The Loving Headship of Husbands, Part 2(Eph. 5:25–33)

Series: Ephesians: Building the ChurchText: Ephesians 5:25–33

By: Shaun Marksbury Date: July 16, 2023

Venue: Living Water Baptist ChurchOccasion: PM Service

Introduction

We’re picking up where we left off last week. We were discussing the role of the husband in marriage, a part of the household codes (5:22–6:9). This is one of the longer passages in the book, one we didn’t want to rush through. If you missed the first message, it’s available online, but we will review it this evening as we continue with this passage.

Before we do, remember that, while studying the wife’s role in marriage in vv. 22–24, we saw the reality of male headship in those verses. However, nowhere do these verses use the words, “Husbands, rule your wives.” Such a command would be unnecessary in the Roman culture to which Paul writes — men would already presume their leadership roles, with or without biblical warrant.

Instead, this section calls men to love, an important message for men of any culture to hear. Why? Because both men’s leadership and love in marriage has been corrupted by the fall. Even though our culture emphasizes the need for love in marriage, it defines love through these fallen parameters. We need the corrective of Scripture.

God is love, so only His gospel can provide us with a clear image of what love should look like. So, in Christ, we see precisely what kind of love men should share with their wives. We divided the lessons in this passage into two parts: Husbands must love as Christ does (vv. 25–30) and wed as Christ does (vv. 31–32); verse 33 summing everything we’ve studied concerning marriage. We almost completed the first point, but not quite, so let’s review that before moving forward.

Husbands must love as Christ does (vv. 25–30)

We noted last week that we can’t understand the love husbands should show their wives if we don’t understand the gospel. Moreover, we noted that husbands trust in the gospel to demonstrate proper love, for it can only result from the Holy Spirit. The consequence of being Spirit-filled in v. 21 comes through husbands when they love their wives “just as Christ” (v. 25).

So, for husbands to live a Spirit-filled life, they should strive to reflect a God-honoring marriage by properly loving their wives. As such, we have here an extended illustration of Christ’s love for the church. So, we will see that husbands should seek to show the sacrificing, sanitizing, and sympathizing love of Christ.

First, husbands should seek to show the sacrificing love of Christ (v. 25)

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her,

We noted this as the first aspect of the Lord’s love, and we said it can be difficult to mimic. Christ is sinlessly committed to us, showing His love in that He gave Himself for the church. Indeed, Christ even sacrificed Himself for men who continually disobey Him by failing to love their wives! From this, we gather that proper love is sacrificial, giving even to the less-than-deserving party; should we as husbands not set aside our own selfishness and practice some selflessness?

We also noted that:

Second, husbands should seek to show the sanitizing love of Christ (vv. 26–27)

so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless.

Based on the “that” statements in these verses, we noted three points. First, Christ sanctifies the church. We said this means He set it apart, consecrating it unto Himself for His own purpose. This was at an absolute point in the past (as the verb here indicates), concurrent with His declaring the church righteous. To liken this to the image of marriage, we said husbands select their wives and set them apart when they marry them.

Second, Christ also cleanses the church. We’re sinners, covered in our filthy rags and in need of a bath, but the Lord provides this for His precious church. Christians have been cleansed, and we can be sure though our “sins are as scarlet, they will be as white as snow” (Isa. 1:18). Similarly, husbands must extend forgiveness and grace to their wives, and they must avoid introducing anything into the marriage that would stain the marriage.

Finally, we noted that Christ also clothes the church. Christ wants to present Himself one day with a pure bride. He will one day glorify us, removing impurities and clothing the church in God’s glory. Of course, remember that this represents our moral state, as the contrast of “spot or wrinkle or any such thing” is “holy and blameless.” Only Christ could grant us such glory.

Christ knows what the church needs and lavishes her with it. Husbands can do this in a material sense, providing for wives as much as possible. As the Lord says, “But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever” (1 Tim. 5:8). That brings us to the next point — we said that husbands should seek to show the sacrificing, sanitizing, and sympathizing love of Christ, and we now come to where we left off last week.

Third, husbands should seek to show the sympathizing love of Christ (vv. 28–30)

So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body.

Mental issues aside, people usually take care of themselves. Now, a man who is married will still care for his own body (his health and well-being), and he should now add to that thinking of what his wife needs. Of course, this overlaps with what we’ve already said, taking care of the material needs of the wife, but this goes well beyond that.

