Marriage Game Plan

Sermon 2 - Confession / Forgiveness

I am not perfect

We are not at war with our spouse but with the sin

Scripture:

Ephesians 5:24-27 “Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.”

[Review]

Real Love: Love is willing self-sacrifice for the good of another that does not require reciprocation or that the person being loved is deserving.

Biggest Problem: Me and the sin (selfishness)

God’s Purpose in Marriage: Transform you. Holiness not happiness is His purpose (happiness is on the other end of holiness).

C.S. Lewis: If we let Him … He will make the feeblest and filthiest of us into a god or goddess, a dazzling, radiant, immortal creature, pulsating all through with such energy and joy and wisdom and love as we cannot now imagine, a bright stainless mirror which reflects back to God perfectly (though, of course, on a smaller scale) His own boundless power and delight and goodness. The process will be long and in parts very painful; but that is what we are in for. Nothing less.

[Thesis]

Key to Transformation: Confession & Repentance

Confession - Agreeing with God and bringing sin into the light

Repentance - Taking full responsibility for it, turning from it to God, and committing to change.

Unconfessed/unrepented sin will lead us to a hard heart. A hard heart is resistant to the loving squeeze of the Holy Spirit to change us from the inside out.

A hard heart is much more dangerous to the relationship than any failure we may have.

This can happen when your spouse shares something that hurt or was sinful, a blind-spot that you are unaware of. Instead of confessing & repenting, you get defensive and justify yourself. Self-justification is a key point.

Self-justification, then, is calling evil good and allowing it to take root in your heart - leading to a hard heart.

You can read the bible, listen to a marriage seminar, pray, worship and be completely blind and now desensitized to the sin in your life. - because you justified yourself.

Physical blindness - you know you are blind. Spiritual blindness - you don’t know you are blind, you think you see!

John 9:41 “Jesus said, “If you were blind, you would not be guilty of sin; but now that you claim you can see, your guilt remains.”

Example: talking about people and calling it a detailed prayer request

Being stingy with your money and not giving, calling it being a good steward

Being mean and unkind, calling it...

Pride - you can’t change. You are not a perfect husband or a perfect wife.

Marriage is a dynamic and most intimate relationship where God is at work to change you.

No one knows your blind-spots, areas where you are blind than your spouse.

Ask your spouse for a list of things that hurt and don’t love

We don’t do this because we are afraid of the shame and guilt of our wrong behaviors.

Betrays our lack of knowing the Gospel.

God already knows. He doesn’t want to expose it to hurt you, but to heal you.

He has already forgiven you and showered you with grace (love in action) to change you.

So when we are confronted with sin, we do not need to defend and self-justify, we can instead confess it, repent and receive forgiveness and grace from our Father who loves us because He has already forgiven us at the cross.

Marriage’s 2 Transformational Power: There are two powers in your marriage that (as I said) make it dynamic and transformational.

Truth & Love

Truth (Scripture truth) - They can see in you what you don’t see. Your blind spots. Only blind spots can enslave you.

Marriage is the closest most inescapable contact you can have with another person.

No one is effected by your flaws as much as your spouse is.

Most of our confrontation isn’t so much with our spouse as it is with ourselves. Marriage gives you a realistic and sometimes unflattering picture of who you are and forces you to pay attention.

Love - The love of your spouse has a powerful ability to affirm you and heal you of your deepest wounds and hurts in life.

The love of your spouse is such that: Their words and actions are the most powerful and weighty out of all the relationships.

Example: Angela could do this or that and it would greatly impact my day.

Genesis shows us that our relational capacity was not completely fulfilled without the horizontal relationship.

We were created for horizontal relationships

Remember, our horizontal relationships cannot give us what only God can.

My love I display for my spouse is an accurate and direct expression of my heart’s love for God.

My problem has never been I didn’t love Angela enough, it was always that I didn't love God enough.

Too many ministers have “In the name of service to God” sacrificed their families at the altar of ministry. We cannot minister without the primary healthy ministry of our families.

So let’s see these two powers played out in Marriage with a 4 step game-plan that leads to God’s desired end of Transformation.

