MOTHER, RADIANT TEACHER
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When we look at pictures of battle and warfare, we usually see men with dirt on their faces and torn battle jackets. When we watch scenes of warfare, we usually hear lots of male grunting. But the picture is incomplete when we're discussing spiritual warfare, for women are not exempt. Women are soldiers in the battle as well.
As wives and mothers, several warfare issues will confront you in particular. And, with the Lord on your side, you can have victory too.
The following guidelines are based on material I've presented to many women's seminars and groups; I am grateful to my wife and the many women who have given me good feedback and helped me sharpen my thinking on the spiritual struggles women face.
The Proper Focus
3 Whose adorning let it not be that outward adorning of plaiting the hair, and of wearing of gold, or of putting on of apparel;
4 But let it be the hidden man of the heart, in that which is not corruptible, even the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price.
To understand where women are especially vulnerable to the enemy's attack, we need to see what the Scriptures indicate a woman's emphasis should be as a wife and mother.
the apostle urges a woman not to place all her attention on her outer beauty. One obvious reason is that no matter how young and attractive a person may be today, time and gravity are against all of us! If we put all of our emphasis on physical beauty, it will lead to disappointment. Our flesh is corrupting.
Instead, Peter calls on a godly woman to develop two qualities of the spirit that will make her more and more beautiful as the years go by, because these things never corrupt. The two qualities that will make any woman extremely beautiful are found in verse 4 (kJv),
"the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit, which is in the sight of God of great price."
By looking at these inner attributes of meekness and quietness-and particularly their opposites -we can see the two areas where a woman is most vulnerable to Satan's influence because they touch on what is deepest within her.
Anger
Meekness as used here in 1 Peter 3 and elsewhere in the New Testament is a gentleness or serenity of spirit. For example, the New International Version translates meekness in Galatians 5:23 as gentleness. The opposite of meekness is anger.
Women get angry just as men do. It's part of what makes us human. But women tend to get angry differently than men, and the kind of anger women are most prone to can make them vulnerable to attacks from the enemy.
that men tend to express anger physically, while women are more likely to express anger verbally' A man's anger is often triggered by a specific event, which causes him to blow up.
A woman's anger, however, is very often born of frustration that builds over time. It may be her husband's indifference to a concern she expresses or a request she makes of him, or perhaps she may have an overall sense of frustration that things at home or at work are not go. ing well, that others are not pulling their share of the load. Let me show jou two types of anger as they're mentioned in Scripture.
First, thumos can be characterized as "turbulent commotion, boiling indignation," anger that flares up and burns out quickly like a match that has been lit. This is a common word for anger that is used in Ephesians 4:31
31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
20 Idolatry, witchcraft, hatred, variance, emulations, wrath, strife, seditions, heresies,
This describes the "Mount St. Helens" type of anger, the one men have the most. This kind of anger blows up, and everybody is devastated by the fallout. The man explodes, and everything is covered with three feet of ashes, but the pressure has been relieved. As men are prone to say,
"There, I got it off my chest. I feel much better." Those around the man may not feel better, but at least he does. The volcano cools, and the man returns to normal (though typically, the volcano is only dormant; it may erupt again some other day).
The other New Testament word for anger I want you to notice is orge. This is "a more settled and long-lasting attitude often continuing toward the goal of seeking revenge." The verb form of this word, with an added Greek prefix, means to be provoked to irritation, exasperation, or embitterment.' The verb can be used in a positive sense, as in Ephesians 4:26
26 Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:
The noun form orge appears in Ephesians 4:31
31 Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamour, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice:
where it is translated as anger, in Colossians 3:6
6 For which things’ sake the wrath of God cometh on the children of disobedience:
20 For the wrath of man worketh not the righteousness of God.
This word is also used to describe the burning of charcoal. You know how charcoal burns. It's hard to start, but once it's truly fired up, it stays real hot long after the meat is done. This is the slow burn, the seething kind of anger that women are especially vulnerable to and must guard against.
