Friendship Matters

How many friends do you have?

That question took on a whole new meaning starting in 2004 when Facebook launched.

I was a senior in college when it came to WKU (yes kids, at one time you had to have a college email address in order to sign up for FB).

Before then, we really had no way of really knowing how many friends we actually had, since, of course, all the friends we have on FB are all really our true friends…right?

It goes without saying that though there are a few good friends on your list, it really is a stretch to call a “friends list”.

Surely friendship is more than seeing someone’s life (at least what they share of it) pop up on our news feed.

Surely it is more than an occasional like, hug emoji, or comment on a a post.

“Friendship is the greatest of worldly goods. Certainly to me it is the chief happiness of life.” — CS Lewis

Lewis, who was a part of a close friendship with another wellknown author, JRR Tolkien, saw genuine friendships as almost as sweet as heaven.

But if we are honest, how many of us have experienced real, spiritual friendship?

Statistics show friendships in America are as rare as Chick Fil A without a line.

58% of Americans say that no one knows them well.

52% of Americans report feeling lonely.

73% of millennials say they are lonely and 80% of under 18 genZers

47% report their relationships with others are not meaningful.

25% of American would say they don’t have a single friend.

What was an epidemic prior to Covid has become something much worse as many, I believe, have forgot how to be friends with others, especially our young ones.

So what does this have to do with being people after God’s own heart?

EVERYTHING!

One of the most important and shaping aspects of David’s life was a friendship with an unexpected person, Jonathan the son of Saul.

For God to have this relationship recorded in such a prominent and pivotal way points to the importance God places on friendship.

He created us for community and connection, for love and care for others.

So it is not a stretch at all to say: To be a person after God’s heart means to be a good friend and have good friends.

Our goal today is to look at the friendship David and Jonathan had and to learn the characteristics that shaped their friendships.

In order that we might pursue and pray for those things to begin to define our friendships.

And also, so we can see more clearly the friend we have in Jesus.

Characteristics of True Friendship

1 Samuel 18:1–5 CSB

1 When David had finished speaking with Saul, Jonathan was bound to David in close friendship, and loved him as much as he loved himself. 2 Saul kept David with him from that day on and did not let him return to his father’s house. 3 Jonathan made a covenant with David because he loved him as much as himself. 4 Then Jonathan removed the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his military tunic, his sword, his bow, and his belt. 5 David marched out with the army and was successful in everything Saul sent him to do. Saul put him in command of the fighting men, which pleased all the people and Saul’s servants as well.

After David defeats Goliath, Saul has David brought to him.

Can you image David walking into the Kings hall or tent and standing there with the Goliath’s huge head just hanging there.

What a scene huh?

Saul put David in charge of a troop of soldiers and we find out that he is quite successful at leading and fighting.

And this success begins to earn David some recognition, even fame among the people of Israel.

And Saul becomes jealous of David, angry at how the people begin to look at David and speak about him.

But in stark contrast to Saul, Jonathan, Saul’s son, loves David “as his own soul.”

And here is our first characteristic:

1) SINCERE AFFECTION

It is hard to translate exactly what it means that Jonathan loved David “as his own soul,” but it seems fitting to translate it “loved him to the depths of his soul” or “loved him like he loved himself.”

Regardless, there was a deep and profound affection shared between David and Jonathan.

What has lead to much of the modern struggle with this passage is our current culture’s explanation of their relationship.

David and Jonathan’s relationship has been used by progressive Christian groups as proof that God is okay with same-sex relationships.

What this points to is a hijacking by our modern culture of deep, loving friendships.

We have come to a place in our world where “love” can only be quantified by sexual expression.

David and Jonathan couldn’t have just had a deep friendship and a mutual, brotherly affection for one another.

No, it only makes sense if they were romantically involved.

If you don’t think this is true, then let me ask you men in the room

If one of your buddies started ending phone calls with “I love you bro”. How would that make you feel?

I heard a parent in our church tell about their son talking about a boy he liked hanging out with at school, and he felt compelled to clarify that he only liked him as a friend. (he is 8-9 years old).

