Forgiveness and Reconciliation

Series Intro

We’re starting a new series this weekend that we’re calling “Reassembly Required.” Reassembly Required.

Let’s start with this:

I hate assembling… anything. Putting things together. Hate it.

Anything that requires fine motor skills… patiently deciphering instructions… “place B1 in slot A4 on pole D using (1) #14 bolt with the Mm washer but DO NOT TIGHTEN...” or you’ll have to…

Basically throw the whole thing in the trash and buy another one.

Hate it.

And my wife will testify to this:

Even when I try my absolute best...

Like, I’ll pray beforehand:

“God, give me the patience I need to not completely lose it in front of my children.”

And I’ll lay everything out neatly, and I’ll read the instructions carefully, and I’ll go slowly…

Even then, I’ll get to step 9, and realize...

Ope. That doesn’t fit.

Why?

I don’t know why. So then I go back, and…

Well, I messed up step 4. Didn’t realize that. But maybe can I take just this piece off without breaking anything…

Nope. That’s broken. Looks like the island of misfit toys just grew by one more.

Reassembly required. Sometimes it doesn’t matter how careful you are; you’ll have to go back and fix something that you broke. True in toys, Swedish furniture, and...

True in relationships as well. I’ve found myself needing to reassemble some of my relationships—trying to fix something that I broke with someone. Or, vice versa: I’ve found myself on the other side of someone trying to reassemble their relationship with me.

In just about all of our relationships there’s gonna be some reassembly required.

So what do we mean by “reassembly?” How do we usually mess up and need to fix our broken relationships?

Here’s where we’re going in the series:

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Reassembly Required

Week 1 - Forgiveness & Reconciliation

Week 2 - Boundaries & Toxicity

Week 3 - My Church Family

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Should be really good.

Weekend Intro

Ok. Let’s get into it. Week 1. Forgiveness & reconciliation.

So, in a minute, we’ll do some definitions. What do we mean by forgiveness, and what do we mean by reconciliation? We’ll start there in a second.

But before we do that, let’s just acknowledge a few things:

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Forgiveness & Reconciliation...

Aren’t simple, but complex. Like real life.

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Even biblically. Forgiveness isn’t simple. When Jesus talks about it, or Paul talks about it, or the prophets, or Moses… they don’t talk about forgiveness one-dimensionally. There’s several different aspects to it.

Which makes sense—because life isn’t simple, either. And if life isn’t simple, why would we expect forgiveness or reconciliation to be?

Now, we’ll sort out some of the complexity this weekend—because we want to understand and be able to faithfully live these out. But we gotta know what we’re getting ourselves into.

Here’s the other thing:

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Forgiveness & Reconciliation...

Aren’t simple, but complex. Like real life.

Can be understood, but easily misapplied. Be careful.

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We’ll be looking at a lot of Scripture this weekend on both of these topics—because God inspired the Bible, and when we properly interpret, understand, and apply it, we’ll experience life as he intended—including what happens when we forgive and reconcile.

But forgive as God forgave you… forgive 70 times 7… forgive, and you will be forgiven… whoever has been forgiven little loves little...

All written in the Bible.

But what about when someone… abuses you in a physical, sexual, or emotional manner?

What if what we’re talking about is that level of traumatic?

Or maybe on a different but related track:

What if… whoever... doesn’t care to be forgiven for whatever they’ve done? What if they aren’t asking? What if they don’t feel sorry?

What if they don’t even know that what they did really wounded you? Or they don’t agree that they did? What if they don’t see it like you see it?

Or what if they’re not in your life anymore?

What if they’re dead?

The truths about forgiveness and reconciliation in the Bible can be understood. But life and relationships are really, really messy. So these super clear truths are really, really easy to misapply in the mess.

And I know this might be an uncomfortable thing to talk about in church—so we want to tread so carefully and gently here. Because for so many of us, the first thing that comes to mind when we think about forgiveness is...

An abuser. Or an ex. Or whoever used their power to do us the most harm, usually when we were at our most vulnerable.

And if that’s you and where you go either mentally or emotionally when it comes to this idea of forgiveness… let me just say this:

Sometimes in an effort to make things either accessible or practical or simple, the church sometimes oversimplifies and even misapplies truths about forgiveness and reconciliation. And so you might have that baggage when it comes to this conversation as well.

Definitions

So, no matter what you’re bringing to this, let’s start with some definitions. Because we don’t want to add to the baggage by being unclear:

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What forgiveness is:

Choosing | to release a person | from their debt of guilt with you:

"I’m gonna stop charging you for the debt you’ve incurred with me.”

What forgiveness is not:

Minimizing, excusing, or justifying/explaining away the wrong thing they’ve done:

“Forgiveness doesn’t change the past, but it helps me be free from it.”

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Let me put up a section from the Lord’s Prayer here to illustrate this, and then I’ll put this slide back up. If you’re trying to write it down right now, don’t worry; we’re gonna go back to it in a second and unpack it.

