Just the Two of Us

Sermon 1 - True Love

Materials for further study and reflection

Bible

Small Groups

Marriage by Paul David Tripp

The Meaning of Marriage by Tim Keller

The Intimate Mystery by Dan Allender

Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud & Townsend

33 series for Men on Marriage (Season 5)

Many of you know Angela and I from a distance and really only recently, most don’t know the story of grace we have lived out. To begin this series, I am inviting Angela up to introduce ourselves to you to get to know us.

Introduction

In this series, we will discuss practical steps towards having a successful marriage, but first I endeavor to paint a picture for you of the Marriage as the Gospel lived out.

3 things the bible tells us our marriage finds itself in.

1. Our Marriage exists in this broken world, in the in-between.

God decided to leave you in this fallen world to live, love, and work, because he intended to use the difficulties you face to do something in you that couldn’t be done any other way.

2. You are a sinner married to a sinner

At some point you and your spouse will be selfish.

We will turn moments for ministry into moments of anger.

We personalize what isn’t personal

We tend to be adversarial in our response.

Instead of being a vessel of grace and rescue for our spouse whom God loves and is committed to changing we make it about ourselves and work to protect our own kingdom. Our response should be for him/her rather than against him/her. - We end up escalating the problem.

We end up settling for quick fixes that do not get to the heart of the problem

3. God is faithful, powerful, and willing

He is more zealous for your marriage than you could ever be

He has provide a lifetime warranty of grace for your marriage.

No problem, no issue, no circumstance is outside of his amazing grace to transform.

What is the purpose/goal of Marriage:

Happiness? Comfort? Security?

Nothing wrong with wanting to be happy, but for our culture it has become an idol that we worship.

The problem is not that this is a wrong goal, but that it is way too small a goal.

God is working on something bigger and deeper and eternal.

God is working through your spouse and daily circumstances to change you and make you holy.

WE ARE AFTER HAPPINESS / GOD IS AFTER HOLINESS.

God has designed marriage not to be the end but to be a means to an end - His end.

The end - holiness, transformed into the image of Christ. Everything he is doing, even right now is towards that purpose.

Romans 8:28-29 “And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose. For those God foreknew he also predestined to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the firstborn among many brothers and sisters.”

So he places you in a relationship with another flawed person right in the middle of a broken world with difficult circumstances meant to bring you to the end of yourself so that you finally begin to place your hope in his grace and your identity, meaning, purpose and well-being in him and transform you into His image.

The implication of this is:

The biggest problem in your marriage (whether it is a good one - no marriage is safe here, or a bad one) is not the devil, not the economy, not your sex life, not your circumstances or your spouse. It’s You. You and that thing called sin.

Sin is at its heart selfish.

Selfish people point the finger and blame.

Adam and Eve in the Garden

If I am convinced I am righteous I won’t seek change and will hinder God’s work in my life.

When I see my spouse as more sinful than me, I break big boundaries by acting as the sovereign God in the seat of judgment and don’t understand the Gospel.

We must be more aware of our own sin than our spouses.

Then we will have grace towards them because I am in need of grace just as much as them.

God’s grace enters and says, you don’t have to run from me, the cross, I bore your sin, confess it to me and I am working on changing you.

Getting Married (Problems).

Getting married - problem is unreal expectations, fake love.

Unreal Expectations: Angela has lived with 5 different men since we have been married.

They’ve all been me

The truth is when we get married, we don’t know who it is we married.

How many of you have heard it said or maybe even said, “This is not who I married” - but yes it, you just didn’t know him/her.

Because we have the false and unreal expectations of marriage. - “We’re so in love, we are perfect for each other, we are the perfect match, it makes so much sense”

Fake Love: We think we are in love, but we confused attraction for love.

Physical, Emotional, Cultural, Spiritual connections -

We usually are in love with self (don’t forget the sin and selfishness we battle everyday). They fit our kingdom of one very well. This attraction was everything we want for my life and my love of self.

The relationship will be great as long as the other person continues to serve my kingdom.

Things go wrong when their relationship quit being self-satisfying and the need for other-serving became dominant.

Sin as selfishness:

2 Corinthians 5:14-15 “For Christ’s love compels us, because we are convinced that one died for all, and therefore all died. And he died for all, that those who live should no longer live for themselves but for him who died for them and was raised again.”

Sin turns us in on ourselves

Sin makes us shrink our lives to our little “me” world

Sin causes us to limit our focus, motivation, and concern to the size of our own wants, needs and feelings

Sin causes all of us to be overly self-aware and self-important.

Sin causes us to be offended by any offense against us and to be concerned most for what only concerns us

Sin causes us to dream selfish dreams and to plan self-oriented plans - the kingdom of “I”

Because of sin, we really do love us, and we have a wonderful plan for our own lives!

What we actually want is for our spouse to love us as much as we love ourselves

So we work to get our spouse into a submission to the plans of purposes of the almighty ME.

It also dehumanizes people

People become vessels or obstacles

My spouse will either get me what I want or get in the way of what I want.