I have seen this settled anger in the lives of several women, often in the wives of the men I counsel. That should not be surprising because these men usually have real problems that in many cases drive their wives to distraction in addition to the damage it does in their own lives.
very angry with her husband. Over the years, it was an accumulation of many things, mostly frustration at what her husband was not doing to take his place as leader in the home and be the protector and encourager she wanted him to be. By the time I talked to her, anger had turned into bitterness she got mad at me for suggesting that her bitter attitude had become part of the problem rather than something she was entitled to.
others who work with significant numbers of people recognize that women are generally more emotionally "tuned in" and sensitive than men.' That's a beautiful quality that any man in his right mind would cherish in a woman, but it also leaves women vulnerable to slow, burning anger- and the attacks of the enemy.
Satan would love nothing better than to exploit a woman's frustration with her husband and push her toward the devastating emotion of bitterness.
Then she begins to attack and tear down her husband rather than show him respect, and he will react to her anger. Now the enemy has both spouses bound up, and the children are wide open for harassment.
Anger is such a powerful emotion that the only safe way to handle it is to follow Paul's admonition in Ephesians 4:26. Deal with it quickly, do not let a day pass where it can build and harden into bitterness.
Fear
The second quality Peter commends to godly women is a "quiet spirit."
This does not mean simply choosing not to talk. The idea is a heart that trusts in God and rests in Him. So the opposite of a quiet spirit is a fearful spirit, not a talkative one. It has nothing to do with how much you say, but everything to do with a calm, trusting attitude that dispels fear. Every woman can have such a spirit.
As a woman, are you allowed to fear? Yes, according to Scripture, behavior toward chennaboards, accompanied by fear."
The kind of fear I'm talking about is in verse 6. Again, like the way the NIV translates the last phrase of the verse: "do not give way to fear." This could also be translated as "Don't give in to hysterical fear." When a woman does that, she tends to take things in her own hands- things she wasn't supposed to take on.
Women struggle with a fearful spirit. That's why they get angry sometimes, and that's why they need that quiet trust in God. A woman see so much more than a man sees. She walks into the house, sees a crack in the wall, and knows something should be done. Her husband. however, waits until the roof is blown off and the water is pouring in. Then he says wisely, "You know, honey, we ought to do something about this." His wife is thinking, "Thank goodness. I've been praying you’d do something about this for twenty years!"
A woman's concerns often are justified. Many women have a unique sense of danger and even of a person's goodness or care.
What we call women's intuition is really a woman's heightened ability to discern situations. So it's okay to have concern.
The problems come when those concerns degenerate into fear and anxiety. When fear takes over, we deny God's ability to control the situation and His desire to look after our welfare. If a woman trusts her husband to care for everything, she will surely have times of fear. Is it because husbands are not dependable? Not necessarily. It's that women are to put their trust in God, not in their husbands
5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
Women are to respect their husbands, but they are never told to trust their husbands -not in the way they are to trust God.
This is a vitally important distinction.
Among the fears many mothers have is how they are rearing their children. They wonder how they should discipline them, educate them, spend leisure time with them. I
afraid to discipline her five-year-old son. It seems she had read some articles about child abuse, and was terrified that if she corrected with physical discipline, she would abuse him. This fear paralyzed .
When I talked with her, I saw no symptoms or signs indicating she would be an abusive parent. Her love was genuine and her self-control was obvious. In the meantime, her son was cruising along, getting his way all the time.
I believed the enemy had bound Joyce in irrational fear and was using his intruding thoughts to keep her from exercising her proper role. I discussed with her some of the principles we've been studying in this book, and she seemed to come to a greater peace about the
GIRATIONA
Another critical area where a woman can become angry or fearful is when her husband does not share her concerns or desires for her children. A couple of examples will help illustrate what I mean.
