Blessed Singleness

In the summer of 2009, I became friends with a guy named Daniel. Daniel was a guy how loved to have fun, came across as confident and capable, we enjoyed spending time together. But when it came to Anna, Daniel was a little nervous. Hailing from Texas, she spoke with a slight southern draw and carried that southern politeness. Throughout the summer, I encouraged him and pushed him, toward her. At the same time, one of my female friends talked to Anna, pushing her towards Daniel. By the end of the summer, they were dating and we were excited about our match making abilities. My excitement was rekindled a few years later when Daniel proposed. Today, Daniel and Anna live Fort Wayne Indiana with their 6 kids.

This is a fun story, and there are a lot more details I could share. But what I want to address is that it was also the beginning of a problem. In my match making success, I felt that perhaps, I had some sort of ability or gifting. As a result, there were more people who I then started working on. I tried to walk alongside them, at times I even played the middle man. If I am being totally honest, my inner romantic started to equate couples as blessed and singles as people who were missing out. As I continued, I found how complicated and strenuous it can be for a relationship to start. I also found myself encouraging people in ways that made them feel a sense of missing out. In retrospect, I would say I may have inadvertently encouraged and pushed people who were content into discontentment.

Culturally this is normal. Relationships, love, and sex are the number one topic in music, books, ads, and all forms of tv. We even see it in politics, that families are foundational to western society. With all this, we find an underlying message, that “joy, having contentment, maturing as a person, and happily ever after are found in marriage.”

We also see this play out in the community of the church. This general posture in its own way, communicates, God’s desire for people is to marry. That marriage is better than singleness.

This is problematic:

What happens when we buy into this idea... and we cannot find a suitable spouse? What happens when we are getting a little older and still have not found someone? How does that affect the way I see myself? The way I seek out the things I believe I need?

If marriage is seen as leading to a completing or fulfilling life, yet marriage isn’t achieved - it will leave you feeling lonely and spiritually hindered.

What about when we do find someone, we get married, and fifteen years in we find ourselves in the middle of an ugly divorce?

We bought into the idea of marriage being the answer, only to experience gut wrenching pain that will linger and express itself in our lives for years to come.

Or, what if we marry and then experience tragedy, the loss of a loved one?

If marriage in anyway is viewed as bringing about fulfilment or completion - we will easily believe that we have lost everything. Or, that we are now in some way damaged goods.

There are many reasons that this is problematic.

John 1:16 “For from His fullness we have all received, grace upon grace.”

Marriage can certainly help us enter into refinement and sanctification. But it is Jesus that offers Grace upon Grace! I call this to our attention because it is easy to misappropriate the value of marriage, particularly to the soul. The reality is we receive fulness from God. We receive refinement, fulfilment, and sanctification from God. Everything we are looking for and need in this life is found in having right relationship with God.

This is the truth that the church needs to always elevate. That in Jesus we can experience the fulness of His blessing.

Colossians 1:28 “Him we proclaim, warning everyone and teaching everyone with all wisdom, that we may present everyone mature in Christ.”

NIV - “Perfect in Christ” - NASB - “Complete in Christ”

As we look horizontally at fellow believers in Christ, this is the aim of the church. To develop, to reach out, to love, to encourage and exhort each other in the word of God and through prayer - until we all find maturity and completeness in Jesus.

If we want to be complete, mature, then we have to look to Jesus. Its not complicated… in fact, it is quite simple, surrender your life to Jesus everyday and live according to His purposes for your life. If you do, you will experience all that God has for you in this life and more.

Read Ephesians 1:3-14 with me and pay attention to the many ways we as believers are blessed by Jesus.

Ephesians 1:3–14 (ESV)

3 Blessed be the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, who has blessed us in Christ with every spiritual blessing in the heavenly places, 4 even as he chose us in him before the foundation of the world, that we should be holy and blameless before him. In love 5 he predestined us for adoption to himself as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will, 6 to the praise of his glorious grace, with which he has blessed us in the Beloved. 7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace, 8 which he lavished upon us, in all wisdom and insight 9 making known to us the mystery of his will, according to his purpose, which he set forth in Christ 10 as a plan for the fullness of time, to unite all things in him, things in heaven and things on earth.