David and Jonathan loved one another deeply, but at no point in there even the slightest indication of a romantic or sexual relationship.

One of the biggest hurdles we have to overcome in pursuit of true, God-honoring friendships, is the ability to have and express genuine affection for one another without the worry of it being misconstrued.

Jonathan loved David deeply.

2) COSTLY COMMITMENT

1 Samuel 18:4 CSB

4 Then Jonathan removed the robe he was wearing and gave it to David, along with his military tunic, his sword, his bow, and his belt.

The way Jonathan expresses his love for David is by recognizing the anointing of God on David’s life.

We don’t get an explicit recognition from Jonathan that he has submitted to David as king, but him giving over his robe, tunic, sword, bow, and belt is quite clear culturally.

He gave David all the things that were reserved for him as the heir to the kingdom.

By giving David these things and covenanting with David, Jonathan is saying “You are the rightful heir and I will not dispute it.”

This is profound, even in our modern world.

Jonathan, in a worldly sense, had the right not only to claim his right as king, but to defend it.

He could have, justifiably, had David killed or imprisoned if he felt threatened as the rightful heir, but he didn’t.

It is important to note as well, that Jonathan was like as much as 30 years older than David, further highlighting how unthinkable Jonathan’s actions are here.

A young shepherd boy from small town Bethlehem going to be king in his place.

And then we see Saul, who has seen how strong and brave David is, and sees what he can gain from using him on battle.

Everything is great until David starts to become more popular than Saul.

David’s fame is threatening to Saul and he becomes intensely jealous.

We see in Saul an exaggerated expression of how we treat many of the relationship in our lives.

We often base our relationships off of what benefit we can gain out of being friends with a person or group of people.

When we sense those relationship aren’t benefiting us, or the timing or setting doesn’t benefit us being friendly, then we will write off that “friendship”.

Don’t get me wrong, some relationship will be transactional by nature, but if you are honest, do you invest in the relationships with the people you would call friends because you get something out of it?

Are you willing to sacrifice your time, treasure, and vulnerability in order to invest in friendships?

It is one of the most disheartening parts of ministry to hear from people “I struggle to find connections with people at the church. I feel lonely and left out.” Only to find out you aren’t in a small group, you don’t serve on a ministry team, and you only talk to a few people before you dash out the door on Sunday mornings.

It is costly to be a friend, but it is an investment that reaps tremendous reward.

3) LOVING HONESTY

1 Samuel 19:1–3 CSB

1 Saul ordered his son Jonathan and all his servants to kill David. But Saul’s son Jonathan liked David very much, 2 so he told him, “My father, Saul, intends to kill you. Be on your guard in the morning and hide in a secret place and stay there. 3 I’ll go out and stand beside my father in the field where you are and talk to him about you. When I see what he says, I’ll tell you.”

Jonathan comes to David with bad news, Saul wants to kill him and is going to hunt him down.

That is not a message you want to hear or one you want to give.

In Ephesians 4, Paul is speaking to the church in Ephesus about how to be untied as the people of God.

In Ephesians 4:15, has commands them to speak the truth in love.

Ephesians 4:15 CSB

15 But speaking the truth in love, let us grow in every way into him who is the head—Christ.

This is a governing principle of friendship.

Speaking what is true is hard, because we are afraid of offending or angering someone.

It is much easier to speak loving things.

But what Paul is saying is speaking the truth is love and the way we are to speak truth is lovingly.

Do you have anyone in your life who speaks truth to you in love?

How loves you enough to call you out in sin, encourage you in trials, and speak wisdom to you when you are searching or confused.

Could you handle it if someone did do that? Or would you get mad, upset or hurt?

Accountability, correction, guidance, and teaching are all the ways God intends to shape us to walk faithfully as His followers.

4) INCONVENIENT CARE

1 Samuel 20:1–4 CSB

1 David fled from Naioth in Ramah and came to Jonathan and asked, “What have I done? What did I do wrong? How have I sinned against your father so that he wants to take my life?” 2 Jonathan said to him, “No, you won’t die. Listen, my father doesn’t do anything, great or small, without telling me. So why would he hide this matter from me? This can’t be true.” 3 But David said, “Your father certainly knows that I have found favor with you. He has said, ‘Jonathan must not know of this, or else he will be grieved.’ ” David also swore, “As surely as the Lord lives and as you yourself live, there is but a step between me and death.” 4 Jonathan said to David, “Whatever you say, I will do for you.”

