Don't Miss This Moment

Ecclesiastes 3:1 LEB

For everything there is an appointed time, a time for every matter under heaven:

Introduction

Have you ever heard the saying, Father Time is Undefeated?

I hate that quote! I hate it because it’s true. Time catches up with all of us.

One day you’re young and you’re fun, and then the next day you are yelling at your kids because they used the broom you designated for the outside of the house inside of the house.

Yes, this is the truth about time.

My Dad’s famous quote about time is that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer you get to the end, the quicker it goes.

Transition

But that’s enough with the depressing rant about time, what I really want to talk to you about today is that as parents we need to discern the ages and stages of our children’s life. Because as our verse so plainly tells us, there is an appointed time for everything - including the stages of your child’s life.

The Four Stages of Parenting

Today, we are going to get very practical in our Family Meeting Series. I want to teach to you in a way that both parents and kids who are here today are going to walk out of here with a game plan.

Can you all say Game Plan?

Here is what that means, and I say this as a flag football coach. I put together a Game Plan, but when the game starts, I make adjustments so that I put us in the best position to win the game. So parents, take today as guidance and wise counsel. You’ll need to adjust some of these things for YOUR kids. You’ll need to adjust for the season in YOUR home, and you need to be wise about it.

Mike Tyson famously said, “every one has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.”

Sorry I couldn’t come up with a more spiritual example. But you get the point.

Does that sound OK everybody?

OK, so here we go. Here are the four stages of parenting:

The Four Stages of Parenting:

The Discipline Years: 0-5 years old

The Training Years: 5-12 years old

The Coaching Years: 12-18 years old

The Friendship Years: 18+ years old

The Discipline Years: 0-5 Years

Let’s start off by talking about the discipline years.

I’m concerned by the look in some of your eyes right now… you look like you might enjoy discipline a little too much. Hang on there cowboy. Let me teach this out.

The Discipline Years is all about teaching consequences; both good and bad.

Babies are not born with the ability to discern right from wrong. This is why there is an entire market for plugs that you put over your light sockets, door latches for your kitchen cabinets, and bumpers for your coffee table. Children in this stage don’t know what they don’t know.

They don’t know that touching a hot stove will burn them.

They don’t know that drinking the disinfectant is bad for them.

This is where our role, Mom and Dad, is discipline through reinforcing positive behavior and giving out consequences for negative behavior.

Did you catch what I just said?

We reinforce both the good behavior and give consequences for bad behavior.

Some parents are all about consequences and not about rewarding the good behavior.

Let me teach you something that we teach our leaders.

What gets celebrated gets repeated.

So let me ask you Mom and Dad, when is the last time you celebrated your child’s behavior? If all they know if consequences, they only know what not to do, and not what to do.

I know this sounds basic, but it is my observation that we don’t do nearly enough of this. All we do is correct, correct, correct, and we don’t ever reward.

Well, if the kids don’t know what the bullseye is, what on earth are they going to aim at?

So we use this season of their life to explain to them that all of their actions have consequences, and we want to move them toward the good consequences.

Let me make an application here from the book of Hebrews. We believe Paul to be the writer and he writes the following:

Hebrews 12:7–11 (ESV)

… For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them… For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them… For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Now I’ve highlighted parts of this verse and omitted some parts of this verse because Paul was contrasting earthly discipline with spiritual discipline. I did this so we can make an application of this verse when it comes to how we are to discipline our children.

But listen to what he says, discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness.

Joanna and I learned that following through on consequences is one of the most important things you can do in this season. And, following through on consequences is harder on the parents than it is on the children. But if you do not follow through on your consequences you are reinforcing to your children that it doesn’t matter what we say.

Mom and Dad, if you have little ones in this season you need to get this right. Don’t think for one second that you can let them run amuck in this season and you’ll reel them in in the next season.

Some parents will say, “they don’t know any better.” And you are absolutely right.

But YOU know better. And YOU need to show them better. So that they will GROW UP better.

The Training Years: 5-12

So the training years doesn’t get much easier Mom and Dad. But, this season can be the biggest growth season for your household if you do this well.

The Training Years is when we explain the why behind the what.

Everybody say ‘explain’.

That’s important in the training years because while we train, we need to make sure that we explain.

This is also the season where we need to put to rest, “Because I said so.”