11 In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will, 12 so that we who were the first to hope in Christ might be to the praise of his glory. 13 In him you also, when you heard the word of truth, the gospel of your salvation, and believed in him, were sealed with the promised Holy Spirit, 14 who is the guarantee of our inheritance until we acquire possession of it, to the praise of his glory.

If we really want to have a good grasp of why marriage is good we need to evaluate the blessings of marriage. But we can’t get tunnel visioned. As there are great blessings in marriage there are also great blessings in being single. Before we go on pressuring or encouraging people to enter into relationships we need to take a step back. Because marriage has been good and right for you doesn’t mean it is good and right for them.

Don’t project the blessings you have experienced in marriage on a single - as if they need it in order to experience the fulness of life or in order to be sanctified before the Lord. Nowhere in this passage does it say that married people experience “every spiritual blessing.” The reality is that if you are surrendered to the Lord and seeking Him, you will experience “every spiritual blessing.” The Lord, in His own timing and in His own way is at work in each of our lives.

All this to say, that singles are not necessarily single because

they are damaged as if something was wrong with them. Nor are they missing out on a foundational component to life.

Singleness does not necessarily reflect maturity or immaturity, particularly in a spiritual sense.

Sometimes, singles who long for marriage and have started to age are tempted to believe that God has kept blessing from them. but that is not the case.

Page Benton Brown “I am not single because I am too spiritually unstable to deserve a husband or too spiritually mature to need one. I am single because God is good and this is His best for me.”

Blessedness is really the framework that we need to use in light of this conversation. There are many people who will point to scripture to defend their posture on marriage and singleness. If you study enough, you will find that there is a shift in how we look at marriage from the Old Testament, to the New Testament.

We first see the idea of blessedness in Genesis 1:22 “22 And God blessed them, saying, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the waters in the seas, and let birds multiply on the earth.”” The idea of being fruitful is not simply multiplying, but rather, it is the idea of flourishing. God intended for the world to flourish based on the way in which He blessed its design. Part of that flourishing is when God shares His life producing ability. Thus, multiplying is a blessing from God in that He has directly shared that ability with us.

A few chapters later God makes a promise to Abraham.

Genesis 12:2 – “I will bless you and make your name great, so that you will be a blessing.”

Genesis 15 – I am your shield and reward

The number of your offspring will be like the stars

I will give you land to posses

So, God’s desire for Abraham’s family is to flourish and multiply. But more than that, God is going to use Abraham’s family to restore this world to Himself in order that all may flourish, unhindered by the curse of sin.

So Abraham's family grows into the nation of Israel. God then re-affirms His covenant to Israel at Mt. Sinai. At this point, the people are commanded to live under God’s law, to embrace Him and Him alone. Choosing to live according to His plan, participating in the promise God made to Abraham - that through his offspring he would be a blessing to all of the nations of the earth.

God again re-affirms this promise in Deuteronomy 7:13-14

I will love you

Land: Grain, wine, oil, herds, and flocks

Multiply - No barrenness in male or female

Through this returning promise, we see that marriage is a foundational practice to the nation of Israel as it leads them into the blessing of the Lord. Another way to think of it, is that in the Old Testament, there is no call for evangelism to the nations. Instead, God grew His people by physical reproduction, generations of people whose blessedness revolved around the fruitful flourishing of both their land and life giving gift of reproduction.

God later adds to this promise, that one day through this process of multiplication, God would send a man, who would be the savior. Who would defeat the curse of sin and death, bringing a new form of blessing. Meaning that there is a shift in the promise. The promise was that the generations of Israel will be able to look forward to future generations that would grow and flourish in the land. Now the promise looks towards the coming of one, who will do what no one else can do, who will act as our shield and be our reward.

In this, we find marriage is further embraced as Israel now has the promise of a coming savior who would restore God’s cosmic order.

New Testament

As we enter the New Testament we see another shift in regards to marriage and blessing. In the Old Testament it is clearly commanded and reflected throughout God’s promises and the law. But when Jesus comes, He offers a new way of thinking about marriage and singleness.

It starts in Matthew 19:10-12

In this passage, Jesus just answered a challenging question about divorce. In His answer He reveals He has a very high view of marriage. But they recognize that not all marriages live up to such expectation. So they respond to Jesus in verse 10:

“10 The disciples said to him, “If such is the case of a man with his wife, it is better not to marry.” 11 But he said to them, “Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given. 12 For there are eunuchs who have been so from birth, and there are eunuchs who have been made eunuchs by men, and there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven. Let the one who is able to receive this receive it.””

