The relationship revolution

Introduction

When France was occupied by Germany during WWII, there wasn’t a whole lot of fighting. The Germans moved so fast that the French army was caught by surprise and quickly surrendered so as to avoid a complete bloodbath. But from that point on, the French people developed a resistance movement. Underground organisations sprang up everywhere to frustrate German plans. In some villages they removed all the street signs in order to confuse the German patrols. In local councils, there were secret agents who appeared loyal to the Germans but were really passing on secrets to the underground network. The whole country was filled with spies and all across occupied Europe the same thing was happening. Covert operations, secret resistance, underground meetings. Even after the D-Day landings, when the war was essentially won by the Allies, resistance movements in occupied territories continued until the Germans finally surrendered.

The New Testament describes being a Christian in a similar way. The world has been occupied by a hostile alliance of sin, evil and death. This alliance has suffered a fatal blow - a D-Day landing of sorts with Jesus death on the cross. But while these forces are defeated, they continue to resist. There’s mopping up to be done.

And the bible describes the situation we live in as that time between D-Day and VE day. The time when the decisive blow was struck, and the fighting stops. Jesus victory over Satan, sin and death is certain, but there’s mopping up to be done.

And so during this overlap of the ages - the age of occupation, and the age of liberation, we are called to resist.

Now you might be wondering. Why on earth is Phil talking about WWII and spies and espionage when the passage before us is about marriage. You might be thinking, oh this isn’t going to be one of those awful battle of the sexes things like they used to do in the 90s is it?

It’s funny I think this passage fills both preachers and parishioners alike with anxiety. Parishioners brace themselves just waiting for the preacher to say something offensive, and preachers fret thinking, how can I possibly say anything - this is a minefield?

Seriously though, I realise that some of you may have been tempted to skip church when you found out this was our passage. Some of you may have had this passage weaponised against you.

Why, after everything that has happened between men and women over the centuries, would we want to get tangled up in this?

The first thing to say is that, whatever we find here, we are being told how to live wisely as dearly loved children. God has placed this instruction here for us because he loves us. And we know that because he loved us by taking the form of a servant, laying down his life for us while we were dead in sin - as Paul has already mentioned.

I’m hoping this morning, that we will see how the gospel is good news for men and women, husbands and wives, single and married. I’m hoping we’ll see that the gospel is able to liberate us from from oppressive expectations of our relationships. And I’m hoping we’ll see that Jesus is good news for all of our relationships

So let me pray

pray

Something’s up

Show

Ephesians 5:22–24 NRSV

Wives, be subject to your husbands as you are to the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife just as Christ is the head of the church, the body of which he is the Savior. Just as the church is subject to Christ, so also wives ought to be, in everything, to their husbands.

Explain

Everyone in the ancient world from Aristotle to Archimedes’ dog thought that men were in charge. Ancient people believed that men were by nature stronger, wiser, smarter, and less gullible than women and therefore more suited to authority and leadership. It appears that Paul is just repeating this, trotting out the party line.

But is this standard ancient marriage advice? Is there anything here that might tell us Paul is up to something?

There are 3 things to notice:

Who is Paul talking to? This is not an instruction to husbands. This is not telling husbands, make sure your wives submit. In fact, the bible never tells husbands to do that anywhere. It’s not even an instruction to be passed on by husbands to their wives. There’s no gate-keeping here. There’s no sense that the husband represents the wife. No, Paul is speaking directly to wives, treating them as fully responsible moral agents. As real human beings who can make decisions for themselves. That’s unusual.

Why? Why are wives called to be subject? Is it because men are superior to women? No, there’s no hint that men are more suited to the role of head. There’s nothing about the nature of things. There’s nothing about who was made first or anything like that. No the reason is, Christ is the head of the church so the husband is the head of the wife. Now, we only need to think back to the start of the chapter, to verse 2 to realise that this is also a bit strange. Didn’t Christ sacrifice himself? Didn’t he treat his disciples as more important than himself? Again, something’s up. This is not the usual advice.

Verse 22 comes after verse 21. That might seem obvious but unfortunately these verses sometimes get separated. Look at what verse 21 says. ‘Be subject to one another’. Whatever Paul says next, the goal he has in mind is something that ends up looking mutual - no matter who gets to call themselves ‘head’.

A close look shows us that Paul is up to something here. This is no ordinary ancient marriage advice.

