Ten Words: Honor Your Father and Mother

Good evening, it is good to be back with you all tonight. I always miss you. It was a good time to get away and relax a bit. Tonight we are continuing to look at the ten commandments. This evening we will be covering commandment 5. It was my original plan to cover both 5 and 6 tonight, but I had too much content for the 5th commandment and not enough time to fully cover the 6th. So, we will probably be done a bit early this evening.

PRAY

Exodus 20:1–11 (NASB95)

Then God spoke all these words, saying,

“I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Egypt, out of the house of slavery.

“You shall have no other gods before Me.

“You shall not make for yourself an idol, or any likeness of what is in heaven above or on the earth beneath or in the water under the earth.

“You shall not worship them or serve them; for I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting the iniquity of the fathers on the children, on the third and the fourth generations of those who hate Me,

but showing lovingkindness to thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments.

“You shall not take the name of the Lord your God in vain, for the Lord will not leave him unpunished who takes His name in vain.

“Remember the sabbath day, to keep it holy.

“Six days you shall labor and do all your work,

but the seventh day is a sabbath of the Lord your God; in it you shall not do any work, you or your son or your daughter, your male or your female servant or your cattle or your sojourner who stays with you.

“For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea and all that is in them, and rested on the seventh day; therefore the Lord blessed the sabbath day and made it holy.

Those are the first 4 commandments…all of them center around our relationship with the Lord, while the last 6 focus on our relationship with others.

Exodus 20:12

““Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you.”

Instead of separating the last 6 commandments into the O.T. significance and N.T. significance, we will just look at the commands in a general sense. The main reason for this is because the significance between back then and today hasn’t changed much....not murdering is not murdering, no matter where or when you live. The same goes with honoring your mother and father. Now, there are some differences between how we live it out, which I will talk about.

What does “Honor” mean?

The American Heritage Dictionary defines honor as “esteem; respect, reverence.”

So, it would not be inappropriate to translate the passage:

Respect, Esteem your father and mother...

The concept of honoring your mother and father is decidedly counter cultural today. There are a couple of reasons for this:

The concept of authority is looked at in an overall negative light.

The breakdown of the family unit.

1. The concept of authority is looked at in an overall negative light.

Hebrews 13:17

“Obey your leaders and submit to them, for they keep watch over your souls as those who will give an account. Let them do this with joy and not with grief, for this would be unprofitable for you.”

When I was in Teen Challenge, one of the forms of disciple that they used were writing “lines.” What this meant was that if you did something stupid, the counselor would assign a particular scripture that related to the rule that you broke. For me, I can’t tell you how many hundreds of times I had to write Hebrews thirteen seventeen.

Our society is in the midst of a culture change…from a “modern” worldview, to a post-modern worldview. Even the church in general is shifting alongside the culture. The modern worldview taught the value to authority and truth, while the postmodern worldview teaches contempt for authority and that truth is subjective. A good example of how the church is also making this change is found on the Christian university campus. On one hand, they claim truth is relative, yet claim to believe in the Bible…a good example of this is seen when a young person truly does have a conversion experience…you will hear them say things like: “Following Christ is the right thing for me, but other people must figure out their own path.” While there is some truth in that…their postmodern worldview, that there is no ultimate authority or ultimate truth really comes to the surface. I will tell you, I think it comes from a genuine belief that one person should never suggest to another person which truth or authority to believe in. While I can appreciate the fact that everyone must make the decision on their own…if someone was dying of thirst…surely we would give them a drink of water. Also, and this is a big one, they embrace the social aspects of the gospel, like caring for the poor and needy, yet they struggle with the fact that Christ is the only way to heaven. As a result of all of that, the idea of authority, in general is greatly diminished…and besides God, who represents authority more than anything…your mother and father. If you truly believe that all authority is oppressive, that will eventually bleed over to how you view your parental authority.

2. The Breakdown of the family unit!

Most of us already know that the family unit, especially here in the Western Hemisphere has been degrading for the past 40 to 50 years.The percentage of single parent household has gone up across the board, but nowhere worse than with the African American community. 3/4 of black kids are born into a single family home. One would think this would be considered a national emergency, as the research is crystal clear…even secular research is is clear that a child raised in a home with a mother and a father has a much better chance at success than with only one parent. Of course, this doesn’t mean that there aren’t exceptions to the rule…because there are…but in general, the biblical model of the nuclear family has proven to be the most effective, by far and away…not even close. However, as the family unit has eroded, it has left many kids and elderly destitute and poor. It was God’s design to set up a system where those who are the most vulnerable could be taken care of.

