Children and Parents (Eph. 6:1–4)

Series: Ephesians: Building the ChurchText: Ephesians 6:1–4

By: Shaun Marksbury Date: July 23, 2023

Venue: Living Water Baptist ChurchOccasion: PM Service

Introduction

Are there enough parenting manuals out there? It seems like in every generation, the world has its books which are supposed to define good parenting. Yet, it seems that no one can agree as to which ones are good and which ones should be avoided. Should we hover or should we give our children room to grow? One fact seems certain, and it comes from Ecclesiastes 12:12 — “But beyond this, my son, be warned: the writing of many books is endless, and excessive devotion to books is wearying to the body.”

Scripture is God’s word to us, and as our sympathetic Creator, He has the perfect perspective on household. Before we go any further, let’s remember that this is still related to the commands of 5:18 — “And do not get drunk with wine, for that is dissipation, but be filled with the Spirit.” Remember that the five participles (the -ing words) that follow flow from that verse; to be filled with the Holy Spirit means that we’ll be “speaking to one another in psalms and hymns and spiritual songs,” “singing and making melody” in our hearts “to the Lord,” “always giving thanks for all things,” and (as the ESV translates it) “submitting” to each other” (vv. 19–21).

The submitting of v. 21 is essential to understanding the household codes which follow. Wives submit when they’re subject to their own husbands (v. 22), and husbands when they commit to loving their wives “just as Christ” (v. 25). In a couple of weeks, Lord willing, we’ll discuss that slaves are commanded to be in subjection to their own masters (6:5), and masters to their slaves (v. 9). We see the same subjection today of both children (v. 1) and parents (v. 4), which shows us an important fact.

For our households to run correctly, we must allow them to be filled with the Holy Spirit. As such, we are seeing the Holy Spirit working through the parent/child relationship, and we shouldn’t be surprised to see the same mutual submission in the text. So, we will divide our study accordingly — the Spirit tells children to be subject to their parents in Him (vv. 1–3), and He tells parents to raise their children in Him (v. 4).

First, the Spirit tells children to be subject to their parents in Him (vv. 1–3).

Just as we said with husbands exercising headship in their families, the Roman world didn’t need to be told to have their children in submission. Yet, the basis of this command is not the cultural norms of the day, but the Word of God. He calls children to obey, and let’s see what He says.

First, the Lord addresses children of that day (v. 1).

Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.

Now, the word children here simply means “offspring;” it doesn’t give reference to sex or age. In other words, this verse can refer to small children in the home, but it can also refer to older children, even those who are ready to leave the home. For now, we’ll just consider those children remaining in the home.

It’s interesting that Paul assumes children would be in attendance at the gathered assembly during the reading of this letter. He doesn’t say, “Be sure to tell the children this once they get out of children’s church.” He does this because the children would be there, as our children are here with us, learning and worshipping together. They may not understand everything they hear, but their parents for more information later. Indeed, we will say more on this in a few minutes.

The command children need to hear is this: obey. It’s a simple word in the Greek — hupakouō — which literally means “to hear under.” So, if you hear a command, you place yourself in alignment underneath it. Believers hear the Word of God and place themselves under it, and children hear the voice of their parents and willingly submit — “in all things” according to Colossians 3:20.

Yes, the child must obey both parents; in v. 2, it’s “father and mother.” Another similar verse says, “My son, observe the commandment of your father and do not forsake the teaching of your mother” (Prov. 6:20). So, a child who asks dad for permission may not go to mom for a different answer — or vice versa. A child also may not see the mother’s opinion as somehow inferior — you’re called to accept both parents.

God calls children to obedience, and their disobedience can bring much sorrow in a household. As MacArthur notes, “Just as an obedient child brings happiness and tranquility to a family, a disobedient child brings the opposite. He brings “grief to his mother” (Prov. 10:1), unhappiness and destruction to his father (17:21; 19:13), and disgrace to them both (19:26). He uses them shamelessly to his own selfish ends (28:24).” Parents who allow their children to be willful and disobedient create problems for themselves.

Now, children don’t obey just to make parents happy (that would be people-pleasing). Instead, you should think about the fact that God places all the authorities in your life, including your parents, so your obedience to them is obedience to God. As such, consider your submission to them as one of the ways you worship God during the week.

Colossians 3:20 says, “this is well-pleasing to the Lord,” and the text says here that “this is right.” This is the way of the righteous as defined by God, and we should walk in them (Hos. 14:9). As such, when we’re talking about what is right, we must refer us back to God’s Word, which is exactly what we see next.

Second, the Lord addresses children always through His Word (vv. 2–3).

HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), SO THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH YOU, AND THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH.