Illustration

A few years ago I found out that during WWII, the British secret service set up a scheme to hide supplies in Monopoly sets. These sets would be sent prison camps in Nazi-occupied Europe to help people escape. At first glance, these boards looked like any other game of Monopoly. They had all the usual properties and spaces. Jail was there, free parking was there, all the utilities were there. But if you looked closely there were signs that these were no ordinary monopoly boards. If there was a full stop after Marylebone Station, the board concealed a map of Italy. A full stop after Mayfair meant a map of northern France was hidden inside. Some games were even sent out with pure gold tokens to enable the prisoners to pay for assistance with their escapes. Others even included real German currency. To a casual observer, these boards were just games. But if you looked closely you could see they were tools of resistance.

Likewise, by paying attention, we can see that these instructions on marriage are also tools of resistance. That becomes even more obvious when we look at what he says to husbands.

Husbands

Show

Ephesians 5:25 NRSV

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

Explain

All the way through these instructions, Paul makes a very careful comparison between the model of Christ’s love for the church and says to husbands, that’s how you must treat your wives. Now again, this is highly unusual for the ancient world. Sure, some marriages were loving, but noone said they had to be. Husbands were encouraged to rule their wives. But Paul says, they are to love, in a particular way.

Ephesians 5:28 NRSV

In the same way, husbands should love their wives as they do their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.

No one ever hated his own body. The point being, self-preservation doesn’t have to be taught, it’s natural. And a husband who serves Jesus should serve his wife’s needs with the same energy he devotes to satisfying his own needs. In fact, more than that. 'Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her’.

Every instruction here is about practical and sacrificial care. Notice there’s nothing about the rights of the husband. There’s nothing about who gets the tie breaking vote in decision making. There’s nothing about who should be the breadwinner or the caregiver. There’s nothing about who should like beer and who should like floral prints.

As my friend Steph, who is a minister down in Melbourne says ‘to read these things into the text is to go beyond Scripture.’

Husbands are just told imitate the one who ‘emptied himself of all but love’ as the hymn says. The one took on the very nature of a servant as Philippians 2 puts it. The one who bent down and washed his disciples feet. The one whose headship looks like slavery.

Paul might be using the language of his day, but this is about as far from ancient marital advice as you can get. What looks like an ordinary board game, is actually an escape kit. And that’s because the gospel of Jesus has the power to transform every single part of our lives from the inside out.

But what does it look like to put this kind of marriage into practice?

Here’s what my friend Steph says...

Illustrate

With my husband Andrew and I, one of the most concrete examples I have of how this principle played out in our lives was when we decided to come to Melbourne. We had both grown up in Sydney. We both have family in Sydney. We thought we’d be serving Jesus and his church in Sydney for our whole lives.

I was finishing college and considering what I do next. Andrew was serving as an Associate Minister and was happy in his job. But one day, one of my lecturers sent me a position description for a role at City on a Hill, Melbourne. When I read it, I felt like whoever wrote ad knew me better than I knew myself. I saw myself in it. I remember coming home and saying: “Andrew, I read about this incredible role today—shame it’s in Melbourne.” To which he said: “Well, why don’t you begin a conversation and see what happens?”

That set us on a path of getting to know Melbourne and getting to know City on a Hill. When it came down to it, Andrew, on the whole, would have been happy to stay in Sydney. I wanted to go to Melbourne. What could Andrew have done? He could have said: “No way, I’m not doing it, we’re going to stay in Sydney.” But as he considered how, as my husband, he could lay himself down and sacrifice himself for my good, he recognised the unique opportunity I had to express my gifts and serve Jesus at City on a Hill. And so, he sought out a job in Melbourne.

Now I know that Steph has also put herself out for Andrew plenty of times too.

That is a marriage where both partners are trying to imitate the self-giving love of Jesus. It’s a marriage where both partners treat one another like human beings made in the image of God, equal in dignity. Where each of them has desires, and needs and an inner life. It’s a marriage where both partners are willing to let go of their position and preference to the other because they know that is what Christ did for them.

Couldn’t we sum that up with verse 21?

Ephesians 5:21 NRSV

Be subject to one another out of reverence for Christ.

Apply

Just as we saw last week with our gardening, there’s so much room here for flexibility and context and personality. This will look different for different couples. It will take some working out. But if we are married, following Jesus means adopting this self-giving, other person centred attitude to our spouse. It doesn’t mean we can’t voice our preferences or have boundaries. What made Andrew’s sacrifice meaningful was that Steph knew that he wanted to stay in Sydney, but without being forced or manipulated, he chose to move for her anyway.

And even if we aren’t married, this other-person-centred way of life is our calling in all of our relationships - but especially here at church with our brothers and our sisters. This gospel way of doing relationships has to touch every relationship. From how we run parish council, to how we run kid’s church, to how we do services at Bill McKenzie gardens to how we think about reaching those outside the church. In every part of our lives together in Christ, we ask, how can we consider others more important than ourselves.

Transition

But all this might leave us with questions though.

