05 Hurry up forgiveness

Should we rush forgiveness?

This comes from Chapter 7 and Chapter 8 of Unpacking Forgiveness.

Matthew 18:6 ESV

but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea.

Read the long Bev story here:

Bev and Sue had been close, close friends for years. They lived two blocks apart, and for the last twenty years they had attended the same church. They co-led a mothers’ Bible study for four years. Their husbands fished together; their daughters were born a few days apart. They talked on the phone several times a week.

Recently, however, their friendship broke. Bev suspected that Sue had been talking about her to other women in the church. In Bev’s mind, Sue had always been a bit of a talker, but she now wondered if Sue had been talking about things in Bev’s life that Bev had shared in confidence.

Bev thought about it over and over again.

After tears, prayer, and a lot of mental turmoil, Bev approached Sue. She hated to do it. But she felt that it was necessary to confront Sue about her gossip. Bev was optimistic. She had little doubt in her mind that Sue would own up to her mistakes.

Bev could not have been more wrong. When they sat down to talk over coffee, Sue blew up. With a red face and raised voice, she told Bev that she was being too sensitive and that others had mentioned to her that Bev was overly sensitive. When Bev asked who, Sue refused to tell her. When Bev suggested that Sue should have talked to her directly, Sue said that it was not worth it.

Bev was upset. After a couple of sleepless nights, she and her husband met with an elder in the church. She knew that in Matthew 18:15–17 Jesus said that Christians should first privately confront those who sin against them. Then if the person will not listen, the one offended should take one or two others along the next time. So Bev and her husband asked the elder to go with them to talk to Sue. The elder listened patiently to Bev’s concerns. He asked Bev for permission to pray about it.

A few days later the elder called Bev and suggested she “drop the matter.” He told her, “love covers a multitude of sins” (1 Peter 4:8) and that in this case he believed Bev need not take it to the next step. The elder also warned that a number of young Christians in the church would be hurt if this disagreement were to be pressed further. He reminded Bev that she and Sue had significant influence and told them if they continued to have an unresolved difference, many people could be hurt.

Bev and her husband decided not to push it. But the damage was done, and Bev’s wounds were deep. Bev and Sue did their best to avoid seeing one another. When they were forced to be in contact at all, they barely spoke.

Before we continue:

ASK BUT DON”T ANSWER

Bev is handling this correctly?

Should Bev:

a. Go to Sue’s home at once and hug her.

b. Write a loving note, but at the same time give Sue some space.

c. Keep her distance and not communicate at all.

d. Other.

Read some more

Then tragedy struck. A mutual friend called Bev with the news that Sue’s only daughter, Rachel, had been killed in a car accident. When she got the call, Bev’s knees literally buckled. She sat down in a chair and sobbed. She loved Rachel. She remembered holding her in the hospital. She had rocked her and watched her grow up. Bev could not imagine how Sue would deal with this. And she wondered what she should do, given all that had happened and the tragedy in Sue’s life.

Now answer the same question.

Should Bev:

a. Go to Sue’s home at once and hug her.

b. Write a loving note, but at the same time give Sue some space.

c. Keep her distance and not communicate at all.

d. Other.

Back to Mat 18 .

Remember here they were arguing over who would be the greatest.

Jesus warns:

Matthew 18:5–10 ESV

“Whoever receives one such child in my name receives me, but whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in me to sin, it would be better for him to have a great millstone fastened around his neck and to be drowned in the depth of the sea. “Woe to the world for temptations to sin! For it is necessary that temptations come, but woe to the one by whom the temptation comes! And if your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life crippled or lame than with two hands or two feet to be thrown into the eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, tear it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than with two eyes to be thrown into the hell of fire. “See that you do not despise one of these little ones. For I tell you that in heaven their angels always see the face of my Father who is in heaven.

Jesus was basically telling the disciples that if they were willing to fight in such a way that causes others to stumble - there is great punishment awaiting.

Failure to deal with conflict immediately will cause others to stumble. It is better to gouge out our eyes.

Consider the importance placed on reconciliation in Matt 5:23-25

Matthew 5:23–25 ESV

So if you are offering your gift at the altar and there remember that your brother has something against you, leave your gift there before the altar and go. First be reconciled to your brother, and then come and offer your gift. Come to terms quickly with your accuser while you are going with him to court, lest your accuser hand you over to the judge, and the judge to the guard, and you be put in prison.

What does God want us to do?

Be obedient

Not sin

Worship him

be good stewards

Can you imagine setting aside worship for another activity?

That is how important reconciliation is.

Back to the Bev situation:

Most will say that it is important to reach out when the loss of a child happens.

But both situations should have the same urgency.

Bev and Sue both held onto the matter and they taught a bible study for young people. They were in danger of Matt 18.

This passage in Matt 18 is begging us to hurry to reconciliation

Should you ever just get over it?

Proverbs 19:11 ESV

Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Set against the first part of the lesson just “getting over it” doesn’t seem like a wise thing to do.

Jesus stressed humility in Matt 18 as well as dealing with issues quickly.

Read the Obrien story.

It started out simply, as complicated things often do. On a night long ago, Denis O’Brien walked into a restaurant called the Mousetrap. [He] was looking for friends, and when he found them, he turned to walk out.