Remember that anytime the NASB uses the small-caps feature like in these verses, the translators are telling us that these verses quote the Old Testament. In this case, the text references the fifth of the Ten Commandments (Exod. 20:12; Deut. 5:16).

Note that the apostle finds ground for his command in the Law. This is the same Paul who wrote that we are no longer under Law, but under grace. As such, he clearly didn’t mean that the law has no more impact upon us. It can no longer condemn (Col. 2:13–14), but the general equity of the law still comes through.

What does it mean to honor our parents? If we read this in parallel with v. 1, then it means to obey them. Even as we get older, we must continue to appreciate and esteem them. As such, this refers to our disposition of heart toward our parents — one of respect. That’s why children sometimes get in trouble for tone of voice or for looks; children must be obedient and respectful.

So important was this commandment that the Law continues in the next chapter, “He who strikes his father or his mother shall surely be put to death. … He who curses his father or his mother shall surely be put to death” (Exod. 21:15, 17)! Children who grow into unruly teenagers and young adults are a danger to society around them, and that danger can be seen in the home. I’ve met younger people in jail ministry who have harmed their parents, and those people are dangerous to others, as well. That’s why the Lord gave such commands in the Old Testament. Even though we’re in the New Testament era, that doesn’t mean we should tolerate such behavior, and we would do well to get law enforcement involved if need be.

We’re training our children to become adults. As they mature and move out, God told sons to leave their father and mothers home and cling to their wives (Gen. 2:24). Even so, there is still a lingering honoring to parents, as Proverb 23:22 says, “Listen to your father who begot you, and do not despise your mother when she is old.” There is a balance between a man or woman living life outside the home, making adult decisions, and maintaining honor for parents.

That honor is seen in how they live their lives. If they seek to honor God and their parents, then they will do justice, love kindness, and walk humbly with the Lord (Micah 6:8). They will avoid the way of the wicked (Psa. 1:1; Prov. 4:14), for they know it is hard (Prv. 13:15). Instead, they will follow the godly counsel they’ve received in life from their parents (cf. Psa. 1:1–2). Would not such be a recipe for a longer life in general?

On the flipside, dishonorable children will have harder lives. The detention center is filled with those continually showing disregard for any authority. Their anger and self-will are so great that they pick fights and pursue other dangerous activities. If they survive tomorrow, their lives will still be shorter; their hard-living ages them beyond their years.

Of course, the promise in these verses applied especially to the Jews remaining in the land. The privileged sons of the high priest Eli, Hophni and Phinehas, disregarded their father in wanton sin and died (1 Sam. 4:11). Among other reasons, the Jew’s later disregard for their parents led to the Babylonian captivity (Ezek. 22:7, 15). Just as the Lord sovereignly removed them from the land, He will at times remove New Testament believers from earth for their behavior (cf. 1 Cor. 11:30).

Sometimes, unruly children are not the fault of loving parents. Of course, sometimes they are. For children to properly understand the ways of the Lord, parents must be involved, bringing us to the next point. Just as we saw reciprocal commands for the marriage relationship, we see reciprocity from the parents here, as well. The Holy Spirit tells children to be subject to their parents in Him, and…

Second, the Spirit tells parents to raise their children in Him (v. 4).

Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Parents do not submit to children in the same way that children do to parents. Yet, parents do need to set aside the televisions and the cell phones and make time for their children. They must develop an understanding of what each one of their children needs.

We see two parts to this verse to help us along. The first is a negative command to avoid provoking children. The second is a positive command about how the rearing process is to occur. Both elements describe how parents are to see their roles as commanded by God. Let’s consider the first.

First, parents must not tempt their children to sin (v. 4a).

A different term than used in v. 1, singling out fathers. Paul says something similar in Col 3:21, “Fathers, do not exasperate your children, so that they will not lose heart.” A husband is the head of the family, so it makes sense that he is ultimately responsible for the parenting (cf. Gen. 18:19; Deut. 11:19; Psa. 78:4; Prov. 22:6).

This goes back to the principle of the Shema (Deut. 6:4) — fathers are to teach their children these principles (v. 7). Children should see this as part of the lives of their fathers (v. 8), integral even in the construction of the home (v. 8). While it’s not sinful to utilize the tools of the church and state to assist in the rearing of children, fathers should take responsibility for all the teaching their children receive (not abdicating his role to either). Sadly, with much of the modern church becoming age-segregated and program-driven, and with many in the state pushing for longer periods of public education, fathers can too easily fall prey to the temptation to grant others the exclusivity of the task.

What might cause such frustration in the child? Several scenarios come to mind. A parent may have standards that are too high or unbending; the child becoming discouraged when unable to live up to parental expectations. Or, the parent may be too permissive with the child, even neglectful, leading the child to attention-seeking behavior and feeling unloved. Or, the parent may be overbearing in discipline, lacking in all mercy or grace, causing the child to become fearful and resentful. Or, the parent may play favorites, prompting bitterness in the unfavored child.

