Toxic relationships (2)

Genesis 31: 43-52

43 And Laban answered and said unto Jacob, These daughters are my daughters, and these children are my children, and these cattle are my cattle, and all that thou seest is mine: and what can I do this day unto these my daughters, or unto their children which they have born?

44 Now therefore come thou, let us make a covenant, I and thou; and let it be for a witness between me and thee.

45 And Jacob took a stone, and set it up for a pillar.

46 And Jacob said unto his brethren, Gather stones; and they took stones, and made an heap: and they did eat there upon the heap.

47 And Laban called it Jegarsahadutha: but Jacob called it Galeed.

48 And Laban said, This heap is a witness between me and thee this day. Therefore was the name of it called Galeed;

49 And Mizpah; for he said, The Lord watch between me and thee, when we are absent one from another.

50 If thou shalt afflict my daughters, or if thou shalt take other wives beside my daughters, no man is with us; see, God is witness betwixt me and thee.

51 And Laban said to Jacob, Behold this heap, and behold this pillar, which I have cast betwixt me and thee:

52 This heap be witness, and this pillar be witness, that I will not pass over this heap to thee, and that thou shalt not pass over this heap and this pillar unto me, for harm.

Pray:

I like it when modern story tellers start their stories at the end. Because it makes the story like a puzzle. And I start asking questions. Questions like: How did it come to this? What happened to lead up to this point in the story? And in todays bible story we find that Jacob and Laban are at odds with one another. So, what happened? We know that they are family. Laban is Jacobs father in law. Yet here they are setting up a permanent boundary and pledging to stay away from one another. Now if I said that Laban was Jacob’s mother in law, you might say. Well, there’s no need to tell the rest of the story. I get it. LOL. But that is not the case.

This morning we are going to start at the end then go back to the beginning to figure out what happened here. How did it come to this? What can we learn from this bible story? Can the lessons we learn from this story be applied to our lives today?

The passage we just read is where Jacob and Laban are making a pledge to one another. And the pledge was that they set up a boundary made of stones. And Jacob and his family were to stay on their side of the stones and Laban and his family were to stay on their side of the stone boundaries.

One question I often hear asked Is, is it acceptable for Christians to shut family out of their lives? If so what are the conditions for doing this?

We all know there are times when we need to set healthy boundaries? But what about shutting toxic people out of our lives. And what about when those toxic people are family?

Now let me say this about boundaries and borders. We have a situation going on in America today where illegal immigrants are coming to America in massive numbers. They are coming here illegally and against the will of the people. Then when these, well lets just call them what they are, invaders, get here. They immediately get in with the Antifa crowd and start talking about how whites and Christians are oppressing them. Folks if you are coming to MY country and getting free handouts. Then you are NOT oppressed. And if you hate Americans so much then why not stay home? Borders and boundaries are biblical. And I want you to see this today as well.

Oh and I have nothing against legal immigrants. But the founding fathers required all immigrants to be free, Christian and yes even European. This melting pot lie you were taught in school is just that. A LIE brought to you by the synagogue of Satan. Go read the works of the founding fathers and you will see this. And I am not against other races. I have worked in the missions field in Mexico and love all people. But the only way to avoid becoming a third world country is to force third world people to fix their own countries, rather than coming here and destroying ours. Remember this. God demands seperation for His people. We are not supposed to live among heathens. And our politicians are not giving us any peaceful options to separate ourselves from the heathen nations.

Having said that let’s go back to the beginning of our story and see what happened here.

Let’s turn back to Genesis 29: 15-18

15 And Laban said unto Jacob, Because thou art my brother, shouldest thou therefore serve me for nought? tell me, what shall thy wages be?

16 And Laban had two daughters: the name of the elder was Leah, and the name of the younger was Rachel.

17 Leah was tender eyed; but Rachel was beautiful and well favoured.

18 And Jacob loved Rachel; and said, I will serve thee seven years for Rachel thy younger daughter.

Jacob had met Rachel earlier in our story. And like most young men when they meet a beautiful young lady he was smitten. When he met her father Laban, they made a deal. The deal was that Jacob would work for Laban for 7 years. After the end of the 7 years Laban would agree to give Jacob his daughter, Rachel’s, hand in marriage.

