How to Win Friends and Influence People

I Swear

“I swear, by the moon and the stars in the sky...”

Okay, on the count of three, everyone say their favorite swear word. 1… 2… 3...

No? I was kind of hoping just one would shout out, all alone. Maybe next time.

“Stand By Me”

We watched this movie the other day, and there’s a great scene right in the beginning. One of the boys is trying to convince the other that he is telling the truth.

“Do you swear to tell the truth even if your mother goes to hell if you lie.”

But there was one greater than this. Pinky promise. With great solemnity, they interlock pinky fingers. “Pinky promise.”

The “pinky promise” has its origin in Japan wear it is called “yubikiri” or “finger cut-off.”

The implication is: let my pinky be cut-off if I am lying. So beware the pinky promise!

What do they say these days?

Gen-Z Versions:

NGL (Not Gonna Lie)

Straight Facts!

“On God.”

or “No cap.”

Or, most famously, what do they have you do when you go on the stand in court to testify? Raise your right hand, some places they still might have you place your hand on the Bible.

“Do you solemnly swear to Speak the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.”

Recap

Why are we talking about “swears?” Because that’s what Jesus talks about next. Kind of weird.

He’s talking about righteousness in the Kingdom of God, righteousness that goes beyond that of the Pharisees.

Righteousness that is free from anger and contempt… that leads to murder.

Righteousness that is free from obsessive and consumptive desire… that leads to adultery.

Righteousness leads to relationships that our all about how we can give and serve, not just what we can get out of them… and their is the solution to most of our broken relationships, in particular marriage and divorce.

And then… swearing. What is Jesus about here?

Swearing

Matthew 5:33 ESV

“Again you have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.’

This is almost a direct quote out of Leviticus:

Leviticus 19:12 ESV

You shall not swear by my name falsely, and so profane the name of your God: I am the Lord.

What does it mean to “swear falsely?” Well, certainly, if you claim that God said something or commanded something… and He didn’t… that’s what it means to “take the Lord’s name in vain.” Or “to empty purposes.” That’s one of the Big Ones, that’s 10 Commandments.

Exodus 20:7 ESV

7 “You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not hold him guiltless who takes his name in vain.

The name invokes the power, authority and character of the person.

“Hijacking heaven.”

You then create the illusion or impression that God is behind your words… when in fact He is not.

We still use the phrase “hollow speech” or “hollow words” to describe lies and deception.

Another day, years ago, Dylan at 6 or 6 years old made his way over to the neighbor’s house. He knocks on the door and tells the neighbor “My Dad said I could have dinner here.” In he goes, playing with his little friend there, and our neighbor starts dishing up some food.

Fortunately… he also texts me. So close… he almost snagged free dinner in the name of Dad!

You SHALL NOT take the Lord’s name in vain.

But there is a slightly related category of speech that God does seem to allow. Not promising that God has commanded or motivated something… but promising God that you will do something.

Like “swear by God” or “may God strike me down if I don’t.” According to the Old Testament law, this was allowed… but you better follow through, because YHWH certainly would.

Deuteronomy 23:21 ESV

“If you make a vow to the Lord your God, you shall not delay fulfilling it, for the Lord your God will surely require it of you, and you will be guilty of sin.

Better if we read it with God’s actual name in there. It’s personal. YHWH will surely require it of you...

So the people of Jesus’ day had a system. They could “swear by God” (though they wouldn’t use the name). Or a lesser “swear by heaven.” Or still lesser “swear by the temple” or “Jerusalem” or “the altar” or “the gold on the altar.”

Or if you want an even lesser swear, “swear on your head.” That’s a lot like pinky swear, but you don’t want God involved in it… because why? Well maybe you’re less confident that you’ll be able to follow through.

… and Jesus knows the system and calls it out.

Matthew 5:33–36 ESV

33 “Again you have heard that it was said to those of old, ‘You shall not swear falsely, but shall perform to the Lord what you have sworn.’ 34 But I say to you, Do not take an oath at all, either by heaven, for it is the throne of God, 35 or by the earth, for it is his footstool, or by Jerusalem, for it is the city of the great King. 36 And do not take an oath by your head, for you cannot make one hair white or black.

