rGroup Dinner (2)

Intro

A couple key reminders

rGroup sign-ups will go through September 3rd, with the season starting the week of September 4th!

Be thinking through and planning a serve project for your rGroup! There is so many places and opportunities! If you need help planning a day let me know I’d love to help you!

The best way to get people to join your rGroup is through personal invite! If you don’t know someone to invite that is totally fine! Step out of your comfort zone and go up to people, introduce yourself, and invite them to your group!

I will continue to send you an email when someone signs up for your group

If you feel like your group is getting to big, let me know and I can cut off the sign up for your group!

4 stages of small groups

Relationships

This is the basic building block to any group. All groups start at a relational level where things tend to be more focused on building friendships and helping group members get to know one another.

Trust

After relationships begin to form, trust follows. Group members may begin feeling comfortable sharing once they know that the other people in their groups are trustworthy. This step only happens after relationships have begun to form.

Vulnerability

Once relationships are built and trust is formed, group members may begin to open up and be vulnerable with one another. They may confess sin in their lives, share burdens, and open themselves up.

Sometimes people think that vulnerability is the final step of group development, however vulnerability is not the end goal. It is important that group members are sharing their sin and burdens, but we need to deal with them.

Accountability

The final step in the formation of a healthy small group is accountability. This is the final step that is earned, and it is critical. Accountability is when the burdens and sins that are shared by group members are met with action. This is a solution based step that uses follow up, God’s word, and other means to help intervene in group members lives.

This system is fragile -

This is a step by step process. You can’t pick and choose which of these elements you want in a healthy group, and you cannot skip ahead. Relationships build trust, trust produces vulnerability, and accountability is eventually earned as a solution.

What makes this system so fragile is that when new group members are added, this process can relapse or reset this process from the beginning.

Also each group member can help move the process along, or bring it back. It’s important to know each of your group member!

With the time remaining I want to talk about some different personalities you’re going to have in your groups, and how you can better handle them

Different personality types

Dominator

Always answers questions and wants the first and last word. Dominator often interrupts others, launches long monologues, and come across as needy or bossy. Dominator often tends to be right too (annoyingly!), and easily closes down conversations because of this. Dominator can be critical or dismissive of others, and as the name suggests, often ‘dominates’ the conversation by demanding attention.

Ways to help:

Use directive body language, eye contact, and names to sometimes clearly avoid them

Give gentle correction, such as “sorry matie, but I want to give someone else a chance to speak…’

In a one-to-one setting encourage their enthusiasm and try and help them take responsibility for the group. A ‘secret sign’ like a wink could be a trigger on which you agree together to allow them room to speak when the group is going quiet – giving them a leadership purpose

Get them to lead a session! (Potential next rGroup leader??)

Disappearer

The opposite of dominator – disappearer doesn’t answer questions voluntarily, and when called upon has the tendency to freeze, waiting awkwardly for you to pass them by. Disappearer often vanished into the background as if by magic. They can make a group feel uncomfortable and lead other characters to try to force them to interact.

Ways to help:

Through gentle coaching and encouragement allow them space to answer questions. Give them plenty of positive reinforcement when they do, let them know how valuable their input is – but don’t push them

Make sure there is a time to talk before each group session so they can learn and meet everyone in the group

Gladiator

Gladiator loves the arena! They want the debate, the argument, and to get it they tend to ‘take the other side’ – whether or not they actually hold that view. They are the devil’s advocate of the group. Gladiator can take you down unnecessary tangents and cause conflicts with your plan and with other members of the group. Groups often kick back at gladiator personally and hurtfully.

Ways to help:

Make space in your group for debates. One of the ways to do this is ‘role play’ where you break everyone into pairs and give each member a view to hold. This makes debates less personal

When there’s disagreement, place the focus on the issues not the people

When they add disagreement, get them to be specific and clearly articulate it

Get them to moderate a debate (rather than engage in one)

Placater

Gladiator’s opposite. Placater never wants the debate, is a master of sitting on the fence, and actively seeks to close down conflict and arguments. Placater shuts down helpful discussions and turns genuine, iron-sharpening-iron conversations into personal issues.

