Stepping Through Grief

(Edie Sutton Celebration of Life Service, July 22, 2023)

Five Stages of Grief

Perhaps the most popular model of grief was introduced by Swiss-American psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross in her 1969 book On Death and Dying in which she describes grief as “five stages”:

1. Denial and Isolation

When we lose someone or something important to us, it is natural to reject the idea that it could be true. In turn, we may isolate ourselves to avoid reminders of the truth.

2. Anger

When it is no longer possible to live in denial, it is common to become frustrated and angry. We might feel like something extremely unfair has happened to us and wonder what we did to deserve it.

3. Bargaining

In this stage, we might somehow seek to change the circumstances of the situation causing our grief.

4. Depression

In this stage, we feel the full weight of our sadness over the loss.

5. Acceptance

Eventually, the grieving person may come to terms with their loss. Accepting a loss does not necessarily mean the person is no longer grieving.

As any counselor will note, as well as anyone who has experienced grief, these stages are not necessarily in order or equal. It is not the case that everyone will experience all five stages, nor will they experience grief in the same way or the same speed.

It is important to note that this model is descriptive and not prescriptive.

Mss. Kubler-Ross’ model is only helpful inasmuch as it describes the common experience of those who find themselves in grief, helping us know that what we are experiencing is normal.

Counselors and therapists have written many more pages in an attempt to create methods and processes (many of which are helpful) for people to move from stage to another in hopes they can make it to the final stage of acceptance.

We see throughout Scripture that mourning and the grieving process are both natural and healthy. However, we also see that because of the gospel, the grieving process ends not in simple acceptance (an “it is what it is and I have to be ok with it”) but with a deep peace.

Three Steps Through Grief

While one of these fives stages may describe where you find yourself today, I’d like to offer three prescriptive steps to walk through grief that we find in Paul’s letter to the Thessalonians.

From Acts 17 we learn that Paul came to the city of Thessalonica preaching about Jesus. Some believed Paul and became followers of Jesus. However, some Jews (described as jealous) gathered a mob to attack Paul.

Paul was quickly ushered out of the city and to safety.

Those who had heard Paul’s words and believed formed a church in Thessalonica.

However, Paul had not been able to spend enough time with the Thessalonians to explain all that Jesus and His resurrection now meant for them as they followed and trusted Jesus.

Because of this, some in the church began to have mixed ideas about what happens when people die. This left people hurt, fearful, and confused.

Perhaps that describes a bit how you feel today.

To this Paul writes,

1 Thessalonians 4:13 (ESV)

13 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, . . .

Paul did not want the Thessalonians to be uninformed (ignorant) about the reality of death and what happens to their loved ones who have died and what will happen when they die.

He wanted them to. . .

1. Recognize the reality of death

It’s hard on a day like today not to recognize this reality, however, we may be tempted to fall into the first stage of grief of denial.

The reality is death is real. The reality is death stinks. The reality is death can bring confusion, pain, fear, change in relationships. The reality is we all face death.

This is why Paul is writing to the Thessalonians. Because we all must face death, we all must deal with death, and he wants to make sure they deal with death (their own or their loved ones’) recognizing the reality of what really is.

ILLUST - Roz and death melts us into the “energy of the sky.” How do you know? I made it up. Sounds great!

Paul doesn’t want the Thessalonians (or you or I) to adopt Roz’s made up beliefs or to accept none at all. He expects that though believers will grieve, they will do so differently, as he says

Recognize the reality of death AND ETERNAL LIFE!

1 Thessalonians 4:13 (ESV)

13 But we do not want you to be uninformed, brothers, about those who are asleep, that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope.

Paul doesn’t want the us to adopt some theory or to be agnostic about what happens when we or a loved one dies, he wants us to . . .

2. See the hope of the gospel

1 Thessalonians 4:14 (ESV)

14 For since we believe that Jesus died and rose again, even so, through Jesus, God will bring with him those who have fallen asleep.

This is why Christians grieve differently. It is not “grief toward acceptance;” it is “grief with hope.”

What is the hope? Eternal life. That death is not the end. For those who have trusted in what Jesus has said and what Jesus has done, that they will live again.

The hope for us is that we will see Edie again as “God will bring her with him.”

This isn’t a wish based on whim or a myth. It isn’t a desire based on an ancient coping mechanism for grief.

It is a HOPE based on the fact that a man Jesus died and rose again - proving himself to be God.

This is the hope of the gospel, and this is the gospel that Edie understood.

One would be hard-pressed to call Edie “uninformed” about anything, and it would be impossible to call her so when it comes to her understanding, faith, and hope in Jesus.

In life and death, Edie understood and lived the gospel in such a way that we can have confidence that she is alive with Christ right now.

The promise of seeing her again is a promise that is given to those who have this same hope. Edie, like Paul, would not want you to be uniformed about this reality.

She would want you to know that as you face this reality of death, you can also have the hope of the gospel if you recognize that heaven is not automatic for anyone. It is not guaranteed to churchgoers or the religious, it is not offered to those to tip the scales of morality.

The hope of eternal life, peace in the face of death, true and abundant life on earth is guaranteed when you first recognize that living your life according to your own rules and desires is actually living in rebellion and places you against the God who created you and loves you. This is evidenced through our sin - acting out our desires and not God’s desires.

This sin separates you from God. But God, because he loves you so much, sent Jesus to deal with the consequences of your sin and defeat both sin and death.

However, like any gift, it is not applied to you until you receive it.

When you have the reality of this hope in your life, you can

3. Comfort each other

1 Thessalonians 4:18 (ESV)

18 Therefore encourage one another with these words.

Paul writes “therefore” (as a result of the reality of death and the hope of the gospel) encourage one another with these words.

The word used for “encourage” is a form of the word used to describe the Holy Spirit as the Comforter.

We can use the truth of God’s Word (“these words”) as a way to comfort Phil and the family and each other.

We don’t do it uninformed, or with empty platitudes, or made up hypotheses, but with real, solid, hopeful truth.

An example to bring it together:

Conclusion - BeReal

ILLUST - BeReal. (with friends)

photo must be taken within two minutes

both selfie and what is in front of you

then shared with your community and they can comment.

you and others can see the real you in that moment as well as what is in front of you

*As you take your “BeReal” snapshot right now, what do you see?

Your reflection - have you honestly dealt with death?

What do you see in front of you? Do you see the hope of the gospel?

Will you share with someone? Ask for help to know the gospel or comfort someone with the gospel hope.