Four Principles for Training your Children

Introduction

Tonights message is going to deal with the how of training our children and next Sunday we will deal with what you should train your children. Our main texts for both of these messages will be found in the book of Proverbs. From this message do not think that this is all it takes either. There is more coming in later messages and I won’t be covering everything that could be said about parenting from the Bible.

I also must give this disclaimer: I am not a perfect parent. I do not stand up here condemning you for your mistakes as if I had it all together. Nor is my child raising done. I do believe I have good kids. Good kids with problems. These principles I am going to teach tonight while they are things I am trying to do in my own life; they do not get their authority from me. These principles are true because God says they are.

There is a lot of parenting advice out there today and much of it is contrary to the Word of God. You might think you know how to parent your children, but this is the question I want to ask you tonight: Do you believe that God knows how to parent your children better than you do? If your answer is no, I have nothing to say to you. You might as well leave now because this whole message is going to be about God’s guidance for parenting.

Principle One: Raising children who walk with the Lord takes training not just giving information.

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go: And when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

The word train comes from a Middle Eastern practice of rubbing the palate of a new-born child with date-juice or oil. This was done ceremonial often times but it was also done to prepare the child for breastfeeding. The word as it is used in this context here speaks of developing a person’s behavior by instruction and practice. The key take away is that raising our children to walk with the Lord is not just a matter of teaching them information.

The NT word for train is gumnazo from which we get the word gym. Think of a basketball trainer. If Joshua wanted to become a pro ball player, he isn’t just going to sit in a classroom and be told everything he should be doing. A good trainer is going to get him out on the court, tell him what to do, show him what to do, observe him do it and then correct mistakes. This process takes time and practice. You don’t just have one session with a basketball trainer and boom your a pro player.

Parenting is the same way. You don’t just parent by telling your kids what to do:

you need to sit still in church

you need to do your devotions every day

don’t run around like crazy in public areas other than the playground

Proper parenting is a process of developing correct behavior in your children. Let’s take an example of sitting still in church since we are still working on this with Levi and it will do me good to be reminded of this. If I want Levi to sit still in church, it is going to take time. He is a boy with lots of energy. He struggles with staying focused and gets bored easily. But if I want to train him to sit still in church, it will take the following steps:

Tell him what you expect- tell him he needs to sit still in church and what that looks like. No getting out of his seat, playing with the hymn books, raising his hand in the service at random times, looking up at the speaker when they are talking ect. You can’t expect your child to do the right thing if they don’t know what that right thing is. So the first step is instruction.

Set an example- If you want your kids to pay attention and sit still in church, you need to be setting the example. If you want them to pay attention and not be doodling during the service, maybe you shouldn’t be either. If you want them to stay awake in church, you need to stay awake in church. Anything else is just hypocrisy.

Watch him- This is the hardest part for Katy and I because we are busy serving during the service. Our solution is to ask someone like Mrs. Ridley to sit with him when we can’t be there because we know she will keep him in line. But you can’t train your child to do right if you don’t pay attention to when they do wrong.

Correct him- If any of his actions are not in alignment with what I have told him to do, I need to correct him. When I say correct him, I don’t mean spank him. We will talk about discipline later, but not everything is a spanking issue. Correction means reminding him of what he is supposed to be doing and getting him to comply.

Be consistent- Training a child to sit still in church takes time, so don’t give up. If your child knows he can get away with acting up some of the time, he will be constantly pushing the boundaries.

What I am saying here is that training a child, is more about consistent practice in right behavior than it is about giving them just the information. You can’t just tell them what to do, you have to develop the habit of doing it in their lives. Often times when we think of training our children, we also have a tendency to think only of stopping negative behavior. Training is not just correction of bad behavior; it is training them in good behaviors.

What kind of person do you want you kid to be?

Do you want them to be responsible? Train them to be responsible with their things, time, money, life.

Do you want them to be godly? Then train them in how to be godly; show them how to walk with God, do their devotions, pray, witness for others, be led by the Spirit and conquer sin in their lives.

There is another layer to training your children. Remember how that word was used in Middle Eastern practice. They would rub the date juice or oil on the palate of the child. That action speaks of developing a taste and motivating them to take it in. If you want your children to do something, create a desire for it in their lives. Inspire, motivate them. In a way be their cheerleader.

A good coach tells you what not to do, and what to do. He works with you to develop skills you need to succeed but then when the boxing match is on, he is there standing on the sidelines cheering you on.

