Forgiveness

Introduction

Story of Twin Brothers

Two little brothers, Harry and James, had finished supper and were playing until bedtime. Somehow, Harry hit James with a stick, and tears and bitter words followed. Charges and accusations were still being exchanged as their mother prepared them for bed.

The mother instructed, “Now James, before you go to bed you’re going to have to forgive your brother.” James was thoughtful for a few moments, and then he replied, “Well ok, I’ll forgive him tonight, but if I don’t die before I wake up, he’d better look out in the morning.”

This story kind of reminded me of my childhood.

I have two younger brothers

We were always fighting over something.

I was always right, but somehow my parents thought that I owed apologies at different times.

We were apologizing and forgiving for something.

Usually this is how it went:

It looked like a forced apology or forgiveness.

I would assume that most of us had those types of experiences....now as kids most things are trivial and you end up getting over them, but I’m pretty sure that’s not what true repentance and forgiveness looks like.

Over the years, we pick up different perceptions and ideas of what forgiveness is.

We are told and remember short quotes like “forgive and forget”

And I think that there are many people, myself included, that have a little bit of a skewed understanding of what forgiveness is....and what it looks like.

That’s what I want to talk about today…what is forgiveness.

Purpose of Sermon

I want this sermon to serve a threefold purpose

Firstly, for those living in unforgiveness.

I pray that this calls you to something higher. Because if you are a Christian, forgiveness is not just something you are called to do....it’s a part of who you are . And as impossible as it might feel, it is possible to walk in forgiveness, and there is good reason to.

Secondly, it’s for those who are living in forgiveness, but you don’t think you are due to a misunderstanding on what forgiveness is.

I pray that you can find encouragement and that you are released from the fear and condemnation that says you haven’t forgiven because you don’t always have feelings of charity.

Thirdly, for those of you who would say you legitimately don’t have any struggles with forgiveness.

It’s not you’ve never had to forgive or that you haven’t been wronged, but maybe you haven’t faced that kind of betrayal or injustice that tends to create a stronghold of unforgiveness or bitterness.

But, most likely, one day you will, and I pray that this serves as a preparation to fight against unforgiveness when it eventually does come knocking at your door.

I will admittedly say that I fall into this third category.

I’ve had wrong things done to me, and I have had to forgive, but.....

I’m not going to stand up here and pretend like I can identify with your battle and the torture and pain that forgiveness can feel like.

I’m also not going to pretend like I can tell you how it is done because I’ve been there myself....what I will do is look to the word of God, and when those times come in my life, I pray I will have the strength to walk in the counsel and wisdom of the Scripture that I’m going to share today.

Whether you are living with unforgiveness and this needs to be a challenge to you, or you are living with forgiveness and this needs to be an encouragement, or you feel like you don’t really have anything to forgive, and this needs to be a preparation......there is something for everyone.

I’m going to share 4 points of what forgiveness is and is not.

There can so easily be a misunderstanding on what forgiveness is, so I find it helpful to juxtapose the misunderstanding with truth, so we can clearly see the difference.

What Is Forgiveness

Forgiveness is not overlooking injustice, it’s trusting in God’s justice

One of the many hard parts of forgiveness is it feels like you are just letting the offender get away scot-free without any consequences, or just accepting what they did.

That’s not what forgiveness is.....forgiveness is trusting in the justice of God.

Romans 12:19-21 “19 Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengeance is mine, I will repay, says the Lord.” 20 To the contrary, “if your enemy is hungry, feed him; if he is thirsty, give him something to drink; for by so doing you will heap burning coals on his head.” 21 Do not be overcome by evil, but overcome evil with good.”

The question is not, “Do I just let this person get away with this.”

The question is “Do I trust God enough to allow him to exercise His justice in His way and in His time?”

John Wick version of justice.

Clarify: This is not to say that there is no accountability for actions.

If there is criminal activity, forgiveness doesn’t mean sweeping it under the rug or becoming silent.

To hold someone accountable legally doesn’t mean you can’t also forgive.

If there is as breach of trust in relationship, forgiveness doesn’t mean you have to give that person the same access and potential to hurt you again in the future.

