The Relationship Choice

This is where we make a moral inventory of our defects. What do we feel guilty about? What do we need to change in my life? We prayed and asked God to help us make a list of them.

5th choice: Transformation Choice - Voluntarily submit to every change God wants to make in my life and humbly ask him to remove my character defects.

Up until now we have focused on inward changes that we need to make inside us. Now we will begin to focus on the relationships around us that need our attention.

There are actually two beatitudes that go with this step. They both are about repairing relationships.

Matthew 5:7 GNB

Happy are those who are merciful to others; God will be merciful to them!

This statement is about forgiving those who have hurt us and how we treat them. We will look at this in a moment.

Then Jesus said,

Matthew 5:9 GNB

Happy are those who work for peace; God will call them his children!

or Peacemakers....

This statement is about us working for peace and asking for forgiveness from those whom we have hurt.

Let’s start with those whom have hurt us. You may ask why do I need to forgive others. We handled this pretty good last week but let me give you some reasons. But this is so important that I think it’s a good thing that we are kind of going back to back on forgiveness.

Three Reasons to Forgive

1. God has forgiven me.

Since God has forgiven me, I have to forgive everyone else.

Look what Paul said in Col 3:13

Colossians 3:13 LBP

13 Be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges. Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

You will never have to forgive anyone else more than God has already forgiven you, so we forgive others because of what God has already done. When we experience forgiveness, it should well up so much gratitude in us that it flows out of us.

2. Resentment doesn’t work.

It’s unreasonable, it’s unhealthy, it’s not effective and it only makes you miserable.

Look at

Job 5:2 GNB

To worry yourself to death with resentment would be a foolish, senseless thing to do.

The Bible says that we are foolish when we hold onto resentment.

When you are resenting someone, most of the time, they are totally oblivious to the fact that you are in pain. They have moved in and are just living life.

Look at Job 18:4 where he gets blunt....

Job 18:4 GNB

4 You are only hurting yourself with your anger. Will the earth be deserted because you are angry? Will God move mountains to satisfy you?

Bildad thought he knew how the universe operated, but he actually made a good statement about anger.

Look at this one…

Job 21:23–25 GNB

23 Some people stay healthy till the day they die; they die happy and at ease, their bodies well nourished. 25 Others have no happiness at all; they live and die with bitter hearts.

I don’t want any of you to live or die that way… with bitterness. Are you hanging onto bitterness toward someone? Anger, resentment, hurt… Someone may have hurt you years ago and you are still going over it in your mind… you are rehearsing it over and over. But they have forgotten about it and moved on with life. It’s still making you miserable.

Resentment cannot change the past. It cannot correct the problem. It doesn’t change anything. The only thing resentment does is to make YOU miserable.

The most unhappy people I have ever met, and probably that most of you have ever met are people who are carrying resentment and bitterness towards someone. Every time you see them, that’s all they talk about. Resentment is like cancer. It will eat you alive. It has physical consequences. It has emotional consequences. It has spiritual consequences. It can lead to depression. It can cause physical fatigue.

Holding onto resentment is emotional suicide.

You need to forgive, not just because God has forgiven you but you need to forgive for your own good, your own sake. Resentment doesn’t work.

3. I will need forgiveness in the future.

Jesus said,

Mark 11:25 NLT

But when you are praying, first forgive anyone you are holding a grudge against, so that your Father in heaven will forgive your sins, too.”

IOW, you need to forgive other people because you are going to need forgiveness in the future. You do not want to burn a bridge that you will one day have to walk back across.

Forgiveness is a two way street and if you don’t forgive others, you had better not sin anymore because you will need forgiveness in the future yourself.

How do we forgive others?

Here is how.

1. I have to reveal my hurt.

You have options when it comes to dealing with hurt. You can repress it, suppress it, or you confess it.

First, you can repress it and act like it never happened. The problem is that it never works. Anything that you repress is going to pop out in some other form of compulsion in your life. It’s like taking a bottle of coke and shaking it up, it’s going to come out eventually. You cannot repress it.

You may try to suppress it. You act like it didn’t hurt. You may say something like, it’s no big deal. It didn’t hurt. But if that were true, you wouldn’t remember it.

The third option is that you can confess it. You admit that what they did was wrong. You admit that what they did hurt you and still hurts. You confess it to God.

You cannot get over the hurt until you admit it. So the first things in dealing with pain is to reveal the pain.

You do this by making another list. First you make a moral inventory list. Now you need to make a list of people who have hurt you and what they did so that you can look at it.

Once you have done this step and listed out those who have hurt you, you can go to the next step which is

2. I release the offender.

Don’t wait to feel like it because you never will. Don’t wait for them to ask for forgiveness. They may never ask.

Remember, you are not doing this for their benefit. You are doing this for your benefit. They have probably already moved on with life. They probably are not even thinking about how they hurt you in the past. They may not even be living anymore, but you still need to release them… for your sake. Release each of thise offenders on your list.

How often do you need to do this? How often do you need to forgive someone? Jesus answered that question in Matt 18:21-22

Matthew 18:21–22 NLT

Then Peter came to him and asked, “Lord, how often should I forgive someone who sins against me? Seven times?” “No, not seven times,” Jesus replied, “but seventy times seven!

IOW, don’t even count. It’s a continual action. Forgiveness is not a one shot deal where you forgive and it’s over. Those feelings will come back and you have to forgive them again.

How do you know when you have forgiven them? When it doesn’t hurt anymore. That’s how you know. It just doesn’t hurt anymore. You are not angry anymore. You can think about them without feeling the pain and anger. When you pray for them, you can actually pray for God to bless them. It may take years to get to that point depending on how deep the hurt is. You keep choosing to forgive them until it doesn’t hurt anymore.

