Conquering Family Conflict
Notes
Transcript
Last week we began a series called Family Matters. Family is one of the greatest gifts that God has given to us. It is something that we shouldn’t take lightly. We need to love and cherish our family.
Today we want to look at family conflict. How many here likes dealing with conflict? Anyone.
None of us get up in the mornings and hope that we run into some kind of conflict that day. If anything, we all try to avoid it at all costs. The family is no different. None of us want any conflict in our family. But there will be times and some of you may be going through those times now. So, today I want to give you 10 ways to conquer family conflict.
If you have your Bibles, go with me to the book of Ephesians. We will be reading from chapter 5. For some people this is a controversial passage of scripture. I believe that is because they don’t understand it. Go all the way to the end of chapter five to verse 21.
21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.
Before I go any further, hear me, open your ears, listen intently, if you get this right, everything else will fall into place.
People often misunderstand the concept of submitting to another person. It does not mean becoming totally passive.
10 that at the name of Jesus every knee should bow, in heaven and on earth and under the earth,
And even Christ submitted His will to the Father, and we honor Christ by following His example. When we submit to God, we become more willing to obey His command to submit to others. What we are doing is subordinating our rights to theirs.
When we look at Paul’s day, women, children, and slaves were to submit to the head of the family. Slaves would submit until they were freed. The male children until they grew up. And the women and girls their whole lives. Paul emphasized the equality of all believers in Christ. He said in Galatians...
28 There is neither Jew nor Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ Jesus.
But, he counseled all believers to submit to one another by choice. When we submit to one another by choice you are preserving order and harmony. Submission provides evidence that we have Spirit-controlled relationships, and it requires the Holy Spirit’s guidance and restraint.
We are the church, and as the church, we must be willing to learn from, serve, give to, or be corrected by others in the fellowship. When we learn submission it can allow growth both as individuals and as a corporate body of believers seeking to follow Christ.
And Paul doesn’t end there with just talking about submission. But he breaks up the role of the family.
22 Wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands as you do to the Lord.
23 For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior.
24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her
26 to make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water through the word,
27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless.
28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.
29 After all, no one ever hated their own body, but they feed and care for their body, just as Christ does the church—
30 for we are members of his body.
31 “For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh.”
Submission in the church should follow from submission in the home. The home, which is the foundation for relationships and personal growth, must be an example of peaceful submission. Now, think about a marriage relationship, both the husband and the wife are called to submit. When you look at the relationships between husbands and wives you see a larger picture of church relationships.
Paul spoke first to the wives. He is explaining to them that they were to submit voluntarily to their husbands as they would to the Lord. This does not mean that the husband is “Lord” over the wife. When we look at the concept of submission, we must look at the standpoint that exists between Christ and the church. I believe all of us would agree that Christ loves the church. And the church submits to Christ.
Do Not Base Your Submission Point of View on Either a Feminist or Chauvinist View!!
Do Not Base Your Submission Point of View on Either a Feminist or Chauvinist View!!
A Christian marriage involves mutual submission, subordinating our personal desires for the good of the loved one and submitting ourselves to Christ as Lord.
The wife’s submission to her husband is one way that she can demonstrate her submission to Christ. She does this voluntarily out of love for her husband and for Christ.
Then Paul addresses the husband. He tells us that a husband is the head of his wife as Christ is the head of his body, the church. In other words, the husband is the spiritual head of the family, and his wife should acknowledge his leadership.
Men, don’t give your wives a reason to not acknowledge your leadership. Be a leader by bringing your family to church. Be a leader by worshipping. Be a leader by praying over the family. Be a leader by loving your wife and kids. Don’t give your family a reason to not acknowledge your leadership.
Paul also tells the husbands to love their wives. And He adds something extra, “As Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her.” Men, are you willing to lay down your life for your family? Are you willing to lay down your selfish dreams for your families dreams.
Marriage is a holy union, a living symbol, a precious relationship that needs tender, self-sacrificing care. How should a man love his wife? He should be willing to sacrifice everything for her. He should make her well-being of primary importance. He should care for her as he cares for his own body. If you do this for your wife, then no wife needs to fear submitting to a man who treats her in this way.
So, now I want to quickly give you 10 ways to conquer family conflict. However, the first thing you must do, and this is not one of the 10, you must get Ephesians 5 right.
Okay, here’s the 10 things to do to conquer family conflict.
1. Take Time Out
1. Take Time Out
I watched Saved by the Bell, every episode. I watched it every week. It was my Saturday morning show. At a certain point in the show Zach would say timeout and that would pause the action of the show and then Zach would speak to the viewing audience. When you are in the midst of a family conflict, you will need to take a time out.
If it is an argument, a situation with your kids or something else, stop and take a time out. Don’t say something you will regret later, just because you are angry in the heat of the battle.
18 A hot-tempered person stirs up conflict, but the one who is patient calms a quarrel.
32 Better a patient person than a warrior, one with self-control than one who takes a city.
Take a time out. Don’t go to war.