Principle Two: Raising your kids means teaching them the way to live.

Proverbs 22:6 “Train up a child in the way he should go: And when he is old, he will not depart from it.”

I have noticed a trend in our churches. First generation Christians like our parents got saved. They didn’t know how to parent their children, but they saw that the bible told them not to spare the rod. To train their children in the way he should go and without godly examples in their lives to help them navigate these waters, they made a lot of mistakes. A second generation of Christians comes along and is trying to raise their children now. They saw the mistakes of their parents and they reacted against that. Usually what happens is they go to the opposite pendulum swing. Their parents went to far in one direction so they go the other direction. But here is the truth: Both generations are making mistakes and are wrong. They just made different mistakes.

This passage tell us to train them in the way he should go.

1. God’s will- Literally the Hebrew says in His way so some have taken this to mean that as a parent we should find out the particular bent of our child, their likes, passions, and goals and help them achieve them. I believe that is obviously included in this phrase. In essence, we are saying that you should train them in God’s will for their life. Help them discover that will, develop the skills needed to accomplish those goals. Put them on the path to do what they are called to do.

2. Right behaviour- But the phrase means more than that. The word for way includes the ideas of conduct and behavior. It isn’t just about helping them reach their goals in life, parenting is about teaching them to be godly, responsible adults. I believe both of these things can be put together. As parents, we are to train our children to live rightly while they tread the path that God has laid out for their lives. God has a plan for all of our lives but He also has a plan for how that plan should be lived out. As parents we have the responsibility to raise our kids to live with integrity, holiness, authenticity and responsibility in whatever life God calls them to.

I grew up in a strict home and I know first hand that just being strict does not produce godly children. I have known so many families whose parents were strict with the children their whole lives. The kids knew right from wrong and what was expected of them and yet they went off into the world, rejected God, and are living in sin. While it is possible to be too strict, the answer is not to become more lenient. Think about this logically to become less strict about right and wrong means you are becoming more lenient toward sin. Strictness in and of itself is not the problem. The next point will develop this more so I will just say this now: Rules without relationship breed rebellion.

I challenge you to look at the relationship of the parents who were strict and their kids went off into the world. I bet you often times will find they didn’t have time for their kids. I bet often their children felt like they couldn’t talk to their parents. I bet often those parents never spent anytime developing a relationship with those kids. I have seen this to be true because I know families whose parents were too strict and yet the children turned out right. Maybe they disagree with some of the things their parents did which is fine, but they are still walking with the Lord, serving Him and pursuing Him.

The final phrase of the verse says when he is old he will not depart from it. Many of us can think of godly parents whose children are not walking with the Lord. I think though that if we are honest most of the time there was some serious flaw in their parenting that led to where their children are today. We have to be honest though: God had two children and they both rebelled against Him. You can be a perfect parent and your children still not end up where they should because they have free will. They are not robots. I can’t teach on my view of proverbs in completion in this message, but let me just say I do not believe this is a promise. Proverbs are principles for the best way to get a certain outcome. What I can guarantee you from this passage is if you don’t train your child in the way, they will not turn out right. Human beings naturally go their own way opposed to God’s way. Left on their own, your kids will not turn out right.

So the biblical example is a family that is strict about doing right, but also has a loving relationship. Which leads to our third Principle.

Principle Three: Biblical parenting involves a relationship with your child.

Proverbs 23:26 “My son, give me thine heart, And let thine eyes observe my ways.”

This principle might be one of the most important principles you will hear tonight, because many mistakes can be overcome when there is love in a home.

In a good relationship, rules change their dynamic. When rules exist in a loving environment, they aren’t about control. Rules become guardrails to protect the child and the relationship. Any strong relationship has boundaries.

Think about this illustration:

I preached on guardrails in a previous message on marriage. One of my guardrails is I try not to be alone in a room with another woman. This is healthy because it protects me from sin, but also it protects my relationship. Even if nothing happens, if it gets around that Pastor Shirk was in a room alone with another woman, my wife might become insecure, or worried about our relationship. Having this gaurdrail is how I show love to my wife and protect our relationship because I value that relationship.

Give me thine heart- notice this is a command from a father to a son. We should want our children to love and respect us. If we have their heart, we can guide them where ever God wants us to lead them and they will follow. So often our children’s hearts are consumed with video games, or activities, or their own desires. Do your kids want to be around you? If we are going to have an influence in our children’s lives, we need to nurture a relationship of love and trust with them. Ask yourself these questions to see if you are tearing down those bridges between you and your children.