Jesus’ response was shocking. Everything they have known about the law of the Lord, walking in the blessing of the covenant would suggest the opposite.

Let’s take a closer look at what Jesus is saying.

Eunuchs

Most often associated with being in exile. Which leaves a distasteful flavor in the mouths of Jews because of their personal experience being exiled from the land.

Made a Eunuch to serve the king. Because the eunuch has no ability to have children of their own, they are not a threat the women in the palace. This also means that they will need to be fully dependent on the king because they will have no children to care for them when they are old. Therefore, the eunuch needs to earn the trust and favor of the king to ensure they will be okay in their old age. Not only are they associated with exile but they are also servants of the foreign country that has taken them captive.

Additionally, Eunuchs were not considered to be partakers of the fulness of God’s blessing in the covenant.

Jesus says, some are Eunuchs are born that way. This could mean that they have a deformity, are barren, or that they have been set aside by their parents as a servant of the Lord.

Secondly, He says some Eunuchs are made so by other men. Which was a common practice in times of exile.

Finally, eunuchs that have chosen to be eunuchs. Jesus is not suggesting people physically damaged their body, rather, they are people who have made an intentional decision to be celibate and single. Their reasoning, because they are so focused on the Lord and what He has for them, that they are willing to say no to marriage and kids (an earthly blessing) in order to be totally focused on the Lord.

Jesus acknowledges even before mentioning the eunuchs that not everyone will be able to receive this or handle it. He doesn’t expect that all believers remain single, but He does directly say to those who are able, do it. That this is a beautiful commitment to the Lord.

Not only did Jesus suggest that singleness before God is good and right, He also practiced it Himself.

We also see the apostle Paul, a man who never married and advocated for singleness. Not only does Paul advocate for it, but in Galatians 3 shows how anyone who is in Christ is a recipient of God’s promised blessing. So now, through the death and resurrection of Jesus, we all enter into the same blessing.

One of the pieces we notices about Paul, is that he personally experiences, deep relationships with all kinds of people. We read passages like Romans 16 and see that he had a great community of people that he deeply loved.

More than that, Paul frequently uses familial language to describe his relationship to other people in the faith.

1 Corinthians 4:15 = “I became your father in Christ”

1 Thessalonians 2:7 = “Like a nursing mother taking care of her children.”

1 Thessalonians 2:11-12 = “a father with his children”

Philemon 1:10 = “my child”

1 Timothy 1:2 & Titus 1:4 = “my true child in the faith”

All this to say, that you can remain a celibate single, who loves the Lord, experiences great blessing, deep community, and a Christian family. Additionally, we enter into the same promise of blessing that God promised Abraham. Through Jesus’ death and resurrection, we know that the Holy Spirit lives in us, molding and shaping us into the very image of Jesus. Bringing forth in us greater measures of flourishing.

So while there is blessedness in the Bible concerning marriage, there is equally blessedness in remaining single.

Barry Danylak is a theologian who has practiced singleness and also has taken the time to write and speak about it from a biblical perspective. In his book, Singleness in God’s Redemptive Story, he succinctly communicates about the difference from the Old Testament to the New:

“The fullness of the covenantal blessing comes through Christ rather than through procreation.”

Thus the key shift is from the standpoint of expansion. The expansion of God’s people in the Old Testament was primarily to be done through procreation. In the New Testament, we are given the Great Commission which is to expand the kingdom of God by proclamation of the gospel to the unbelieving world. Not only is God’s blessing available to the world, but we are called to bring it to them.

Marriage is a symbol of oneness, particularly in the area of procreation, our bodies functionally become one. But now that Jesus has defeated death and sin, the Holy Spirit enters the life of the believer and oneness is demonstrated in a new way. Marriage is still good and right before God, but singleness no longer reflects a life that is operating outside of intimate union with another.