2. Put Aside Your Differences for the Moments that Matter
2. Put Aside Your Differences for the Moments that Matter
No matter what conflicts you are in, no matter how much tension there has been, there will be times that you need to set those differences aside and enjoy the matter at hand. Come together for births, weddings, funerals. Put those differences aside and celebrate the good.
18 The Lord is close to the brokenhearted and saves those who are crushed in spirit.
3. Skip the Silent Treatment
3. Skip the Silent Treatment
The silent treatment is not communications. If you need a time out, take it, but then come back to the conversation. If you are not communicating you are destroying the family. Plus, if you are giving someone the silent treatment, then how will they know that you are mad at them and what you are mad about.
4. Own Your Part
4. Own Your Part
It is so important that you take a look in the mirror and figure out what you could have done differently. I know that I am not perfect, but when I know that there may be conflict when I approach someone I try to go through all the outcomes in my head so that I can find the best way to approach the issue at hand. When you do that you will discover what you could have done better.
31 Do not envy the violent or choose any of their ways.
32 For the Lord detests the perverse but takes the upright into his confidence.
5. Focus on the Problem, Not the Person
5. Focus on the Problem, Not the Person
Too many times we get wrapped up in the person and not the problem. Many times problems can be solved before we get angry at the person. So, focus on the problem. Work to solve the problem.
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
Ask God for wisdom with the problem that is causing the conflict and then trust in Him to help you get the problem solved.
6. Give it More Time
6. Give it More Time
Don’t be too hasty and make a wrong decision. Get it right the first time. The goal is to resolve the conflict not make it worse.
Solomon wrote...
1 There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens:
Do you notice that several of these go together? Time can be on our side and it can be against us. Use time to your advantage. Use the time to seek council. Get a second opinion from someone you trust. So that you make the best decision for the conflict that is in front of you.
17 If anyone, then, knows the good they ought to do and doesn’t do it, it is sin for them.
7. Set Some Boundaries
7. Set Some Boundaries
Boundaries are created to keep some people or things either in or out. If you have a herd of animals and you want to keep them in a certain area. You build a fence to keep them in. If you have property and you don’t want people on your property, you build a fence to keep people off your property. The same thing goes with people in your life. You need to set boundaries and decide what you will and will not allow them to do in your life.
As a pastor, I have to set boundaries and separate my home life from my church life. It is healthier that way. As a parent or child, you need to set some boundaries, especially as you become an adult or have adult children. Boundaries are important.
1 Brothers and sisters, if someone is caught in a sin, you who live by the Spirit should restore that person gently. But watch yourselves, or you also may be tempted.
2 Carry each other’s burdens, and in this way you will fulfill the law of Christ.
3 If anyone thinks they are something when they are not, they deceive themselves.
4 Each one should test their own actions. Then they can take pride in themselves alone, without comparing themselves to someone else,
5 for each one should carry their own load.
Don’t let someone else’s problems become your problems. There are people that are a part of your life that will take from you until you have no more to give. That is why it is so important for you to set up boundaries in your life.
8. Don’t Overreact
8. Don’t Overreact
How many of you have done this? Someone says something to you and before you can process the information you give a quick response and you end up making the situation worse than it was because of your reaction.
19 My dear brothers and sisters, take note of this: Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry,
20 because human anger does not produce the righteousness that God desires.
That is why we need number 6 Give it more time and number 1 take time out because if we don’t do these things we will overreact.
Most conflicts can be avoided if we don’t overreact.
9. Learn to Manage Stress
9. Learn to Manage Stress
Some of you just need to relax. You need to chill. It’s going to be okay.
One of my favorite posters is a picture of a cat hanging on to a tree by one paw. There is fear in this cats face and he is hanging on for dear life. And the caption says, “Let Go, let God.”
Some of you need to let go and let God. He can deal with things much better than you can. You must chill out. Learn to manage stress. Learn to lean on God.
Remember the verse I used earlier.
5 Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight.
6 Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.
34 Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
It is times like these that we need to know scripture so that we can quote them when we are having conflicts in our life. Your best plan is to turn to Jesus and place all that stress on Him. I promise He can handle it. He has big shoulders.
10. Start in Prayer
10. Start in Prayer
This one should be number 1 but I like to save the best for last. When you have a conflict that is starting to arise, take it to Jesus. When there is tension that is rising in your family, on your job, at school, or wherever, take it to Jesus.
We need Jesus everyday to help us on this journey that is called life. We need Him to walk with us. We need Him to spend time with us. When we go a day without talking to Him that is moving our relationship farther and farther from Him. Take some time and spend it with Jesus. Start with Prayer.
16 Rejoice always,
17 pray continually,
18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.
Many conflicts can be solved with prayer. Any time that I saw conflict arising here at the church. I would go to God in prayer. And He would either give me the answer on how to handle the situation or He would step in and take care of the problem.
It is so important that we learn to go to God in prayer.
Let’s pray.