For two reasons, your children are no longer in the discipline years. What worked in the previous stage doesn’t work in the next stage.

The second reason is your children will take notice when what you do is not in alignment with what you said. And I’m not trying to out you Mom and Dad, I am included in this as well. But if we are honest, our actions are not always in alignment with our words.

What is that? That’s being human! We aren’t bad people, we’re just people. And, we will get it wrong. When that happens, we go back to a better ‘why’ than simply ‘because I said so.’

We are going to use the training years to teach in private what we expect to see in public.

If you are a parent and you expected your child to do something in public that you’ve never taught them to do in private you are setting yourself up for disappointment.

You tell your kids, “be on your best behavior,” and they have no idea what that is.

That’s like showing up to a game and handing your kids a playbook for the very first time.

They don’t know how to properly greet people.

They don’t know how to look people in the eye.

They don’t know how to behave at a dinner table.

You have not trained them in any of these things. Your kids are going to do what they always do because you’ve already inadvertently trained them that what they do at home is OK to do outside of the home.

Behavior is not just what they do, but also what you allow them to do.

So what do we do?

We are intentional with our moments at home to teach behaviors that will help our children succeed in life.

So we’re going to practice greeting people at home.

We’re going to teach table manners at home.

We’re going to leverage moments we are already having as a family together as training.

Proverbs 22:6 KJV 1900

Train up a child in the way he should go: And when he is old, he will not depart from it.

Moving Between Stages...

OK we got two more to go, but I think now is the best time to teach Mom and Dad something that is going to really help them. Kids, I’m going to both help your parents, and I am going to give you an ah-hah moment as well.

Kids move from one stage to the next without thought or effort, but parents don’t.

That is worth writing down, putting on your vision board, sending in the group chat, or whatever it is you have to do to internalize. Our kids are going to move from stage to stage without any thought. But Mom and Dad, you are the ones that have to discern the stage that they are in, and YOU have to change how you are going to parent that child now that they have moved into a new season.

Can I apply a verse? This is not a translation, but it’s an awesome application.

Luke 5:37–38 NIV

And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. Otherwise, the new wine will burst the skins; the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, new wine must be poured into new wineskins.

So Jesus said that, and while he wasn’t talking about parenting, we can apply that as our children change we have to change with them. New stages require a new approach.

Why?

Because we want to win at home!

The Coaching Years: 12-18 years

Let me start this off by saying that someone once asked me about a parent and their relationship with their daughters, and at the time I was in my mid twenties and I didn’t have kids, but I said something then that was beyond my years. I said of this parent, “This parent was great with their daughters when their daughters were young. They were amazing! But as the daughters grew older, she continued to parent them like they were young. Now, it’s fractured the relationship because they wanted to treat their teenager like they were still 8 years old.”

OK, so I said that once before and I have better language for that now that I want to give to you.

Now, the Coaching Years is also one of the most challenging years for parents because as a Coach, your place is on the sidelines, not on the field. So you can’t always run in and save your kids in this season. (I’ll qualify this statement near the end of this point.) Generally speaking, this is when Mom and Dad you need to trust your training.

Let me give you your sticky statement because it’s going to pull this all together.

In the coaching years, you connect more than you correct.

This is hard. You want to continue doing it for them. But that season has passed. You disciplined them, you trained them, and now you need to step back and trust that you did everything you can do to set your child up for success.

And are they going to get it right all of the time?

No!

And neither did you.

But what your kids need in this stage is a parent who is a confident coach.

Do you all know who John Wooden is?

He is a coaching legend. He coached UCLA Men’s Basketball to 11 National Championships, or what the kids call the Natty’s.

11.

I mean… think about some of the greatest coaches that we celebrate today.

Bill Bellichek, he’s got 6.

Nick Saban, he’s got 7.

John Wooden, 11.

And, I learned something about John Wooden recently. When he coached basketball, he did not stand up during the game. Never.

Most coaches are pacing the sideline, yelling at players, yelling at the refs, and barking out plays.

John Wooden sat there and trusted that his team had everything they needed to win the game.

And furthermore, one of his players once chirped up at him and said, “Coach we need a timeout!” And John Wooden said a timeout is for teams that haven’t prepared for the game.

Now I am talking about a coaching legend obviously, but the point that I am trying to make is that the coaching years is kind of like that.

