Widowhood

Introduction

Tonight I planned to preach on widowhood and I will cover on a later date our responsibilities to widows. There aren’t a lot of passages that deal with being a widow per se, but there definitely is a lot of guidance on how to interact with widows or widowers. I don’t think many of us know what to say to those who are going through painful times like these and it is often that we say things, that hurt unintentionally. Gaye Clark gave an example after her husband died of how our words though unintended can often hurt those who are grieving:

A year after my husband died, I sat with friends. Together we had decorated, prayed, and planned for a ladies’ event. One friend glanced at her watch and grabbed her purse. “I’d better get a move on if I’m going to get dinner ready.” She started to leave but turned to me before she reached the door. “Say, you’re really lucky, you know? You don’t have to put a meal on the table.”

But the bible teaches that we should be very careful about the things that we say. Matt 12:36 “But I say unto you, That every idle word that men shall speak, they shall give account thereof in the day of judgment.”

She gives the following advice:

Be slow to speak of another’s circumstance

Pray often about your speech

Keep in mind that you can’t fix it- not every problem can and should be fixed. You can be there to comfort them and be with them, but you can’t make the pain go away. You can’t bring their husband back.

Keep short accounts- make it right if you say something you shouldn’t have said

According to the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, one-third of women who become widowed are younger than age sixty, and half of those widowed become so by age sixty-five. In fact, seven out of ten baby boomers can expect to outlive their husbands.

As a people of God, we need to be better at ministering to the needs of those who have lost a spouse in our midst. James 1:27 “Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless and widows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.” The purest expression of our faith is giving of ourselves to meet the needs of those who cannot repay us such as the orphans and widows. This message should resonate with those who have the Gift of Mercy because your heart is like God’s heart in this area. Psalm 68:5 “A father of the fatherless, and a judge of the widows, Is God in his holy habitation.” The word judge carries the idea of a judge who will stand up on her behalf or a defender. God will defend them and judge against those who take advantage of them. To those who are hurting, God says Isa 41:10 “Fear thou not; for I am with thee: Be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee; yea, I will help thee; Yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness.”

As a church we are the instruments of God’s grace. If God’s plan is to strengthen them, then we need to be involved in that. If God’s plan is to help them, then we should be involved in that. If God’s plan is to uphold or sustain them, left them up. Tonights message will be some practical guidelines for how to comfort those who are hurting from God’s word.

Sit in silence with them

If you want to do a study on suffering in the bible, there are a few books that are dedicated directly to this topic because it is such a universal problem. Luke recently taught on Wednesday night on the trials of Job and his experience with God, but we can also draw out a lesson about comforting those who are hurting from the life of Job’s friends. Job’s three friends are a lesson in how not to help your friend when they are hurting. But in all the things that they did wrong, they did one thing right:

Job 2:11-13 “Now when Job’s three friends heard of all this evil that was come upon him, they came every one from his own place; Eliphaz the Temanite, and Bildad the Shuhite, and Zophar the Naamathite: for they had made an appointment together to come to mourn with him and to comfort him. And when they lifted up their eyes afar off, and knew him not, they lifted up their voice, and wept; and they rent every one his mantle, and sprinkled dust upon their heads toward heaven. So they sat down with him upon the ground seven days and seven nights, and none spake a word unto him: for they saw that his grief was very great.”

Often times when someone is in the thick of suffering and grief, they do not need a lecture on hope and the future. Our words are often merely an irritant because they are not ready for them. Is it what they need to hear? Yes, at the right time. Sometimes they just need someone to sit with them and feel with them.

Jeremiah expresses this in Lamentations 2:13 “What thing shall I take to witness for thee? what thing shall I liken to thee, O daughter of Jerusalem? What shall I equal to thee, that I may comfort thee, O virgin daughter of Zion? For thy breach is great like the sea: who can heal thee?” Jeremiah is left at a loss for words and doesn’t have the words to comfort her.

We know that the wisdom of Ecclesiastes teaches that for everything there is a time. A wise friend and counselor knows when silence and listening are all that is needed. The following quote emphasizes the importance of this principle:

“I was sitting, torn by grief. Someone came and talked to me of God’s dealings, of why it happened, of hope beyond the grave. He talked constantly, he said things I knew were true. I was unmoved, except to wish he’d go away. He finally did. Another came and sat beside me. He didn’t talk. He didn’t ask leading questions. He just sat beside me for an hour or more, listened when I said something, answered briefly, prayed simply, left. I was moved. I was comforted. I hated to see him go.” The View From a Hearse (after losing three of his sons)

Stick with them

Proverbs 18:24 “A man that hath friends must shew himself friendly: And there is a friend that sticketh closer than a brother.”

Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loveth at all times, And a brother is born for adversity.”

We often go out of our way to care and comfort those who are struggling with loss and grief in the first initial weeks, but as time goes on it is tempting to move on. They aren’t investing in the relationship because they are going through some things, so we give them space and lose connection with them. Maybe we feel like the time of their grief should be over now because we don’t understand what it is like to be where they are. People often grieve anywhere from 6 months to a few years after the loss of a spouse. Are we willing to stick with them for that long?

This phase of their life is not one and done. It isn’t just a week of funeral preparations and then they move on. Often losing a spouse is like losing a leg. Something that was part of you is now gone. Are we committed as brothers and sisters to stick it out with them. To love and give the whole way through.

I think of a child who is born with down syndrome. The parents of that child have a long journey in caring for and loving that child. They are in it for the long haul.

Are we in it for the long haul?

Do we get exasperated that they just don’t seem to be getting over it when we want them too?

Are we inconvenienced by their need?

How committed are we to the relationship?

Everyone’s grief is different and every deals with things differently. Who are we to set a time limit on someone else’s grief. That not my job to judge their grief. My job is to love them through their grief.

Forgive them

Those who are hurting will often lash out because of their pain.

I think of a dog who all your life has been your faithful companion, but one day he breaks his leg. When you reach down to pet him, he tries to nip at you. The dogs natural response is one of fear of being hurt more.

It is inevitable that hurting people will offend you whether by lashing out or just not investing in the relationship. It is in those moments that we need to forgive, forbear, and not retaliate.

When people are placed in hot water, difficult circumstances, it is inevitable that the sin that is inside is going to come out. Jim Berg uses the illustration of a tea bag. When you put a tea bag in hot water the tea comes out and mixes with the hot water to make tea. So when things get hard in your life or when you are hurting, the sin that lies in all of us will find its way out. A good friend will know that, see it for what it is and forgive.

1 Peter 3:9 “Not rendering evil for evil, or railing for railing: but contrariwise blessing; knowing that ye are thereunto called, that ye should inherit a blessing.”

Matt 18:35 “So likewise shall my heavenly Father do also unto you, if ye from your hearts forgive not every one his brother their trespasses.”

“Forgiving flows from Forgiven-ness.”

How many times have I lashed out at God in my heart? How many times do I grumble and complain about what He is doing? How many times have I neglected my relationship with Him? Am I any better?

If he has forgiven me so much, can’t I love people enough to walk with them in their pain and forgive when they hurt me.

Do we write people off when they don’t respond well to our efforts or when they seem to be struggling too much for our taste?

Bring Joy into their Lives

Proverbs 17:22 “A merry heart doeth good like a medicine: But a broken spirit drieth the bones.”

There is a time for grief, sadness and sitting with the one who is hurting, but bringing joy into their lives can help heal those wounds. At some point the medicine they may need is someone to just get them out of the house and do something with them. Get them to remember what it was like to laugh and have fun.

Grief is a process and at some point they do need to start seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. If your method of grief counseling is merely a rehashing of their pain, you are encouraging them to wallow in the pain. The bible actually has a plan for dealing with grief and everyone wants to run to secular psychologists and counselors, but the answer has always been there in Lamentations. While right now we may be struggling with the feelings of grief, we must continually be pressing forward to a renewed hope in the Lord.

Habakkuk sets an example for us.

Hab 3:16-18 “When I heard, my belly trembled; My lips quivered at the voice: Rottenness entered into my bones, and I trembled in myself, That I might rest in the day of trouble: When he cometh up unto the people, he will invade them with his troops. Although the fig tree shall not blossom, Neither shall fruit be in the vines; The labour of the olive shall fail, And the fields shall yield no meat; The flock shall be cut off from the fold, And there shall be no herd in the stalls: Yet I will rejoice in the Lord, I will joy in the God of my salvation.”

At the right time, seek to bring joy into their lives and point them to God who is our joy.

Talk with them

Proverbs 12:18 “There is that speaketh like the piercings of a sword: But the tongue of the wise is health.”