Let's assume for a moment a reasonably typical family: dad, mom, and a teenager. The teenager, Wayne, is starting to use what our grandparents called "sass" or "back talk." This must be dealt with, or it can easily lead to rebellion against authority and eventual disaster.
In this typical home, the mother is the main target of her sassy teenager, both because mom is around a lot more and because Wayne knows what would happen if he talked to his dad like that.
Mom is very concerned about her son, because women have a remarkable ability to look ahead and see how a particular behavior will affect their children long-term. She knows that if Wayne doesn't learn to obey an authority he can see-ie., his parents- he won't be ready to obey an authority he can't see--God.
So this mother says to her husband, "You need to talk to your son." But dad's processes are working differently. First, he doesn’t want a confrontation that forces him to talk about emotions and behavior.
Second, because men tend to look at things like this in a much more sweeping and less carefully defined sense than a woman,
Dad figures that as long as Wayne hasn't run afoul of the law, been tossed out of school, or had some other crisis that would cause Dad to be bothered, everything is fine. So he basically ignores his wife's plea for help in disciplining Wayne.
I've presented this with a bit of a light touch, but there's nothing funny about the fear and/or anger a woman can feel when, deep down, she realizes her husband doesn't share her concerns. A woman caught in the middle like this needs to appeal to her husband as the authority in the home. If he doesn't respond, then his wife has to do the hard thing: release him to the Lord and trust God to bring the right pressure to bear at the right time rather than verbally attacking her husband.
Though it speaks of kings, Proverbs 21:1
1 The king’s heart is in the hand of the Lord, as the rivers of water: He turneth it whithersoever he will.
contains a great reminder about husbands:
Two things change the course of a river: time and pressure. A man tends to push away from him any person who puts pressure on him-including his wife. As a wife, if you relent, releasing your husband to the Lord, He can change your husband's heart because your husband is responding to the right pressure- pressure from God and not from his wife.
In other cases, there may be a legitimate difference of expectations between your husband and you concerning the children's future, work, how the finances should be handled, or a hundred other things. These are times when a husband and wife can help each other see a different side of the issue and sharpen each other's outlook. Of course, a wife may also come to the place where her husband insists on a certain course of action. When that happens, a wife needs to put her trust in the Lord, rest in Him, and release her husband and the issue to God.
Dealing with Areas of Vulnerability
When things don't happen as they should, and plans don't unfold, it's easy for you as a woman to become angry and fearful.
What spiritual resources can you draw on to protect yourself in these areas of vulnerability?
The Proper Trust
One resource every woman has is mentioned in 1 Peter 3:5, where the apostle calls it a mark of a godly woman: trust. The holy women of old
"trusted in God." As I said above, God never asks a woman to trust her husband. Husbands are not trustworthy. If you put your trust in a person, what will happen eventually? You'll be let down.
Most women have a strong NURTURING AND mothering instinct, which many insincere men try to appeal to to flatter women. If two people like this woman with a strong mothering instinct and a man who likes to feel mothered--get married, the woman will mother her husband. The number of such couples are legion. These relationships are doomed because a woman isn't designed to lead her husband. He may like it initially, but before long the husband will resent her mothering.
He may even say to her, "You're just like your mother."
"Yes, but you liked it before we got married," she will reply.
Many women try to protect their husbands from life's consequences, but if they do, they may be just prolonging his immaturity.
I would point you back again to the testimony of Mary in chapter 1 of the book. In a very remarkable way, Mary released her husband to God, to let God deal with him. That's what a wife has to do.
Trust means you believe God has the power and desire to work out things the right way and that His call to submission on your part is wise. Remember, you are not trusting in your husband's actions or innate wisdom but in God's ability to work things to His glory and good through your family situation.
The Proper Submission
A woman who tries too hard to protect her husband or her children can quickly become fearful. But we know that God has not given us a spirit of fear
7 For God hath not given us the spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.
I may not get a lot of "amens" on this one, but I think a second antidote to anger and fear, and a second mark of a godly woman, is proper submission to her husband
5 For after this manner in the old time the holy women also, who trusted in God, adorned themselves, being in subjection unto their own husbands:
6 Even as Sara obeyed Abraham, calling him lord: whose daughters ye are, as long as ye do well, and are not afraid with any amazement.
