass the flower of her age, and need so require, let him do what he will, he sinneth not: let them marry. Nevertheless he that standeth stedfast in his heart, having no necessity, but hath power over his own will, and hath so decreed in his heart that he will keep his virgin, doeth well. So then he that giveth her in marriage doeth well; but he that giveth her not in marriage doeth better.”

Gen 24:50-51 “Then Laban and Bethuel answered and said, The thing proceedeth from the Lord: we cannot speak unto thee bad or good. Behold, Rebekah is before thee, take her, and go, and let her be thy master’s son’s wife, as the Lord hath spoken.”

Family are some of the only ones who will love you enough to tell you this guy is a dud. I know you don’t always want to hear that, but family loves you. They may not understand, but don’t write them off so quickly. Obviously, this doesn’t work when you are out of the home as much.

Consider the example of David and Abigail. David did not get his parents permission to marry Abigail. This was his second marriage after Milcah had left him and he was already leading an army by this point. So circumstances and the amount of authority the parents have do change, but the principle is still that they should be involved.

Make sure you love them.

One of the last verses of the chapter highlights the love of Isaac for Rebecca. Later on when you read the story of Jacob and Rachel you see that he loved her. Contrary to popular opinion and Fiddler on the Roof they were concerned with love in their relationships.

Gen 24:67 “And Isaac brought her into his mother Sarah’s tent, and took Rebekah, and she became his wife; and he loved her: and Isaac was comforted after his mother’s death.”

Jewish culture actually forbad forcing a girl to marry someone who she did not want to marry. The children could always override or veto an arranged marriage.

Conclusion

When you have been single for awhile or you are carried away with the passion of desire for someone, there can be a temptation to do whatever works to find a spouse. I want to encourage you not to give in to that temptation. God has laid out some principles that we need to keep in mind when we are seeking to get married.

Trust God that He actually loves you. He is not mean and hurtful. He wants whats best for your life and in His time He will bring it to pass if it is His will.

Really I want to ask you this Do you really want to please God more than you want to find a spouse? Compromise is just a sign that you don’t love God above even this relationship.