For one thing, Jesus pulls back the “obfuscating layer” here… ALL of these oaths are “by God” whether you say “God” or not. You’re being ridiculous and you aren’t fooling anyone!

Even “on your head”… you don’t actually have control over your head. You get to borrow that dome for a season, it is a temporary vehicle for your soul, a loaner, and God controls and owns every hair on your head.

True of heads. True of pinkies. True of everything you’ve got going on.

But then he says something crazier.

Matthew 5:37 ESV

37 Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.

Swearing vs. Cursing

Sometimes these verses are included to speak about profanity or “cursing.” And we sometimes call those “swear words” just to be confusing. Profanity has a couple primary purposes, with various moral impulses.

Profanity can be used to purposefully offend or insult.

Profanity can be used to express great emotion

Purposefully offending or insulting someone else is almost always wrong. Maybe once in a lifetime as an act of love, to break through to someone who can’t listen to any other means. Maybe. Probably not.

I refrain from the habit of profanity primarily as an act of love to those around me. The Bible does talk about

Expressing great emotion… this is sometimes appropriate, but should never be a habit, lest you accidentally and unnecessarily offend others. “wholesome and encouraging language” which is all about “why you are saying what you are saying.”

There are some examples of authors in Scripture using what could be considered profane or shocking language to express great emotion. Ask me about that later.

That isn’t what Jesus is talking about here. He is referring to oaths, actual “swears.”

There are two aspects to what Jesus is teaching about “righteousness” here in this verse. Two main points. (I see that some of you were worried there would only be one point. Have no fear.)

Telling the Truth

The NASB has it

Matthew 5:37 NASB95

37 “But let your statement be, ‘Yes, yes’ or ‘No, no’; anything beyond these is of evil.

So we are certainly to be people who tell the truth. That is righteousness. Not a law, but something that flows from our character.

That is what it means to be a person of “integrity.” You mean what you say. You do what you say. Your words line up with reality and with who you are.

But there is more to what Jesus is saying here.

Manipulating Others

Matthew 5:37 ESV

37 Let what you say be simply ‘Yes’ or ‘No’; anything more than this comes from evil.

Telling the truth is part of this… it is a requirement… but it’s almost assumed by Jesus.

The contrast that Jesus presents is NOT truth-telling or lying.

The contrast is “simple truth” vs. swearing.

What is swearing? What does it do?

Or perhaps, what am I trying to do?

I have said “yes.” That isn’t enough. Why? Because you don’t believe me. Maybe I have proven unreliable… maybe you just don’t know me. Maybe what I am claiming is hard to believe. Maybe what I am promising to do is really hard to do.

You are reasoning through, maybe weighing how trustworthy I have been previously, how trustworthy people are in general, how likely is the thing that I am claiming… or how difficult is the thing I am promising to do.

How much is it going to cost you to let my will be done? What’s the risk to you?

But you have exercised your judgment… and you don’t believe me.

So what do I do? I clearly have something at stake here. I need you to believe me. Or I need you to take action based on believing me. What can I do to make you believe me, to trust me, to do what I want you to do???

“I swear by the beard of baby Moses!”

Swear to God. Straight facts. No cap. Pinky swear. All the things.

Ultimately I am trying to short-circuit your judgement. I am trying to trump your previous play, your previous decision.

There’s a great uncommon “old” word here: Beguile.

“May God strike me down if I lie!”

We must be people of integrity: faithful and trustworthy in word and action. We must repent of any and all attempts to manipulate and control those around us. Let our “yes be yes” and our “no be no.”

How does this look in our actual lives.

Manipulation: Business and Politics

This book is a best seller and has been since 1936! There are some sincere thoughts in it… but it has a whole lot like “make the other person think the idea is theres.” Manipulation. For fun and profit.

This is difficult. Manipulating others with our words is a tremendously marketable skill.

My brother is a marketer, I like to pick on him for this one. A good marketer or salesman, as he tells me there is such a thing, communicates well and clearly what a thing is and how it can benefit someone who really does need that thing. “Yes, this will help you.” Or “No, this is no good.” If you have a real and helpful product, this is great!

But if you don’t have the best product… or even a good product… or a real product. You can leverage all sorts of “other” things to manipulate people into buying your product or service. You probably don’t have a “By God” message, but how about “By all your future riches” or “all the sex you want” or “buy this or risk your life...” which is “on your head.”

