A Godly Wife in an Abusive Relationship

Introduction

Text: 1 Sam 25 a

Sometimes women marry a man and he doesn’t turn out to be the man that they thought they were married to. Relationships can quickly turn toxic when either spouse is not walking with the Lord.

Abuse shows up in relationships that are consistently:

manipulative

full of sarcasm and contempt

controlling

feeling like you are walking on egg shells all the time

When I speak of toxic relationships, I am not talking about relationships that have occasional problems. I am not even talking about relationships that have set in problems that need to be dealt with. Toxic relationships are those permeated by toxic behaviors that lead to abuse.

Today we are going to focus on the story of one woman who was a godly wife even though she was stuck in a toxic relationship. Most times today, she would have just divorced him (we will be doing a three part series later this year on divorce), but I would like to look at some lessons from the life of Abigail on being a godly wife in a toxic relationship.

To frame this story we need to know the background of the story and a little bit about Nabal. David is fleeing from Saul who has been seeking to kill him. He and his men come across a group of shepherds watching over a large flock of sheep that belong to a man named Nabal. During that time that they are in the wilderness, they never hurt the shepherds or took any of the sheep and they provided protection for them. David’s men have established a relationship with these shepherds and are on good terms. When it comes time to sheer the sheep, David sends messengers asking for a little help from Nabal possibly as repayment for protecting the flock. Nabal gets angry and refuses. This makes David angry and he decides he is going to kill Nabal, but Abigail intercedes and keeps him from killing. That is the basic story that we are going to see unfold here.

From this story we glean some things about the kind of man Abigail was married to:

He was a fool- The name Nabal literally means fool. Nabal did not fear God and did not care what was right or wrong. vs 3

He was a cruel man- the word in our KJV is curlish. He was given to getting angry very quickly, acting cruelly toward people and causing hurt. vs 3

He was unapproachable- Nabal could not be reasoned with. Even his servants were afraid of him. In vs 17, they said that a man cannot speak to him. He wouldn’t listen. This explains some of Abigail’s actions in the story. Notice in vs 18-19, she did not tell her husband what she was doing.

He was a drunkard- vs 36 After the sheering of the sheep he makes a big feast just for himself and gets drunk. Obviously he had extra that could have been given to David and his men. But he consumes it all for himself. And he gives in to excess alcohol. Abigail being the wise woman that she is, doesn’t try to confront Nabal when he is drunk. According to vs 37, she waited until he sobered up.

He was so angry in vs 37 that most people believe he had some sort of paralytic attack from which he eventually died.

This man was not a good man. Sometimes women find themselves married to man who maybe he used to be a good man. Maybe they love him still. Sometimes we find ourselves in a position where we never thought we would be in. Being married to someone like that can easily turn you into the same type of person. It can change you and make you something you never thought you would be, but Abigail stayed faithful to her God. The lesson today is not about staying or leaving. The lesson today is about

I. Abigail had every reason to be afraid vs 18

Situations like this can be terrifying. Abigail potentially could have been killed for the things that she did. When we get to the end of the story we see Nabal so drunk that she doesn’t think it is safe for her to tell him what she had done. One of the primary responses to any relationship like this is fear and by the way fear is not always wrong. When you fear for your safety, that is a healthy fear. As I studied on this issue I wanted to be able to provide an element of counseling for those in such a situation. I came across this case study which can be a help to highlight why Abigail could have been afraid.

Jane and Joe both profess to be believers. Jane comes in for counseling to be a better wife. She appeared timid and fearful. In data-gathering, Jane describes a marriage that involves verbal and physical abuse. Jane was completely confused and afraid. She felt crazy. It seemed like she couldn’t do anything right. She walked on eggshells around her husband.

He would berate her for being boring and then become angry when they would go out that she was talking too much and embarrassing him. He told her she was stupid and weak, that her friends and family were worthless, and that he didn’t want them around. If she attempted to solve any conflict between them, he would deride her as unrepentant and unsubmissive, a terrible wife, and a terrible mother. Anything that went wrong in life became her fault. Whether it was the kids getting sick, the car breaking down, her husband being late for work.

She would resolve to try harder, to be more careful, to be quieter, to not talk on the phone, to not talk to all these other people, but her attempts to improve did not solve anything. Within the last year, Joe’s anger had erupted in physically pushing her, slapping her in the face, and even an episode of choking.

She could predict the pattern. There would be some kind of blow up that was her fault. And then there would be false apologies, trying to make up for it for about a week. He’d give her flowers and candy—things like that. Then for about two weeks, there was an escalation of the verbal abuse. After that there was another physical incident. So Jane anticipated that about every three weeks, she would have to be very careful because something was going to set him off in a rage. She never wanted to call the police or flee, because she was convinced it was her fault, and if she just tried a little harder to be a better wife, she could fix it. Then he would love her and quit being so angry and violent. After all, he claimed to be a Christian.

Fear is a natural response to danger and it shouldn’t be ignored in situations like this. Clearly, Abigail did not let fear keep her from seeking the protection she needed. Danger was coming, this time not from Nabal; rather because of Nabal; but she isn’t paralyzed. She takes steps to protect herself and those she is in charge of. The shepherds in this story seem to have reported to her because she is approachable. They were afraid and didn’t know what to do. When you have others who will be harmed by inactivity action must be taken.