We can see examples of this in the families of the patriarchs. For example, Isaac sinned in partiality when he favored Esau, even seeking to give him the promise that God intended for Jacob. Jacob repeated this with his children, first Joseph and then Benjamin. Much of the family drama that ensued could have been prevented by fatherly adherence to this command.

Men need to be addressed primarily in this due to their leadership and their sometimes-innate sternness. Even so, we can safely apply this to mothers, as well. In Hebrews 11:23, this word applies to both of Moses’ parents. In the context here, Paul has been addressing both parents. So, we cannot interpret this as meaning fathers shouldn’t provoke children to wrath, but mothers may!

If children of the OT could be sentenced to death for abusive, hostile behavior toward parents, then it would be murderous for parents to incite such riot from their offspring. We as parents would never seek to turn our children against us, but we must accept that such provocations result in such an outcome. In other words, our rough or repressing rule tempts our children to sin against our Lord. Instead, we must properly raise them, bringing us to the final subpoint.

Second, parents must disciple their children in Christ (v. 4b).

We read that fathers are supposed to instead “bring them up.” This is the same word used in 5:29 to describe how a man takes care of his own flesh. It means to nourish or, in context of childrearing, it means… well, rearing. Again, this responsibility falls primarily to the father, though the mother is an integral and indispensable helper in the process.

This rearing is to occur specifically “in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” While the conjunction (“and”) links the ideas of discipline and instruction, there is some nuance to their meaning. First, discipline is a must in the home. This doesn’t just mean behavioral correction; it is instruction or education (in 2 Tim. 3:16, it applies this to adults, as well). When we talk about discipling, we are talking about discipline.

Of course, it also refers to correcting behavior. It’s also applied to adults and translated “discipline” in Hebrews 12:9–11 — and no discipline seems pleasant at the time! So, yes, fathers and mothers must learn the art of corporal punishment; as Proverbs 13:24 says, “He who withholds his rod hates his son, but he who loves him disciplines him diligently.” As one commentary notes, “If left to themselves, children will be rebels, so it is necessary for the parents to train their children. Years ago, the then Duke of Windsor said, ‘Everything in the American home is controlled by switches—except the children!’ ”

We must teach our child discipline, even through corporal means. We must also raise them in instruction or admonition. This term is used of the OT in 1 Cor 10:11, which says, “Now these things happened to them as an example, and they were written for our instruction, upon whom the ends of the ages have come.” This means more than learning moral lessons, however.

This is the noun form of the verb we find in a verse we’ve taught on a couple of times, Col 1:28 — “ We proclaim Him, admonishing every man and teaching every man with all wisdom, so that we may present every man complete in Christ.” The noun literally means “putting in mind” and is the term from which we get “nouthetic counseling.” This is a process that parents should engage in with their children (captured well in the book, Shepherding a Child’s Heart by Paul Tripp).

Thus, we are not to merely teach children social norms and acceptable behavior, but we are to instruct them on how to reason biblically through their thoughts, emotions, and choices. Indeed, the words here are νουθεσίᾳ κυρίου, meaning “Christian instruction.” If they are not Christians, we’re bringing the Word to bear on their sin. If they are Christians, we’re discipling them.

Indeed, consider v. 1 again — “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.” How do children know how to obey “in the Lord”? How can they determine what is right and wrong? Parents must open the Scripture to them, bringing “them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

Conclusion

This message wouldn’t be countercultural to children in Paul’s day, but it would be to fathers. Many fathers ignored their children unless they became a burden, in which case they disposed of them in one fashion or another. This passage required a completely different parent-child dynamic than was present in Roman society.

Interestingly, both sides of this equation are controversial today. Conflicting parental theories in our society have one rejection in common — forcing religion on the child. Moreover, most children’s and youth programing today paint adults in an unfavorable light, calling on the children to believe they must rise up, rebel, and effect some kind of change.

Scripture almost seems archaic, but its message comes to us from the unchanging Creator of all. If we want to have families filled with the Holy Spirit, we must first have the Holy Spirit. This means that, as you’ve listened today and realized where you fail in obedience, you understand that there is forgiveness available in Jesus Christ. If you believe in the good news of Jesus Christ, seeking Him for salvation, then you can know that the Holy Spirit has granted you new life in Him.

Second, we must see this as instruction from the Holy Spirit. Children/young people, allow the Lord control of your life by obeying the parents He’s put over you. Fathers/mothers, submit to His will by inclining yourself to them, raising them according to His will. May He be glorified in our families.