And when they don’t oblige, welcome irritation, impatience, and disappointment. - Angry

Notice anger doesn’t arise because the spouse did something against God or His kingdom but rather their own.

“This isn’t who I married!”

We are always living for some kingdom.

Sin and selfishness makes it about me. And conflict necessarily arises because each spouse demands service for their own kingdom needs and demands.

What marriages suffer from is a lack of love. Real love. Many have built their relationship and learned to co-habit with the two kingdoms.

If this is you, this is great news!

Most probable, you are over it, that is exactly where God wants you to be, because now you can kill your dream, your kingdom, your itty bitty ideas and say yes to His great dreams, plans, and Kingdom. The two of you by God’s grace can serve God’s kingdom instead of your own.

What is Real love?

Is not an attraction or a feeling, but an event.

1 John 4:7–11 “Dear friends, let us love one another, for love comes from God. Everyone who loves has been born of God and knows God. Whoever does not love does not know God, because God is love. This is how God showed his love among us: He sent his one and only Son into the world that we might live through him. This is love: not that we loved God, but that he loved us and sent his Son as an atoning sacrifice for our sins. Dear friends, since God so loved us, we also ought to love one another.”

1 John 4:16-20 “And so we know and rely on the love God has for us. God is love. Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in them. This is how love is made complete among us so that we will have confidence on the day of judgment: In this world we are like Jesus. There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear, because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love. We love because he first loved us. Whoever claims to love God yet hates a brother or sister is a liar. For whoever does not love their brother and sister, whom they have seen, cannot love God, whom they have not seen.”

Love is:

Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving.

Marriage is a barometer of my love for God.

Real love grows from gratitude of God’s love.

This is an overwhelming task that can only be done with the strength and love from God our Father and His overwhelming love He has poured out on us.

When I remember and celebrate His great, faithfulness, patience, forgiveness, empowerment that has been poured on me, something I could never earn or fully reciprocate, I will want to give that to my spouse.

We must fix our marriages vertically before they are ever fixed horizontally.

My problem with Angela in the beginning and even now when I am not a gracious loving husband is not that I don’t love her enough but that I don’t love God enough. And if I am not loving God as my king, I will set up my own kingdom and live for myself, again and again. Everyday the 2 kingdoms are before me, which one will I love and serve, God’s? or my own?

What does this look like practically?

Love is being willing to have your life complicated by the needs and struggles of your spouse without impatience or anger

Love is actively fighting the temptation to be critical and judgmental toward your spouse, while looking for ways to encourage and praise.

Love is the daily commitment to resist the needless moments of conflict that come from pointing out and responding to minor offenses.

Love is being lovingly honest and humbly approachable in times of misunderstanding, and being more committed to unity and love than you are to winning, accusing, or being right.

Love is a daily commitment to admit your sin, weakness, and failure and to resist the temptation to offer an excuse or shift the blame.

Love means being willing, when confronted by your spouse, to examine your heart rather than rising to your defense or shifting the focus.

Tell your inner-lawyer to shut up

Love is a daily commitment to grow in love so that the love you offer to your spouse is increasingly selfless, mature, and patient.

Love is being unwilling to do what is wrong when you have been wronged but to look for concrete and specific ways to overcome evil with good.

Love is being a good student of your spouse, looking for his physical, emotional, and spiritual needs so that in some way you can remove the burden, support him as he carries it, or encourage him along the way.

Love means being willing to invest the time necessary to discuss, examine, and understand the problems that you face as a couple, staying on task until the problem is removed or you have agreed upon a strategy of response.

Love is always being willing to ask for forgiveness and always being committed to grant forgiveness when it is requested.

Love is recognizing the high value of trust in a marriage and being faithful to your promises and true to your word.

Love is speaking kindly and gently, even in moments of disagreement, refusing to attack your spouse’s character or assault his or her intelligence.

Love is being unwilling to flatter, lie, manipulate, or deceive in any way in order to co-opt your spouse into giving you what you want or doing something your way.

Love is the willingness to have less free time, less sleep, and a busier schedule in order to be faithful to what God has called you to be and to do as a husband or a wife.

Love is a commitment to say no to selfish instincts and to do everything that is within your ability to promote real unity, functional understanding, and active love in your marriage.

Love is staying faithful to your commitment to treat your spouse with appreciation, respect, and grace, even in moments when he or she doesn’t seem to deserve it or is unwilling to reciprocate.

Love is the willingness to make regular and costly sacrifices for the sake of your marriage without asking anything in return or using your sacrifices to place your spouse in your debt.

Love is being unwilling to make an personal decision or choice that would harm your marriage, hurt your husband or wife, or weaken the bond of trust between you.

Love is refusing to be self-focused or demanding but instead looking for specific ways to serve, support, and encourage, even when you are busy or tired.

Love is daily admitting to yourself, your spouse, and God that you are not able to love this way without God’s protecting, providing, forgiving, rescuing, and delivering grace.