We are on the sidelines and it’s our children who are on the field of life now.

Now let me give you the key for this season. This is the North Star in this stage.

Mom and Dad, your goal in this season is to keep your kids coming back to you for guidance and support.

Parents, if your children don’t want to come back to you that is more of a reflection of your parenting than it is a reflection of their development.

In this stage children are going through changes and it is hard. Don’t make it harder by forgetting your role in this season. Your kids need a Coach. And you want to be the kind of Coach that they want to talk to.

And if you are a parent here it is easy to say, “but they won’t do this, and they won’t do that!” But can I reframe that for you today? Perhaps you have not led them to do this, or you have not led them to do that.

Again, is this easy?

No.

Are you going to throw your hands up and say, “I can’t do this! I quit!”

No.

You’re going to lean into this season and make it work.

Let me apply another verse that I think gives us a framework for how we can lead during the coaching years.

Deuteronomy 6:6–7 ESV

And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

I love how this verse is leading us to this place of conversation between parents and children.

Parents, cultivate constant conversations with your children. What does this mean? This means that you let them do the talking. Remember, you aren’t training anymore. You are coaching. You need to do more listening, and you need to do more listening about things they want to talk about. This is how you cultivate a place where they feel like they can speak.

And how do we do this?

As I’ve shared before, take a genuine interest in what they like.

My son’s love Marvel and they really love Spiderman. On Wednesday the newest Spiderman movie released and do you know what I did? Before they even asked I bought that movie. When they got out of camp they said, “Dad, the new Spiderman movie came out today! Can we buy it?” and my response was, “Boys, I already did and you can watch it as soon as you get home.”

Do you want to know what they said? “Let’s go baby!”

I’m cultivating the conversation. I’m creating a space where we can talk about what they want to talk about. I want them to know that they can come and talk to their Dad.

I get it, it’s a movie.

But tomorrow it’s about a relationship.

Then it’s about maybe a class they are struggling in.

Eventually we’re talking about what college’s they should be looking in to.

If I want them talking to me about that, I have to talk to them about this.

I want to be a parent that they want to come and talk to.

The Friendship Years: 18+ (Conclusion)

And now we get to the friendship years… and I’m about out of time so we’re going to be brief on this one, but let me just say that this season is where you should enjoy the fruit of your years of labor.

The goal of the friendship years is that your children want to spend time with you.

Your kids are now grown, they are now adults, and you have lost or you are losing the ability to have any control over their decisions now.

Now, they get to decide if they want to see you.

Now, they get to decide if they want to be your friend.

So my advise Mom and Dad is that we parent with the end in mind. Parent with the goal that your kids are going to want to come back home and see you.

Parent with the goal in mind that when it’s a family dinner they can’t wait to be home again. They can’t wait to see their siblings again. They can’t wait to bring their kids back home to Mom and Dad’s house.

It comes sooner than you think.

Let me give you some verses that illustrate this.

Psalm 127:3–5 (ESV)

Behold, children are a heritage from the Lord,

the fruit of the womb a reward.

Like arrows in the hand of a warrior

are the children of one’s youth.

Blessed is the man

who fills his quiver with them!

When I think about this verse, it is definitely describing a family that has done it well.

In the KJV it says that children are a gift from the Lord, and I don’t think that’s talking about babies. Trust me, when your kids can’t sleep through the night, and you can’t even remember what a good night’s sleep is, you wouldn’t describe your children as a gift.

If they are a gift you’d be asking for a gift receipt.

Thats is why it is my personal commentary that the writer is describing grown children. Children who are grown, adults, making a difference. And now, they come back home because they want to be with Mom and Dad. And they’re coming back with Grandbabies!

And from what I’ve heard, that’s when it gets real fun. Ain’t that right grandparents? I heard one Pastor say, “grandchildren are the reward for not killing your children.”

But when we can get this right, we’ll enjoy the reward of friendship with our kids.

Call

Today I want to pray for families. If there was anything in here that resonated with you and now you want to pray for those things I’m going to end with a time of prayer here at the altar. I’ve asked our Pastor’s to be ready to pray with families today.

But before we do that, we want to give people the chance to respond to the Lord today.

As I have been speaking about parenting, the Holy Spirit has been talking to you about surrendering your life to Jesus.

So before we pray for families I want to make an invitation for you to receive Christ today.