The husband should go to school on his spouse, striving for a doctorate in “wife-ology.” He needs to seek and understanding of her inside and out, meaning her mental and spiritual makeup as well as the physical. Just as he would want her to respond to his emotions and needs, he should seek to become sympathetic to hers. In fact, not only is he to care for her like he cares for himself, but he should put her first (cf. Phil. 2:1–4).

This isn’t speaking of mere placation (ex: making mama happy so we can all be happy). Rather, this is substantive care. He’s not simply supplying her with what she always wants, for that is not always beneficial. Indeed, as the husband, the man must seek to understand the most loving action for his wife. So, for instance, he may not grant her the freedom to skip church during a busy season, but because he sympathizes, he may seek to alleviate pressure in her schedule so that it’s not a temptation.

Whatever he does, he is to live with her “in an understanding way,” showing her “honor as a fellow heir of the grace of life” (1 Pet. 3:7). He strives to do so because he loves her and wants the marriage to continue, to the glory of God.

That brings us to the next big point. We have been considering how husbands are to love as Christ does. Now, we consider:

Husbands must wed as Christ does (vv. 31–32)

For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church.

Of course, this is also another way in which husbands love their wives. Still, it’s important that men see that the Lord intends for marriage to remain permanent. In this way, it reflects the unity that Christ has with the church.

Paul quotes from Genesis 2:4 here to show the original design of marriage. Before the fall, before the entrance of sin, God reveals the perfect design for marriage. There is a leaving and a cleaving as the two becomes one. That’s a reference to the sexual union, of course, but that’s a bigger picture of the spiritual union which should take place.

Paul makes this connection as an apostle of Jesus Christ. Let’s turn back to Mark 10. There, the Pharisees, plaguing Jesus’s steps, ask Him about divorce to test Him (Mark 10:2). Their question was a point of debate by two rabbinical schools. Rabbi Hillel said that divorce is always permittable — whether the wife burned dinner, spoke ill of her mother-in-law, or even if the husband “found another fairer than she.” (Because of the sinfulness of man, this was by far the more popular view, as you might imagine.) Rabbi Shammai’s school, on the other hand, taught that divorce was only permittable in cases of adultery.

The Pharisees may not have only thought of their contemporary debate. They knew that Herod Antipas, ruler of this area, left his wife, stole and married his brother’s wife, and killed John the Baptist for pointing it out (Mark 6:16–29), and it may be that he would condemn Jesus, as well. Whatever their exact thought process, the Pharisees frame their question so as to demand a simple yes/no response. Jesus might risk offending His followers or worse, Herod himself.

Yet, Jesus cuts through the fog with a simple question in v. 3 — “What did Moses command you?” In other words, does God through Moses ever command someone to get a divorce? In v. 5, He again refers to the written commandment, so He intends to highlight an actual command.

The Pharisees answer with Deuteronomy 24:1–4, a familiar text for the debate and the only one applicable to Jesus’s question. It may seem that they answer honestly; Moses permitted divorce (v. 4). Yet, Matthew records them as going on to state that Moses commanded divorce to take place (Matt. 19:7). They focused on Moses speaking of the husband finding some “indecency” in the wife, contrived all manner of divorceable scenarios, and then imagined that Moses’s permission was a command.

If God doesn’t command divorce, then how are we to understand this? Jesus does is move the discussion from a debatable word to the greater context of God’s teaching — we understand the less clear in Scripture by that which is clearer. For instance, if God clearly says, “I hate divorce” (Mal. 2:16), then Deuteronomy 24:1–4 cannot mean that God permits divorce for just any reason that strikes the husband’s fancy.

In fact, Jesus calls us to note how sin corrupts relationships, for Moses wrote this because of the “hardness” of the human heart. The scenario of divorce only exists because sin exists. Since we live in a Genesis 3 world, the Lord calls us back to the original created order for marriage. He does that by quoting the same Genesis 2:24 passage we see here (vv. 8–9).

The two spouses should be inseparable in everyone’s eyes, including their own. We see this most clearly in vv. 11–12, where Jesus explains, “Whoever divorces his wife and marries another woman commits adultery against her; and if she herself divorces her husband and marries another man, she is committing adultery.” Legal divorce and remarriage does not negate the sacredness of the first marriage, and this fits naturally with the Deuteronomy 24 passage the Pharisees misunderstood. If we were to just read the Mark 10 passage, then, we must conclude that the Lord intends for marriage to be inviolable.