The last verse is so profound.

Understand how hard it would be for Jonathan to receive this message.

“Saul, your dad, who you have already convinced one other time to not kill me. He is after me again and is going to kill me.”

Saul had promised Jonathan that he would never lay a hand on David.

He knows his Dad’s entire schedule and killing David isn’t on it.

But none the less he has “Whatever you say, I will do for you.”

5) SACRIFICIAL PROTECTION

1 Samuel 20:30–34 CSB

30 Then Saul became angry with Jonathan and shouted, “You son of a perverse and rebellious woman! Don’t I know that you are siding with Jesse’s son to your own shame and to the disgrace of your mother? 31 Every day Jesse’s son lives on earth you and your kingship are not secure. Now send for him and bring him to me—he must die!” 32 Jonathan answered his father back, “Why is he to be killed? What has he done?” 33 Then Saul threw his spear at Jonathan to kill him, so he knew that his father was determined to kill David. 34 He got up from the table fiercely angry and did not eat any food that second day of the New Moon, for he was grieved because of his father’s shameful behavior toward David.

a willingness to lay down his life for his friend

romans 5

do you have a friend who will protect you.

are you a friend who will protect your friends.

6) SPIRITUALLY STRENGTHENING

1 Samuel 23:15–18 CSB

15 David was in the Wilderness of Ziph in Horesh when he saw that Saul had come out to take his life. 16 Then Saul’s son Jonathan came to David in Horesh and encouraged him in his faith in God, 17 saying, “Don’t be afraid, for my father Saul will never lay a hand on you. You yourself will be king over Israel, and I’ll be your second-in-command. Even my father Saul knows it is true.” 18 Then the two of them made a covenant in the Lord’s presence. Afterward, David remained in Horesh, while Jonathan went home.

David is now deep in hiding, Saul hot on his tail.

Saul has gone almost completely mad, to the point that even David’s father and brothers and other family members go into hiding as well.

At the end of chapter 22, Saul confronts Ahimelech, who had helped David out earlier, and, because of his allegiance to David, has him and 85 priests killed.

Then he has the entire city of Nob destroyed, women, men and even children, murder out of his blind rage.

We can assume, David is scared to death.

So in the wilderness of Ziph in Horesh, his friend Jonathan comes to him, a risky thing do to when your father has turned completely mad.

And it says “he encouraged David in his faith in God.”

Do you have a friend like that?

One that would come to you in a season of suffering or confusion, to offer you hope, to pray over you, and just to love you through the storm?

Do you have some one willing to step in when you are weak, tempted, or struggling to walk in faith, who brings a word of encouragement, loving rebuke, and takes your arm to help you back on the path?

David was stronger and better because of Jonathan.

You can see his influence show up in the way David leads the kingdom later on.

You can see it in his care of others, in his readiness to repent, in his humble devotion to God.

Jonathan strengthened David’s faith in the Lord.

I know what this is like.

One of my worst tendencies in the midst of a hard season is to retreat. And it has been in those season when they pursue me most diligently.

They know me and they know what I need in those moments.

And I am better for it.

What a Friend we have in Jesus

yes Jesus is our king, but he is at the same time our friend

John 15:15 CSB

I do not call you servants anymore, because a servant doesn’t know what his master is doing. I have called you friends, because I have made known to you everything I have heard from my Father.

Christ wants us to view the cross as a love-filled sacrifice for friends.

jonathan and David’s friendship pictures how we can be friends with Jesus.

Jesus chose us as friends, he died for us as friends, he caused us to trust him as our friend, and he will remain our friend for the endless ages to come. What a friend we have — moment by moment, now and forever — in Jesus.

What a Friend we have in Jesus, all our sins and griefs to bear! What a privilege to carry everything to God in prayer! O what peace we often forfeit, O what needless pain we bear, All because we do not carry everything to God in prayer.