Diligent Parenting

An Explanation of the Texts

In our text in Deuteronomy 6, we find the greatest command ever given. A command that transcends to every covenant ever given by God to man, and is the extensive yet abbreviated source of all our duties. We find it in verse 5, “You shall love the Lord your god with all your hearth and with all your soul and with all your might.” After this, there are two follow-up commands. First is that the words which God commands us, the things stated all throughout his holy Word, shall be on your heart. This imagery of heart means the core of a person to the ancient peoples, not simply the emotions. The person as an individual is not to be separate from these commands, but they are to be infused into their very identity. The core of who they are is defined by what God says. This is the meaning of this command. Being a follower and worshiper of God is not simply a part of life, but the core of it.

This, of course, comes to our subject today. If our hearts are full of the Word of God and our beings are defined by it, then how does this affect our parenting? Our text goes there. “You shall teach them diligently to your children.” When? When you sit, when you walk, when you lie down and when you rise. In other words, your parenting is to be defined by speaking the Word of God to them. It is a normal way of life that is so often forgotten by Christian parents. Too many rely on Sunday Schools and sermons to teach their children and the Word of God is rarely heard in the home. Notice how the Word of God in this text is meant to fill all of life all the time. This goes hand in hand with having a heart filled with this Word. A heart full of God’s Word expresses it in every way all the time, and children are simply the audience to that display.

Biblical Parenting is defined by Paul in Ephesians 6:4, addressing Fathers specifically as not provoking your children to anger, but bringing them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. Let us consider these for a moment.

First, Fathers. Paul addresses Father’s specifically for a reason: they are the head of the Christian household. Of course, as it is Mother’s Day I would be wrong not to mention the deeply important nurturing work that a mother does in helping her husband carry these out. She is the one who bears them, teaches them many things, and nurtures them into the grown men and women that we are called to raise. But Fathers have the unique role of being the foundation of the home’s leadership, and this includes the raising of children. These things are a husbands responsibility, even though his wife will do much to enforce his leadership and his teaching in the home. Fathers, keep your ears open, this is your responsibility to do in your home. Mothers, you keep your ears open as well, this is your responsibility to help your husband do in the home.

Second, do not provoke.There are generally two ways that this is done.

Becoming overly strict. This is not as common in our day as it once was, but still worth mentioning. How many children have been brought up so strictly that when they grow up they rebel against all they have been taught? I have seen it countless times. This is usually a result of a parents desire to control their child rather than instruct them. Teaching our children in the flesh will lead to this desire for control and will end in abuse to which the child will respond rebelliously in time. John Gill talks about abusive and what is sometimes called helicoptor parenting, parenting dominated by control and severity, by saying, “this alienates their minds from them, and renders their instructions and corrections useless, and puts them upon sinful practices; wrath lets in Satan, and leads to sin against God; and indeed it is difficult in the best of men to be angry and not sin”. He characterizes this parenting as having “unjust and unreasonable commands”, “reproachful (or abusive) language”, “frequent and public” rebuke, angry “expressions”, preferring one child over another, “not allowing them proper recreation” or play, and physical abuse that is “severe and cruel”.

This does not means failing to discipline, as we will soon see, but rather is a command to not discipline beyond what is necessary. Moderate discipline, even physical discipline, will not provoke a child to anger in the long run, but will bring up a respectable man or woman. But provoking children to anger, especially with anger or frustration towards them, is what is in the Apostle’s mind.

Becoming passive. Children who are raised in a passive home without discipline are likely to become very angry people. They lack the structure of discipline which God would have us make a natural part of our home lives, and thus become angry. I saw a father recently in public being berated by his 8-year old and saying nothing about it. They let their child heap abuse on them without discipline and thus were provoking their child to anger through lack of discipline and order in the relationship. If a child does not know how to respect their elders, especially their parents, they are being led into sin. As Christ said, woe to the one through whom temptation to sin comes. Passivity in the home leads to a provoking of children by leading them into the sin of disobedience and letting their sinful heart take charge rather than godly instruction.

Forth: “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” We will look at instruction later in the sermon. Let us look at discipline.