The husband and father is responsible for leading. Help him if necessary, but let him lead. "Be anxious for nothing" (Philippians 4:6) is a good word to wives here.
I believe anxiety is to the spirit what pain is to the body. What will you feel in your back if you try to lift a car to fix a flat tire? Pain.
Pain is good, because it tells me I am trying to lift a load that's too heavy for me.
"Do not be full of worry about any situation," Paul says. "Don't be anxious." When you feel anxious, respond appropriately. Anxiety is a call to prayer. We may be unable to avoid feeling anxious, but it's wrong to stay anxious. Anxiety never solved anything. What has worry ever done for you except make you sick?
The Proper Ornament
I don't want to overlook the first thing we talked about, "the ornament of a meek and quiet spirit' (v. 4 KM9)
This is a tremendous protection against the anger and anxiety that can overtake a woman, therefore, tremendous protection against the harassment of the enemy Its also, by the way, the third mark of a godly woman that Peter shares in this passage (v. Sa).
The ornament of a spirit that manifests gentleness and assurance in God appeals to men. Demonstrate to your husband and your children such a spirit, and you become a model of how every member of the family can deal with anxiety. And, of course, you find that peas you need to defuse the anger or anxiety in your life.
The "Fiery Trial"
1 Peter 4:12
12 Beloved, think it not strange concerning the fiery trial which is to try you, as though some strange thing happened unto you:
When it comes to spiritual warfare, as a woman you can expect temptation in one other area: crises of all sizes. Peter calls them "Fiery trials." and they will surely come your way. In fact, the apostle tells us we can expect them.
That doesn't mean it's pleasant, however. What can be so painful for a woman about a fiery trial is that sometimes it can come from a source she doesn't expect husband.
When this happens, a woman has to be careful. She can go through her fiery trial either radiating with the glow of God or becoming bitter.
Mary is a great example of a woman who refused to be consumed with bitterness against her husband, or even against God, and to open her. self up to demonic attack.
As believers, we come under attack not in the spirit, for Christ resides there, but in the soul-in our minds, emotions, and wills. Satan can put thoughts in our minds and cause us to feel things that are not true.
Psychologists and other researchers who study male and female behavior conclude that men respond to situations typically with their minds: thinking, analyzing, and crying to move to a point of action; in contrast, women respond emotionally, concerned with relationships among people.
In my own counseling, I have found the difference exists in spiritual warfare too. Women are very susceptible to being attacked in their emotions. Therefore, when you as a woman go through suffering that God allows to refine you, remember the need to guard your soul (1 Peter 4:19). because that’s where Satan will attack. (Men must also be aware of satanic attacks, of course. But it will take a different form than assailing the emotions.)
Paul gives us one example of a woman's emotional vulnerability in 2 Corinthians 11:3
3 But I fear, lest by any means, as the serpent beguiled Eve through his subtilty, so your minds should be corrupted from the simplicity that is in Christ.
where he reminds us that the serpent "deceived" Eve. That is, Eve became strongly convinced in her emotions of the truth of something that was in reality a lie. This is a very real possibility for a woman, and another area in which she needs to be on her guard.
A Mother's Influence
We can't leave this subject without taking a more focused look at the crucial role a mother plays in her family’s life. Allow me to share a few key thoughts with you here.
Time with the Children
One apparent reason a mother is so influential is that generally, she is in the home and, therefore with the children far more than her husband.
So children are likely to pick up on their mother’s attitude toward them, toward their father, toward life in general, and toward God.
I often remind mothers they can display every element of the fruit of the Spirit (Galatians 5:22-23) to their children as they (the moms) allow Christ to live His life through them. We now know that mothers can even affect their children before birth. I know many expectant mothers who read the Word to their unborn children and sing to them.