Now come down to verse 20:

20 And Jacob served seven years for Rachel; and they seemed unto him but a few days, for the love he had to her.

21 And Jacob said unto Laban, Give me my wife, for my days are fulfilled, that I may go in unto her.

22 And Laban gathered together all the men of the place, and made a feast.

23 And it came to pass in the evening, that he took Leah his daughter, and brought her to him; and he went in unto her.

24 And Laban gave unto his daughter Leah Zilpah his maid for an handmaid.

25 And it came to pass, that in the morning, behold, it was Leah: and he said to Laban, What is this thou hast done unto me? did not I serve with thee for Rachel? wherefore then hast thou beguiled me?

Notice it says in verse 25 that Laban beguiled Jacob. Where have we heard that word before? Remember the serpent of Nakash beguiled Eve, right? Laban had tricked Jacob into marrying Leah. Not sure how this happened. Likely escorted her into the tent before and she was covered up and it was dark and Jacob had no idea that he was joining in marriage, which is what consecration is, any time you have relations with someone you are essentially getting married. Which is why we are not supposed to have relations apart from marriage. But this is strike one on Laban.

Laban beguiled Jacob. Tricked him. Right away we see that Laban is a dishonest man.

Jacob worked hard for 7 years for the right to marry Rachel and was tricked into marrying Leah.

Come down to verse 26:

26 And Laban said, It must not be so done in our country, to give the younger before the firstborn.

27 Fulfil her week, and we will give thee this also for the service which thou shalt serve with me yet seven other years.

28 And Jacob did so, and fulfilled her week: and he gave him Rachel his daughter to wife also.

By the time Jacob gets Rachel he has worked for Laban for 14 years. No wages, no salary. NOTHING. Slave labor.

After 20 years Jacob has 11 sons and 1 daughter and 4 wives and owned nothing. It has been 20 years of slave labor for Laban.

And Laban is evil. He uses his daughters for profit. And Jacob continues to be manipulated by the women in his life and their father. But after a while Jacob finally starts to wise up.

Folks sometimes for the good to start the bad must end. And sometimes a man must get his fill before he wises up and makes a stand. As Malcom X said. A man who doesn’t stand for something will fall for everything.

Now let’s go to Chapter 30:25. And we are going to read a lot here and then I’ll go back and exegete this:

25 And it came to pass, when Rachel had born Joseph, that Jacob said unto Laban, Send me away, that I may go unto mine own place, and to my country.

26 Give me my wives and my children, for whom I have served thee, and let me go: for thou knowest my service which I have done thee.

27 And Laban said unto him, I pray thee, if I have found favour in thine eyes, tarry: for I have learned by experience that the Lord hath blessed me for thy sake.

28 And he said, Appoint me thy wages, and I will give it.

29 And he said unto him, Thou knowest how I have served thee, and how thy cattle was with me.

30 For it was little which thou hadst before I came, and it is now increased unto a multitude; and the Lord hath blessed thee since my coming: and now when shall I provide for mine own house also?

31 And he said, What shall I give thee? And Jacob said, Thou shalt not give me any thing: if thou wilt do this thing for me, I will again feed and keep thy flock.

32 I will pass through all thy flock to day, removing from thence all the speckled and spotted cattle, and all the brown cattle among the sheep, and the spotted and speckled among the goats: and of such shall be my hire.

33 So shall my righteousness answer for me in time to come, when it shall come for my hire before thy face: every one that is not speckled and spotted among the goats, and brown among the sheep, that shall be counted stolen with me.

34 And Laban said, Behold, I would it might be according to thy word.

35 And he removed that day the he goats that were ringstraked and spotted, and all the she goats that were speckled and spotted, and every one that had some white in it, and all the brown among the sheep, and gave them into the hand of his sons.

36 And he set three days' journey betwixt himself and Jacob: and Jacob fed the rest of Laban's flocks.

37 And Jacob took him rods of green poplar, and of the hazel and chesnut tree; and pilled white strakes in them, and made the white appear which was in the rods.

