Real Relationships: Husbands

Last week we started into a series on relationships. And I warned that this series may feel very pointed. It may feel like I am telling the whole church about your problems, and dealing with them from the pulpit in a way that doesn’t feel very fair to you. So I want to explain myself before we get to that point, again.

Why is this going to feel pointed? Because it is. Everyone in this room is affected by the stuff we are going to get into in the next few weeks, as we look at the relationships that we are already in, the ones we are trying to start, and the ones we have already or want to end.

So this is a pointed series. These messages are from your pastor, to you. Knowing, for the most part, where you’re at.

Our church exists for three purposes.

To Glorify God.

To Equip the Saints.

To Share the Gospel.

This series comes from the heart of the second purpose. If we hear these words, and we make necessary changes in our lives, we will accomplish the first purpose. To Give God glory in our marriages, in our homes, in our lives.

Last week we looked at the beginning and end to marriages. We looked at life, raising children, sex - things that are all better and safer when in a marriage.

Marriage gives you built in excuses for missing things you don’t want to do - it gives you a permanent partner for things that you believe you will struggle with and awkward situations. He who finds a wife finds a good thing.

Ladies, this is the week you have all been waiting for - the week where I set your man straight. Today I am talking mostly to husbands.

Before I get into this, I want to say - I am pretty hard on husbands. I know this about myself. I want you to know this about me. I have a predetermined idea of most things in a marriage, and I think it is the mans fault 82% of the time.

My childhood was fairly chaotic.

When I was born my mom was married to a man who was not my father. When I was very young, mom would remarry a man who would molest us and scar us for life, I moved in with my uncle who was married and then divorced while I was with them, I lived with my grandparents - my grandpa had been divorced a couple of times, my mom told me she knew who my real dad was and so I got to know this other guy who was married and then divorced, in that time my mom had gotten remarried herself and then divorced, I lived with different friends throughout high school, because home life sucked. I watched sisters marry men they shouldn’t have, and eventually I met my biological dad who was married to someone who had been divorced, dad died - she got remarried, and right before dad died, Eden and I got married in the little white church out on the edge of town where we used to gather.

If you’re trying to keep track, that is double digits for marriages that I have witnessed up close and personally.

And many of them - were bad. Relationships that were failing or had failed already.

So when we went into marriage, I knew - we had to do this differently than the things I grew up with. We could take bits and pieces from relationships that we had seen, but a great deal of my experience, not Eden’s necessarily but definitely mine, had to be tossed.

We wanted to have a good marriage, a Christian - Jesus honoring marriage. So we had to do it differently.

So my approach as a husband is different.

And the standard that I hold husbands to, is high.

But I believe God is honored by our marriages.

God is greatly concerned with our relationships.

1 Peter 3:1–7 CSB

1 In the same way, wives, submit yourselves to your own husbands so that, even if some disobey the word, they may be won over without a word by the way their wives live 2 when they observe your pure, reverent lives. 3 Don’t let your beauty consist of outward things like elaborate hairstyles and wearing gold jewelry or fine clothes, 4 but rather what is inside the heart—the imperishable quality of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God’s sight. 5 For in the past, the holy women who put their hope in God also adorned themselves in this way, submitting to their own husbands, 6 just as Sarah obeyed Abraham, calling him lord. You have become her children when you do what is good and do not fear any intimidation. 7 Husbands, in the same way, live with your wives in an understanding way, as with a weaker partner, showing them honor as coheirs of the grace of life, so that your prayers will not be hindered.

1 Corinthians 7:3–5 CSB

3 A husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise a wife to her husband. 4 A wife does not have the right over her own body, but her husband does. In the same way, a husband does not have the right over his own body, but his wife does. 5 Do not deprive one another—except when you agree for a time, to devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again; otherwise, Satan may tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

Ephesians 5:22–33 CSB

22 Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord, 23 because the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church. He is the Savior of the body. 24 Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives are to submit to their husbands in everything. 25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing her with the washing of water by the word. 27 He did this to present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or anything like that, but holy and blameless. 28 In the same way, husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. 29 For no one ever hates his own flesh but provides and cares for it, just as Christ does for the church, 30 since we are members of his body. 31 For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and the two will become one flesh. 32 This mystery is profound, but I am talking about Christ and the church. 33 To sum up, each one of you is to love his wife as himself, and the wife is to respect her husband.

Proverbs 31:10–31 CSB

10 Who can find a wife of noble character? She is far more precious than jewels. 11 The heart of her husband trusts in her, and he will not lack anything good. 12 She rewards him with good, not evil, all the days of her life. 13 She selects wool and flax and works with willing hands. 14 She is like the merchant ships, bringing her food from far away. 15 She rises while it is still night and provides food for her household and portions for her female servants. 16 She evaluates a field and buys it; she plants a vineyard with her earnings. 17 She draws on her strength and reveals that her arms are strong. 18 She sees that her profits are good, and her lamp never goes out at night. 19 She extends her hands to the spinning staff, and her hands hold the spindle. 20 Her hands reach out to the poor, and she extends her hands to the needy. 21 She is not afraid for her household when it snows, for all in her household are doubly clothed. 22 She makes her own bed coverings; her clothing is fine linen and purple. 23 Her husband is known at the city gates, where he sits among the elders of the land. 24 She makes and sells linen garments; she delivers belts to the merchants. 25 Strength and honor are her clothing, and she can laugh at the time to come. 26 Her mouth speaks wisdom, and loving instruction is on her tongue. 27 She watches over the activities of her household and is never idle. 28 Her children rise up and call her blessed; her husband also praises her: 29 “Many women have done noble deeds, but you surpass them all!” 30 Charm is deceptive and beauty is fleeting, but a woman who fears the Lord will be praised. 31 Give her the reward of her labor, and let her works praise her at the city gates.

Colossians 3:18–19 CSB

18 Wives, submit yourselves to your husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. 19 Husbands, love your wives and don’t be bitter toward them.

These scriptures should be quoted in three contexts:

The context we are using right now.

To correct someone of the same sex. (NOT YOUR SPOUSE)

To bless your spouse.

Everything in a marriage should be based from a place of friendship.

Ecclesiastes 9:9 CSB

9 Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life, which has been given to you under the sun, all your fleeting days. For that is your portion in life and in your struggle under the sun.

mans Influence cannot be overstated: Lot and his family. Basic instructions - not all inclusive. Principals, dependent on our personal relationship Instructions for a Christian Husband: 1. Know her. - in the beginning, this is easier. Two things that God says about her: she is a co heir, and she is more fragile.

2. Love her. - as Christ loved the church. "Be my friend"

This is going to be different for everyone. 3. Sacrifice for her.

4. Trust her. 5. Cover her. Take better care of her than she does of herself. See her, know her. Loving, safe, life giving for the Daughter of Christ. Husbands don't make all decisions, is first responsible. Don't get to blame her. The consequences are first ours. Song of Solomon 5:16

“16 His mouth is sweetness. He is absolutely desirable. This is my love, and this is my friend, young women of Jerusalem.” Men become harsh because we are selfish. 1. Domineering and controlling 2. Making more withdrawals than deposits 3. Physically 4. Verbally 5. Public humiliation 6. Not distinguishing sins and mistakes 7. Contractual and not covenantial 8. Not relational 9. No fun

Ecclesiastes 9:9 CSB

9 Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life, which has been given to you under the sun, all your fleeting days. For that is your portion in life and in your struggle under the sun.

10. Men who are inconsiderate Countercultural - not the same as we would be thinking. Loving get as Christ loved the church drives us to a deeper understanding of Jesus Household accountability 1. Relationship with God 2. Considerate of you. 3. Friends.