Do not provoke your Children

Introduction

Parents we all love our children and wants what’s best for them, but tonights message is going to deal with an issue that I think many of us fall short in. There are two passages in the epistles that deal with the exact same command: Do not provoke your children. This is where I fail in my parenting probably more than any other. I believe my kids and I have a loving good relationship, but there are times when I fail to avoid doing the things that could provoke my children to anger.

If you have ever been in the military or the business world, there is a philosophy that says as long as you get the job done it doesn’t matter how you go there. In parenting this translates to as long as you produce hardworking, obedient children, it doesn’t matter how you did it. I don’t think anyone says this but I think most of us are more willing to forgive ourselves for our mistakes in parenting than we are willing to forgive our children for their bad behavior. We passively bought into the lie that the ends justify the means. Passages like these remind us that you cannot parent your children however you want to. There is a right way and a wrong way to do it.

We are going to look at both passages tonight.

Eph 6:4 “And, ye fathers, provoke not your children to wrath: but bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.”

Col 3:21 “Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged.”

I have put both of the verses together into a combined paraphrase so we get the whole teaching on this aspect of our parenting.

Combined paraphrase of these two verses: Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, so that they don’t become discouraged and lose heart, but raise them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord.

Fathers

I am going to take the phrases of this paraphrase and deal with them one piece at a time. The commands of both passages are addressed to fathers. Honestly, I think that the implications of this verse apply to mothers and fathers both. Isn’t it possible for mothers to provoke their children as well. So why is it that fathers are addressed?

Fathers provide the direction of the home

Earlier in vs 22 Wives have already been instructed to submit to their husbands. If a wife is following the lead of her husband, she is going to be tied together in this parenting thing with him. What one does they both are doing. Fathers, you provide the leadership, direction and tone of your home. I know many people say that mothers set the tone or mood of the home and they do, but fathers have just as much influence on the tone and direction of the home.

Early on children look to their fathers for affirmation

Our children in stable two parent homes look to their fathers for affirmation. They want to know that they are making us happy. This is especially true when they are younger, but all that can evaporate if we don’t interact with them in a God glorifying way. Children naturally look to their parents to form their sense of worth. A child who is constantly beat down will feel like they can never do anything right and doubt their value before God.

Children who grow up in harsh homes often struggle with viewing God as a harsh God. Our view of our heavenly Father is often distorted by our earthly fathers. We don’t have to be a victim to that because praise God we do have a perfect heavenly Father who loves us. But it is important how we interact with our children because it does influence their view of God.

Fathers have a responsibility for their children

Fathers this command is given to you because you have a responsibility to obey it. You will be held accountable for how your parenting affects your children. Matt 18:6-7 “But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea. Woe unto the world because of offences! for it must needs be that offences come; but woe to that man by whom the offence cometh!” amplifies how serious this actually is.

You might be thinking “Wo! Jason, why would you be so harsh about this.” I’m not; these were Jesus’ words. How do you think Jesus thinks about our children? If you being fleshly, human parents love your kids; don’t you think Jesus loves them even more?

Provoke not your children to anger

The word provoke here has been translated as exasperate or embitter, but the word comes from the word anger. It means to call out anger in them.

Did you every have a bully in middle school who would constantly taunt you, push you, call you names? If you are like me, you probably felt anger rising up inside of you and you wanted to push back. When I was a kid, my parents enrolled me in Kenpo a Japanese form of martial arts. Well, that first week in school I ended up getting into a fight with a kid because he was taunting me. I thought I was hot stuff, I knew Karate so I fought back. That desire to push back is natural in all of us.

Parents can cause their children to become angry and bitter. Our actions can call forth that emotion in them. Sometimes I think we forget our children are little humans with emotions like ours. Would we want to be treated the way we are treating them? Didn’t Jesus say Matt 7:12 “Therefore all things whatsoever ye would that men should do to you, do ye even so to them: for this is the law and the prophets.” We call this the Golden rule, but does it not apply to our children as well.

