Principles of Discipline

Introduction

The topic for tonight is one that is increasingly despised by our culture around us and unfortunately has become despised by Christians who have adopted a worldly mindset about how to conduct their families. No longer is the bible taken at face value and believed for what it says. Some have even gone so far to try and redefine what the bible actually is saying so the topic can be avoided. Many Christians today are merely not submitted to the authority of God in this matter and think they know better than God does. Our topic for tonight is going to be discipline or spanking.

Harold Sala told the following story in his book Train Up a Child and Be Glad You Did:

Newspaper columnist Ann Landers tells of a situation she witnessed between an eleven year old boy and his mother. The boy wanted a piece of cake; Mom said he couldn’t have it. But the boy wasn’t about to take “no” for an answer and became louder and increasingly abusive to his mother.

Finally, the child shouted, “You go to h e double hockey sticks!” as he grabbed the piece of cake and ran out of the room. The mother turned to Ann Landers and said, “He’s going through a phase and it requires enormous maturity on my part not to show anger when he gets like that. Its a real challenge to raise a child these days when the kids are so smart. Don’t you agree?”

Ann Landers didn’t agree with any theory of child raising which refuses to recognize the importance of discipline. “In my opinion,” wrote the columnist, “the theory of permissive upbringing is the most damaging concept ever latched unto by a generation of mixed-up parents. It has produced a shocking number of disturbed and spoiled brats.”

Hulu also recently ran a contest on the best parenting techniques called The Parent Test. The parenting styles included “Intensive,” “High-Achievement,” “Disciplined,” “Free-Range,” “Natural,” “Helicopter,” “Child-Led,” “Routine,” “Negotiation,” “Traditional,” “Strict,” and “New Age. Even though there was an extreme bias against physical discipline, the two styles that made it originally to the finals were the strict and the disciplined styles of parenting which, to varying degrees involved physical discipline.

As you listen to this message you might be thinking all kinds of arguments against what the bible has to say on this topic and that is fine if you are approaching this topic with an open mind willing to consider what the bible actually says, but anything else is merely rebellion against the authority of God. For those who honestly have questions and thoughts, I will try to deal with some of the arguments that might arise in your mind as we go through the texts tonight.

We are going to start with:

Proverbs 13:24 “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: But he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.”

If we are going to understand what this verse teaches, we need to understand the meaning of the individual words that are used.

The Goal of Discipline

The key word in this passage is the word chasten which is the same Hebrew word for chastise and correct found in the book of Proverbs. The Hebrew word musar means to train, discipline. The emphasis of this word is not so much how we train, but why. The world largely doesn’t understand spanking or discipline largely because they have rarely seen it done for the right reason. The parent isn’t supposed to inflict physical pain merely to hurt the child because they are either angry, inconvenienced or embarrassed. Discipline is for the purpose of training our children in right and wrong. That is the ultimate goal of discipline.

This word chastise or chasten does carry a physical component to it: Isa 53:5 “But he was wounded for our transgressions, He was bruised for our iniquities: The chastisement of our peace was upon him; And with his stripes we are healed.” Chastisement is used parallel to wound, bruise, stripes. It is clearly physical chastisement in this passage.

It is very important that spanking be a training opportunity. Again I am not a perfect parent, but I can’t teach you from someone else’s experience. Mine is the only one I know. This is the pattern that I have tried to adopt in disciplining my kids:

send them to their room for a couple minutes

talk to them about what they have done wrong, ask questions, tie their offence to what the bible says (This is where true chastening happens)

administer spanking if necessary

Make sure they know I will always love them and hug on them for awhile

The attitude of Discipline

It is also key to understand that discipline is loving. It is only in a home where love and and discipline are balanced where we find happy secure children. It seems ironic that discipline would be a loving act and it is completely possible to discipline and not be loving; but it is impossible to truly love and not discipline. What is love really? Is it not a desire for the best for your child. Discipline produces children who:

happy well adjusted children who know how to function in society and make something of themselves.

are secure because they know where the limits of their behavior are. Boundaries are comforting. Haim Ginnott “children feel more secure when they know the borders of permissible action.”

are obedient.

who are being trained to make right choices later in life.

who are being taught to take responsibility for their own actions

As parents, we must be careful to make sure our attitude is always right when we discipline our children. It is easy to slip into anger and frustration; but the attitude must be one of love. My recommendation is that you send your children to their room or have them sit down somewhere until you can calm down and then go deal with them.