Forgiveness does not dictate the future structure; it only wipes the slate clean.

If someone steals money from me, I can forgive them, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to trust them with my bank information.

Forgiveness is unconditional, trust has to be earned.

You can hold people accountable, but you leave the vengeance and wrath to God.

Forgiveness is saying I’m releasing this person to God.

I’m not going to let the hurt that this person, church, institution....inflicted on me, take the primary seat in my heart and mind.

That seat belongs to King Jesus alone....God I release this person to you....and I trust your justice.

This ties into the second point.....

Forgiveness is not Forgetting, it’s Releasing

We’ve all heard the saying, “Forgive and forget,” and we all know that is impossible.

We will never forget those painful traumatic things done against us.

Story of lady in the nursing home

We can’t forget.....but some people have been told that if you want to forgive, you need to forget.

And so they internalize their emotions, pretend things didn’t happen, pretend they aren’t still hurt by what happened, and the product of trying to suppress and forget that painful moment ends up being more harmful to you than the original act in the first place.

Forgiveness is not forgetting….forgiveness is choosing not to hold their past mistakes over them, and releasing them from your anger and bitterness.

And by releasing them, you release yourself from the prison that unforgiveness truly is.

Someone once said “To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” -Lewis B. Smedes

You may never forget, but you can release.

Forgiveness is not a Feeling, it’s an Act of the Will

Ephesians 4:32 “32 Be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

Kindness.....tenderhearted....or compassion is something that we can extend whether we feel like it or not. It’s a choice.

It’s choosing to release

it’s choosing kindness

it’s choosing to trust the justice of God

it’s choosing to love your enemy

it’s choosing to do all of that, even when our emotions aren’t in it.

Is it hard? Absolutely. But many of us are accustomed to doing things that we don’t feel like doing all the time.

Because if we simply lived by our emotions, we would be all over the place.

The reality is that our emotions often lag behind our Will, or our Faith.

Running example

When you first start running or exercising.....it is your will that carries you even when your emotions scream....I just want to eat ice cream and watch Netflix..

But something interesting happens when you stick with it over time and you create a routine.

You start to actually crave exercising....you emotions catch up.

Eating example

After eating something over time, you start to like it.

As I choose to forgive as an act of my will.....over time, maybe even years, my emotions start to change as well.

But until then, remind yourself of this.....it says, forgiving one another, as God in Christ forgave you.”

God’s forgiveness in our lives is our motivation, when our emotions aren’t.

If my God can forgive me the incredible debt that I owed, I can forgive this person.

As a son or daughter of God, this is who I am.....forgiveness is a core part of my identity.

Every emotion in your heart might feel like hate and bitterness towards another.....forgiveness doesn’t look like trying to forcefully change those emotions.....it saying God you know I don’t want to do this, but change my heart....I’m going to choose forgiveness.

Corrie Ten Boom Story

Corrie Ten Boom the famous Holocaust survivor once recounted a story where after a service where she was speaking on forgiveness, she came face to face with one of the men that was a guard at the Ravensbruck concentration camp where her and her sister Betsie had been kept.

The man not recognizing her told her he was a guard at Ravensbruck and went on to say:

“But since that time I have become a Christian. I know that God has forgiven me for the cruel things I did there, but I would like to hear it from your lips as well. Fräulein”–again the hand came out–“will you forgive me?”

And this is what Corrie Ten Boom wrote:

Here: And I stood there–I whose sins had every day to be forgiven–and could not. Betsie had died in that place–could he erase her slow terrible death simply for the asking?

It could not have been many seconds that he stood there, hand held out, but to me it seemed hours as I wrestled with the most difficult thing I had ever had to do.

I stood there with the coldness clutching my heart. But forgiveness is not an emotion–I knew that too. Forgiveness is an act of the will, and the will can function regardless of the temperature of the heart.

“Jesus, help me!” I prayed silently. “I can lift my hand. I can do that much. You supply the feeling.”