But are there not ANY exceptions? Indeed, in verses like Matthew 5:32, 19:9, and 1 Corinthians 7:12–16, we read of two exceptions—infidelity and abandonment. These categories (and we could have to look pastorally case-by-case to discern which situations fall into these categories) would exhaust the indecency Moses highlighted. In other words, for the hardness of heart, Scripture permits divorce, but we do well not to widen its permissiveness or confuse this mercy for a command.

If the marriage is in trouble, then the lesson is for the husband (or the wife, if need be) to strive to save the current marriage — ‘till death do you part (cf. Rom. 7:1–3). Regardless of how close to the line of divorce the couple exists, since they are married, then they should remain as they are (1 Cor. 7:26–27). Marriages have survived adultery and worse, but only if both spouses are committed to saving the marriage. If that’s the case, and the couple draws a line in the sand against divorce, then it will be committed to counseling and other steps necessary for strengthening and improving the marriage.

Why does the Lord care so much about lifetime monogamy? Because it mirrors the concept of eternal security. Better deemed the perseverance of the saints (or, even better, the preservation of the saints), this is the logical extension of everything Scripture teaches about salvation. Consider Spurgeon’s Catechism; question 35 asks, “What are the benefits which in this life do either accompany or flow from justification, adoption, and sanctification?” The answer follows; “The benefits which in this life do accompany or flow from justification, (Romans 5:1,2,5) are assurance of God’s love, peace of conscience, joy in the Holy Spirit, (Romans 14:17) increase of grace, perseverance in it to the end. (Proverbs 4:18; 1 John 5:13; 1 Peter 1:5).” Just as marriage is for life, salvation is for eternal life.

We need to see this as a package deal. I might describe justification as God looking at me “just-if-I had never sinned,” but also as “just-if-I had lived righteously.” When I was adopted by God, by the laws in which Scripture was written, I could never be unadopted. Moreover, if sanctification is God setting me apart for His purpose, then I am at the mercy of His will, like any consecrated tool. Is it such a leap to imagine that, if Christ marries His bride, He’ll never divorce her?

Scripture not only promises that those who call upon the name of the Lord will be saved, but that He will guard that salvation. If any threaten my salvation — including myself because of my sinful foolishness — I can be assured that it is “protected by the power of God through faith for a salvation ready to be revealed in the last time” (1 Pet. 1:5). You can be confident that “that He who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus” (Phil. 1:6). If our salvation relies on our ability to keep it, then it is a salvation based on our works (contra Eph. 2:8–9), and it is a salvation we’ll invariably lose.

With that said, we need to look at our marriages in the same manner. Husbands must consider marriages to wives as inviolable, unbreakable, unchallengeable, sacrosanct, and sacred. In case that’s not clear, husbands remove the option for divorce from the table. They do everything they can to save the marriage if it’s on the rocks, and they do everything they can to keep it from ever getting there again. These efforts are borne from love for the spouse and a desire to do all things to the glory of God (cf. 1 Cor. 10:31).

Let’s use v. 33 to help us tie these thoughts together on marriage.

Conclusion

Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband.

This verse ties together all the thoughts of vv. 22–33. At the beginning of this sermon, we noted that men didn’t need to be told in a Roman culture to lead their wives. They needed to hear this command to love, for this would have been nearly foreign to their thinking. Perhaps if writing to our feminized culture, Paul would make the implicit command explicit, but we must be quick to note that the husband must operate according to loving headship, not despotic leadership.

However, the truth is that, if the husband is leading the way through love, then the wife needs to hear again the command to be subject to her husband (vv. 22–24). She should have no cause to distrust him. Our culture needs this message because the vast majority of divorces today are initiated by wives, not husbands. So, wives must recognize the love that their husbands give and not pursue the idol of emotion. This may take her out of her comfort zone, but she must develop a respect for him.

Of course, this means that the husband must strive to avoid tempting his wife’s disrespect with unrespectful behavior, and it means that she must put any such temptation to death within her. If both parties in a marriage are that commited to making the marriage work and doing it God’s way, they will not follow the world’s example. They will, in fact, become a model of Christ and the church.