4 Step Game-plan:

Keep short accounts

Ephesians 4:26-27 ““In your anger do not sin”: Do not let the sun go down while you are still angry, and do not give the devil a foothold.”

Not going to bed angry

Not letting sin go un-confronted.

(When you are sinned against) Give it (the sin) to God

Celebrate & Remember the grace and love of God that is presently being poured out to you.

Remember that you are overwhelmingly loved in the moment.

Remember you are in need of his grace and forgiveness as well.

Giving this sin to God does not mean that you act as if something wrong is right, it means you won’t carry it with you (bitterness) and treat your spouse in light of it (judgment).

Because you are not God and you don’t give out sentences of punishment due to their sins.

And See the glory in your spouse

2 Corinthians 4:16-18 “Therefore we do not lose heart. Though outwardly we are wasting away, yet inwardly we are being renewed day by day. For our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all. So we fix our eyes not on what is seen, but on what is unseen, since what is seen is temporary, but what is unseen is eternal.”

The goal is to see something absolutely ravishing that God is making of the beloved. You see even now flashes of glory. You want to help your spouse become the person God wants him or her to be.

We first give it to God so that we can face our spouse in a way that is kind, patient, loving, humble, and encouraging.

Confront (because now we have the right gracious attitude).

The confrontation is not for your own sake but for your spouse.

We are often motivated by what is best for me (selfish) than for my spouse.

Motivated by anger because we are wanting something from our spouse that only God can give and they aren’t giving it.

It is not okay to act as though what is not okay is okay.

We say nothing because we don’t want to deal with the confrontation - love of self.

Confrontation must have the balance of truth & love

If we don’t balance and only “LOVE” - by just affirming and avoiding telling our spouses how hurt we are made by their flaws because then growth is lost.

And truth without love destroys the relationship.

Answer: grace

We are confronting not to hurt but to heal, forgive and love. You can say, “I see your sin, but I can cover it with forgiveness because Jesus saw my sin and forgave me.”

(When you are the one confronted) Confess

Confession is the doorway to growth

You have no power over your spouse to confess to it. You can, however, create an environment of grace and encouragement that will empower confession.

We all must commit to a confessional lifestyle.

We will be lovingly honest

Driven by Christ-like love and see our own need for change.

We will be humble when we are exposed

Open to feedback and correction.

We will not excuse and self-justify

We need to own it and take responsibility.

We will be quick to admit wrong

Repent and commit to the necessary change

We will listen and examine

Change is a process not an event, we will be committed to the process by listening.

We will greet confession with encouragement.

Keep judgement and condemnation out.

We aren’t trying to hurt the other person

We will not return to the past

We will put our hope in Christ

Confession is not the end, but a means to an end - the hope of being like Jesus.

Forgiveness / Reconciliation

Colossians 3:12-14 “Therefore, as God’s chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity.”

Don’t get angry at your spouse for their weakness, your strength in this position is never to hurt or destroy but to build up.

Identify with your spouse as if it was your own weakness and become a partner with them in the healing process.

These qualities in Colossians ensure that imperfect people can experience a real loving relationship for a long time.

Why would we not forgive?

It gives us power

There is power in holding someone’s weakness against them when we want something

It gives us identity

It makes us feel superior and more righteous

We feel entitled

Because of their wrongs against me, they owe me.

They are weapons

We can use it against them when we are angry

We like being in God’s position

We like being in control and giving out punishment and guilt where we believe it is due.

Forgive as you have been forgiven

The only way we can live this life with our spouse is with the grace and love God provides.

When we sin against our spouse, may we not forget, that God is the main offended party

Psalm 51:4 “Against you, you only, have I sinned and done what is evil in your sight; so you are right in your verdict and justified when you judge.”

He bids us come to him to confess the sin. (Confession is for our sake)

Receive His forgiveness

1 John 1:8-9 “If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness.”

Forgiveness is powerful because it stimulates our love. We stop looking at each other through our worst failures and weaknesses, we quit looking at them as the enemy.

Bad patterns break

One another begins to change

We don’t panic when a wrong happens

We don’t seek retribution when sinned against

We are able to rest, because of God’s grace at work, and knowing that He will never stop working to make our marriage beautiful.