Empowered Children and Parents

Background to passage: Following the command for believers to be filled with the Spirit, Paul gives three results: singing together to each other, worshipping internally, being grateful for all things, and submitting to one another. After that Paul starts with the most basic unit that God formed as the foundation of society: marriage between one man and one woman. Next he moves to the remainder of the household with the relationship between children and parents. Remember this is all flowing from walking with the Spirit, being filled with the Spirit, abiding in Christ and his Word as the vine to bear fruit, and keeping in step with the Spirit with moment by moment obedience.

Ephesians 6:1–4 ESV

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.” 4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

Opening illustration: The experiment is often recounted of placing a frog in a pan of cool water on a stove and of slowly increasing the heat. Because the rise in temperature is so gradual, it is imperceptible to the frog, and he remains in the pan even when the water begins to boil. He adjusts to the heat as it rises and eventually boils to death. That process illustrates what has happened to the American family, including many Christian families. The changed values in society have been so gradual that most people have hardly noticed them. Each small change in standards and values seems insignificant in itself. And because adjustments are gradually made to those lowered standards, the danger is not noticed even when the family and society start to disintegrate and crumble. Moral and spiritual standards have gradually eroded until countless families have been literally destroyed.

Main thought: This morning we will look at the commands of God to Spirit-filled children and parents

1) Obey and Honor (v. 1-3)

Ephesians 6:1–3 ESV

1 Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. 2 “Honor your father and mother” (this is the first commandment with a promise), 3 “that it may go well with you and that you may live long in the land.”

1) Obey and Honor (v. 1-3)

Explanation: This is as straightforward as it gets. If you want to please God, do what your parents tell you to do. This is a God-ordained authority in your life. Circumstances are different from the husband/wife relationship. You are still called to put yourself in a position of obedience. This means doing what they say voluntarily. However, there are provisions in the scripture for the discipline of children by parents.

Children, the plain teaching is that it is right and good to obey and honor your parents.

The word honor means to reverence and respect your parents. The teaching is that you obey with your actions, but you honor with your heart. Your desire should be to please your parents. As with wives, this doesn’t apply with parents require things of you that are illegal, immoral, or unbiblical.

Psalm 71:17–18 ESV

17 O God, from my youth you have taught me, and I still proclaim your wondrous deeds. 18 So even to old age and gray hairs, O God, do not forsake me, until I proclaim your might to another generation, your power to all those to come.

Proverbs 6:20–22 ESV

20 My son, keep your father’s commandment, and forsake not your mother’s teaching. 21 Bind them on your heart always; tie them around your neck. 22 When you walk, they will lead you; when you lie down, they will watch over you; and when you awake, they will talk with you.

Illustration: In the TN football game last week (hate to even reference it), there was a call that resulted in a long play for us being called back. Just like in most sports these days, for some things there is instant replay to see exactly what happened, then there are “judgment” calls. These are penalties or outs or lack thereof that are at the discretion of the referee or umpire without the possibility of review. The in game last Sat the referee called a blindside block when it was obviously not blindside, and it was barely a block. Even all the announcers thought it was a bad call. But it was a judgment call. The referee has the authority, and everyone else has to go along. That is the system.

Application: Because this is a command and it requires your submission and obedience, you are responsible for your actions. Your parents will hold you accountable, and God will hold you accountable. There is even more responsibility for those of you who are believers. So, the question is two-fold: do you obey what your parents ask you to do? and are you pleased about it? Often it’s the latter answer that is more difficult.

Matthew 21:28–31 ESV

28 “What do you think? A man had two sons. And he went to the first and said, ‘Son, go and work in the vineyard today.’ 29 And he answered, ‘I will not,’ but afterward he changed his mind and went. 30 And he went to the other son and said the same. And he answered, ‘I go, sir,’ but did not go. 31 Which of the two did the will of his father?” They said, “The first.” Jesus said to them, “Truly, I say to you, the tax collectors and the prostitutes go into the kingdom of God before you.

You must learn to identify the temptation of disobedience that comes as soon as a command is given. Finally, know that there is a blessing for you who obey and honor your parents - things will go well for you and you will live a long life. An unspoken curse follows likewise - if broken relationships are allowed to linger, sorrow will be multiplied for our lack of love.

2) Not Provocation, but Discipline and Instruction (v. 4)

Ephesians 6:4 ESV

4 Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.

