Grace Based Parenting

This is Us.

As marriage exposes us so does parenting.

Parenting gets to the heart of our motivations in how we act and think in our interactions with our children.

What is Parenting all about?

Deuteronomy 6:4-9 “Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.”

Deuteronomy 6:20-23 “In the future, when your son asks you, “What is the meaning of the stipulations, decrees and laws the Lord our God has commanded you?” tell him: “We were slaves of Pharaoh in Egypt, but the Lord brought us out of Egypt with a mighty hand. Before our eyes the Lord sent signs and wonders—great and terrible—on Egypt and Pharaoh and his whole household. But he brought us out from there to bring us in and give us the land he promised on oath to our ancestors.”

What does God want?

Key takeaways from this passage:

Creating God-awareness in your children & teaching God-submission.

We could say the main reason God has placed His children in your lives is so they will know Him

Not just that He exists but who He is.

This is by our conversations, how we act, our values.

Children will learn from us what putting God first in our lives looks like. What walking in faith looks like. What responding with grace looks like.

Rooting God’s ways / commands in the story of redemption - the Grace of God. We must connect everything not to the Law but to God’s grace and redemption.

Connecting the way we live and obey to the love God has showered us with.

This assignment (Knowing God and rooting everything to redemption) is given to the parents, not the state, not the school, not the church - the parents are assigned this God-given task.

Offensive: everyday thousands and thousands of children are handed over everyday to people they don’t know because success in work and career has become more important than the assigned task of parenting children to know God and His redemption.

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I won’t be going into the little details of parenting tips but want to rather give a big picture - gospel centered view of parenting. This will get deep with all of us.

Today’s message is split into two connecting themes

Owner vs ambassador

Identity

Owner vs. Ambassador

Question: Are you an owner or a steward or rather - an ambassador of your children (applicable to everything, finances, time, schedule, your body)?

2 Corinthians 5:20 “We are therefore Christ’s ambassadors, as though God were making his appeal through us. We implore you on Christ’s behalf: Be reconciled to God.”

We do not own our children, but rather as ambassadors, we are tools of grace in the hands of God to raise His kids His way. I am a representative of the grace of God to my children and in extension to my relationships.

When we have an “ownership mentality” over our kids, we may not say this outwardly but think: “These children belong to me so I can parent them the way I see fit”

Ownership mentality is shaped by what I want for my children and what I want from my children rather than what God wants for them.

When we have this mentality we end up doing things in parenting that are short-sighted, not helpful to them in the long-run, we will be more reactive than goal-oriented, and live outside God’s great, big, wise plan.

We must remember: children are God’s possession given to us for His purposes: Psalm 127:3 “Children are a heritage from the Lord, offspring a reward from him.”

We must see ourselves and have the mentality as ambassadors to be his tools of grace in the lives of these children who have been made in His image.

As parents we are called to do one thing - God’s will. Not reactionary to how we were raised.

Which means: parenting is not first about what we want for our children or what we want from them but about what God in grace has planned to do through us in our children.

Identity

The truth is: I am more like my children than unlike them.

In every moment I am parenting my kids, our heavenly father is parenting me.

I am in need of grace just as much as my kids are, I am in need of confessing wrong just as much as my kids are. I am in need of Jesus’ rescuing love just as much as my kids are.

God doesn’t call us to be parents because we are able! We are not independent beings, he designed us to be dependent on Him, His grace. Don’t beat yourself up because you feel inadequate, you are!

Why would God call inadequate people? because he is not working on our immediate success but rather that we would come to know him, love him, rest in his grace, and to live for his glory.

He calls us to do the impossible (not make our life a living comfort where everything is easy and predictable) so that in our search for help we would find him. Those make the best parents.

You being inadequate is not in the way of God’s plan but part of it. He wants us willing and he will change us and work good things through us into the hearts of our children.

Parents: There is nothing more important to consistent, faithful, patient, loving, and effective parenting than to understand what God has given you in the grace of his Son, the Lord Jesus Christ.

What makes the best parents? Having the right identity

A parent that does not rest in their identity in Christ will seek their identity from their children.

Regarding identity: We as humans live and act from our identity. We interpret the world around us by our identity. Everything we say and do is directly connected to who we think we are and who we think God is.

In other words we don’t make decisions and act according to facts but rather our interpretation of those facts that comes from our identity. This is what shapes our moment by moment life and especially our interaction with our children.

So at the ground level of our being we are answering the questions of “Who Am I?” “What is my purpose and meaning of my life?” The way we answer these will determine the way we interact with our children.

There are really only 2 places we can look for identity and the answer to those questions. Vertically or horizontally.

We can look to God, getting our identity, purpose, love, acceptance, his forgiving grace, his presence, his power, his promises and blessings that he showers on us.

When we do this we approach parenting with the right mindset - hearts that are full and not needy, not needing something from our children that they can’t give. I’ll be empowered with patience, wisdom, and grace. I will be able to be intentional instead of emotionally reactive.

Because God loves you, he will never forsake you in your parenting struggle

Because God loves you, he is big dreams for you.

Because God loves you, he not only forgives but gives you grace to do better

Because God loves you, he works every moment of every day to change you into his glorious image.