Fathers (and mothers), you are to discipline your children. This will look different at different ages, but I believe that in the younger years, spanking and corporal punishment are generally necessary for showing a child the consequences of disobedient behavior. This should be done with moderation, not out of anger, and consistently, but it should be done in some way in which the child will feel pain, but not so far as it becomes abusive. They should feel momentary pain, not lingering suffering. That is the line between discipline and abuse.

Proverbs 23:13–14 ESV

Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.

We will look at this more later, but discipline as a concept simply means to teach your child order. If they break the established order, which is founded on your parental authority, they must have a felt consequence for that. If there is no consequence, they are being taught that disobeying your authority, and therefore disobeying God’s authority through you, are without consequence and they may live and act as they see fit. This is to be undisciplined. Discipline sets and enforces healthy and helpful boundaries in the family which will last for the rest of their lives. They will learn self-discipline eventually, giving order to their own lives in accordance with God’s revealed will, but until they are able to do they you are the one who wields the rod of the Lord. We live in a world ordered by God, and God is a God of order, so you must bring up your children in such a way so that order is established in their behaviour in the home.

Fifth: of the Lord. Again, all our instruction to our children, all instances of discipline are to be pointing them towards the Lord. We must not parent according to the flesh, we must not let the world tell us what good parenting is. The world does not want their children to be godly, so why would we take their parenting advice? Take the advice of the ungodly and you will end up with ungodly children. Follow the command of Scripture and you will bring up godly children.

Why we must teach our children diligently

This leads us to the next portion of our topic: why is it so important that we teach our children diligently?

Because God commands us to and so obeying him brings God glory. This may seem like an obvious reason, but it should be reason enough. Teaching your children the Word of God and how to walk in his ways is an expectation that God has for his people. Although our children are not born into the covenant like the Children of Israel were, this command stands in the New Covenant.

1 Corinthians 7:14 ESV

For the unbelieving husband is made holy because of his wife, and the unbelieving wife is made holy because of her husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

They are made holy through the witness and biblical teaching that comes from the believing spouse and parent. It is implied in this text that the teaching of the Word of God does a holy work in the heart of the child, even in a marriage which is not ideal where only one parent is a Christian.

Christ also would have the little children come unto him, for it is in the lowliness of a child that we enter the Kingdom of Heaven. This means that we learn a great truth as we lead our children, and this is to be the reason we are commanded to diligently parent our Children in the Lord. Diligently teaching our children the ways of the Lord is a metaphor to us of the way in which we must grow in the Lord.

Second, we should raise our children diligently in the Lord because it is a great benefit to us and to them. Only through the humility, lowness, and neediness of childhood can one grow into a man or woman, and only through a humble, low, trusting, dependent, even needy heart for God can we grow into the knowledge of our Lord Jesus Christ. So God commands us to raise up children in a godly manner not only for their sake, but for your sake in seeing more of his glory and for them to see this glory as well. This is why he has us do what we do as parents, why he takes us through the struggles and resistances, the fatigue and the joyful labour that is parenting. So that through it you may see the glory of God more fully, and thus glorify him. All things are for the glory of God, including parenting. Having the glory of God being revealed to you is the most joyful and fulfilling experience, and brings us that much closer to glory.

What must we teach our children?

So if this something we should do and would benefit us greatly, the question arises. What must we diligently teach our children? To answer that question, let us look to the Scriptures and see, both in teaching and example, what diligent, godly teaching looks like.

First, where better than to look for a paradigm on how to raise our children in a godly manner is the attributes of God himself. God is, after all, a Father to his people and he treats them that way. God reveals his character to his people, and this is exactly what we should be trying to do with children. As God directs and treats his people in a way in which they may see his glory, Christian parents must make it their aim to raise their children in such a way as the glory of God in all his attributes is most visible. So what does God teach his people? To be like him. He is good, and so he teaches us to be good as he is good. He is holy and he teaches us to be holy. He is pure, and he teaches us to be pure and so on. We should first and foremost ask ourselves the question, what style of parenting, discipline, what ways do I show love? What should I expect of my child? All should primarily, above all else, reflect the character of God.