It’s gross… but it’s marketable!

Politicians are famous for “double speak.” Sometimes we call them, or their skilled mouthpieces, “spin doctors.”

How to talk for 5 minutes and not say “Yes” or “No” to a yes or no questions. Bonus points if you can convince people you actually answered the question! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the presidential debates! Yikes.

It’s gross… but it can lead to power!

Jesus says “anything more than “Yes by Yes” and “No be No” “comes from evil.” It is evil to seek to manipulate others by your “swears”… or by anything else.

Or even “from the evil one.” As in Satan, as in snake in the Garden, “did God really say????” “Actually...”

Giving that up is sacrificing some potential influence, some potential power… but it is righteousness and holiness… it is seeking first the Kingdom of God, it is life in the King’s Dominion.

Manipulation: Relationship

How does this work in personal relationship.

Here we come to the source of so many of our conflicts.

Sometimes, with someone, we just disagree, and we clearly communicate our differing opinions, and then rightly judge one another for being wrong. That happens sometimes.

MUCH more often, it is something like this.

For example: I do or say something. They are upset or offended or disgusted by me…

Now. In one case, they could be right. I am a terrible person. Which is easier: the hard work of growing as a person… or just convincing them that I am a better in person?

Way easier to try and manipulate her into believing me. “I swear, that’s not what I meant.”

In the other case. The far, far, FAR more common case :D. There is a misunderstanding or miscommunication or a mistake.

This, quite sincerely, drives me INSANE!!! I want to fix it! I NEEEEED to fix it. They must be made to understand and believe what I said… or didn’t say… or didn’t mean that way.

“I swear, by Solomon’s Temple, I did not say that!”

Alternatively, I could pray to the God of truth to reveal truth… and over many years I could live a life of integrity and character, being faithful… and either that “one thing I said that one time” doesn’t matter anymore, or I am now known to be the kind of person that would never say that thing. Or barring that, in Resurrection, God gives us a rewind/replay option and I can finally… discover that I was actually wrong the whole time.

That sounds hard! It is!

But it is the only true Justice. The only true Justification!

Manipulating them with my “Swear” is wrong. It is obviously wrong if I am doing it deceitfully.

Manipulating them with my “Swear” is also wrong if I am telling the truth. It is not respecting the person, their God-given free will.

And it is not trusting God for my justification.

I “am not” who I am in anyone else’s eyes. Some people’s opinion is VERY important to me… My wife, my kids, my church… of course I care what they think… But it doesn’t define me.

I am who I am in God’s eyes. He crafted and created me, He called me by name, My Name is in His book, and who He Creates and Recreates me to be is who I am forever.

This is your super power, filled by the Holy Spirit, forever righteous in Christ:

Nothing to Prove Nothing to Lose

And here is the incredible power of the Kingdom of God.

Why does this describe a citizen of the Kingdom? Why is this righteousness?

Certainly it is unrighteous to lie and deceive. We are people of integrity, of character, we live out of the righteousness of Jesus Christ who is who He says he is. His Word is life. He is Truth… and Way and Life.

And He says you are in the Kingdom of God. He says you are “Blessed.” “Congratulations!!! You are in the Kingdom of God.” You inherit, you are worthy, you are forgiven, you are loved, you are enough because I had you enough.

And so… you can let go of the need to manipulate others completely.

You don’t need money from them. You don’t need power from their hands. You and an heir forever of the Kingdom of God… and that’s everything.

You don’t have to manage their opinion of you.

Because you are who you are in the eyes of Christ… and that’s it. One day every knee will bow and every tongue confess that Jesus Christ is Lord. That is redemption, that is justification, that is every wrong made right. You don’t have to fix it now… in fact you can’t.

So I don’t care what the neighbors think. I’m not a jerk, I’m not unkind, in fact Jesus is affirming communication here. There is a “yes.” There is a “no.” There is clarity. There can even be argument, be ready at all times with an answer for the truth that you know.

We must be people of integrity: faithful and trustworthy in word and action. We must repent of any and all attempts to manipulate and control those around us. Let our “yes be yes” and our “no be no.”

Don’t need to be somebody when I’m already somebody to you.

Nothing to prove anymore.

Nothing to lose anymore.