Earlier in Eph 4:26 “Be ye angry, and sin not: let not the sun go down upon your wrath:” Paul told the Ephesians to be angry, but not sin. This verse implies it is possible for someone to be angry and it not be a sin. If it is possible for there to be righteous anger, is it not possible for our children to be justified in their anger toward us? There may be times when their anger is more righteous than you attitudes and actions towards them.

So do we stop telling our children to obey because they pout or throw a temper tantrum? When they become a teenager and they slam doors, is that a sign we need to let them do what they want.

This command does not cancel out the obligation for children to obey. This command isn’t saying, “slack off on expecting obedience”, but it does imply there is a wrong way to go about requiring obedience. For a lot of parents it’s all of nothing. We can easily fall into the trap of thinking I have been too harsh on my kids so I need to slack off a little. The verse is not really dealing with the what of parenting but the how of parenting. It doesn’t say stop making your kids obey; rather it says when you make your kids obey, don’t do it in a way that makes them angry.

What things provoke our children?

The bible doesn’t give us a list of things that provoke our children because honestly there are a myriad of things that could be included on that list. The following list is a compilation of observations from other godly men, but every single item in this list is sin. Sin always brings with it relational death. If I lie to you, there is a death of trust. If I beat you, there is emotional and physical pain, both a form of death. If I belittle you, there is emotional death. Proverbs says that life and death are in the power of the tongue. Our words and our actions can do harm or they can do good. Let’s make this practical though. What sins have a strong tendency to provoke wrath in our children?

Injustice- when I punish my children for things they did not do or ignore punishing what has been done to them. Psalm 82:3 “Defend the poor and fatherless: Do justice to the afflicted and needy.” I can be unjust when I walk into a room and some of the children are fighting so I punish all the children. Police academy often used this tactic to teach us to look out for each other, but inherently it is injustice. Punishing the innocent with the wicked. If I don’t take seriously things that were done to them, this also is an injustice. They feel like they have no advocate to defend them.

Undue severity- This one ties into the injustice. Maybe your child does deserve a punishment, but the punishment must always match the crime. This would be like demanding the death penalty for a hungry child stealing an apple. Hab 3:2 “O Lord, I have heard thy speech, and was afraid: O Lord, revive thy work in the midst of the years, In the midst of the years make known; In wrath remember mercy.” God is the perfect judge and in his judgment, God is still merciful. Luke 12:47-48 “And that servant, which knew his lord’s will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. But he that knew not, and did commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.”

Favoritism- Prov 28:21 “To have respect of persons is not good: For for a piece of bread that man will transgress.” To see how favoritism can cause problems in a home, we don’t have to look any further than Jacob and Esau. Throughout the story of these two twin brothers, the text is quite clear that Jacob was Rebecca’s favorite and Esau was Isaac’s favorite child. This led to fighting, cheating, lying between the brothers and it turned Rebecca against her own husband. Parents, you can’t have a favorite child. Expend your efforts to even that balance if you have been guilty.

Misuse of authority- 1 Sam 8:1-3 “And it came to pass, when Samuel was old, that he made his sons judges over Israel. Now the name of his firstborn was Joel; and the name of his second, Abiah: they were judges in Beer-sheba. And his sons walked not in his ways, but turned aside after lucre, and took bribes, and perverted judgment.” This is what led to Israel asking for a king. Jim Berg once said, “No one who has been granted authority is free to use that authority in ways not authorized by God.” Notice the end of the verse says we are supposed to bring them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord. It is His ways we are to guide them in. Our authority is not granted for our pleasure.

Demanding the impossible- Asking a five year old, to watch over his baby sister would be demanding the impossible. What is a five year old going to do if the baby starts choking.

Belittling them- Saying things like, “You never do anything right.” “Put that cupcake down, you are already too fat.” Sometimes belittling can be more subtle. When you someone does something you think they could do better or you don’t like and you start talking about how good you are in that area and you don’t do what they are doing. You are passive aggressively demeaning them.