38 And he set the rods which he had pilled before the flocks in the gutters in the watering troughs when the flocks came to drink, that they should conceive when they came to drink.

39 And the flocks conceived before the rods, and brought forth cattle ringstraked, speckled, and spotted.

40 And Jacob did separate the lambs, and set the faces of the flocks toward the ringstraked, and all the brown in the flock of Laban; and he put his own flocks by themselves, and put them not unto Laban's cattle.

41 And it came to pass, whensoever the stronger cattle did conceive, that Jacob laid the rods before the eyes of the cattle in the gutters, that they might conceive among the rods.

42 But when the cattle were feeble, he put them not in: so the feebler were Laban's, and the stronger Jacob's.

43 And the man increased exceedingly, and had much cattle, and maidservants, and menservants, and camels, and asses.

Stick with me here. I know this is a lot of reading. But I really want you to get the lessons in this story.

Jacob just had the forefathers of the 12 tribes of Israel. Israel being a person as God changed Jacob’s name to Israel. Which happened to become the name of the Northern Kingdom. But Israel was always a family of people and not a country and that is still true today.

Israel was to become many nations not just one small country in the middle east. And that is also true today.

So, in our story Jacob is finally standing up to Laban. The kids have never met their grandparents and Jacob has worked for 20 years for free and is ready to go home with his family.

Notice Laban says well if I have found favor in your site. In others word. Don’t you like me?

That is in verse 27. And in the King James Laban says I have learned from experience. In the Hebrew it says. I have learned from divining the spirits. In other words, Laban worshiped Satan. And Satan told Laban that Jacob was blessed by God.

And being the evil man that Laban was he wanted to hang onto free labor and to the man who God was blessing. Laban was profiting off Jacob. That is how evil people are, they don’t see people as friends or loved ones. They see people as objects to use for their benefit. This is apparent by how he used his own daughters to get free work out of Jacob.

At this point Laban says. Well name your wages. For 20 years he has used Jacob. Only now when he is concerned over losing him does he offer to pay him.

Jacob’s response is hey when I got here you were broke. And I have made you a rich man. Now it is time for me to provide for MY household.

With 12 kids and 4 wives that’s an understatement.

Then Laban says well. What should I offer you?

Folks when someone is evil. Don’t take anything they offer you. There are people in this world who will offer you favors with strings attached. Maybe they want your loyalty. Maybe they want your service. But evil people never give you anything without strings attached. Never take any gift from an evil person. Here Jacob has finally wised up. And decides to trust God to provide. So, he doesn’t take anything from Laban because he knows it will be used to manipulate him.

Jacob says let me work for you a little bit more and then I’ll leave. He is making a deal to get away from Laban.

But Laban wants to set things up so that he gets all the studs and Jacob gets the runts of the liter. In other words, he wants to steal from his son in law and his daughters and even his grandchildren. Pretty evil guy, right?

I want you to notice here that Jacob trusted God. And because he did Gods providence worked in his favor. And that is often the case. We have an element to modern society that thinks that someone is wealthy because they are evil. But this is not always the case. Some people are simply blessed by God. The antifa’s and the communists of the world believe in equal outcome. But equality of opportunity is not the same thing as equal outcome. We have what we earn. And at times those who do well, do so because of God’s favor on their lives.

To sum this up. Jacob went to his father-in-law and said. Hey, I built you this empire. This big company. And I have a family to support. And you have stolen from me. You have profited from me, and I have nothing. You aren’t a good person. I’ll work a bit longer if you will let me go.

So, I’ll take the worst part of the business and you take the best part and then I’ll leave. And God intervenes and blesses Jacob. Because Jacob is acting in faith.

Laban had tricked Jacob. So, Jacob had enough and tricked Laban.

But Laban was an evil man. He was a toxic person. He had a murderous spirit.

We know that Satan is a liar and a murderer. And Laban had a heart that loved to hate. A good heart loves people. But a broken heart is always looking to attack to steal, to fight. They are hateful and negative. Always looking for an enemy.