The First Five Years
There's no way to get around the importance of a mother's influence on her children in the first five years of their lives. Young children need individual attention they can't get in a group setting. Someone has said that if children were meant to be raised in herds, then mothers would have litters!
A mom's most crucial responsibility during these formative years is to teach her children the meaning of the word no.
Now, you may be thinking, Is he kidding? That's it? Let me explain.
If a child is going to learn to obey God, he must learn to yield his will to the will of another. Guess who's the first significant "other" a child encounters? His mom, usually. She's the one who, more than anyone else, begins and completes the all-important job of teaching her children to respond correctly to authority. This is so important that child-rearing is downhill from there once a mother has accomplished this.
Three Vital Qualities
As a mother, you can help your children develop habits and attitudes that will aid them in resisting satanic influence later in life. A mom can focus on three major character qualities with her children: obedience to authority, responsibility, and gratitude. I sometimes ask mothers,
"If you knew you would be removed from your daughter's life when she turns twelve years old, what qualities would you most desire for her to have to prepare her for successful adulthood?" Many suggest one or more of these three qualities, and they are right.
By demonstrating obedience, responsibility, and gratitude before her children, a mother can help to instill Those qualities in her kids.
How do you handle annoyances or disappointments from neighbors, other parents, and church members? Remember, your children are taking clues for their behavior and understanding of right and wrong from your behavior. A key way to model obedience and gratitude is by respecting and responding to your husband.
The influence a mother wields in her home is incredible. Proverbs 14:1
1 Every wise woman buildeth her house: But the foolish plucketh it down with her hands.
is a good verse for moms:
he enemy used Job's calamities to get to his wife, who urged Job to curse God (Job 2:9). Job had to remind her that she was speaking like a foolish person (v. 10). In other words, he was saying to her, "Don't you realize you'll be tearing down Your own house if I take your advice and curse God?"
As I said before, my wife, Elisabeth, has been a terrific mother.
wanted to be like her.
Today she has the joy and privilege of being an intercessor
call her for advice on handling various things.
This is the beauty of a lifelong relationship between a mother and her children, where love and commitment, and trust have built a godly legacy.
As the husband and father of this crew, I feel blessed to be a part of it!
As a team, you and your husband have a great impact on your children. Working together can help you protect the family from evil influences while creating a home where godly influence abounds.
A Wife's Battle Plan
Like the battle plan for men in chapter 9, the following steps are excellent suggestions for any woman who wants to strengthen her walk with Christ. They are the steps Mary (see chapter 1) took to find peace and true freedom in the Lord when her husband was cold and rejecting toward her before he came to freedom in Christ.
1. Seek to have your needs for love, comfort, and companionship fulfilled in Christ. He will meet you in your need.
2. Tell the Lord that although you want to see your husband change, to find freedom in Christ, or whatever your desire is, it is all right with you if this doesn't happen because Christ is enough. Ask the Lord to make you willing if you cannot say this.
3. Pray that God will deliver your husband's deliverance in His time and way (Psalm 46:10
10 Be still, and know that I am God: I will be exalted among the heathen, I will be exalted in the earth.
4. Pray that God will make you the wife you need to be, and that He will love your husband through you.
5. Present your body to God as a living sacrifice to use as He wills
(Romans 12:1-2
1 I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service.
2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.
6. Ask God to make real in your life the truth of 2 Corinthians 5:15
15 And that he died for all, that they which live should not henceforth live unto themselves, but unto him which died for them, and rose again.
Choose to see yourself as dead in Christ, and you'll feel more alive than ever.
7. Occasionally, lay aside your requests and supplications and focus on God’s greatness, power, and love in your prayer life. Read a hymn aloud to the Lord.
8. Seek not just an outward response of love toward your husband but a heart of love to help you avoid the bitterness that can develop and open you up to demonic attack.