Understanding that her husband was so unapproachable and evil sheds light on the fact that she doesn’t go to him first or even try to ask permission to do what she did. Abigail takes steps to do what is right even when she knows that her husband is not going to stand with her and it may place her in danger. Abigail determined she was going to do what was right, but she was smart about how she did it. Abigail’s wisdom is praised by David in 1 Sam 25:33 “And blessed be thy advice, and blessed be thou, which hast kept me this day from coming to shed blood, and from avenging myself with mine own hand.”

She didn’t advertise it to Nabal and make it into something that would provoke him- If an abused woman needs help, she needs to reach out to someone who can help. It is recommended that the husband not be involved because everything she says and does will be used against her as a weapon. I think that many women don’t realize the source of help that the church can be and sometimes the church fails to be what they should be. If you are in an abusive relationship, take steps to get safety and I pray that you can find it in your heart to trust the church to be part of that help. Especially if he claims to be a Christian, the church should be the protector of its members. Obviously, that help can also take the form of encouraging her to call the police. According to Romans 13, the government is to be a terror to those who do evil.

She didn’t tell him when he was drunk and more likely to be abusive. Abigail showed her wisdom in not provoking Nabal when he was drunk. Many physical abuse situations happen when the abuser is drunk. She knows this and takes all the precautions she needs to stay safe. Proverbs 22:3 “A prudent man foreseeth the evil, and hideth himself: But the simple pass on, and are punished.” Some victims have chosen to stay in the home for a variety of reasons. There needs to be wisdom about when to talk to your spouse about things that are going to set them off. We see here there is also a time to flee the danger. Having a game plan for those times when he is set to do some real damage is important. Have someone you can call and got to. in vs 36, Abigail comes home, but doesn’t engage in conversation or get drawn into the situation.

She did not submit to a husband whose decisions and leadership were sinful. This is one of those passages where we see a godly wife who does not submit. Previously we taught about the wife’s role in the home and submission to her husband’s leadership. There is one major exception to that command in Eph 5:22 “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.” The wives submission to her husband is to be done in such a way that she is essentially submitted herself to the Lord. This is not possible when her husband and the lord are saying two different things. Some movements of Christianity try to tell you that you should obey your husband no matter what and God will not judge you. That is hogwash. Romans 14:12 “So then every one of us shall give account of himself to God.”

II. Abigail didn’t let her circumstances change her vs 23

Again it is important to remember that the danger Abigail faced was not primarily the danger from her husband but the danger caused by her husband. Abigail seeks to make peace. Peace is when things are the way they should be. We have already seen that she did not go out of her way to upset Nabal thus putting her in more danger, but Abigail is running interference for her husband. A woman in this type of situation is often picking up a lot of slack to make things work. She often does all the parenting. She often works extra to pay bills because he has drunk all the money away. She often has to make sure things are repaired in the house.

a. She didn’t waste any time- Abigail was a hard worker. There is a lot to praise about this woman that many people would have missed because they just see Nabal or an abused woman. Abigail works hard to protect her people and make peace with David.

b. She was compassionate- Abigail takes these steps to protect the household 1 Sam 25:17 “Now therefore know and consider what thou wilt do; for evil is determined against our master, and against all his household: for he is such a son of Belial, that a man cannot speak to him.”

b. She was humble- She was also humble. She bows down and shows David respect. David’s pride was hurt by Nabal and I think this is just another sign of her wisdom. She knows that berating David is not going to get anywhere.

c. She points David to the Lord- Abigail could have easily given in to bitterness and anger over her situation. She could have shut God out, but that is not what she does. Abigail still knew that God cared for her and trusted Him 1 Sam 25:26 “Now therefore, my lord, as the Lord liveth, and as thy soul liveth, seeing the Lord hath withholden thee from coming to shed blood, and from avenging thyself with thine own hand, now let thine enemies, and they that seek evil to my lord, be as Nabal.” Abigail did not allow her situation to turn her from a relationship with the Lord. She saw and trusted in God’s sovereign hand working in the background. For those who are fearful, we need to point them to God and help them maintain a connection with God. During the same time period in David’s life, he would write these words: Psalm 56:3 “What time I am afraid, I will trust in thee.”

In everything that Abigail faced, she did not allow it to change her and turn her from the Lord.

III. She interceded for her husband vs 24-31

The amazing thing about this story is that Abigail still wanted good for her husband. Love dries up pretty fast when it isn’t watered in a garden of nurturing. An abused woman can become hard and calloused towards her husband. It is easy to forget that maybe there were some good times because the clouds block out any light that might have been there. I understand that love might be a distant dream. Thats not even what we are talking about here. All this is is a desire on the part of Abigail to see good for her husband. But as a Christian we are commanded to Matt 5:44 “But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you;”

What this doesn’t mean:

Stay in an abusive situation

Let them get away with what they have done

Abigail desired to save her husbands life by interceding for him. Do you desire what is good for your husband?

What is good for your husband isn’t necessarily you staying there and cooking him breakfast. Sometimes the best good you can do for him is to get him the help that he needs. His greatest good may not involve you.

1. Seeking their good might be getting counseling.

2. Seeking their good might be leaving.

3. Seeking their good might even be calling the cops.

Conclusion:

Abigail was not alone. Her name means “joy of her father.” I can’t imagine any father ever wanting to see his daughter end up in such a situation. I am grateful to see that in Abigail’s case, God got her out of that marriage by killing Nabal. I want to give a stern warning to men who are abusing their wives, God will judge you. He sees and it will not go unpunished. Your time will come. To women who might be in a toxic and abusive relationship, you are not alone. We may not see it because these things happen often in private. Abusers are good at covering their tracks, but God sees. If this is you, please let us be a help.