Round 43. FIGHT! Story

Who knows what an oxymoron is?

It is when 2 words, with very different meanings or emotions are put together.

Bittersweet.

The bible makes mention of one very interesting oxymoron.

Lets first define some words:

Fight.

This is the Greek word “Agon”. It is where our English word agony comes from.

It means: To struggle, conflict, opposition.

Examples:

Colossians 2:1 NASB 2020

1 For I want you to know how great a struggle I have in your behalf and for those who are at Laodicea, and for all those who have not personally seen my face,

1 Thessalonians 2:2 NASB 2020

2 but after we had already suffered and been treated abusively in Philippi, as you know, we had the boldness in our God to speak to you the gospel of God amid much opposition.

Agon speaks of trials, pain and suffering - a powerful negative emotion.

Good.

The Greek word for good is “kalos”.

It means that something is: Beautiful; valuable; commendable.

Let me show you a few verse that use this word:

1 Timothy 4:4 NASB 2020

4 For everything created by God is good, and nothing is to be rejected if it is received with gratitude;

of Himself Jesus said:

Matthew 13:37 NASB 2020

37 And He said, “The one who sows the good seed is the Son of Man,

So this word good means and expresses a very positive emotion.

These 2 words: Good and Fight cannot be more apart.

Yet:

1 Timothy 6:12 NASB 2020

12 Fight the good fight of faith; take hold of the eternal life to which you were called, and for which you made the good confession in the presence of many witnesses.

God identifies an aspect of our christian life that He describes as a “Good Fight”.

And i want you to notice:

Its not saying that YOU/WE are the ones that are good for fighting, its the fight itself that God calls good.

What is the good fight of faith?

It refers to how we contend with various barriers, obstacles or limitations that inhibit our pursuit of God's Kingdom here on earth as it is in heaven.

But it is VITAL to understand that the “good fight” is NOT a violent fight.

Jesus Himself made this clear:

John 18:36 NASB 2020

36 Jesus answered, “My kingdom is not of this world. If My kingdom were of this world, My servants would be fighting so that I would not be handed over to the Jews; but as it is, My kingdom is not of this realm.”

It is a spiritual fight.

Ephesians 6:12 NASB 2020

12 For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the powers, against the world forces of this darkness, against the spiritual forces of wickedness in the heavenly places.

The good fight of faith is fought on many fronts.

The primary areas in our lives where we will experience most of our “fighting” is in marriage.

Now this not mean that marriage is the cause of the fights.

The reason people fight is because of relationship.

You can only fight with a person who you are in a relationship with, even if that relationship is abstract.

So lets talk about marriage:

Lets begin with a question:

Is fighting in Marriage good?

Well we may have an immediate knee jerk reaction and say: No!

Fighting with all its negative emotion cannot be good.

However, what have we just read in the bible shows us that we are being to simple.

Fighting CAN be good. And not only CAN it be good. But when it IS Good, the bible says that its commendably good.

When was the last time a couple was commended for fighting?

Lets try make sense:

We know that married couples fight.

Why do they fight?

Because though a majority of the yoke overlaps, no two yokes are identical.

What is the yoke of marriage?

The yoke of marriage is: Every decision, interaction and idea must be made for the benefit and flourishing of our family.

That, as a goal, is easy enough to agree on. The problem comes when we have different beliefs about the what, how, when, why we archive that goal.

So: What happens when this conflict arises?

Do we fight about it or don't we?

It is good to fight about this? If we do fight about this, how can we make sure that its a good fight?

These are very important questions.

Now, you might raise an objection and say:

What if we don't fight as a couple?

So, you are always in agreement about all things relating to how the kingdom comes?

I highly doubt it.

Here is a more than likely explanation:

You and your spouse don't fight because you or they do not deem their spouses idea as even worth considering.

You don't fight with your spouse because either they have subjugated themselves to you or you have subjugated yourself to them.

And subjugation is not relationship.

Relationships are messy even if YOU are PERFECT!

When God could choose from all peoples of the earth to call out a people of His own and enter into a relationship with them, what did God look for?

Genesis 32:24–28 NASB 2020

24 Then Jacob was left alone, and a man wrestled with him until daybreak. 25 When the man saw that he had not prevailed against him, he touched the socket of Jacob’s hip; and the socket of Jacob’s hip was dislocated while he wrestled with him. 26 Then he said, “Let me go, for the dawn is breaking.” But he said, “I will not let you go unless you bless me.” 27 So he said to him, “What is your name?” And he said, “Jacob.” 28 Then he said, “Your name shall no longer be Jacob, but Israel; for you have contended with God and with men, and have prevailed.”

A healthy relationship that lasts needs good conflict.

Why?

Because when you fight you are showing that you care and value what this person says and thinks.

If I walk home and Allan calls me stupid: Am i going to fight with Him?

No. But if Kim calls me stupid? YES!

Why?

I am in a relationship with her and i value and care about her opinion of me.