And so woodenly, mechanically, I thrust my hand into the one stretched out to me. And as I did, an incredible thing took place. The current started in my shoulder, raced down my arm, sprang into our joined hands. And then this healing warmth seemed to flood my whole being, bringing tears to my eyes.

“I forgive you, brother!” I cried. “With all my heart!”

For a long moment we grasped each other’s hands, the former guard and the former prisoner. I had never known God’s love so intensely as I did then.

I wish I could say that merciful and charitable thoughts just naturally flowed from me from then on. But they didn’t.

If there’s one thing I’ve learned at 80 years of age, it’s that I can’t store up good feelings and behavior–but only draw them fresh from God each day.

Forgiveness is making a choice, even when the emotion isn’t there.

But not only is it a choice....it is a daily choice.

Which leads to the last point....

Forgiveness is not a one-time event, its an ongoing commitment.

This is the part of forgiveness that I think we often misunderstand.

Someone put it this way....“True forgiveness is not an action after the fact, it is an attitude with which you enter each moment.” –David Ridge

Matthew 18:21-22 “21 Then Peter came up and said to him, “Lord, how often will my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? As many as seven times?” 22 Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you seven times, but seventy-seven times (or other translations say 70x7).”

One Comentator said that first century Rabbis taught that one ought to forgive 3 times. This number was based on the first chapter of the OT book Amos.

So Peter thinks he’s being generous by saying seven times, and more than doubling what even the Rabbis taught.

And Jesus takes it to another level, and basically says your forgiveness is not to have a limit.

It’s saying even if someone sins against you in a continuous fashion, you are to forgive them.

But I think that there is something deeper to what Jesus is saying as well.

What Jesus is calling us to forgive is not the act of sin against us, but also, the many consequences of that sin.

Don’t miss this

Sin is not just an individual act that is commited in a vacuum and is singular in nature. Sin is much more like a web or network.

One sin committed can have consequences for generations, and can affect multiples of people.

Sin is not like a single stab wound.....it’s like grenade that shoots shrapnel everywhere.

And it’s one thing to forgive an action that occured in the past, and another thing to forgive the consequences of that action that you still face on a daily basis.

But we are called to forgive both

Examples

When you are abused by someone who you should have been able to trust.

It’s one thing to forgive the sin against you

It’s another thing to choose forgiveness:

every time you experience the trust issues it has caused in your life

every time you have that trauma induced anxiety take over you

every time you struggle to see your self-worth

When you are betrayed by your spouse, friend, family member, business partner

It’s one thing to forgive the act of betrayal

It’s another thing to choose forgiveness:

every time you feel the pains of that betrayal

every time the anger wants to rise up when you hear their name or see their face

every time you are reminded of what could have been, but was taken from you.

Jesus said to forgive 7x70 or 490 times....many times what that looks like for us is forgiving that person for that 1 time they hurt us deeply, and then 489 other times I feel the consequence of that pain.

I think some people truly are living in forgiveness, but every time they feel that consequence of sin against them, and the anger wants to rise, they get discouraged thinking they truly haven’t forgiven the other person.

The tension you are feeling is that you may have forgiven the act in the past, but you have choose forgiveness for the consequence of today.

Forgiveness is not a one-time event, its an ongoing commitment.

And on some days, we may fail to extend that forgiveness, and other days, we choose to walk in forgiveness.

Proverbs 24:16 “16 for the righteous falls seven times and rises again, but the wicked stumble in times of calamity.”

If you miss the mark one day, get up in the strength and grace of God, and choose forgiveness the next day.

R.T. Kendall says, “Total forgiveness is a life sentence...you have to keep doing it.

Summary

Forgiveness is not overlooking injustice, it’s trusting in God’s justice

Forgiveness is not Forgetting, it’s Releasing

Forgiveness is not a Feeling, it’s an Act of the Will

Forgiveness is not a one-time event, its an ongoing commitment.

This is what it means to forgive. And as Corrie Ten Boom said, sometimes its the hardest thing we will ever have to do in our lives. But we do it because:

God forgave us, and we are commanded to forgive others

Forgiveness is not a hindrance to our healing process, but a part of it.