1 Corinthians 7:28-35

“28 But if you do marry, you have not sinned, and if a betrothed woman marries, she has not sinned. Yet those who marry will have worldly troubles, and I would spare you that. 29 This is what I mean, brothers: the appointed time has grown very short. From now on, let those who have wives live as though they had none, 30 and those who mourn as though they were not mourning, and those who rejoice as though they were not rejoicing, and those who buy as though they had no goods, 31 and those who deal with the world as though they had no dealings with it. For the present form of this world is passing away. 32 I want you to be free from anxieties. The unmarried man is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to please the Lord. 33 But the married man is anxious about worldly things, how to please his wife, 34 and his interests are divided. And the unmarried or betrothed woman is anxious about the things of the Lord, how to be holy in body and spirit. But the married woman is anxious about worldly things, how to please her husband. 35 I say this for your own benefit, not to lay any restraint upon you, but to promote good order and to secure your undivided devotion to the Lord. 36 If anyone thinks that he is not behaving properly toward his betrothed, if his passions are strong, and it has to be, let him do as he wishes: let them marry—it is no sin. 37 But whoever is firmly established in his heart, being under no necessity but having his desire under control, and has determined this in his heart, to keep her as his betrothed, he will do well. 38 So then he who marries his betrothed does well, and he who refrains from marriage will do even better.”

Church, we need to understand something very important. We need singles! They are a blessing to this body and they are a blessing to the Lord. Sometimes, people feel like church is a family event, that it is something they will participate in when they have a family. Church is not only for the family, it is not only for the married, it is also for the single. It is for everyone who would seek the Lord. And the biblical account says that a surrendered heart that is single, is better than a surrendered heart that is married. Because you can more fully and freely enter into what God has for you.

There are two points of emphasis that run through this passage. The first is whatever your circumstances, God is being gracious to you in them.

If married, than God is being gracious to you in marriage.

If singleness, than God is being gracious to you in your singleness.

Word of Caution here - I am speaking generally to each of these categories.

If widowed, it is not the loss of your spouse and the pain that you have gone through, but the gift of singleness that you now have in your life - God is gracious to you in that.

If divorced, its not the trauma or ongoing tension. But the gift of singleness before Him.

The second point of emphasis is the focus on eternity within marriage and within singleness.

Lets unpack this:

You don’t have to worry about worldly responsibilities in the same way.

unmarried is anxious about how to please the Lord. Married man is worried about worldly things. The focus of a single person is far greater than that of a married person.

singles don't have anxieties of right relationship with spouse, kids, and the ongoing development of the family. Allowing them to be more focused on the Lord as well as intentional in their friendships.

The blessing of singleness is that you learn what it means to belong to the Lord and Him alone. The blessing of singleness is there is no divided thought in how or when to spend time, money and energy. There is not divided load of responsibility, from what God is calling you too.

Singleness is an opportunity to watch God meet every spiritual desire, to be known, loved, understood, forgiven, etc.

Singleness allows for deep relationships with many people. It allows for a different type of freedom that enables you to move with more flexibility. Giving you the ability to be more fully devoted to the Lord and what He has for them.

It’s a gift from the lord to be stewarded by faith. Like spiritual gifts that are received and exercised by faith, then they can be used to edify and build up the body in powerful ways.

One of the struggles of singleness can be loneliness. This is a significant challenge but its also one that can be overcome by faith. Paul demonstrated how connected he was in Romans 16. Which is a great example for singles to strive towards. But even if you have strong relationships with many people, you can still feel lonely. That void will not necessarily be filled in marriage.

The Center for Bible engagement surveyed over 400,000 people across the world from about 2006-2022. In their findings across all of these surveys, one of the major consistency’s was this,

People who read their bible 4 times or more a week, are 30% less likely to struggle with loneliness.

In other words, when you have right relationship with God, when you are seeking Him the way that you are designed, He fills your void. He enters into the longing of your heart and shows you that life is about having a right relationship with Him where you are regularly making time for Him.

So we need to keep our eyes on eternity, understanding that we all are blessed and experience the grace of God in our lives. Because we experience His grace and blessing, we are enabled to live radically generous lives, freely giving away what He has given to us, knowing that we are blessed, to be a blessing.

So in conclusion,

Church -

How are you meaningfully pointing singles to the Lord?

Is it your place to play matchmaker? What if instead we committed to praying that they would enter into all that the Lord has for them?

Are you intentional about inviting singles into your family life?

Singles:

Fulfillment, completion, and joy come from the Lord. Are you content in Him?

Are you inviting the Lord to speak into every relationship? Every person you may find interest in?

Are you meaningfully connected to the body of Christ? Do you have people who are encouraging you in the Lord?

Pray

Communion