Circling back to the story of Job, Job’s friends were excellent friends until the moment that they opened their mouths. It is important that our words bring healing. I am going to give you some practical advice from Dave Furman a missionary in the middle east who has dealt with debilitating pain in his arms most of his life. The pain is to the extent that he cannot open his own car door or buckle the seat. He can’t hold metal silverwear because the weight is too much for him. Here are his suggestions:

Don’t try to be the fix it person- you can’t fix every problem that is out there. Don’t be the person who comes along with essential oils and recommends it for every one who is suffering. We have all met people who think they have the answer to their problems. If anything point them to the word of God, but you better know how to use that word before you just through biblical bandaids all over their hurt.

Don’t play the comparison game- It isn’t helpful to compare their situation to yours or someone else’s. When you make these statements you are diminishing their pain. That may not be your intent. You might be just trying to empathize with them, but you turn the conversation to be about you.

Don’t make it their identity- There is more to other people than just their loss and sorrow. Talk to them about other things. They should not define themselves by their loss, but neither should you reinforce that image by imaging thats all there is to them.

Don’t be that person who goes around promising them happiness and deliverance now- God’s got a new spouse for you just around the corner or I prayed for you today so you shouldn’t feel any pain.

Don’t push them to just “move on.” Don’t be sad, you should be happy because they are with Jesus. Do not be that person who tells them it is a sin to cry over their loss. Isa 53:3 “He is despised and rejected of men; A man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief: And we hid as it were our faces from him; He was despised, and we esteemed him not.” Isa 42:3 “A bruised reed shall he not break, And the smoking flax shall he not quench: He shall bring forth judgment unto truth.”

Don’t be hyper-spiritual and give out platitudes and act like grief is not acceptable in the Christian experience.

Don’t avoid them- I know sometimes it is uncomfortable, but playing the avoidance game is ignoring their pain completely.

Don’t give out general promises of help- If you want to help offer specific help and follow through

Don’t condemn them- again Jesus was acquainted with grief and He understands us. Even when we look at Lamentations, there are things said in that book that we would never dream of saying to God, but God knows our hearts.

Pray with them

If you want to get a more comprehensive look at how to deal with grieving people, study the book of Lamentations and the interactions in the book. When I taught through the book, I came up with 10 things that the narrator does in comforting within the book. Lamentations 1 and 2 is a dialogue between the narrator and Lady Jerusalem in which he challenges her to Cry out to God. Lam 2:19 “Arise, cry out in the night: in the beginning of the watches Pour out thine heart like water before the face of the Lord: Lift up thy hands toward him for the life of thy young children, That faint for hunger in the top of every street.” But throughout the text of chapters 1-4 these laments are all solitary, individual laments. Notice:

Lamentations 3:1 “I am the man that hath seen affliction by the rod of his wrath.”

Lamentations 3:15 “He hath filled me with bitterness, he hath made me drunken with wormwood.”

Lamentations 3:18 “And I said, My strength and my hope is perished from the Lord:”

Lamentations 3: 21-24 “This I recall to my mind, therefore have I hope. It is of the Lord’s mercies that we are not consumed, because his compassions fail not. They are new every morning: great is thy faithfulness. The Lord is my portion, saith my soul; therefore will I hope in him.”

But in answer to the narrators challenge, Jeremiah leads the people in a corporate Lament starting at the end of chapter 4 but primarily in chapter 5:

Lamentations 5:1 “Remember, O Lord, what is come upon us: Consider, and behold our reproach.”

Lamentations 5:3 “We are orphans and fatherless, Our mothers are as widows.”

Lamentations 5:21 “Turn thou us unto thee, O Lord, and we shall be turned; Renew our days as of old.”

Pray for them

Encourage them to pray

Pray with them (guide them through Lament)

Conclusion

Helping those who are hurting can be a painful experience and wear us out very quickly. The secret to finding strength in these moments is Abiding in the Vine. A consistent love relationship with Jesus Christ is the only place where we will find the strength to help the hurting. You must be much with Jesus Christ before you are anything with Jesus Christ. John 15:4 “Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit of itself, except it abide in the vine; no more can ye, except ye abide in me.”

If we are not abiding in Christ our ministry will be empty and useless: a mere burning of energy.

Heads bowed and Eyes closed. Tonight I am asking you to evaluate the way you have interacted with those who are hurting: the widows, the disabled, those who have lost a parent. Are you playing the avoidance game? Are you impatient for them to just get over that? If you say tonight, Pastor Shirk, I have not been actively trying to help those I know who are hurting and I know I need to would you raise your hand tonight.

As the piano plays, this is a moment to talk with the Lord about that and decide on a change in course in your life. What are you going to do about what you have heard today?