Gaining Your Brother

How many of you like to have confrontation with other people? Some people enjoy watching confrontation unfold, but most people actually hate when they have to be the ones to initiate a confrontation with someone. Confrontations are necessary. We are not called to walk through life being passive, but rather active. There are times when you can turn the other cheek, and we will talk about them briefly in a few moments, but there will come times when you must stand and have those difficult conversations. When David went out to face Goliath, I do not remember him turn the cheek and giving him grace. Confrontation is necessary and there is a biblical layout of how we are to confront people. Look with me in

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Matthew 18:15-20

““If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have gained your brother. But if he does not listen, take one or two others along with you, that every charge may be established by the evidence of two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church. And if he refuses to listen even to the church, let him be to you as a Gentile and a tax collector. Truly, I say to you, whatever you bind on earth shall be bound in heaven, and whatever you loose on earth shall be loosed in heaven. Again I say to you, if two of you agree on earth about anything they ask, it will be done for them by my Father in heaven. For where two or three are gathered in my name, there am I among them.””

B‌efore we get into the bulk of the message, what is our purpose here on Earth? It is to bring God glory, honor, and praise. The main objective to all of this is that you might regain your brother or sister who has driven a wedge of sin between the two of you. This means the confrontation is settled, the relationship is restored, and you might move on stronger than before. Ready to join each other in worship again.

Confrontation is not fun, but at times it is necessary. Giving up means the death of a relationship, or at least how it once was or should be, and it could mean the destruction of your brother or sister.

‌No one is perfect. Keep that in mind when you begin step one, and always begin these sequence of steps from a spirit of love. This is not intended to be threatening, it is not the opportunity to point fingers or get on a soap box, it is settling a wrongdoing and restoring your relationship with your sibling in Christ.

The first thing you must do before entering the sequence of steps is decide how someone has wronged you. What did they do to you, and is what they did actually a sin that goes against God’s word or did they just have a varying opinion contrary to your own. We are not going to see eye to eye at times, but this does not mean that someone has committed a sin against us. They simply have different tastes and ideas than we do. People are entitled to be different. No two persons are made the same. But if what they have done to grieve you has gone against God’s word , maybe it be slander or gossip or lies, maybe it be something worse but if it is a sin according to God’s word, then we proceed into the sequence of steps that will confront our brother or sister in Christ, and hopefully restore our relationship in the end.

Stay calm during the entire sequence of events. Proverbs 15:1 tells us that “A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” and No doubt you have heard the phrase “cooler heads prevail.” If you loose your temper, you will certainly escalate the situation and that is the opposite of the goal here. Even if it means taking a pause or a breather, ensure that you remain calm.

Now once all of this is kept in mind, then you begin the sequence of steps to restore the relationship with your brother or sister in Christ.

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Step 1: Tell them that they have offended you. When someone has done something that offended or frustrated you, whether it be directly to you and causes you hurt or they do something that is against our belief and it offends Christ, you must tell them. If you do not tell them, yet you will tell everyone else, this is what we call gossip. If you truly want to settle something, go straight to the source. I cannot tell you the times that gossip has been spread simply because someone would not go talk to the source of the situation. Of course it generally reaches the source fairly quickly, but it is always through a third person. Which is the clear proof of gossip. Throughout my ministry I have had plenty of people come to me and say things like “Well people (or themselves) had questions and rather than dealing with people who do not fully understand, I decided to come to the source of the answer I want to have.” It curtails a world of problems when you go straight to the person of interest rather than elsewhere first.

—Remember to talk to them calmly. You cannot walk up to someone and say “I’m mad at you” without telling them why you are mad at them. Calmly confront them about the issue. Also, do not do it in front of a bunch of people and make a spectacle. As you see here in the instructions, Jesus says “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.”

‌After you have contacted them one on one in a spirit of love and peace,and you guys have talked through the situation, or you have at least tried to do so, if they do not respond positively (positively being they seek to find a resolution with you) and their response is more negative, then you go on to step 2 which is

Step 2: Confront them with one or two other people.

Matthew 18:16-17

Jesus says that when private, one-on-one conflict resolution fails, we need to expand the circle. If they do not listen to you the first time, take someone else with you. One or two people, not a crowd or they may think that it is a mob attack or an ill spirited intervention. 1-2 level headed, and trustworthy people from your church. You do not need to air your discussions out to just anyone.Keep Your speech calm, repeat what you talked about the first time, and explain that you have brought the other people to listen to your discussion.‌ Make sure that this person or persons is .

Reasons for taking someone with you:

1. It will allow that your words are not Twisted. In Jewish law it took at least 2 eyewitnesses to convict someone. This is why Jesus’s trials were a farce. The “eye witnesses” that the coerced to lie against Christ could not get their stories straight, yet they convicted Him anyways. But the aggressor may still try a he said/she said issue against you, and if they do then you will have someone to back up your words and protect your name if another person or two are there in the conversation.

