My Testimony
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I am in awe of being here. I respect you guys so much and grateful that Johnny asked me to share my Testimony. Honestly, intimidated but grateful.
I have had a position in ministry as either an associate pastor or head pastor for 25 years as of like right now. It’s surprising and shocking because I don’t share my testimony much, I was here two weeks ago when Schaunna shared and what she said was so right, my testimony is really wrapped in other’s testimonies and I don’t want to share their stuff. So this isn’t my whole history . I am currently pastor of New Day Community Church in Stockton. My friend, Phil Gamez is our worship leader.
My testimony though is more about God in me right now, I’m praying that God gives you something through it.
My week, like this very week, began with a new leader at New Day texting me randomly on Sunday night asking if I had a hater. I’m like what are you talking about. Than shares with me that someone randomly out of the blue, texted them that I am a horribly immoral pastor.
When I was a kid, I would get all worried that my friend’s were talking about me behind my back and my parent’s would reassure me that no way, was anyone talking about me, because I am not that important.
Ha! I guess I am now!
Anyway, I assured my friend that I was definitely a sinner but no idea who this person was or what they were talking about. The person alleged a sin that I was like, no way! Part of me was like can I call them up and give them real things I struggle with, but you know Jesus told us the devil is a liar. Look it up, John 8:44 Jesus said lying is the nature of the devil.
Anyway, My friend blocked them and they kept harrasing my friend so he filed a police report.
My wife and I were like what? What?
Can anyone here identify with me about someone taking the extra time to make stories up about them?
The funniest part of course about this lie is that I am a sinner saved by Jesus so if you want to find my failures you can find them!
In 25 years of ministry I have learned that I am nothing without Jesus and their is no success outside of Jesus, that I can not become more valuable to Jesus and I can not lose Jesus because God has claimed me as his own.
33 Who dares accuse us whom God has chosen for his own? No one—for God himself has given us right standing with himself.
34 Who then will condemn us? No one—for Christ Jesus died for us and was raised to life for us, and he is sitting in the place of honor at God’s right hand, pleading for us.
Yet, I can tell you that only God has made me right. I’ll give you some stuff tonight that other’s could say how much of a failure I am, because I want you to see what God has done.
In March of 2020 the pandemic sped up what was already destroying my life. Nothing I did was ever good enough to make me feel like I am a good pastor, and since God has given me a calling as a pastor, than nothing I ever did was good enough as a person.
In the beginning days of the pandemic I had no idea what to do to as a pastor. One person told me I should make quick videos of a good word to share with my church. So I did some facebook live around Easter time, my relatives who all live far away called my parents and asked if I was sick. I’m like damn, I just made a video using my cell phone, I didn’t think it was great but wow. I looked like I was dying.
From toilet paper, to riots, to politics, politics, politics, and failure after failure.
By October almost all the leaders in the church had moved on, and one of my friends died, finishing a long battle with cancer, and I had led our church to do all the crazy online, outside, distance stuff that we had to do back then. Reinventing church every other month it felt like. Our attendance was awful. It wasn’t like it was great before the pandemic.
In my head all I could dream about was the train that runs by my house and if I wanted to jump from the overpass or somehow be standing there. I didn’t know how to get out of failing everyone. I couldn’t quit but death wouldn’t be quitting.
For this time, suicidal thoughts became similar to my old days addicted to pornography, addictive thoughts that would soothe problems I chose not to handle.
Many like to cite Jer 29:11
11 For I know the plans I have for you”—this is the Lord’s declaration—“plans for your well-being, not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope.
But they don’t often cite Jer 20:18
18 Why did I come out of the womb to see only struggle and sorrow, to end my life in shame?
We don’t have to be afraid of God’s word. It’s not all chicken soup, some of it is hard. Jeremiah, a prophet of God, was clincally depressed and yet still used by God. Tonight you can be completely broken, no where close to realizing the promises God has for you and His promises still are true. He can still use you as His follower. He still loves you. And His grace, his forgiveness is bigger than anything.
God still spoke to me, but like Jeremiah I was hurting. And God doesn’t waste our pain.
3 And not only that, but we also boast in our afflictions, because we know that affliction produces endurance,
During this time I started reaching out. I told my wife and she prayed but steadfast encouraged me. I changed where I was working in my second job. I started joining a ministry that had nothing to do with our church except that the son of a member ran it. I went in the midst of the pandemic, completely depressed to help the hurting in this ministry called Takin It To the Streetz. The very first event, I think, the first one I went to I met a pastor, a pastor of the church hosting it in Lodi, a guy named Jason.
This led to a meeting where he came over to New Day, the church I pastor, when it was just he and I and shared and we talked for two maybe three hours.
God promises us,
19 And my God will supply all your needs according to his riches in glory in Christ Jesus.
On that day, at that time, God began answering my prayers. Jason came into my life after a young man who attended my church for years had been murdered, as I was going through the pandemic, and as everything was falling down. I experienced ministry basically alone in making decisions for the church. I was done, and ready to be done, done.
I believe Jason has better friends than me and many of you have known him longer. This isn’t about Jason, it’s how Jesus gave me hope in a very dark time.
I went to gravity, trying to sneak in one night but I took my friend Dave who had been to gravity before and Dave went running up to the front to dance so everyone knew I was there.
That night after Jason finished preaching and I sat at my pew with my head bowed, Jason did something that my own church tradition doesn’t really do, but I knew what it was, He gave me a prophetic word, He came up and spoke into my ear and said, “persevere.”
Persevere. Keep going. That was the hardest thing to hear at the time.
Like an athlete I can list my stats. My win-lost record and it doesn’t impress any pastor. And God said keep going. Keep putting one foot in front of the other. Persevere.
You know, I love to hike. Love it. It’s so easy, it’s one foot in front of the other. You can go a long way if you just don’t stop. Persevere
I’m not sure when but the Lord allowed me after that night to reject suicidal thoughts and turn to gratitude. It’s not easy. It’s a purposeful discipline.
I teach special education and have learned how blessed it is just to be able to talk, to reason, to have working fingers and toes. Yet gratitude didn’t make it happily ever after. Because Jesus isn’t about Happily ever after, Jesus is about following Him.
In the last two years I’ve welcomed so many friends into my life. I also got to know Bobby Luke and be with him in his last year, so my years are still full of hurt too.
I started with telling you about someone who obviously hates me enough to text people about it. The sad part is that with 25 years of ministry I couldn’t narrow down who it is! Sometimes when you help the hurting you make some people really mad. And I know I have hurt people, not been enough, failed others.
But my God is not a failure.
So today, I’m not going to sell you on Jesus. I encourage you to follow Jesus, to persevere because in the midst of Hell, He provided me real peace. In the midst of pain, he gave me purpose.
Today my mom has leukemia. My family isn’t perfect. The church I pastor is small. There are a 1,000 Bible verses I don’t live up to, but My Lord Jesus choose me.
So that I can actually live out some Bible verses:
3 We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.
4 And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.
5 And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love.
If you are a follower of Jesus, He chose you to. He fills your heart to and that hope will not disappoint.
Persevere