It is a testimony to the grace of God working in us.

We do it, because as children of God, forgiveness is part of who we are.

Application

What might it look like to walk in forgiveness on a daily basis.

If forgiveness is an act of the will, what might some of those acts look like.....let me quickly give you three.

Stop talking about it (about the other person and what they did to you)

Going back to what I said earlier, this does not mean you sweep it under the rug.

Criminal things need to be reported, there does need to be accountability.

And there are times where things need to come to light with the right people for the sake of healing.

What this is saying is, stop talking about it every chance you get.

Stop bringing it up with the intention of painting that other person in a bad light as a form of revenge.

Stop speaking in anger and resentment about the other person.

Stop reliving what happened with other people.

Forgiveness isn’t always about what you do, it’s about what you choose not to do.

Shield the other person from condemnation

Romans 8:1 “1 There is therefore now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”

When God forgave us, he freed us from condemnation and shame

Can you imagine God says “I forgive you,” and then constantly treats us and speaks to us in ways that condemn and shame us?

He doesn’t do that.....He covers us.....and we should do the same.

It means, not weaponizing the guilt they may feel in an effort to get things out of them, with comments like:

Are you really going to let me down again?

After everything I’ve been through you can’t do this for me?

Why can’t you be more like that person?

Cover them in the way that God has covered you.

Pray for them

Nothing will soften your heart towards the other person so much as praying for them.

In the moments when your anger wants to rise up, pray that God gives you the grace to once again choose forgiveness, and then pray for the person.

Not the David in the Psalms prayer where he says, “Break the teeth of my enemies.”

Prayers

If they are unrepentant pray for God’s conviction, and that He would draw that person to Himself.

Pray for God’s blessing over them.

Pray that the enemy doesn’t use shame and guilt to keep that person stuck for the rest of their life.

Just pray for them.

I’m telling you, that although I have not experienced this personally, there is something immediately evident in the man or woman that has been hurt deeply, and yet chooses to forgive.

There is a love, anointing, and spiritual authority that that person commands.

We are most like beasts when we kill. We are most like men when we judge. We are most like God when we forgive. William Arthur Ward

Closing

In closing, we can’t talk about horizontal forgiveness, without talking about vertical forgiveness.

Living in forgiveness falls so far short if we aren’t living forgiven....but the good news is we can.

John 3:16 “16 “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only Son, that whoever believes in him should not perish but have eternal life.”

Romans 5:8 “8 but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Ephesians 1:7 “7 In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of our trespasses, according to the riches of his grace,”

Romans 4:7-8 “7 “Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven, and whose sins are covered; 8 blessed is the man against whom the Lord will not count his sin.””

More important than any sin we will ever forgive, is the forgiveness Christ extends towards us.

But this forgiveness is not automatically applied to us......it is actualized through faith in Him.

Ephesians 2:8-9 “8 For by grace you have been saved through faith. And this is not your own doing; it is the gift of God, 9 not a result of works, so that no one may boast.”

Salvation

Jesus called this being born again.

We’ve all had our first birth (physical), but we need a new birth (spiritual)

Being born again is ABC

Admit

Admitting is recognizing you need a savior

I can’t earn my way to heaven.

Believe

He did for you what you couldn’t do for yourself.

Confess

Jesus is Lord of my life.

This is where we get the power to forgive others

Salvation Prayer: Dear Lord Jesus I believe you're the son of God. I believe that on the cross you took my sin, my shame, and my guilt, and you died for it. You faced hell for me so I wouldn't have to go. You rose from the dead to give me a place in heaven, a purpose on earth, and a relationship with your father. Today Lord Jesus I turn from my sin to be born again. God is my father, Jesus is my savior, the Holy Spirit is my helper, and heaven is my home. In Jesus’ name, Amen.

Sources:

Will we go to hell if we don’t forgive? - https://markbroadbent.org/2017/04/03/does-the-bible-teach-that-god-will-send-us-to-hell-if-we-dont-forgive-others/

You don’t have to forgive the unrepentant - https://www.gotquestions.org/withholding-forgiveness.html