1 Timothy 5:1–8

Do not sharply rebuke an older man, but rather appeal to him as a father, to the younger men as brothers, the older women as mothers, and the younger women as sisters, in all purity. Honor widows who are widows indeed; but if any widow has children or grandchildren, they must first learn to practice piety in regard to their own family and to make some return to their parents; for this is acceptable in the sight of God. Now she who is a widow indeed and who has been left alone, has fixed her hope on God and continues in entreaties and prayers night and day. But she who gives herself to wanton pleasure is dead even while she lives. Prescribe these things as well, so that they may be above reproach. But if anyone does not provide for his own, and especially for those of his household, he has denied the faith and is worse than an unbeliever.

This is a pretty startling verse, one that addresses the importance of caring for and supporting the members of one’s family…or, in other words, honoring one’s family. But it also addresses the problem of people trying to game the system…those who are taking advantage of the giving nature of the church. I think too many churches have stopped helping folks, as it can seem as though everyone is trying to take advantage.

Back a few years ago, then there was a big uprising, when George Floyd was killed, the black lives matter organisation became an overnight sensation. The charity received 10’s of millions of dollars in donations. I even saw otherwise solid churches and pastors posting the BLM phrase on their social media .

I understand that a lot of people were upset at the death of Mr. Floyd, the video of his death was truly horrendous. There is one problem…well, more than one, but for tonight, we are only talking about one…while there is nothing wrong with being upset at the needless death of Mr. Floyd....it seemed as though most of society just blindly accepted an organisation that was not only openly, and proudly self described Marxist…meaning they were proud of being hardcore communists…as if there were not bad enough…on their website they listed around 13 or 14 core beliefs that the organisation fought for. They openly called for segregation…to separate white and black, they have a very heavy emphasis on affirming gay and trans black people…plus this:

“We disrupt the Western-prescribed nuclear family structure requirement by supporting each other as extended families and ‘villages’ that collectively care for one another, especially our children, to the degree that mothers, parents, and children are comfortable,” the website formerly read.”

Because of the language they use, it is hard for some to understand exactly what they are saying. In other words, it is their stated goal to get rid of the whole notion of a mother and father raising kids…that is what is called a Nuclear family. 1 mom and 1 dad. The number one issue that pops up is that the concept of a mom and dad is not a “Western” idea. It was a concept that has existed since the very beginning of time...

To be honest with you, I view the whole thing as a sign of our times…where an openly racist and communist organisation that wants to get rid of the nuclear family can be on every major network and raise 100 million dollars from companies like Walmart…with very little push back, almost none at all. Of course, there is a reason you don’t hear about them anymore…2 of the founders are in jail for fraud and tax evasion…The BLM organisation is a Perfect example of a postmodern worldview...

So, because of a lack of respect for authority and the breakdown of the family unit, the ethic of honoring your mother and father has come under attack in a viscous way.

What About The Promise?

This commandment is the only one with a promise. After God gives the command to honor your mother and father, He then says:

“that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you.”

When God spoke this commandment to the Israelites, God was referring specifically to the promised land-that if the Israelites honored their mother and father, they would remain in the promised land. If fact, later on in the O.T., when the Israelites were defeated in battle and taken into captivity for a period of time, the prophet Ezekiel listed the breaking of this command as one of the reasons for their captivity

Ezekiel 22:7

“They have treated father and mother lightly within you. The alien they have oppressed in your midst; the fatherless and the widow they have wronged in you.”

The promise that your days may be prolonged in the Land which God gives you is not one of the O.T. biblical promises that transfer to us. I’ve seen people take this command and apply the promise to us living in America. So, what would this mean today…this promise? For that, we can go to the N.T. and look how Paul restates the command

Ephesians 6:1–3

“Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. Honor your father and mother (which is the first commandment with a promise), so that it may be well with you, and that you may live long on the earth.”

Paul changes up the wording a bit. Instead of referring to the promised land, in the N.T., Paul references living a blessed and long life.

It may be well with you (“things will go well for you”) NLT

You may live long on the Earth. (you will have a long life on the earth.) NLT

So, if we honor our mom’s and dad’s, are we guaranteed a trouble free existence and that we will live a long time? Of course not…What this does mean is that in general, honoring your mother and father will bring contentment, despite our situation.

Should we honor and obey an abusive parent?

It would be so much easier if God had asked only that we honor our parents if they are good, kind and loving to us, but the commands of Exodus 20:12 and Ephesians 6 is “Honor your father and mother,” period. There are many hurt and damaged people who find these commands nearly impossible to obey. Should we honor and obey an abusive parent? Where do we draw the line? Abuse comes in many forms. A child can be brought up well clothed and fed with all his needs supplied except for the all-important need for love and approval. No physical harm is ever done to him, yet, as each year goes by, his spirit shrivels up inside him more and more, as a plant will shrivel without sunlight, desperate for the smallest demonstration of affection. Eventually, he grows to adulthood; everything seems to be normal, yet he is crippled inside by the indifference of his parents. Then again, a child’s spirit may be broken at an early age—even though he suffers no physical abuse—by being constantly told that he is useless and a waste of space. Everything he attempts is sneered at until he gives up trying to do anything at all. Because very young children naturally believe what their parents say about them, the child who suffers this treatment will gradually withdraw into himself, retiring behind an invisible wall and simply existing rather than living. These children grow up never suffering physically at the hands of their parents but nevertheless crippled in their spirits. As grown-ups, they find it difficult to make friends and are unable to relate normally to other adults. All of that to say, child abuse can be subtle. There is, of course, the more obvious kind—when a child is neglected, kicked and beaten and, worse still, sexually abused. The damage such abuse causes can last a lifetime. Now for the big question: how do we obey God’s commandment to honor parents who behave with such cruelty toward their own children?