Do your kids feel that you like them? Many of us don’t have the heart of our children because they know we love them, but they also believe we don’t like them. We don’t spend time with them, we don’t take an interest in their lives and their joys. We always talk about how much they stress us out and we can’t handle it any more. We are always busy. In ministry this is one of the hardest things to manage. I try to set aside time for my family, but there are weeks like this week where every evening except Monday evening is taken up by some ministry activity. You have to fight for time with your children. Care it out of your day. Do things with them that they like doing? Go out of your way to do special things for them.

Do your children know that you love them? Some men especially struggle with expressing their love to their kids. They need to hear the words. But more important than hearing the words they need to see it in your life. I value the book the Five Love Languages even though it isn’t taught in the bible because it shows that there are different ways to show love.

Do your children fell like you are approachable?- if we are going to gain their heart, they must know they can come to us. Can they talk to you about their problems? Do you blow up when they bring a problem to you? When a kid comes to you and admits they did something wrong, that should be a sign to you that God has already convicted them about it. Your job at that moment isn’t to scold them, it is to help them get it right. Can they trust you not to use this as a weapon against them in the future.

(Read Letter from Passionate Parenting by Cary Schmidt)

Principle Four: The best way to parent is to mentor your child.

Proverbs 23:26 “My son, give me thine heart, And let thine eyes observe my ways.”

You remember when David Bennett was here. His afternoon message was on the topic of mentorship because I asked him to teach on that topic. He didn’t get very far because their is just too much to teach than he could do in one service. But there are some key principles to mentorship:

Mentorship is training by being with them.

Mentorship is training by teaching them what to do.

Mentorship is training by modeling before them what they should do.

This is the meaning of the last phrase let thine eyes observe my ways. You want to train your children to be a certain way, you need to be that first. Remember my mantra Be the change you want to see in others.

The bible is filled with examples of leading by example.

1. Jesus led by example when he washed his disciples feet.

2. Paul challenged Timothy to be an example of the believers in the church of Ephesus that he helped lead.

Are you authentic? Children smell hypocrisy a mile away. They know when you are faking it. They know when you are saying one thing but doing another. They see your life; so you might as well be honest. I was so encouraged by this thought from Cary Schmidt’s book “God has placed these young humans in close proximity to you on purpose- for quite a while. He knows your failures and flaws, but apparently that wasn’t enough to disqualify you. Perhaps He intends for you to model honesty, transparency, confession and repentance as well?” Let your kids see your life. You can’t fake it till you make it in Christianity and parenting.

The phrase let thine eyes observe speaks to more than just seeing what you do, though it does include that. Your kids should see how you live, but observe here speaks of taking pleasure in. Invite them into your life so that they take pleasure in the things that you do.

I am not a mechanic, but I think of the dad who goes out to work on the car and brings his kid along with him. The kid may not be able to do everything but he can watch and take an interest in what the dad is doing. The dad can call him into his life. Maybe the kids can grab a screw driver for him or hold something. By bringing them into our lives, modeling and mentoring behavior; we inspire our children to want to do what we do.

I have a book out on the shelf about mentoring and while it isn’t about parenting; if you think hard about it there will be a lot of excellent lessons for parenting in their two.

With our younger kids we are able to control them by mandate, but when they become older that doesn’t work any more. Teens begin to analyze our lives and ask if this God thing is real to Mom and Dad. So if you want disobedient children, be one; if you want deceptive children, be one; if you want argumentative kids, be one; if you want defensive kids be one. You get what you produce and you produce what you are.

If you want kids who love God, be a parent who passionately loves God and bring your kids into that life.

Avoid playing the appearance game.

When we look at the modeling example of Jesus Christ, his disciples felt the freedom to ask Him questions.

Our authority as parents comes from being authentic. We lead and mentor by example. Have you ever considered the connection between authority and authentic? Both come from a root for original, genuine. your authority as a parent only goes as far as your are authentic.

Conclusion

Parenting is not easy; I know. It is a long, sometimes difficult process; but if God has called you to be a parent, He can give you the strength you need to do this right. We all make mistakes, but God can use even a crooked stick to draw a straight line. I am not challenging you with these things tonight to beat you up. I want to inspire you with a better way.

Tonight I would like to ask that every family with children that is willing, would come up front together and pray out loud together. Fathers dedicate your family to the lord, commit to raising these children for God’s glory and ask Him for wisdom, patience, mercy, and grace to train your children in the way they should go.