2. Taking other people may give a different perspective on the subject, and both you and the ones who offended you may walk away with new insight. They can also offer you terms of reconciliation. Often times we cannot think perfectly in the thick of difficult situations and conversations. Other people may be able to help us find the words when our seem to run dry.

3. The one who sinned against you may not see the need to listen to you because they do not see that they are in the wrong, or other reasons whatever they be. But if another person is involved they may perceive the situation as more serious and pay attention to your words this time.

4. You have someone there to insure that step 2 was carried out. If for some reason you have to move on to step 3, the one who grieved you may make a claim that you never came to them at all, and if someone is with you then they can back your word.

‌If they will not listen to you one on one, and they will not listen and resolve with the aid of a one or two level headed peoples

Step 3: Taking it to the Church.

At this point, the person who sinned against you has ignored your concerns that you brought them in private, they have ignored you and your level headed friend that you brought to settle the disagreement, and they continue to refuse to change their ways. They are now causing more harm than they are good. The situation must be taken to the church and they will lovingly seek to settle the situation as the entire body of Christ.

I would say this, though. Take it to the pastor of the church first for guidance. He may take the mantle for you in delivering it to the church, or he can surely give you the time and platform to deliver the situation properly. But walking up before the church unannounced is a poor way to handle spiritual business. Have a good conversation with the spiritual head of the church before carrying out this step.

But after step 3 is carried out, after the unified body of Christ has reached out in love and grace to resolve the situations, if the person still will not listen, then step 4 is in order.

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Step 4: Excommunication.

Excommunication can be seen as a severing of communication and a break in communion.

The literal definition is :: the action of officially excluding someone from participation in the sacraments and services of the Christian Church.

The relationship as a family (individuals that make up the collective) has been disconnected as well as the persons place in the local body. They are cut out like a disease that is sure to spread if it is not removed from your body. This is not done because you hate the person, or even because you are angry. It is done so that it will protect the church, the body of Christ, and so that it may help the person come to grips With themselves.

I want to read you just a few passages the deal with removing members of the local body, and they will tell you why it must be done.

1 Corinthians 5:6-7

“Your boasting is not good. Do you not know that a little leaven leavens the whole lump? Cleanse out the old leaven that you may be a new lump, as you really are unleavened. For Christ, our Passover lamb, has been sacrificed.” ….

1 Corinthians 5:11-13

“But now I am writing to you not to associate with anyone who bears the name of brother if he is guilty of sexual immorality or greed, or is an idolater, reviler, drunkard, or swindler—not even to eat with such a one. For what have I to do with judging outsiders? Is it not those inside the church whom you are to judge? God judges those outside. “Purge the evil person from among you.””

‌2 Timothy 2:15 Talks as sin spreading like gangrene, gangrene being the death and rot of your body parts. If you leave sin unchecked in your own life it will eat away at you. If your brother or sister is sinning against you or the body of Christ, then it will eat away at the church.

‌If you jump back in our scripture reading this morning to Matthew 18:7-9 “...And if your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life crippled or lame than with two hands or two feet to be thrown into the eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into the hell of fire.”

Sin is a pretty serious issue to God, don’t you think? He warns us that sin needs to be cut out and removed in order to protect the entire body, and not run the risk of the entire body being infected and riddled.

John MacArthur put it like this “refusing step 3 , step 4 means that the offender must be excommunicated, regarded by the church as a ‘Gentile or a tax collector.’ The idea is not merely to punish the offender, or to shun the person completely, but to remove him or her as a detrimental influence from the fellowship of the church, and henceforth to regard the person as an evangelistic prospect rather than as a fellow believer. Ultimately, the sin for which one is excommunicated is a hard-hearted impenitence.”

People are not kicked out of the church for the sake of kicking them out. They are removed from the body to protect the body from further harm, and to give them a reality check that may save their lives. If you go through steps 1-3 and they see no need for change, then the entire church as a whole is wrong and they are right (which is highly unlikely) or they may not have the Spirit of God within them which is our assurance of salvation that guides us along. Putting them outside where the Christians can evangelize to them is the best course for their lives.

Conclusion:

If someone sins against you, whether it be a direct sin against your name or your person, or they simply fail to uphold a Christ-like standard, you are to lovingly approach them about their mishaps. If they do not listen, take another and try again, if they fail to change this time, then take it to the local body of believers (church) and allow the church to confront the situation as a united fellowship of believers. If all steps are exhausted, and no repentance is brought about, then they are to be turned back into the world so that evangelism may take another shot at their soul. They have a choice to surrender for the first time, or humbly return, but either way it is a benefit for the church to remove them.

‌Confrontation is not fun, but at times it is necessary. Giving up means the death of a relationship, or at least how it once was or should be, and it could mean the destruction of your brother or sister.

You see there are 3 solid steps before things become drastic. God is patient, and He is loving. But God is firm, and when the limit has been reach, He is quick.

Everyone deserves second chances. I thank God that He did not stop with a second chance. If they can settle the sin against you, make amends, and be restored between your own relationship and the relationship that they have with God, then you have truly regained your brother.