When you are dealing with someone like this you need to understand. Your good day is their bad day. They take, you give. They win, you lose. They are narcist’s. They inflict pain, you endure pain. Their sole mission is to hurt you. That is what motivates them.

Their methods are to use and drain you. Imagine how exhausted Jacob is here from dealing with this selfish, evil narcists for 20 years? They are emotional vampires.

Another method they use is to discourage you. Criticism and back handed comments. Attacking your character. Keeping you dependent on them. Grinding you down to nothing.

Demonic people never seem to get tired, do they? Narcists are like those sharks who have to keep swimming. If they stop swimming they die. And these evil people like Laban never slow down, because if they do then they will have to deal with their conscience. Assuming they have one. Slowing down means facing what they have done. And so, they never seem to stop.

They grind you down until you surrender so that they can control you. Then when you finally break, they want you to think that you are the crazy one.

And at this point, Jacob is likely thinking. Am I the crazy one? But he’s not.

Those people with a murderous spirit will kill your joy. They will kill your health. They will kill your family. They will kill your church. They will kill your hope, your time, your marriage. If you have a ministry, they will murder your ministry. They will even murder your marriage.

It is very much the same way that political correctness murders free speech. This is how evil works.

I have dealt with my share of people like this. One of the things they love to do is called splitting. They will turn people against you behind your back. Then try to turn you against those people behind their backs. And if you aren’t communicating then they will destroy those relationships. And if you are there will be constant stress in them. People like this are pure evil.

And listen to me carefully. Sometimes these people are family. And what do you do when you have a family member like this?

First let me say this. People like this love to throw your faith in your face. Laban here would have said. Aren’t you a Christian Jacob? Aren’t you supposed to forgive me? Ya know Jacob. If you were any kind of Christian at all you wouldn’t be acting like this. I thought you Christians were forgiving. Aren’t you supposed to forgive me? They love to weaponize your faith against you.

Know anyone like that? Bet you do.

It is manipulation. Folks good people don’t manipulate you or your emotions. And they certainly don’t use your faith against you. That’s evil.

People like this are incapable of simply disagreeing. A healthy Christian can say. Well, we just disagree and that’s ok. But someone like this will NEVER let it go. They will twist things and manipulate things until they find some way to get to you. And to finally silence you or destroy you. If you don’t agree with me, I’m going to murder you. That is the kind of person Laban is and there are tons of people like him in the world today. And sometimes they will show up in your church family. And sometimes they may even be in your immediate family.

In the church these people are wolves in sheep’s clothing. And they can and will always find someone to agree with them. They will make pacts with the other wolves in the church to take down the pastor or a member that crossed them. They make unholy alliances to punish those who disagree with them, and they always find each other. Why? The people may not know each other but their demons do.

This is what Laban does here. He gets his sons, his other employees and anyone he can in his extended family to go after Jacob.

So, sword in hand this man chases after his own son-in-law, his daughters, and his grandchildren. Talk about traumatizing the grandchildren.

What are the fruits of the spirit people?

Love, joy, peace….

These people love the game of law for you and grace for me. They are very self-righteous. They see themselves as right and they always want sympathy.

We don’t read anything about Laban’s wife here. But if I could take an educated guess and if you would give me the liberty to do so. I’ll tell you exactly how Laban’s wife acted in my opinion.

Here it is: Are you serious Laban? As much as you have done for that boy. You gave him your daughters. You gave him all the work he wanted. And this is how he repays you!!! I’m done with that Jacob. I will NEVER let him hurt me again!!!

Drama, drama, drama. These people are attracted to drama and conflict. And never seem to get their fill.

When people like this attack you privately it’s no fun. But when they do it publicly? It’s really really bad.

As a Pastor. When I feel led to correct someone. I always do it privately. Because if it must be done, I’d rather do it in a way that allows for a friendly discussion rather than a public argument. When a person wants to make a disagreement public, they are showing everyone that they have a murderous spirit. Or at the very least don’t understand how church leaders are supposed to operate.

