Good Grief

Introduction

The topic suggested for me to speak on today is grief and loss. I was going to begin by stating that I feel ill-equipped to speak about grief. While my wife and I have experienced the pain of four miscarriages, and I have felt the sting of losing my mother suddenly, I believe the Lord has guarded me from experiencing grief to the depths that others have.

We live in a day and age where experience has become both the test of truth and the credentials for authority.

“If you aren’t a minority, then you have no authority to speak about race relations.”

While it is true that experience in a particular area can bring a depth and color to the discussion of a subject that others may not be able to bring, it is not the case that someone must have experience in a particular area in order to speak truthfully about an issue.

ILLUST - I don’t need to be burned to tell my children the truth about the dangers of fire. However, being burned, i can relate to those who have been burned in a unique way, and add some color and depth to the issue.

I am not going to point to myself as an authority but to Scripture.

I am not a psychologist, so I won’t be offering a psychology of grief. As a theologian, I will be offering a theology FOR grief. More specifically, as a pastor-theologian, I will also offer some pastoral-theological truths to carry us through grief.

We need a good theology

We need Jesus

We need each other

1 Thessalonians 4:13–18 (ESV)

13 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.

‘but’ = δὲ = ‘now’ same as verse 9 - NLT= “And now”, some translations leave out all together. Best understood as now. It is not a contrast, but a start of a new thought.

Paul does not want the Thessalonians to be uninformed (ignorant) about fellow believers - family - friends - who have died.

Theology should inform our experiences.

Or, Theology should inform our experiences.

Paul wasn’t content to leave the Thessalonians ignorant in their grief. Nor was he content to leave them to process their grief in any other method than through the lens of a biblical theology.

He wanted to make sure that their experiences were informed by their theology and not vice versa

ILLUST - I don’t feel like God cares

I don’t feel like God loves me

If God really loves me, then why did he allow _______?

There is a theological understanding of grief and a pastoral care for grief. You need both. Theological understanding always grounds the pastoral care.

ILLUST - like exercise and medicine. One is preventative and the other is reactive. The former also helps the latter work.

“Don’t forget in the darkness what you learned in the light.”

— Joseph Bayly?

I believe the weakness of faith many experience in the face of difficulty is due to a theological anemia present in churches and Christians.

I can and should offer pastoral care, but greater still when I point you to Jesus!

What theology should inform our grief?

God is sovereign

Ephesians 1:11 (ESV)

11 In him we have obtained an inheritance, having been predestined according to the purpose of him who works all things according to the counsel of his will,

Job 42:2 (ESV)

2 “I know that you can do all things, and that no purpose of yours can be thwarted.

God is good.

Psalm 25:8 (ESV)

8 Good and upright is the Lord; therefore he instructs sinners in the way.

Romans 8:28 (ESV)

28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.

From these two truths flow so many other theological truths:

Our times are in God’s hands (Ps 31:15)

For Paul, the theological truth that he wants the Thessalonians to know is found in vvs 14-17:

God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep. 15 For this we declare to you by a word from the Lord, that we who are alive, who are left until the coming of the Lord, will not precede those who have fallen asleep. 16 For the Lord himself will descend from heaven with a cry of command, with the voice of an archangel, and with the sound of the trumpet of God. And the dead in Christ will rise first. 17 Then we who are alive, who are left, will be caught up together with them in the clouds to meet the Lord in the air, and so we will always be with the Lord.

What informs your experiences? Where do you turn to process your emotions and feelings?

Are you good with God being sovereign?

Do you really trust him as good?

HART Test. . .

Christians should grieve differently.

13 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, . . . , that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.

The purpose of the theological truths are so they / we might grieve differently.

Paul did not want the Thessalonians to process their grief “as others do”

Leviticus 19:28 (ESV)

28 You shall not make any cuts on your body for the dead or tattoo yourselves: I am the Lord.

Deuteronomy 14:1 (ESV)

1 “You are the sons of the Lord your God. You shall not cut yourselves or make any baldness on your foreheads for the dead.

Paul did not say that Christians should not grieve

He didn’t say, “God is sovereign, God is good, the resurrection is real, so STOP YOUR GRIEVING!”

He is saying, “God is sovereign, God is good, the resurrection is real, so you can grieve, BUT NOT HOPELESSLY!”

Perhaps the most popular model of grief was introduced by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying in which she describes grief as “five stages”:

1. Denial and Isolation

When we lose someone or something important to us, it is natural to reject the idea that it could be true. In turn, we may isolate ourselves to avoid reminders of the truth.

2. Anger

When it is no longer possible to live in denial, it is common to become frustrated and angry. We might feel like something extremely unfair has happened to us and wonder what we did to deserve it.

3. Bargaining

In this stage, we might somehow seek to change the circumstances of the situation causing our grief. Bargaining may be an attempt to regain a sense of control as a defense against helplessness.

4. Depression

In this stage, we feel the full weight of our sadness over the loss. The grieving person may describe feeling deep sorrow, anguish, and mental pain.