The tool of discipline

The first word that we need to pay attention to is the word rod.

It should be noted that in General Semitic the basic meaning of שֵׁבֶט (shebet) is stick, staff, sceptre

There is a debate about what you should use to spank your kids. I am just going to give you my opinions here take it or leave it. For years I have spanked with my hand. I had heard arguments against using your hand saying that you don’t want to associate the loving hands with the pain the experience. I don’t really think you can avoid that; however, the text does speak of a stick or rod. So I have transitioned to using a wooden ruler. It has some flexibility to it so it causes pain without leaving a mark. Some suggest a flexible glue stick, paddle ect.

Others have argued that the rod is not meant to be read literally and that it should just speak of parental authority or verbal correction. One blog I read suggested that the rod was actually just supposed to comfort. The basis for this argument is that the same word is used in Psalm 23, thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. However, reading Keller’s book “A Shepherd looks at Psalm 23” he points out that the rod was often used to wack the sheep to get them not to wander off. We cannot ignore other passages in Proverbs that seem to indicate that the effect of the discipline is in fact physical.

Proverbs 20:30 “The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: So do stripes the inward parts of the belly.” The phrase the blueness of a wound isn’t exactly the most precise translation of this phrase. The literal meaning is the stripes of a wound. But the inescapable implication of this verse is that discipline is a physical action.

The response to discipline

Prov 3:11-12 “My son, despise not the chastening of the Lord; Neither be weary of his correction: For whom the Lord loveth he correcteth; Even as a father the son in whom he delighteth.”

(If you aren’t a parent, here is the point you can easily apply to your own life) There are three possible responses to disciplined as highlighted in this verse which talks about the correction of the Lord. This verse will sound familiar to you because it is quoted in Hebrews word for word. When we received discipline and thus when our children receive discipline, we have a choice for how we will respond:

Despise- rebel

Faint or be weary- lose heart, get discouraged

Acceptance

Some parents are afraid to spank their children because they fear their heart will be hardened by it. They might use the example of Pharaoh who hardened his heart under the discipline of the 10 plagues. It is true that some children might harden their hearts. This is why the Father in Proverbs tells his son not to despise the chastening of the Lord. But this is an individual heart attitude. If you have been consistant in your discipline, this is less likely to be the case. And truly, if you don’t discipline you kid you are actually just hardening their heart to do whatever they want to do anyways.

The forms of discipline

I am a firm believer that not everything is a spanking offense and physical chastisement is not the solution for every problem.

Prov 29:15 “The rod and reproof give wisdom: But a child left to himself bringeth his mother to shame.” Discipline develops character Two options rod and reproof.

This verse allows for two types of correction to be given depending on the circumstances, but notice both will lead to wisdom:

the rod- we have already covered what is included in this term.

reproof- notice that reproof is also included here. It isn’t like you have to spank your child for everything that he does. If they are being a little loud in the house, that isn’t necessarily a spanking offense. Reproof is an act or expression of criticism or censure. Sometimes a word is all it takes to correct a child. I know with Levi, he breaks very easily and a harsh look or criticism is all it takes to get him to stop. If you can get his attention. Knowing the difference between when to spank and when not to spank is going to come down to the cause for discipline which is our next point.

The final phrase of this verse implies that if you give attention to your children by discipline they will be wise, but if you are negligent and let them loose without correction, they will bring shame. 1

The cause of discipline

Prov 22:15 “Foolishness is bound in the heart of a child; But the rod of correction shall drive it far from him.”

I have heard it taught actually quite often that foolishness here means sillyness and there is a sense in which this is true because the word means to act or speak thoughtlessly. However, that is not the way the book of Proverbs speaks of foolishness. Foolishness is always the opposite of wisdom. Wisdom leads to life and foolishness leads to death. Foolishness perverts a mans way and the thought of foolishness is sin. The clear indication is that this concept in the book of proverbs is talking about sinful activity contrary to God’s intended plan for life. Psalm 69:5 “O God, thou knowest my foolishness; And my sins are not hid from thee.”