Forgiveness in the Lord’s Prayer

But this definition of forgiveness is what Jesus meant when he prayed the now famous “Lord’s Prayer” in Matthew 6. Jesus says, “When you go to pray to God, say something like this:”

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Matthew 6:12 “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.”

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So that word “forgive” and the words “debts” or “debtors” are actually the same root word in the original language of the New Testament. Here’s kinda how it would’ve sounded if you heard Jesus teach this prayer:

“And aphes us our opheilemata, as we also have aphekamen our opheiletes.”

Kinda sounds the same, because it’s the same root word in each of those four words.

And that root word essentially means to “send away,” or differently put:

“Let it go.”

What are we letting go of as we forgive? We’re letting go of the debt of guilt they’ve incurred with us. I’m not trying to change my mind about what you’ve done to me; I’m making the choice to stop charging you for it.

So let’s put our previous slide back up now to see how this all works:

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What forgiveness is:

Choosing | to release a person | from their debt of guilt:

"I’m gonna stop charging you for the debt you’ve incurred with me.”

What forgiveness is not:

Minimizing, excusing, or justifying/explaining away the wrong thing they’ve done:

“Forgiveness doesn’t change the past, but it helps you to be free from it.”

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There it is. That’s what forgiveness is, and what forgiveness isn’t. So if you’re taking notes, you’ll have plenty of time to capture this—but let’s unpack it a little bit. Think about it this way:

Let’s say that you and me are in our cars in the parking lot after church. I’ve got my family in my car; yours in your car. And there’s a little bit of a line of cars out of the parking lot. You’re in front of me; I’m right behind you.

And let’s say that I’m kinda halfway paying attention to where I’m going… because I’m also kinda yelling at my kids about being too loud in the backseat.

And then, all of a sudden, I rear end you.

Awkward.

You get out; I get out. I’m apologetic, and you’re understanding...

But there’s a debt now. I’ve incurred a debt with you. I am in your debt.

And you want to be a nice person, and it’s just a car, and blah, blah, blah. But we exchange information, and you take your car to the collision center to get an estimate.

Turns out the cost to fix what I broke is, of course, $2600. Because, 2023.

Now think about this:

It’s a debt that I’ve created with you. It’s my fault. I did it. And there’s a cost to what I broke. It’s a debt that I’ve created...

But you own it. You own that debt.

I’m in your debt.

In other words:

You can do with that debt whatever you choose. Because it’s yours.

And because it’s yours to do with whatever you choose, if you so desire, you can choose to make me pay it. That would be perfectly just and fair and right.

Or, because it’s yours to do with whatever you choose, you can choose to forgive that debt. You have the power to no longer force me to pay, if you so choose. Because, again, it’s yours.

(Now, if we actually are ever in that situation, please let me pay my deductible and let my insurance company pay my debt to you. Just so we’re clear.)

But when Jesus is talking about forgiveness—let’s see it again:

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Matthew 6:12 “And forgive us our debts, as we also have forgiven our debtors.”

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When Jesus talks about it, he defines it in this kind of way.

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Forgiveness is choosing to stop making someone pay for what they’ve done to you.

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And in this way, forgiveness—at least as Jesus defines it—doesn’t depend on the debtor. At all.

It doesn’t depend on whether or not they’ve asked for forgiveness. Or if they’re sorry.

It doesn’t depend on whether or not they see it like you see it.

It doesn’t depend on if they agree that it’s a big debt, a small debt, or somewhere in between.

Forgiveness is simply a choice that you can make to no longer make them pay for what they’ve done to you.

Now: does forgiveness mean that I can’t or shouldn’t seek justice? When Jesus says that we should ask God for forgiveness as we forgive others, does that mean that I can never seek justice for the wrongs that have been done to me?

Does it mean that if someone rear ends me in the parking lot that I should always just pay the cost to fix my own car, in other words?

No. It doesn’t mean that.

But when we’re talking about relationships, sometimes justice is kinda hard to even define or achieve. What does justice look like when someone takes advantage of you or cheats on you? What does justice look like when someone makes fun of you or talks about you behind your back?

I don’t know. But what I do know is that if we understand forgiveness in the way that Jesus is talking about it… even though each of those creates a real debt, it’s possible to forgive—even in those situations where justice feels elusive.

Forgiveness: How and Why

But… easier said than done, right? I mean, even if I’m super clear on what forgiveness is and isn’t… it can still feel like it’s something that I just can’t do. It can feel too costly.

Jesus actually tells a story about that very thing in Luke 7. It’s a different context, though. Jesus is in the home of a Pharisee (basically a local pastor), and a woman interrupts their meal kinda awkwardly. She’s not an invited guest; but she obviously has some kind of connection with Jesus.

The text says that she had a reputation in that town for being a sinner of some kind. Maybe she was a sex worker; or maybe it was some other thing. Either way; she wasn’t known for her character.

But she comes in crying, kneels at Jesus’ feet, and anoints them with a really expensive perfume.

And this is a gesture of humility, repentance, and gratitude. She must have had some kind of impression or encounter with Jesus where he didn’t treat her like her sins deserved or according to her past or reputation, but instead with kindness. And that kindness sunk into her heart and produced… repentance.