5. Acceptance

Eventually, the grieving person may come to terms with their loss. Accepting a loss does not necessarily mean the person is no longer grieving. In fact, many grief experts say that grief can continue for a lifetime after a major loss, and coping with the loss only becomes easier over time.

As any counselor will note, as well as anyone who has experienced grief, these stages are not necessarily in order or equal.

It is important to note that this model is descriptive and not prescriptive. It is not the case that everyone will experience all five stages, nor will they experience grief in the same way or the same speed.

This model describes generally people’s realization that we are not in control and we need a Savior.

The description is helpful, but what we really need is a prescription - something that will help us move through the process.

This is what Paul was getting at. It is not as though Christians do not (or should not) grieve, it is the fact that believers have a way to process the grief - make sense of the pieces in light of the theology.

1. Denial and Isolation

Death is real - it stinks. It was never meant to be, but it is.

2. Anger

God is in control and he is good. This must inform my confusion.

3. Bargaining

God is in control and he is good.

4. Depression

God is in control and he is good.

5. Acceptance

Peace

The pain of grief is mitigated by the promises of God. We grieve differently.

We need a good theology of heaven

ILLUST - we recently took our kids to Sea World. They had no understanding of Sea World and thought it would be boring. After their experience / understanding- they wanted to go back. How many of us really long for heaven?

Don’t forget in the dark what you learned in the light.

ILLUST - Lilo and Stitch ride

- Caleigh was afraid not because of anything real, but because of what she perceived to be a problem. As soon as she shifted her focus onto her father, her fear vanished even though the situation stayed the same.

The reason this is important is because the more your theology becomes a reality, the more your realities become doxologies.

Paul is not saying Christians bypass the grief process. He is saying Christians have a way through it.

The gospel should make us hopeful.

Rather than Kubler-Ross’ helpful model (or in addition to it) Paul offers a “hopeful” model

The end of the grief process for a believer is not really ‘acceptance’ - an ‘it is what it is’ mentality. Instead, for the believer, the grief process concludes with HOPE - an ‘i can’t wait for what will be!’

14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.

When talking about hope, Paul goes to Jesus.

He doesn’t counter their bad theology

He doesn’t offer platitudes - He goes right to Jesus.

Jesus felt the sting of loss:

John 11:34–35 (ESV)

34 And he said, “Where have you laid him?” They said to him, “Lord, come and see.” 35 Jesus wept.

Isaiah 53:3 (ESV)

He was despised and rejected by men,

a man of sorrows and acquainted with grief;

and as one from whom men hide their faces

he was despised, and we esteemed him not.

Hebrews 4:15–16 (ESV)

For we do not have a high priest who is unable to sympathize with our weaknesses, but one who in every respect has been tempted as we are, yet without sin. Let us then with confidence draw near to the throne of grace, that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.

Romans 8:34 (ESV)

Who is to condemn? Christ Jesus is the one who died—more than that, who was raised—who is at the right hand of God, who indeed is interceding for us.

The hope of the gospel is that death is not the end.

Paul points to a fact of history to offer the hope which will carry through grief.

Paul understood this - The more real the resurrection is in our life, the less sting death holds

1 Corinthians 15:54–58 (ESV)

54 When the perishable puts on the imperishable, and the mortal puts on immortality, then shall come to pass the saying that is written: “Death is swallowed up in victory.” 55 “O death, where is your victory? O death, where is your sting?” 56 The sting of death is sin, and the power of sin is the law. 57 But thanks be to God, who gives us the victory through our Lord Jesus Christ. 58 Therefore, my beloved brothers, be steadfast, immovable, always abounding in the work of the Lord, knowing that in the Lord your labor is not in vain.

Romans 15:13 (ESV)

13 May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing, so that by the power of the Holy Spirit you may abound in hope.

We should grieve together

18 Therefore encourage one another with these words.

Therefore - In light of what is true before, do this

Together

Paul didn’t tell them to simply write it down

Romans 12:15 (ESV)

15 Rejoice with those who rejoice, weep with those who weep.

Presence is more important than platitudes.

Encourage one another. . .

παρακαλεῖτε

hints of Holy Spirit

comfort

What is most comforting to those grieving?

The Theological Dictionary of the New Testament (4. Comforting by Men and as God’s Act.)

Here as elsewhere181 consolation is by men, but it is real comfort only because God is finally and essentially the Comforter

. . . With these words

We don’t need to rely on platitudes or empty cliches

“Everything happens for a reason”

“God needed another angel”

Knowing these theological truths help not only you but those you are comforting.

My wife calls it “truthing”

Remember, it is to be in a way that is comforting.

We need a good theology (what really is)

We need Jesus

We need each other

Pastoral Care:

So, how do we do it?

ILLUST - Be Real. (with friends)

photo must be taken within two minutes

both selfie and what is in front of you

then shared with your community and they can comment.

you and others can see the real you in that moment as well as what is in front of you