Because that person isn’t trying to fix the relationship. They are trying to crucify or even destroy the person. This is why leaders in the church should never reprimand someone publicly. Unless they publicly ask for it. But even this is at the very least the symptom of a rebellious spirit. And could easily be taken for a murderous spirit.

They are saying. Hey, let’s invite the whole world into our disagreement. Narcists are like that. They want to inflict pain. Make you look bad. If they can.

Now let’s go back to the beginning of todays message.

By the way. People with a murderous spirit will murder the facts. Look at this: Genesis 31:1

31 And he heard the words of Laban's sons, saying, Jacob hath taken away all that was our father's; and of that which was our father's hath he gotten all this glory.

Now we know this is not what happened. Jacob set up clearly defined boundaries for them to separate. And God blessed Jacob. But Laban had convinced his den of wolves otherwise.

The good news happens in verse 3.

3 And the Lord said unto Jacob, Return unto the land of thy fathers, and to thy kindred; and I will be with thee.

Jacob stood up for himself. Then he set up boundaries. And God blessed him. Jacob did everything he could within reason.

Let me add this: If God is for you. Who can be against you? Some people never learn this. They continue to poke the bear. If you are like Laban, Gods man is the last bear you should be poking. It will NOT end well for you.

Now listen to what Jacob says in verse 5 of chapter 31.

5 And said unto them, I see your father's countenance, that it is not toward me as before; but the God of my father hath been with me.

6 And ye know that with all my power I have served your father.

7 And your father hath deceived me, and changed my wages ten times; but God suffered him not to hurt me.

Jacob is saying. Your father doesn’t like me anymore. But that’s ok. My heavenly father does.

And then Jacob and Laban make a final covenant. And this is where we began our reading this morning. And I want you to listen to me very carefully this morning.

Jacob set up a final boundary. And that boundary was you stay on your side of the country, and I’ll stay on mine. Jacob had to cut out the toxic members of his family.

What we need to understand that as Christians sometimes we need to cut people out of our lives. And sometimes that even means family. Anyone, family or not, who hinders your ability to walk with Christ is toxic and needs to go.

Stop allowing evil church members or evil family members to hinder your walk. Put up boundaries. And if they don’t respect your boundaries it is perfectly fine with God for you to shut them out for good.

Jacob finally gets his strength from God. He matures. Laban continued to cheat Jacob over and over. But in the end Jacobs faith in God overcame the evil Laban.

Listen to verses 6-12

6 And ye know that with all my power I have served your father.

7 And your father hath deceived me, and changed my wages ten times; but God suffered him not to hurt me.

8 If he said thus, The speckled shall be thy wages; then all the cattle bare speckled: and if he said thus, The ringstraked shall be thy hire; then bare all the cattle ringstraked.

9 Thus God hath taken away the cattle of your father, and given them to me.

10 And it came to pass at the time that the cattle conceived, that I lifted up mine eyes, and saw in a dream, and, behold, the rams which leaped upon the cattle were ringstraked, speckled, and grisled.

11 And the angel of God spake unto me in a dream, saying, Jacob: And I said, Here am I.

12 And he said, Lift up now thine eyes, and see, all the rams which leap upon the cattle are ringstraked, speckled, and grisled: for I have seen all that Laban doeth unto thee.

Two things here. God spoke to Jacob. When God shows favor on a man and speaks to him. You are not going to destroy him.

Second thing ladies and young men. When you marry someone they are now your family. The in laws are no longer your immediate family they are your extended family. Your loyalty belongs to one another. And Rachel see’s this. And stands against her father and with her husband. This is what it means to start a family. Your loyalty should be to each other and your kids.

God opened the eyes of Rachel and Leah to see their father for what he was. And because of that Jacob was free to raise his family and serve the Lord.

But it started with healthy boundaries. I can’t help but think that some of you have had such an experience in your life. Do you know how to set healthy boundaries? Do you know that it is ok to cut ties with those who rob you of your joy? Even when they are family? The bible says it is.

Just because you forgive someone doesn’t mean you give them a license to destroy you. And we need to understand this.