And so there she is, on the floor, at Jesus’ feet.

And the Pharisee—the local pastor—across the table from Jesus thinks to himself:

If this Jesus is who he says he is, he’d know what kind of woman was bowing at his feet. And he’d be repulsed.

But because Jesus was who he said he was, he knew what this pastor was thinking—and then tells him this story:

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Luke 7:41-48 “Two people owed money to a certain moneylender. One owed him five hundred denarii, and the other fifty. Neither of them had the money to pay him back, so he forgave the debts of both. Now which of them will love him more?” Simon replied, “I suppose the one who had the bigger debt forgiven.” “You have judged correctly,” Jesus said.

Then he turned toward the woman and said to Simon, “Do you see this woman? I came into your house. You did not give me any water for my feet, but she wet my feet with her tears and wiped them with her hair. You did not give me a kiss, but this woman, from the time I entered, has not stopped kissing my feet. You did not put oil on my head, but she has poured perfume on my feet.

Therefore, I tell you, her many sins have been forgiven—as her great love has shown. But whoever has been forgiven little loves little.” Then Jesus said to her, “Your sins are forgiven.”

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So, different context than what we’ve been previously talking about when it comes to what a lot of us bring to this idea of forgiveness. Some of us have walked through unspeakable, horrific things done to us at the hands of another.

Some of us have some deep, deep wounds given to us from people who should’ve been safe, or on our side, or trustworthy—and were anything but.

And the idea of forgiving them—even when we understand what forgiveness is and isn’t—just feels impossible. Like, we just don’t have it in us.

And we would be right about that. We don’t. We don’t have that kind of forgiveness in us.

So maybe we should stop looking inside of us.

Forgiveness is a choice—yes. It’s our choice.

But a lot of the time, that choice comes at the end of a journey… a journey with God.

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Releasing someone from a large debt of guilt inevitably will require you to meaningfully reflect and reconnect with how much God has forgiven you.

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You’re not going to be able to do it on you own. The only way that you’ll be able to forgive a big debt is if God’s story of forgiveness is big in your heart.

Yeah, but… do I have to?

Jesus is clear on that as well:

Yes. You do. And you will—if you want to follow in the way of Jesus.

Hard Truths about Forgiveness

Okay. A few last things on forgiveness, and then we’ll finish with reconciliation.

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Hard Truths About Forgiveness:

Sometimes it’s not just a single choice; it’s a continual choice. Forgiveness isn’t just an event; it’s also a process.

Forgiveness is a choice, but for the follower of Jesus, isn’t an option. Forgiven people forgive people.

Forgiveness doesn’t (and shouldn’t!) always result in a restored relationship.

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Which is a good segue into our next and final topic, reconciliation.

Reconciliation: Definition

So let’s get a definition first. Here it is:

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What reconciliation is:

An intentional process of rebuilding and restoring a relationship after it’s been broken.

What reconciliation is not:

Simply forgiving, then being polite or civil.

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Forgiveness... is not making someone pay anymore.

But reconciliation... is being friends again.

Forgiveness... means not holding what someone did against them any longer.

But reconciliation... means not holding them at arms’ length any longer.

Reconciliation is a different animal.

Remember what we just said about forgiveness: it doesn’t always result in a restored relationship.

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Forgiveness doesn’t always lead to reconciliation.

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And it won’t—especially if we’re forgiving someone and they haven’t asked, or said they’re sorry, or acknowledged how big of debt they got into with you.

Hard Truths About Reconciliation

So let’s just get this out of the way right now:

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Hard Truths About Reconciliation:

Unlike forgiveness, reconciliation is a two-way street—so it’s not always possible to pursue.

There can be no reconciliation without repentance. For the offender, repentance is the first step towards reconciliation.

There can be no reconciliation without forgiveness. For the offended, forgiveness is the first step towards reconciliation.

Reconciliation by its very nature can’t be rushed.

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(Explain—especially repentance. Repentance is a change of heart. It’s a deep knowing and understanding of the wrong you’ve done, and then an intentional and consistent moving in the right direction. This is the only way that trust is rebuilt in a relationship, and the only way that reconciliation is even possible.

If there’s no repentance, you should forgive—but you can’t be reconciled.)

Pursuing Reconciliation

Take a look at what Jesus says back in Matthew 5:

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Matthew 5:23-24 “Therefore, if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother or sister has something against you, leave your gift there in front of the altar. First go and be reconciled to them; then come and offer your gift.”

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Now, the context is important here—because Jesus is talking about a “brother or sister.” Whenever you see that phrase in the New Testament, most of the time it’s talking about a brother or sister in Christ—a fellow believer or follower of Jesus… and very likely someone you probably go to church with.

I think the same principle can be applied to a degree in other kinds of relationships—but Jesus very specifically here is talking about two people who are a part of God’s family and sometimes even the same church family.

And so what Jesus is saying is this:

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To err is human. You’ll mess up some of your relationships.

But to reconcile is divine. If you’re part of God’s family, you’ll pursue reconciliation.

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