Coffee Date Week 2 - Bitter Coffee

Introduction

For the next 2 minutes, I want you to think of and write down the 5 most important relationships in your life.

Relationships that are important are some of the hardest and most frustrating relationships we have.

Wether they are friendships or mentorships and family members or significant others…

the people that are closest to you will both fulfill you the most

and hurt you the most

But what makes each and every one of them unique is that they all require one word… Endurance.

Every single relationships starts with sparks. The “Honeymoon” stage if you will.

Friendships happen when there is a bond over a common interest

Dating relationships are similar, but you add in the element of attraction, both internal and external

Even familial relationships go through waves “fun” and mundane

Francis Chan uses the analogy that a “spark” in a relationships is meant to be that, a spark. The purpose of it is to light a fire. Once the fire is lit, it requires kindling. There are times when the fire seems like it is dying down, so it requires a log and some branches and grass to light it back up again. There are times when the fire seems like it is getting out of control and you need to redirect it or some times it requires water to hep calm it down, but the fire needs to be maintained regardless of its intensity.

The problem we have is that nothing quite feels as exciting as the initial spark so thats what we search for.

We light fires everywhere and take care of none of them so we are left with burnt pieces of what was once a fire lit by a spark.

When we chase the spark, we never get to experience the fruit of the fire. The cleansing nature of the fire.

In order to do that, we must be willing to endure.

Endurance is defined as : the ability to withstand hardship or adversity

especially : the ability to sustain a prolonged stressful effort or activity.

Relationships that last are long and stressful. They are a series of activities that are complicated and require work.

The relationship I have with my dad has always been complicated

Hispanic culture is tough

Baptist upbringing is tough

Expectations are crippling

Then there is the whole violating trust thing....

Story of how he cheated on my mom

… through this whole process, one thing has remained true, in order for us to have a relationship, there needed to be endurance.

In order for any relationship to grow, you must be willing to endure through the bitterness.

Section 1: Relationships require… Enduring Loyalty

I could go through countless stories in the Bible where loyalty in a relationship is present. From disciples to Noah and God, to Moses and Israel… but there is one that looks at loyalty in a relationships.

The story is Ruth is incredible.

Starts with the death of Naomi’s sons and husband

Then Ruth refuses to leave

Ruth 1:16–17 NIV

16 But Ruth replied, “Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. 17 Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.”

From there Ruth meets Boaz who is amazing

They get married and have a kid

Story ends with Noami being restored.

Relationships require us to endure in a way that is loyal like Ruth.

Loyalty Establishes...

Trust

Relationships without trust are empty and meaningless

longevity

Growth in a relationship only happens when there is time to grow

Time is only given when there is loyalty.

In Ruth’s case, we see how she was able to receive the fruits of her loyalty. She meets an incredible guy and we read a story about actual relationship goals. But what often gets lost is that loyalty to her mother in law was required before seeing the fruits of any of it.

It’s not like it was easy. Her husband had just died in a time when for a woman, the only option was to be a wife and have kids.

But her enduring loyalty is what took a spark and made a fire.

So what are the relationships in your life?

Is it friends?

Is it family?

Is it the person you are/were dating?

Who is the person in your life that you need to be reminded that loyalty there is required or there will be no growth?

Relationships require enduring loyalty

Section 2: Relationships require… Enduring honesty

Here’s the part about relationships that sucks the most.

In order for any of them to work, there needs to be an honest and loving nature to them.

And I am not just talking about honesty in the since of “not lying to each other” (although it requires that too). I am talking about honesty and ownership in the spaces where “I messed up” and “you messed up”

Studies show that the leading cause of divorce in America is accusatory conflict.

Same is true about friendships and familial relationships.

We as humans are selfish. We are so quick to blame others, because we are afraid of being wrong or we are afraid of looking at ourselves and asking the question, “Where was I wrong here?

Self-Reflection is the key to having an honest relationship.

When Jesus is addressing the crowd in Matthew, He says this:

Matthew 7:1–5 NIV

1 “Do not judge, or you too will be judged. 2 For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. 3 “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? 4 How can you say to your brother, ‘Let me take the speck out of your eye,’ when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? 5 You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.

Even in the context of the Bible, we are told to reflect BEFORE correcting. That doesn’t mean there is no time and place to call someone out in love. That’s necessary too, but first, we have to be willing to humble ourselves and ask, what did I do to contribute to this?

So are you willing to be self-reflective?

Are there relationships that you are struggling to repair or have given up on repairing because you can’t seem to see where you are wrong in this scenario?

Relationships require enduring honesty and honesty is only possible in self-reflection.

Section 3: Relationships require… Enduring effort

But all of this boils down to one question. The starting point to an enduring relationship.

Have you done everything you can to work on your relationship?

If you self-reflect and you look at the relationships that you have been loyal to and the ones you haven’t did they both get the same amount of effort? And was that effort enough for you actually endure through a relationship?

It is so easy to just stay comfortable.

It is so easy to look around you and see the areas of a relationship you won’t miss and the conclusion we have is to do what is easy.

So instead of working and enduring and being loyal and self-reflecting, we simply let the fire burn out.

Have you done everything you can to work on your relationship?

My relationship with my dad is not something that just recovered over night. Trust had to be earned again. Pride had to be eliminated in order for me to be able to ask myself where am I not giving that I should be?

It took years and years of healing and acceptance to get us to a place where we are at now, which is not perfect btw.

But what about you?

Write down 3 relationships you have had in your life that have fallen apart

After that, write down “Have I done enough?”

If you were to self-reflect and ask yourself “Have I done enough?” and be honest, would you feel like you had more to give?

And there are times when you have done everything you possibly can, in a healthy manner, and still the relationship couldn’t be saved and thats okay. Thats when boundaries and separation are good and necessary and healthy. But most of the time, the answer to the question of “have I done enough?” in the context of relationship is no.

We haven’t done enough to kindle the fire and keeping adding fuel to it.

Have you done everything you can to work on your relationship?

Conclusion

relationships require endurance. Endurance that is loyal, endurance that is honest, endurance that takes effort. They take work. And this is true about every relationship in your life. Even the ones that seem drama free. Even the ones that seem easy. Eventually, they won’t be easy. Eventually when the sparks go away and you are faced with a choice of kindling the fire, or walking away, they will require endurance.

It is easy to chose the path of less resistance, but to what end?

Proverbs says

Proverbs 17:17 NIV

17 A friend loves at all times, and a brother is born for a time of adversity.

Our goal shouldn’t be to have empty relationships. As summer hits and you don’t see the same people every day and you have to chose where to invest, are you going to chose endurance? Or are you going to chose to take the easy route?

Are you loyal?

Are you honest?

Have you done everything you can to work on your relationships?

LET’S PRAY