It is not dealing with children being children. Kids like to play, pull pranks, joke around. I do not believe God is a cosmic killjoy wanting to remove all fun and enjoyment from the life of our kids. It is alright for them to be kids. In fact Zech 8:4-6 “Thus saith the Lord of hosts; There shall yet old men and old women dwell in the streets of Jerusalem, And every man with his staff in his hand for very age. And the streets of the city shall be full of boys and girls Playing in the streets thereof. Thus saith the Lord of hosts; If it be marvellous in the eyes of the remnant of this people in these days, Should it also be marvellous in mine eyes? saith the Lord of hosts.” indicates that God loves to see the children playing.

The cause of discipline should be sinful behavior. Here are some guidelines given by Danny Huerta from Focus on the Family to help you decide when spanking is necessary

Spanking may be appropriate when a child is:

In an extremely unsafe situation

Deliberately defiant and disobedient

Severely disrespectful

Spanking is NOT appropriate when a child is:

Simply being childish

Impulsive

Had an accident

When should I discipline

Prov 19:18 “Chasten thy son while there is hope, And let not thy soul spare for his crying.”

Literally this last phrase means “do not desire his death” the implication is that sparing chastening will lead to negative consequences in his life possibly including death. The Hebrew “yes” implies there is a specific time in his life that this needs to be done. This also implies that there is a time when this stops or is no longer effective.

In Prov 13:24 “He that spareth his rod hateth his son: But he that loveth him chasteneth him betimes.” The word betimes is an idiom which literally means be looking for or searching, but the idiom means in the morning or the morning hours of life. Discipline should be more often the younger they are in life and then drift off the older they get.

The benefits of discipline

Spiritual benefit

Prov 23:13-14 “Withhold not correction from the child: For if thou beatest him with the rod, he shall not die. Thou shalt beat him with the rod, And shalt deliver his soul from hell.” The child who submits to the discipline of his parents will likely be able to submit to the discipline of His heavenly Father. Discipline has a spiritual benefit.

2. Moral benefit

Proverbs 20:30 “The blueness of a wound cleanseth away evil: So do stripes the inward parts of the belly.” (results of spanking) blueness of the wound is better translated stripes that wound. Discipline should hurt. Discipline has a moral effect.

Some have argued that spanking values good behavior over a submissive heart and I could somewhat agree with this if all you did was spank your child. But this is an overly simplistic view of the effect of discipline on the heart. How often do the trials of life bring us to a point of submission to God’s authority in our lives. An example of this can be seen in the life of King Manasseh who was one of the worst kings of Israel. In the later years of Manasseh’s life, God brought chastening and physical pain into his life. 2 Chronicles 33:11-13 “Wherefore the Lord brought upon them the captains of the host of the king of Assyria, which took Manasseh among the thorns, and bound him with fetters, and carried him to Babylon. And when he was in affliction, he besought the Lord his God, and humbled himself greatly before the God of his fathers, And prayed unto him: and he was intreated of him, and heard his supplication, and brought him again to Jerusalem into his kingdom. Then Manasseh knew that the Lord he was God.”

Discipline can help draw us back into a relationship with God and humble us before him.

3. Character benefit Hebrews 5:8 “Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered;” I can’t explain to you how Jesus learned obedience and explain the intricacies of the Trinity from this passage, but I can point out that the process by which Jesus learned that obedience was by the things which he suffered. The physical pain of spanking reinforces the idea that sin has consequences. If we want our children to learn to do right, it is helpful for them to also know that sin hurts. It hurt God because it separates us from him. We cannot enjoy an intimate relationship with Him with sin in our heart. It also hurts others. Most sins come at the cost of other people around us. Even some of the most private sins will make their way out into our lives with other people. But sin doesn’t just hurt God and others, it hurts us to. As a parent, I want to develop character in my children so I can spare them the heartache that a life of sin will bring.

Conclusion

Topics like this do not thrill me and they shouldn’t thrill you as a parent either. I don’t think God takes delight in disciplining his children. But it is important to wrestle with this topic if we are going to raise our children God’s way. The world and almost every article you will ever read on facebook or video on Instagram or TickTock is going to tell you exactly the opposite of what God’s word says. As with all these issues I am begging you to trust God that He knows what He is doing.

Romans 12:1-2 “I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service. And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”

There is a battle for the minds of our parents and a battle for the lives of our kids and unfortunately, we are mostly losing that battle.

Next week, we will look at a NT model of Discipline.