Embarrassing them- This ties in with the little one and sometimes it is hard to know where the boundaries are between teasing and embarrassing them. But if a joke makes them out to be something shameful and it is made in public, that will embarrass them. Another thing that embarrasses kids is correcting them in front of everyone. Talk to your kids about where those lines should be.

Nagging- Constant nagging produces a situation where children are discouraged either because they cannot please those they love or because they feel they are of no worth to anybody- R. Melick It is possible to be getting on to your children too much. Not every detail is something that is necessary to be dealt with at that moment. Can you trust your kids to figure out how to do somethings or do you have to nag them to do it your way? Micromanaging your kids might get things done your way, but it is destructive in your parenting.

A lack of gospel forgiveness- Every child does bad things; every adult does bad things. Aren’t you glad that even when we were enemies against God, He loved us and made a way so our sins could be forgiven? Well, why don’t we offer the same to our children? Our parenting should model discipline, confession, repentance and forgiveness. Do we continue to hold the sins of our children over their head? If they feel like they can never get forgiveness, they will lose heart. I know in my personal life I struggle with this because of my background. 1 John 1:9 “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” I know this to be true, but there are many times that I have confessed and forsaken my sin, but I feel beaten down, unloved and unforgiven by God. Is that the message we want our kids to get lodged into their heads because of the way we parent? Without a pattern of gospel centered forgiveness in parenting, the child will become secretive and deceitful.

So that they don’t become discouraged

The part of the verse that I brought in from Colossians give us the reason why we should not provoke our children: so they don’t lose heart. If our children get so discouraged and lose heart, they will give up trying to do what is right. Have you ever been in a situation where someone made you feel like you could never do the right thing or meet their expectations? You probably felt like quitting.

I believe this is one of the reasons for the divide between parents and their teens. They grew up thinking they could never please their parents and so they just gave up trying.

Little girl spins and she swirls in her new dress to whatever song plays hoping her daddy will say, you look pretty honey; but he never looks up from his phone, book or computer. She becomes a teen and she starts dressing for the approval of other men in her life. When dad now tries to step in to protect his daughter from predators, she fights back. He lost that battle years ago.

When our children feel they can never please us, they lose heart and look for that approval somewhere else. They stop caring about what we say they should do. They won’t obey because we have lost their heart.

It is crazy how common this actually is. I came across this quote from John Newton.

I know that my father loved me—but he did not seem to wish me to see it.’

If you know the story of John Newton, he lived a very rebellious, sinful life as a slave trader before he was saved. Early in his life, he was press ganged into the royal navy and his father who could have gotten him released refused. Newton’s life from that moment on was one trial after another until God got ahold of his heart.

Don’t beat your children down instead raise them up.

Raise them up in the nurture and admonition of the Lord

The rest of the verse gives the opposite of provoking them. Most of this message has told you what not to do, this part is what you should do. Bring them up- Notice the direction here: Up. We want our kids to be able to stand on their own two feet, head held high serving the Lord. Our goal out to be to look after, care for and prepare them for the life ahead. Do we want them to live in defeat, always feeling like they can never please God? Parents, you impact your young adults view of God.

Nurture- training- we want to train them up the way God wants us to train them. This includes the cultivation of their mind, philosophy and morals.

Admonition- this is the same word that we get nouthetic counseling from. Part of raising children is helping them to learn to make wise decisions. You won’t be there all the time and for the rest of their lives. So we need to prepare them for those moments when they have to make decisions on their own.

But the key here is the last phrase: of the Lord. We want our children to grow up to be godly young men and women.

Conclusion

As parents we are all going to mess up in these areas. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, but what do you do with your mistakes as a parent. It goes a long way toward eliminating the built up anger inside your kids when you admit you did wrong, apologize and ask their forgiveness. Parents, if you are failing in this area I challenge you like me to come to the front tonight and ask God to help us do better. Then go make things right with your kids. No one is above humbling themselves and making things right.