Second, we should teach them the commands of God. We need to remember that as we teach our children simple things like sharing and speaking respectfully to your parents are commands they obey, but will eventually disobey. This comes with discipline and a perfect opportunity to preach the Gospel to them. This is a repetitious preaching of the Gospel. They understand that if they obey the rules of the house they will be commended, and if they disobey the rules of the house they will suffer consequences. This is like the law, which comes to us from Scripture as the way to live in order to know God. Despite our best efforts, we are unable to keep the law and meet its demands and likewise no child is able to perfectly obey their parents. So comes discipline. In the same way that God disciplined Israel when they strayed, our discipline tells the children something. That God’s law cannot be broken without consequence. Then, our forgiveness towards them and the love we show them despite their sin reinforces the forgiveness shown to us through Christ. Teaching God’s law means leading them to the Gospel, while also bringing them up in habits and actions that mirror God’s declared will. The way we teach our children the commands of God should leave them knowing they are not righteous on their own. This doesn’t mean beating down on them and telling them how awful they are, but it does mean letting the law of God do its work. When they disobey, remind them that it is against God that they have sinned and that without atonement for that sin they are in danger of God’s wrath. Teach them this gently, with your forgiveness and kindness to them representing the kindness of God towards sinners, but let that truth be known to them. Don’t make your children terrified of you, but let the law do its work through the Spirit in terrifying them for the sake of their own souls. As a youth, Jonathan Edwards was terrified by the wrath of God which led him to seek grace in the Gospel. Likewise, don’t quench the terror of a holy God in your children, but rather move onto the third thing you should teach them.

Third, we need to teach our children the Gospel. This is the most crucial to them and should be reflected in how we treat them and what we teach them. Teaching them the commands of God will do its work in convicting them of sin, teaching them the Gospel will convince them of salvation through faith in Christ. While we are to let the law work on their hearts for conviction, the Gospel always needs to be there as the healing balm to that conviction. Teaching our children is to disciple them through the law to the Gospel. The law exposes sin, convicts us for it, and brings us empty handed to the Throne of Grace where mercy and help are freely available through the atonement of Christ. Do this by showing them the kindness of God, the patience of God, the mercy of God, and the forgiveness of God. Explain to them that the way that you are treating them is meant to reflect the way God wants to treat them if they will come to him for mercy. Say you’ve disciplined a child for disobeying you. The law was given, sin was revealed, the curse of the law was manifested in the discipline, and now it is time for the mercy of God to be revealed in your parenting. Tell them that they are forgiven, tell them they can come to you for a hug and consolation so long as they recognize that they disobeyed. This is going to look different for different children of different ages, but I hope you grasp the concept. Let them see the forgiveness of Christ in your forgiveness. Don’t let anger come into the discipline or into the aftermath. Treat them like Christ treats you, and thus show them the Gospel as well as preach it to them.

Forth, disciple them. Teach them what it looks like to live a Christian life. When they are young they do not yet have the capacity to trust Christ, they can still learn what it looks like to follow him. When they are older and make some of their own decisions, you can guide them and let the house rules reflect what being a disciple looks like. Don’t force your children to act like Christians when they are not, but do train them in the ways of discipleship. As our text says, “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

How can we teach our children diligently?

Now that we’ve looked at the content of what it is we are called to teach to our children, we must look at how we can implement it practically into our lives. The theory is no good without practice, so how can we bring godly instruction from something we want to teach our children to something we actually teach them in meaningful ways?

Family Worship.

Let family worship be performed consistently and at a time when it is most likely for the family to be free of interruptions.

Richard Baxter

As the saying goes, those who fail to plan, plan to fail. This is particularily true in the case of family worship. Parents, you are commanded to bring your children up in the instruction of the Lord. So ask yourself this question, “when am I doing that?” According to Deuteronomy 6, we are to do it always, but this should start by setting a time aside for family worship. Family worship is the cornerstone to teaching our children about the Lord. It shows our children by setting time aside every day to sing, pray, and read Scripture together that these things are important to us and sit as a foundation to all we do as a family.