So lets us learn HOW to fight.

What makes a fight good?

1: Motive.

1 Thessalonians 2:4 NASB 2020

4 but just as we have been approved by God to be entrusted with the gospel, so we speak, not intending to please people, but to please God, who examines our hearts.

The first thing we need to do with conflict is to decide if its even worth fighting over in the first place.

How can tell if an issue is legitimate or if we are just being disagreeable?

Answer: Does the point of disagreement impact the marriage mission yoke of: Every decision, interaction and idea must be made for the benefit and flourishing of our family?

If it does not then its not worth fighting over. You can discuss it, disagree about it, but not fight about it, not even a good fight.

A couple who fights does not surprise me. What never ceases to surprise me however is the insignificant drool THAT they fight about.

And the reason is: Sin and Pride.

-

Fighting with your spouse is very different from fighting with your enemy.

Your enemy, seeks to win against you so that he can:

1 Peter 5:8 NASB 2020

8 Be of sober spirit, be on the alert. Your adversary, the devil, prowls around like a roaring lion, seeking someone to devour.

Your enemy wants to fight with you so he can destroy you, devour you, ruin you.

The stakes are extremely high and we cannot afford to loose.

Amen?

When a situation that is life threatening arises, we go into a mode or way of thinking that we call Fight or Flight.

Fight or flight is designed with one goal: To keep you alive.

And so when you enter this state, your brain oversimplifies the world and situation, basically only giving you 2 options of response: Fight it or flee it.

In a marriage, since you live together fleeing is not always an option so you default to the only remaining way to survive: You fight!

But because you are fighting to survive, the methods you use, if used against your spouse, will be devastating to the relationship.

PSA: Your Spouse is NOT your enemy!

Your spouse does NOT want to destroy you, they do not want to devour you and they certainly don't want to ruin you.

This is, by far, one of the most wonderful aspects of marriage.

We are in a covenant together than only God can separate through death.

This means that I’m not going anywhere. You are not going anywhere.

And we can fight about this without any fear.

Why does this matter? Because fear prevents a person from thinking logically and soundly.

2 Timothy 1:7 NASB 2020

7 For God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline.

How to fight?

A fight must begin with basic ground rules.

1: The good fight, while it may get a bit ugly, always begins with: Let us reason together:

Isaiah 1:18 BSB

“Come now, let us reason together,” says the LORD. “Though your sins are like scarlet, they will be as white as snow; though they are as red as crimson, they will become like wool.

Why is this so important?

Because the purpose of fighting the good fight in marriage is so that BOTH us can discover WHAT is right not WHO is right.

This means that when we fight: There are things that we are NOT going to do.

Why not?

Because this would win the fight without reason.

1: We are not going to appeal to Authority. ( men)

To “appeal to authority” is a very sneaky way to try and win an argument without reason.

It basically says that I'm right because of my authority.

This is most commonly seen in “Listen, i don't have to explain myself, I'm the man (authority) and my word is Law.

This can also take the form of manipulation like:

“My idea is correct and if you don't think so ill remind you who pays the bills...”

This is incredibly manipulative because they are using their wives sacred obedience to God, to get their own way.

2: We are NOT going to Appeal to emotion (woman).

Husbands manipulate their wives by weponizing the command of wives to submit to their husbands against them.

Manipulative wives do the exact same thing to their husbands by weponizing the command “Husbands love you wives” against them.

The most common manifestation of this manipulation are in the accusatory words: “Don’t you love me?”

Or they burst out in tears.

As instinctive as a mothers instinct is to sooth a crying infant, so to is this for men to sooth the pain of their wives.

3: We are not going to use ad hominion attacks.

This is unfortunately very common in marriage fights.

This is when you attack the character of the person and not their argument.

Or you trivialize their argument based on a character flaw.

“You are just like your mother...”.

Now it might be true, and yes you spouse absolutely does have character flaws: Almost as many as you do!

So the fighting must remain focused on the conflict itself.

3: We are not going to provoke each other.

Galatians 5:26 NASB 2020

26 Let’s not become boastful, challenging one another, envying one another.

A person provokes another also as a form of manipulation.

If they are loosing the reasoning, they will provoke the other person to anger.

Why?

Ecclesiastes 7:9 NASB 2020

9 Do not be eager in your spirit to be angry, For anger resides in the heart of fools.

We WILL:

1: Conclude the discussion for the day, affirming our love for each other.

Ephesians 4:26 NASB 2020

26 Be angry, and yet do not sin; do not let the sun go down on your anger,

2: We WILL make sure than if our conflict was witnessed by the children, that they also witness our reconciliation and celebration of our marriage.

Conclusion:

Is it worth it?

Waking up every day next to your best friend

knowing each day that you truly matter, that you are needed, that you belong, that your heart is in their hands

To know that you are worthy of someone else’s love is humbling and more empowering than anything

millions of choices but I CHOOSE YOU

pray for your name is holy