Forgiving them does not mean that you allow to keep hurting you. It doesn’t mean going back into an abusive or dangerous relationship. But it does mean that you release those who have hurt you so that you can be healed of the pain.

You reveal the hurt. You release the offender, and thirdly,

3. I replace my hurt with God’s peace.

Paul said this in Col 3:15

Colossians 3:15 NLT

And let the peace that comes from Christ rule in your hearts. For as members of one body you are called to live in peace. And always be thankful.

When you let go of the hurt, you make room for God’s peace to come into your heart. Don’t worry about how unfair it is or how undeserving that they are. They Bible says that there will be a judgement day when people will be held accountable for what they have done. One day God will settle the score and he can do a lot better job of settling the score than you and I.

Meanwhile Paul said this in Romans 12:17-19

Romans 12:17–19 NIV84

17 Do not repay anyone evil for evil. Be careful to do what is right in the eyes of everybody. 18 If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. 19 Do not take revenge, my friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: “It is mine to avenge; I will repay,” says the Lord.

He is telling us not to play God. When we try to settle the score, we are playing God. When you try to administer justice, you are playing God.

You have to release the injustice, the pain, the hurt, the offense so that God can fill your heart with His peace.

There is a Second part of this step.

Not only do we need to forgive the people who have hurt us, but we need to make amends to the people we have hurt. This is way more difficult.

Paul said in Romans 12:18 “Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.” He is not saying to be a people pleaser. No one can please everyone anyway. It means that we need to always do the right thing. We should always treat people the way we want to be treated.

How do we make amends to those we have hurt?

It’s a similar process to what we just did with people we need to forgive. We make a list.

1. Make a list of people I have harmed and what I did.

You know you hurt them and what you did. So ask yourself these questions.

Is there anyone that I have not repayed that I owe a debt to?

Is there anyone that I have broken a promise to?

Is there anyone that I feel guilty of over controlling or being possessive of?

Is there anyone I have been abusive towards? verbally, emotionally, physically?

Is there anyone I have lied to?

You make a list of people you have hurt… through gossip, unkind words or actions, unfair criticism… Make that list.

Next,

2. Think how I would like someone to make amends to me.

That’s a great place to begin… how would I want them to come to me and ask for forgiveness?

Jesus said,

Luke 6:31 NLT

Do to others as you would like them to do to you.

Stop and think. If someone was going to come and apologize to me for hurting me, how would I want them to do it? Then that’s how you do it to others.

Here are some things to consider.

How to ask for forgiveness

When you go to ask for forgiveness from someone, do it at the right time.

Ecclesiastes 8:6 GNB

There is a right time and a right way to do everything, but we know so little!

So don’t just drop a bomb on someone. Don’t do it when they are rushing out the door or just as they are about to go to bed for the night.

You make ask for forgiveness when it’s best for them, not for you.

When you go to ask for forgiveness from someone, do it with the right attitude.

Ephesians 4:15 NLT

Instead, we will speak the truth in love, growing in every way more and more like Christ, who is the head of his body, the church.

How would like to have someone apologize to you? Most likely in private with humility and sincerity. You would want them to say how they had hurt you, admit that they were wrong and not try to justify their actions, not point out any part you had in it, but to assume responsibility for the hurt they have caused you.

That’s what God wants you to do towards the people you have hurt. Do not try to justify your actions, just humbly admit that you were wrong.

When you go to ask for forgiveness from someone, do it without any expectations.

You focus on your part and do not expect anything back from them. If they don’t admit their part in it, that’s their problem. If they don’t forgive you and continue to hold a grudge towards you, it’s still their problem… not yours.

This is about changing your heart.

When you go to ask for forgiveness from someone, do it in an appropriate way.

What does this mean?

Proverbs 12:18 GNB

Thoughtless words can wound as deeply as any sword, but wisely spoken words can heal.

They way you say it determines the way it’s received. If you say it offensively, it will be recieved offensively. Don’t just think about what you are going to say, but how you are going to say it. The tone of your voice makes all the difference int he world.

Will making amends do more harm than good in this situation? You should not attempt to make amends if it will harm or hurt that person or others. Be sure to consider any collateral damage.

Amends doesn’t have to be made face to face or even on the phone. Maybe you need to write out your apology and express yourself in a well thought out way.

When you go to ask for forgiveness from someone make restitution wherever possible.

If you borrowed something, return it. If you owe someone money, pay it back. If you are behind on child support, make a big payment…

You have to understand that the more serious the offense or hurt is, the less likely you will be able to make restitution. There are some things that you just can’t make restitution for.

A sincere apology is also a powerful form of evangelism. One of the big reasons people reject Jesus is not him, it’s people who claim to be Christian and have hurt hem in the past.

Go to that person with the right attitude at the right time, with no expectations and in an appropriate way; and if possible make some form of restitution and admit you were wrong in what you did and ask for their forgiveness.

Refocus my life on doing God’s will in my relationships.

You have to put the past behind you and focus on the future.

Job 11:13 GNB

Put your heart right, Job. Reach out to God.

Get right with God. We have been talking about how to do that for the last 5 weeks. Then he says,

Job 11:15–16 GNB

Then face the world again, firm and courageous. Then all your troubles will fade from your memory, like floods that are past and remembered no more.

There are three steps in this passage to refocusing your life on doing God’s will.

How to refocus my life

Put your heart right… Job 11:13

Reach out to God.

You can’t ask for forgiveness nor can you offer forgiveness without God in your life. He will you the strength to forgive and to ask for forgiveness.

Face the world again.

Start living again.

If you have been hurt, you have to get back out there.

Here is the promise.

Job 11:16 GNB

Then all your troubles will fade from your memory, like floods that are past and remembered no more.

This is the challenge of step 6, healing relationships.

Pray

Salvation

Forgiveness -

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