If what Paul wants is mutual submission, where both partners of the marriage are putting the other first and being Christ-like to each other, why doesn’t he just say that? Why use the language of head, why call wives to submit if you don’t want to be misunderstood by domestic tyrants throughout the ages?

Why not blow the whole thing?

Well, we might equally say, why didn’t the British army just blast their way into the German POW camps? The answer is, they did eventually. But before that, they had to work underground.

As the pastor Marg Mowczko notes,

“Christian teaching that blatantly undermined or openly subverted the social structures of the day could have been disastrous for the new Jesus movement. The Romans were suspicious of new groups, movements, and religions that threatened social stability. They did not tolerate what they saw as subversive teachers or disruptive groups.”

If Paul had spoken in the language of 21st century egalitarian Australia, we wouldn’t know about it because he would’ve been censored.

But more than that, Paul takes his cues from Jesus. He follows the guerrilla warfare of Christ who undermines evil from the inside, who breaks open the grave from within.

I love how Flemming Rutledge points this out

Illustration - Flemming Rutledge interprets LOTR this way

In Lord of the Rings, there’s a reason why it’s hobbits, the most unassuming and seemingly harmless creatures in all Middle Earth are the ones chosen to go and throw the ring of power into the fires of Mt Doom. It’s because they are the opposite of everything the ring stands for. It stands for pride. They stand for humility. It stands for the desire to control everything. They stand for life’s simple pleasures. It’s because the Sauron and his minions cannot be defeated using their own means that Hobbits must be the ones to destroy the ring.

Likewise, you cannot defeat sin, and evil, domestic tyranny, and oppression with yet more evil. You cannot defeat darkness with darkness. Instead you defeat it with light.

And Paul’s way, the gospel way of liberating is by humble love.

Apply

Now at this point, I do need to say something very clearly: if you are in an abusive situation, you do not have to stay. Nothing in the Bible’s teaching on marriage says that. In fact the whole intent of this passage is to work against abuse. If you need help, you can come to me and I will listen. You can contact Rev. Judy Douglas down the road at St James Holt and she will listen. You can contact Anglicare or the police. You do not have to stay. Leaving an abusive situation is not a failure to love self-sacrificially.

Let me also say very clearly now - if you think you have the right to hit your spouse, to manipulate them, to control their finances, to demand sex, to control their social life, to control their location, or any other aspect of their lives, you are working against Jesus and his kingdom and it’s time to repent.

Transition

Having said all that, I realise it’s easy to speak as a married person as if marriage is normal. I realise life is more varied than that. But this is where we need to see Paul’s most devastating work of subterfuge.

The marriage that really counts

State

The gospel of Jesus relativises human marriage.

Show

Ephesians 5:32 NRSV

This is a great mystery, and I am applying it to Christ and the church.

Explain

Again, look at how Paul interprets Genesis 2 - the definitive statement on marriage in the bible. ‘for this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife and the two will become one flesh.

Paul says, that’s not really about human marriage - ultimately. It’s really about what has happened to us in Jesus. By faith we have become members of his body. We are united to him and he to us.

All other marriages are a shadow of that reality.

Human marriage is not about two people finding happiness together. It’s not supposed to be about our self-actualisation or fulfilment. It’s not ultimately about social stability. But so often, the way marriage has been talked about, it’s been put on this pedestal, as if everyone must aim for it. And when our marriages don’t live up to the hype, we find ourselves crushed, feeling like failures, or wondering why our spouse isn’t upholding their end of the bargain.

And if we’re not married we think, why do I have to miss out? Why am I this second class citizen.

The beauty of the gospel is that it takes marriage of the pedestal, so that we can stop worshiping it. Like every idol, marriage is a good gift, but a terrible god.

And Jesus has come to free us from idols - even supposedly good ones like marriage.

The gospel allows us to see marriage as it truly is - a signpost, pointing to the relationship between Christ and his church. It’s not a ‘must-have’. Paul says that elsewhere in 1 Corinthians. And it’s not the path to true joy, happiness and fulfilment - because Jesus has already said that he is the way.

Marriage is just a signpost on the road. Of course every human marriage falls short, how can it not? No husband loves like Christ all the time. No wife loves like Christ all the time.

But wherever Christians submit to one another out of reverence for Christ, we get a glimpse of the true marriage.

And every single one of us, no matter if we have a spouse or not, is called to work on this marriage.

Conclusion

Imagine a church full of people who consider others more important than themselves. Imagine a church where those who have power give it up for those who don’t. Imagine a church where people with titles like leader are not served, but serve. Where they get down and wash feet, scrub toilets, and care for children.

That’s the gospel vision. That’s the relationship revolution.