Premarriage Counseling 2

The meaning of a Biblical Marriage

What is a biblical view of marriage?

Proverbs 2:16–17 ESV

16 So you will be delivered from the forbidden woman, from the adulteress with her smooth words, 17 who forsakes the companion of her youth and forgets the covenant of her God;

Malachi 2:14 ESV

14 But you say, “Why does he not?” Because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant.

A covenant relationship between a man and a woman.

Covenant carries with it a view of marriage for a lifetime.

Covenant implies trust, security, commitment and partnership.

Our culture typically views marriage as a contract - each partner brings their own list of wants/expectations to the relationship and if they are not met, divorce is justified. Each person has the right to demand certain things.

”Fear of the Lord” is a continual refrain throughout Proverbs, beginning in 1:7 (“The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom.”) It creates an environment for everything else in biblical, covenant marriage. It means to worship Christ, read the Bible, pray, desire to live a biblical life.

Are there biblical grounds for divorce?

Matthew 5:31–32 ESV

31 “It was also said, ‘Whoever divorces his wife, let him give her a certificate of divorce.’ 32 But I say to you that everyone who divorces his wife, except on the ground of sexual immorality, makes her commit adultery, and whoever marries a divorced woman commits adultery.

Adultery - it is catastrophic for everyone involved.

Adultery is increasingly being initiated by women in our society, but men and women have always been involved in promoting it (Prov 2:16-17).

Adultery frequently begins with the seemingly minor issue of transferring of friendship.

Adultery is a shadowy threat that is never far away and requires constant vigilance.

Adultery has many expressions - any form of “sexual immorality”, flirting (including online), pornography, allowing your mind to develop the idea

What are some protective steps to keep adultery at a distance?

Keep your spouse your best friend.

Keep your spouse as the model of beauty in your eyes. Pursue your spouse and be satisfied with what you have, rather than what you don’t have.

Develop intimacy through giving yourselves completely and exclusively to each other, be trustworthy, love each other unconditionally.

Understand the primary needs of your spouse and how they differ from your needs (different gender issues detailed in His Needs, Her Needs, by Willard Harley).

Ask questions that express love and concern (not trying to catch them in something or nagging) - “What are you struggling with at work?”

Choose your same-gender friends carefully.

Set boundaries with opposite sex (like visiting home/apartment alone… eating out alone… counseling alone or more than a very limited number of times before referral.

Keep romance alive in your marriage - make your spouse feel like the most special person to you… spend time together.

Keep your heart with the Lord and your spouse.

What does it mean to be one?

Genesis 2:20–25 ESV

20 The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him. 21 So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and while he slept took one of his ribs and closed up its place with flesh. 22 And the rib that the Lord God had taken from the man he made into a woman and brought her to the man. 23 Then the man said, “This at last is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” 24 Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh. 25 And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Obviously the physical union, but a commitment is strongly implied.

A transaction happens when she becomes his wife.

He leaves father and mother - not abandon - but priority and commitment.

’One’ in the sense of being a part of each other’s lives in all details. Takes time and effort, hence the engagement period and the reason for physical oneness being the culmination, not initiation.

Note similarities with our redemption on the cross - Christ ‘asleep’ (died)… bride (church) is born from his side… Jesus left the Father (incarnation)… we are inseparable from Christ (one).

v24 - God created sex as the physical culmination of a process of coming together in covenant marriage. If the order is ignored or circumvented, it will hurt - and perhaps destroy - the deepest human relationship based on trust and commitment. One flesh involves a soul connection at the deepest level. When 2 people have sex, their souls touch. When that is a casual touch w/o commitment and other aspects of intimacy (getting to know and trust each other through experience over time) then brokenness, pain and scars result.

Submission

Ephesians 5:21–33 ESV

21 submitting to one another out of reverence for Christ. 22 Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife even as Christ is the head of the church, his body, and is himself its Savior. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit in everything to their husbands. 25 Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her, 26 that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, 27 so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish. 28 In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, 30 because we are members of his body. 31 “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.” 32 This mystery is profound, and I am saying that it refers to Christ and the church. 33 However, let each one of you love his wife as himself, and let the wife see that she respects her husband.

What is the main idea in the passage?

Marriage between a man and woman is a prelude or foreshadow of the ultimate Groom and Bride - Christ and the Church.

What does it mean to “submit to one another out of reverence for Christ?

It’s all about the reason you do it - for Christ first, because he commands/desires it.

It’s mutual first.

Marriage is illustration of our union with Christ.

What does it mean that the husband is head and the wife is to be submissive?

Head refers to marital leadership and responsibility. Remember Bible is illustrating the redemptive work of Christ - self-giving/sacrificing love… servant leadership. This is basis for submission.

Domination is unbiblical and abusive.

Submission is a response.

v33 sums up what both are all about - headship is love and submission is respect.

Passage deals with the greatest temptations to men and women in marriage - men to be disengaged and passive in leading the family (“husband is the head of the wife [v22]… love your wives as Christ loved the church[v25]… sanctify her, having cleansed her [v26]”) and women to dominate their husbands rather than be voluntarily submissive (“wives, submit to your own husbands” [v22], “respect her husband” [v33].

What do both spouses need to do to make the marriage work?

Philippians 2:1–4 ESV

1 So if there is any encouragement in Christ, any comfort from love, any participation in the Spirit, any affection and sympathy, 2 complete my joy by being of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind. 3 Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit, but in humility count others more significant than yourselves. 4 Let each of you look not only to his own interests, but also to the interests of others.

Encourage… comfort… fellowship… tenderness… compassion… make each other happy… wholehearted agreement (unity)… loving each other… working together for one purpose.

How do you “die to yourself” in a marriage?

Luke 9:23 ESV

23 And he said to all, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow me.

Put the other person first.

Accept the other person’s ugliest side.

Question in the ceremony - “…sickness and in health, poverty and prosperity, for as long as you both shall live.”

It’s a daily thing. Your cross is your toughest assignment/duty. It’s part of following Christ.

*Joni Erickson Tada and husband interview of domestic details with her handicap.

What do these verses teach us about talking to each other?

Proverbs 15:1–5 ESV

1 A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. 2 The tongue of the wise commends knowledge, but the mouths of fools pour out folly. 3 The eyes of the Lord are in every place, keeping watch on the evil and the good. 4 A gentle tongue is a tree of life, but perverseness in it breaks the spirit. 5 A fool despises his father’s instruction, but whoever heeds reproof is prudent.

v1 - Exercise gentleness. Otherwise resentment/anger builds.

v2 - Back it up with action. What you are affects what you say. “Actions speak louder than words”.

v3 - Tell the truth. The Lord is listening. Accountability.

v4 - Positive purpose… even in confrontation/correction/discipline.

v5 - Listen - that’s what a child does when a father instructs, that’s how to heed advice (correction).

Communication is how intimacy begins and develops. This growing intimacy is the goal of courtship. As intimacy grows, so does the temptation to jump to the culmination (sex), but courtship is where character strength and self-control are revealed for each partner to see.

How do you practice “active listening” and “assertiveness” in marriage communication?

It takes effort.

People know when someone is really listening or not.

Can you really express how you feel and what you think w/o shouting, jabbing, insinuating? Can you do it respectfully, as sharing?

Caution against being withdrawn, giving “silent treatment”