Ways to help:

Step in and make the conflict apersonal – i.e. make it about the views held, not the people holding them

If a disagreement arises, take the two views and take them to their extremes (eg. rather than ‘maybe there’s freewill // no there’s not’ to ‘God gives us absolute, autonomous freedom // we’re all God-programmed robots’) and get the whole group to discuss the pros and cons of each position

Enforce security and care over arguments; affirm the people and positions held

Lover

The answer is always ‘love’ in some form or another. ‘It’s because God loves us and we should love others’ is the stock response. They can come across annoyingly deep and hard to follow with less emotive sounding answers, thus lover too shuts down conversations. Lover also can be uninterested or even hostile to important and juicy topics like hell, punishment, judgement, sin, and wrath.

Ways to help:

Same answer to any ‘closing down’ question: develop the answer with how, what, when, where, or why. So how is love the answer, what kind of love, when does that apply, where was that shown, or why is love like that? etc.

Downer

In some ways opposite to lover, downer seems to ‘bring things down.’ Downer has a tendency to give a negative spin on whatever answer they offer, and seem to be by nature glass-half-full. Downer is often hurtful, critical, biting, or sarcastic towards other members of the group and they noticeably blow off activity and discussions.

Ways to help:

Encourage them to try and reframe their answer using positive language while still affirming the point they made

Use humor to deflect the issue/try to get them to see the good side of things

A one-to-one talk about why they’re approach is so critical and negative might be worthwhile

Missioner

Missioner has a ‘go out and do’ approach to every question. Missioner wants to be actively doing something rather than talking about something – so often appears disdainful of the small group idea. Missioner is often social-gospel focused and critical towards those who don’t appear to share their views.

Ways to help:

Teach on the importance of prep and reflection to effectively ‘go out and do’ also teach on calling and how God equips people differently for different ministry

Serve in the community! Get missioner to help organize and run it

Joker

Joker is there to be the class clown and often dissipates serious and deep moments of important discussions with jokes and humor. Joker always sees the funny side of everything however inappropriate and tends to be distracting when starved of attention for a while. Joker can independently see that your group never gets personal or deep about anything.

Ways to help:

When humor is not appropriate, don’t laugh and pointedly move on

In a one-to-one, talk with them about the importance of going deep and how they could use humor constructively. Encourage them in it as a gift that is great in the right place

Get them to lead an ice-breaker

Educator

Tends to see every question as an opportunity to show off knowledge, and if they can’t they manipulate questions to fit what they do know. Educator likes attention for being ‘in the know’ and can take you on enormous detours from the subject or question.

Ways to help:

Specifically call them on staying on topic while affirming their answers. Sometimes ask them when they begin to talk to think whether or not they are on topic.

Get them to prepare 5 minute intros to themes and sessions on given topics. Let them give an intro to the topic of that session

Revealer

Doesn’t understand the socially acceptable and line between enough and too much information publicly. Revealer has a habit of pushing the ‘too much info’ button and sharing deeply personal and awkward stories that are too sensitive for the public nature of the group mid study. Revealer tends to be inward focused and moves attention onto themselves.

Ways to help:

While affirming the person and giving broad sympathy to the issue shared, redirect them to a more appropriate time to talk.

Be direct but gentle

Solver

Solver is very analytical by nature and a big fan of the ‘rule of thumb.’ Solver often presents ‘easy’ and ‘obvious’ answers to complex, and broad questions and issues, and worse can give impersonal action points to another group member sharing a struggle. Solver can both override genuine experience and shut down needed conversations.

Ways to help:

Give clear empathy towards the person who’s problem they are ‘solving’ allowing them the space to struggle in a more complex way – redirecting away from the solution given and giving permission for more exploration

Have a one-to-one, talking about complexity and irrationality as important parts of the journey

Get solver to plan the study questions with you, talk about potential answers with them