Family worship should be a daily experience, something appropriate for the age of the children you are raising, and prioritized. The father should organize and lead it and, if possible, have the children play a part. It should have the reading of the Word as central, and the father should explain what is being read to the children. It must be prioritized, not something you only do when you feel like it, but something that is as regular as eating or sleeping. Above all, it must be wholeheartedly Christ-glorifying. If you do not practice family worship or family devotions, you are missing out on one of the easiest and most important ways to teach your children the Scriptures, and it will be for them a foundation on which the Spirit may built their salvation.

Speaking the Truth. Regularly bring the truths of God’s Word and the Gospel into family conversation. Talk with your children about the content of the Sunday sermon, ask them what their understanding of the Gospel is, encourage them with Scripture and give them Biblical advice. Put Scripture on the walls, memorize verses together, do not let your home become a place where idle talk takes up most of what is spoken. Use every oppertunity to preach the Gospel to your children, define biblical terms to them, interpret what they tell you through a biblical lens and respond to conflict in a godly manner. In all things, let the talk of the house be the talk of heaven.

Consistent Discipline. We’ve already talked about the necessity of biblical discipline in the home, but it is one thing to agree with it and another to carry it out consistently. You must draw out the lines of discipline and consistently impose them. Many parents believe theoretically in biblical discipline but when it comes to actually exercising their authority in the matter they back down and let their child get away with it. To do so is, again, to teach that child that biblical authority and discipline doesn’t matter. Parents, God gave you authority over your children and he will demand an account of how you used that authority. If you do not insist on it, if you do not exercise it, you are no better than the servant who buried his talent. When you speak a command to your child you are mirroring God’s authority to them, so don’t take “no” for an answer. Don’t accept slow obedience or obedience with a bad attitude because God does not accept those forms of obedience. God never accepts “no” for an answer. One thing I tell my son is that God spanks a lot harder than I do, and that if I do not discipline him God will one day discipline him much more painfully. This is true. You will save your child grief upon grief if you teach them submission now. They must grow up knowing what it means to honour their father and mother. Fathers, this is especially for you. You represent God in the home, and how will you represent him? Be strong, yes be compassionate and loving, but by all means be consistent! I don’t care so much about what form of discipline you use, what is important is that it is consistent.

Proverbs 19:18 ESV

Discipline your son, for there is hope; do not set your heart on putting him to death.

Do you hear that? Not disciplining your child is as good as murder, according to the Holy Spirit. Again in

Proverbs 13:24 ESV

Whoever spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is diligent to discipline him.

But most of all, God disciplines us because we are his sons. If this is how God treats his sons, will you be a better parent than God by withholding discipline and strong boundaries from your child?

Hebrews 12:7 ESV

It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline?

Teach your children that there are real, solid boundaries in the family and they will realize that the same holds true for the real world and for their relationship with God. Do so with care, compassion, and love, but do so relentlessly and you will raise wise children.

Be available. Create a home environment where your children are free to speak with you always. Put your phone and computer aside and engage with your children. Experience life with them. How can you speak of the things of God with them on the way if you aren’t walking in the way with them? You are the first and primary person they will hear of Jesus from, so be there for them. Cultivate a close and loving relationship with them. Talk to them as they grow. Cultivate is the key word here. It is a process that one day of throwing a football around will not do. Be open to honest questions and heartfelt concerns from them. Be someone they can trust. Do this, and you will be the first one that they speak of doubts to, the first one they will ask questions about the Lord to, the first one they will talk about boys and girls with when they get of that age. Not only will this give you the opportunity to speak endlessly of the things of God to them, but you will find in them a lifelong friend.

Conclusion

Pray for your children! How far the earnest and consistent prayers of a parent can go in the ears of God. It was prayer for many years by his mother that God used to convert Augustine. Prayer means concern, it means fervor, it means a genuine interest in your child’s heart. Where will they spend eternity? Let this be the theme of your prayers always.

This is for all Christians. If you are not a parent, pray for other children. If you are in a position to, disciple them as well, but surely pray for them.

The immense task of being a parent and the help we may receive from God. Christ is here to help you with this delight and burden that is raising children. The Spirit has raised many children of faith from infants into mighty warriors for the Kingdom of God. Ask for his help, strength, and courage to be the parent you are called to be, and he will surely give you all you need as you go forward and plant the seeds of God’s Word in the fertile hearts of your children.