1. Trust that God can use any situation for our good!

2. Be willing to forgive!

Trust that God can use any situation for our good!

Those who have trusted Jesus as their savior have a real Heavenly Father who desires only our good and never to harm us (Jeremiah 29:11). He is “a father to the fatherless” (Psalm 68:5). The Lord will use everything, even horrible acts, for good for those who love Him (Romans 8:28).

Romans 8:28

“And we know that God causes all things to work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose.

When we surrender our will to Him, we will see His work in our life. Trusting God may feel disconnected or impossible for those who have never known what it is to love and trust. Someone in this position need only take one small step toward God saying, “I want to learn to love and trust you—please help me.” Jesus is “meek and lowly in heart” (Matthew 11:29), and we can confidently go to Him and pour out our problems, knowing that He will hear and answer (1 John 5:14-15). It will not be long before any child of God willing to trust Him will begin to sense the Holy Spirit at work in his heart. God will take the heart that has been turned to stone by an abusive childhood and replace it with one of flesh and feeling (Ezekiel 36:26).

2. Be Willing To Forgive!

The next step for someone who has been abused is to be willing to forgive. This, too, will seem to be utterly impossible, especially for those who have suffered the worst kinds of abuse. Bitterness can sink into their souls, weighing them down like iron, yet there is nothing the Holy Spirit cannot soften and cleanse. With God all things are possible (Mark 10:27). Our Lord understands our pain; He “was crucified in weakness, yet he lives by God’s power”

2 Corinthians 13:4

“For indeed He was crucified because of weakness, yet He lives because of the power of God. For we also are weak in Him, yet we will live with Him because of the power of God directed toward you.”

There is no need to fear being honest with God. If you find it difficult to forgive the wickedness of a parent’s behavior, talk to God about it. It is true that unforgiveness is sin, but only deliberate unforgiveness, where we have set our hearts like flint and vowed that never again will we even consider forgiveness for those who have hurt us so badly. A child of God going to his Father for help with something he cannot do for himself will find not an angry, threatening God waiting to punish him, but a Father with a heart full of overwhelming love, compassion, mercy and a desire to help. So, what does honoring an abusive parent look like in real life?

Here are some practical tips:

Be willing to forgive.

A willingness to forgive honors both God and the parent.

Pray for your abuser.

Recognize that we all, at a base level, are sinful beings, in need of forgiveness.

Cultivate an attitude of compassion for the things your parent did right, and express gratitude for even slight efforts to show love.

This means that we should refrain from making disparaging remarks about your parent.

Establish wise boundaries

We can honor our parents or family from a distance, both physically and emotionally. When we forgive, pray for and develop an attitude of compassion, God gets the glory and we are doing our part in keeping the 5th Commandment, even under difficult circumstances.

Christ followers are called to be like Jesus, so, just as Jesus loved us in our sinful state, we can honor an abusive parent. It means showing grace and compassion to those who don’t deserve it so that God is glorified and the obedient are blessed and rewarded. Remember, “Make every effort to live in peace with all men and to be holy; without holiness no one will see the Lord” (Hebrews 12:14).

One thing forgiveness and honor are not, though, is a permanent submission to parental authority. The Bible commands honor but not remaining a prisoner in a dysfunctional family. Families with a destructive cycle of sin are dangerous, and children who break free need to find safety in the family of God—which is every Christian’s true family. Dysfunctional families are fraught with co dependence, addiction, violence, and an absence of safe boundaries. These traits will be like a millstone around the neck, dragging the child toward the same sinful patterns. Removing oneself from an abusive situation is much like overcoming addiction; when a person desires sobriety, he cannot associate with people who abuse drugs Also, in cases in which the grandchildren are exposed to the threat of physical harm or sexual assault, it becomes the adult child’s responsibility to protect their own children. There is no guilt in keeping one’s distance from abusive parents, as long as the separation is not motivated by vengeance. You can honor your parents from afar. Sadly, some parents do not value their children enough to maintain a relationship. The void left by a broken relationship should be filled by Christ rather than pining for a parental relationship that will never be. By focusing on your own relationship with Christ, you can experience real healing. Also, by make sure that our hearts are free from unforgiveness and malice, we are honoring our mother’s and fathers…or, the memory of our mother and father.