Because God loves you, he showers us with purpose and meaning and joy

Because God loves you, he gives you promises, power, and especially his presence.

Because God loves you, you can have courage and comfort to approach your parenting day

If you aren’t resting in your vertical identity, you will look horizontally to people or creation and be dependent on their smiles or the abundance of possessions and achievements, or spouse and children to give you identity.

These things have no ability to give us the identity we need, they were never designed to fulfill us. We enjoy them yes, but they are ultimately sign posts pointing to the Creator whom we worship.

The point is this, if you are not getting your identity from God, there is a very good chance you are seeking it from your children.

Seeking identity from your children:

This is a constant battle - it is easy to seek identity from our kids.

They are a terrible place to seek identity (they are little sinners, cute, but still quite selfish)

You will crush them under the burden of the responsibility of being the identity of their parents. Rather we use them to get something from them.

God does not give you children to provide you with self-worth.

They cannot give you life, they cannot give you eternal hope, they cannot be the source of your meaning and purpose, they cannot give you strength, they can’t define your value, they can’t provide you with the peace the passes all understanding, and when we try to get that from them it is unfair to them and they will crumble under the weight of being your personal messiah.

How do we know?

Too much focus on their success

Of course we want our children to try hard and succeed.

But that is very different from being overly focused and on the success of our children, driving them to more and more achievements. Perhaps it’s academic achievement, sports, social, popularity etc.

Could it be that you want your children to succeed so much because you need them to succeed.

Are you more concerned about their grades and awards than their hearts?

In your drive to make sure they are successful, are they breaking under the weight of your expectations.

When they fail, are they crushed under your disappointment of a failure rather than receiving the needed grace and rescuing love that God has placed you there to give.

Could it be that this is unhealthy because you are seeking satisfaction from your children that they cannot give you.

Too much concern for your reputation

God didn’t give you your children to improve your reputation but to proclaim his

Forgetting about who God is and who we are will lead us to caring way too much about what other people think about us and what we are doing. - This is called the fear of man.

This causes us to present our children as perfect, denying any struggle, and therefore never seeking help and grace that you need to parent effectively.

We treat our children as trophies that we parade around seeking the approval and applause of others.

The result is the needy child who needs the grace and help of the parent that God has assigned as an instrument of grace to fight sin with them to be ignored. Because you can’t admit that your children aren’t perfect.

Could it be that you need your children to be perfect not for their sake or God’s but for your own reputation’s sake?

Too controlling

If you need your children to be successful in order to build your reputation you will then need to be controlling over every environment, situation, and people in their life to make sure that your identity remains intact.

This is not to be confused with exercising proper parental wise authority but an overbearing need to control everything in the child’s life so that you continue getting what you think you need from them.

In this environment, the child never has opportunity to make mistakes, to learn about their own neediness, to learn the values of self-control, depending on the love of God, learning how to evaluate choices, how to have healthy relationships with others and the power of making good things bad things when they rule our hearts.

Could it be that your fears of your child not succeeding or your fear of failure has unfairly stopped the growth and maturity that God wants to do in their life. Are you full of anxiety because you are trying to control what you cannot control.

We must learn to rest in the wise and loving hands of our all-powerful God who cares more for his children than any of us. Even in the perfect environment of Eden, there was failure.

Caring more about doing rather than being

Let’s think for a moment about what is of utmost value to the one we represent to our children.

God did the unimaginable when the Son came, took on flesh, was crucified, buried, resurrected, rescuing us from sin and death. Rescuing us from ourselves - not to make us successful but to unite us with the Father.

What we and our children need first and most is not success, is not perfection, it is redemption, it is the forgiveness of our sins and relationship with the Father. Not the glory of our achievements but the living for His glory

Could it be our focus on success, reputation, and controlling everything has led us to care more about the behaviors than their hearts?

Could we be so pleased with their external success yet ignore the one thing God truly cares about - their heart.

When I rest in my identity in Christ, I will care more about connecting with my children’s hearts than trying to simply modify their behavior. I will work to connect everything in life to redemption - the God’s sacrificial love, forgiveness, grace and transformation to live lives pleasing to Him and living for His glory.

Taking everything personal

When we care too much about their success, too much about our reputation, trying to control everything, and caring more about behaviors than their heart, we will tend to make everything about us. We will personalize what is not personal.

It’s no longer what violates God, but rather what violates me and my comfort.

When our children make a mess of the house, interrupt our schedule with something and we respond with something like “I would never do this” or “After all I do for you, this is the thanks I get!” We make the sin and selfishness that is in them personal. And rather than being a tool of God’s grace and an opportunity that God has made available for ministry, which is why we are there. We make it about ourselves. We get angry and impatient because we made it about us. As if they woke up thinking I am going to make my parents angry.

We must take those moments offense and turn them into moments of ministry. In moments where we are tempted to be angry are moments God wants us to meet with grace.

Praise God, that even on our worst parenting days, God says keep going, my grace is enough. In all our temptation to seek from our children what only God can give, He is there freely giving and showering us with his love and grace, and commitment to changing us and our kids.

Because we place our identity in Christ, we will walk in freedom from needing our children to be something and do something for us. We are free to be there for them, fight with them, not against them, and continually point them to the one who rescues us.

We will succeed in teaching them who our Father God is.