A cashier stopped him. Apparently, O’Brien had misplaced a red tab that the restaurant issued to its customers to keep track of their food and drinks. The Mousetrap required a $5 fee for lost tabs, O’Brien was told.

It could have ended there, but it didn’t. O’Brien could have paid the fee, but he wouldn’t. The restaurant could have let him go, but it wouldn’t. Instead, the dispute escalated over a decade into a series of suits and two countersuits in two states and two countries.

The restaurant has gone out of business, but the $5 red tab has grown to more than $165,000.

On that night, Feb 29, 1980, O’Brien, who was then a University of Virginia graduate student in pharmacology, screamed that paying anything would violate his rights because he had eaten nothing and drunk nothing. At the Mousetrap’s request, he was taken by police to the Charlottesville jail. There, a magistrate refused to issue an arrest warrant. O’Brien was released.

O’Brien could have let the matter end there, his indignation justified by the magistrate, but he demanded a printed apology from the restaurant and threatened to sue.… O’Brien’s lawsuits eventually were dismissed for various reasons, writing another possible ending to the incident. But the Mousetrap sued O’Brien after he had moved.… [O’Brien failed to show up for the trial and] … without O’Brien in the courtroom, the jury awarded $60,000 in damages to the restaurant.

[The prosecutor] said O’Brien is to blame for his problems. “All he had to do all these years was come and tell the judge the story. He knew the suit was coming. Had he come to the judge, the judge would have reopened it. He didn’t tell anybody he was in town. He just decided he was going to be clever, I guess.”

O’Brien did not pay the judgment and [the prosecutor] pursued him in Massachusetts courts. O’Brien said that the matter still was not decided when he left the country for New Zealand in 1984.

For nearly seven years, O’Brien found peace from the Mousetrap suit.

But the search for O’Brien had not ended.… On a cool New Zealand evening last October, an officer of the court appeared on O’Brien’s doorstep. He carried papers saying O’Brien, who is now a 42-year-old lecturer in pharmacology at the Central Institute of Technology in Trentham, still owed the $60,000 judgment plus interest.

[As of the time of the writing of this article], the matter is under consideration in a New Zealand courtroom.

Here is a shocking truth:

We do not need to formally resolve every conflict that takes place.

Starting a quarrel over something should be done cautiously

We had better make sure we see the scripture behind this and not just make good reasoning.

Proverbs 19:11 ESV

Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.

Proverbs 12:16 ESV

The vexation of a fool is known at once, but the prudent ignores an insult.

Proverbs 20:3 ESV

It is an honor for a man to keep aloof from strife, but every fool will be quarreling.

1 Peter 4:8 ESV

Above all, keep loving one another earnestly, since love covers a multitude of sins.

Deciding to confront is a matter of wisdom and discernment.

1. Before confronting, ask, “Have I examined myself yet?”

Judge not that you be not judged. Jesus was warning us to evaluate ourselves first. He emphasizes that with the speck-in-the-eye illustration.

2. Before confronting, ask, “How sure am I that I am right?”

Right and wrong are not always clear.

One. If there is clear sin involved - it has to be confronted.

Also, if you think you are always right and know what is going on then you might have a pride problem.

3. Before confronting, ask, “How important is this?”

We had communion this morning. There are a lot of different options for communion bread. We have even used burritos in a pinch.

What if someone thought we should always use burritos and they were in charge of the setup?

Is this an area where conflict is necessary.

4. Before confronting, ask, “Does this person show a pattern of this kind of behavior?”

In The Chronicles of Narnia, you know that there is a point early in The Lion, the Witch and the Wardrobe where the children have a conflict. (If you have not read the Chronicles, you should put this book down and read them at once.) Lucy tells Peter and Susan that she and Edmund have been to Narnia and that it is a real place. Edmund, who was in Narnia with Lucy, treats her horribly. He tries to get Peter and Susan to believe that Lucy is losing her mind, refusing to give up her childhood “pretend” games. Ultimately Susan and Peter decide to approach the elderly professor with whom they have been staying and ask his advice. He asks them, “Does your experience lead you to regard your brother or your sister as the more reliable? I mean, which is the more truthful?” Both Susan and Peter agree that Lucy is more reliable. But Susan is still mystified about whether or not they should confront Lucy further. The professor tells Susan and Peter to drop it.

This is good advice - something that isn’t in character might not be like you see it.

5. Before confronting, ask, “What else is going in the other person’s world?”

Is someone under immense pressure?

Is something going on in their family?

Rules for Dropping it...

Dropping it doesn’t mean talking to everyone else about it.

You don’t alter your behavior because of it either. It is over and gone.

_______________________________________

Principles of Forgiveness:

- Only those who repent get forgiveness.

Proof text. We are to forgive as God forgives and he doesn’t forgive everyone—only those who repent.

- Forgiveness may be granted but consequences may still apply.

Proof text: David was forgiven but the child died and his family experienced violence.

- We need to move with great urgency to deal with issues needing forgiveness.

Proof text: Matt 5:23-25 Leave your sacrifice and go find your brother….

- We do not need to formally resolve every conflict that takes place

Proof text: Proverbs 19:11 “Good sense makes one slow to anger, and it is his glory to overlook an offense.”