2) Not Provocation, but Discipline and Instruction (v. 4)

Explanation: Could be translated as parents, but Fathers had legal rights and primary responsibility, so it was probably directed toward them. He tells them not to provoke them to anger (long-term) suggests a repeated, ongoing pattern of treatment that gradually builds up a deep-seated anger and resentment that boils over in outward hostility. This is directed to children living in the house, but definitely applied to adult children as well, as the parental authority and respect goes further than moving out day. Discipline, instruction, and nurture happening in a Christ-led, loving home is more ideal, but this does not say Christian children and Christian parents. Discipline and instruction has the goal of raising up godly children who follow Christ. As Dave and Anne Wilson’s book says, “There are no perfect parents.”

Psalm 78:4–8 ESV

4 We will not hide them from their children, but tell to the coming generation the glorious deeds of the Lord, and his might, and the wonders that he has done. 5 He established a testimony in Jacob and appointed a law in Israel, which he commanded our fathers to teach to their children, 6 that the next generation might know them, the children yet unborn, and arise and tell them to their children, 7 so that they should set their hope in God and not forget the works of God, but keep his commandments; 8 and that they should not be like their fathers, a stubborn and rebellious generation, a generation whose heart was not steadfast, whose spirit was not faithful to God.

Proverbs 22:15 ESV

15 Folly is bound up in the heart of a child, but the rod of discipline drives it far from him.

Proverbs 23:13–14 ESV

13 Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you strike him with a rod, he will not die. 14 If you strike him with the rod, you will save his soul from Sheol.

Illustration: “In many sectors of this ancient society people did not desire marriage or children, both for economic reasons and for the bother involved. The situation was so bad toward the end of the first century B.C. that the emperor Augustus passed laws against adultery and excessive spending and laws that encouraged marriage and children with monetary rewards.” -NIV APP, “authority is the issue, but whether it should be welded for upbuilding, or abused to destroy, that is the key.” The Minnesota Crime Commission, demonstrating the truthfulness of the biblical view, issued a report which said, in part: “Every baby starts life as a little savage. He is completely selfish and self-centered. He wants what he wants when he wants it: his bottle, his mother’s attention, his playmate’s toys, his uncle’s watch, or whatever. Deny him these and he seethes with rage and aggressiveness which would be murderous were he not so helpless. He’s dirty, he has no morals, no knowledge, no developed skills. This means that all children, not just certain children but all children, are born delinquent. If permitted to continue in their self-centered world of infancy, given free reign to their impulsive actions to satisfy each want, every child would grow up a criminal, a thief, a killer, a rapist.”

Application: Fathers, you are the primary disciplers in your home. You are to ensure that discipleship takes place. If you don’t know how, we can help train you. First thing that you can do is read the scripture or a solid devotional and pray with your children. Let me be the first to admit that have have struggled to be consistent over the years. You can ensure that they are in church each week. You can lead by worshipping in church. You can discuss elements from the service each week, teaching, singing, preaching, etc.

The context here is really obedience and discipline. So, discipline in your home is also your primary responsibility. Often we put moms in the position of being the bad guy as we laugh and have all the fun. Never undermine your wife’s standards for discipline, but also take the initiative in discipline. As this text says, discipline in a way that doesn’t exasperate your children. This doesn’t mean that you are best friends and your discipline shouldn’t make them upset at times. The teaching here is that you don’t be quick tempered and harsh to the point where they are frustrated, believing that they could never please you. Discipline in a Christ-like manner—maintain your composure, control your temper, be reasonable with your expectations and punishments (it will differ with each family, each child). We have had our share of tearful and some heated discussions. We’ve had times where we have made decisions and then decided later to reevaluate after conversation with the girls. As your kids get old discipline in more complex, but still important as you guide them to Christ and following him. There are no guarantees in parenting.

John MacArthur’s 8 ways to cause exasperation:

1. Well-intentioned over protection

2. Favoritism

3. Unreasonable achievement expectations

4. Continual Discouragement

5. Failing to sacrifice/feel unwanted

6. Not letting them grow up at a normal pace

7. Using love as a tool of reward or punishment

8. Physical, verbal, emotional, other abuse

Closing illustration: My family’s all grown and the kids are all gone. But if I had to do it all over again, this is what I would do. I would love my wife more in front of my children. I would laugh with my children more—at our mistakes and our joys. I would listen more, even to the littlest child. I would be more honest about my own weaknesses, never pretending perfection. I would pray differently for my family; instead of focusing on them, I’d focus on me. I would do more things together with my children. I would encourage them more and bestow more praise. I would pay more attention to little things, like deeds and words of thoughtfulness. And then, finally, if I had to do it all over again, I would share God more intimately with my family; every ordinary thing that happened in every ordinary day I would use to direct them to God.

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