The Design of Marriage

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Review

There are many changes we experience in our marriages over time. What’s important for us to not loose sight of is that there are some things that do not change about marriage, and it is these things that will enable us to persevere in our marriages.

Last week we considered the nature of marriage, and emphasized that the bible identifies it as a covenant. God created marriage in the Garden, He stated that it was not good for man to be alone. There were many things Adam was not able to do alone, and so God created Eve from Adam, and we see the first marriage ceremony in Genesis.

The New Testament makes clear that what has always been the case is that our marriages are meant to display Christ’s covenant relationship with His church. That is the purpose of marriage, and it is crucial that we do not substitute another purpose like harmony between husband and wife, our children, companionship etc.

And since the marriage relationship is meant to reflect Christ and His church, we can find great comfort in the New Covenant. Colossians 2:13-14

Colossians 2:13–14 ESV

And you, who were dead in your trespasses and the uncircumcision of your flesh, God made alive together with him, having forgiven us all our trespasses, by canceling the record of debt that stood against us with its legal demands. This he set aside, nailing it to the cross.

Since our sins have been forgiven through Christ’s atonement on the cross, we have hope. And since our marriages are to point to this reality, we need to allow the truths of the New Covenant to encourage us and direct us especially when we are struggling to get along or see eye-to-eye.

But marriage does have a design. Yes, it’s a man and a woman coming together in a covenant relationship, but God has established a design to this relationship. Husbands and wives have roles, and these roles are not identical. The culture will not help us here. We believe that husband and wife are equal. Both are made in the image of God. But our equality exists alongside the fact that we have different roles… different functions that, when we fulfill them, enable us to fulfill our purpose together. To point to Christ and His church.

In summary, we will talk about the responsibility of the husband to lead, protect and provide and the wife’s role to follow and help.

True Freedom

James 1:25 ESV

But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.

What God teaches about the roles of husbands and wives in Genesis, Ephesians and elsewhere is part of the law of liberty.

The world says that we should have the freedom to marry whomever we want stop being married if we want and run our marriage however we want. But what we find, be it in the statistics or in personal experience, this definition of freedom fails to produce freedom. Instead it yields heart ache and bondage.

God, through the loving sacrifice of Christ, provided us freedom from the bondage of sin and the freedom to pursue righteousness. (Rom 6:18). Freedom to be children of God.

So we need to guard against approaching our marriages with an aim to pursue our own agendas. We cannot ask, how can I do what I want and still toe the line with God’s rules? Instead we need to approach our marriages and everything else in life the way

Psalm 119:68 ESV

You are good and do good; teach me your statutes.

Perhaps the most fundamental point to be made when it comes to God’s perfect law of liberty is that God’s design is good. Not just right, but good. And it is in this good design that we will have freedom in our marriages.

Different But Unified

Genesis 1:27 ESV

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

As we noted last week, the purpose of marriage is to reflect the excellence of God as those who are made in His image. And to emphasize what we already said, this makes clear that both husband and wife are equal in value, no matter their gender or authority.

When we get to Gen. 2, we begin to see the differences between husband and wife come to the forefront.

Genesis 2:18 ESV

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good that the man should be alone; I will make him a helper fit for him.”

Genesis 2:20 ESV

The man gave names to all livestock and to the birds of the heavens and to every beast of the field. But for Adam there was not found a helper fit for him.

the woman was created to be a helper fit for him

Genesis 2:24 ESV

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

the man is to leave his family of origin and hold fast to his wife.

It is in these difference that we begin to see the design of marriage. The different roles of husband and wife.

As one commentary I read put it:

The husband is oriented primarily to the task and the wife is primarily oriented to him.

Helper fit for him

What this means

Simply put, this means that Eve was created to help Adam in the tasks God had given him.

Helper is a term of dignity. It is often used to describe God’s function towards Israel

Psalm 121:1–2 ESV

I lift up my eyes to the hills. From where does my help come? My help comes from the Lord, who made heaven and earth.

Hosea 13:9 ESV

He destroys you, O Israel, for you are against me, against your helper.

And the fact the Eve is a helper fit for him means that she is of the same essence… ruling out the animals but pointing out the fact that she complements him… ruling out Adam himself.

What this does not mean

Weakness. helper is not a term of weakness. It is used to describe God and what He does.

Inferiority: Again, both husband are created in God’s image.

Her husband is not her god. God is her God. Wives exist to serve and glorify God, and as wives, they do this by helping their husbands. We will say more about this soon.

What about submission?

Ephesians 5:22 ESV

Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.

Submission is only to one man. Wives submit to your own husbands. Not women, submit to men.

Wives’ submission to their husbands is to be done as to the Lord. She submits to her husband because she trusts Christ. She knows that her husband is not perfect (far from it), Jesus is perfect. Husbands may fail in the area of leadership, which is what makes submitting so difficult for wives, but Christ never fails in leadership.

as to the Lord makes clear that wives’ first allegiance is to Christ and not to her husband. This means that she is not to submit to her husband in any way that violates Scripture.

Something to keep in mind in all of this is that this dynamic in the marriage relationship was established in the Garden and before the fall. So, the differences we are unpacking are not the effects of sin entering the world. Our difficulties and tendencies to resist these differences however, are the product of sin.

Hold fast to your wife

Genesis 2:24 ESV

Therefore a man shall leave his father and his mother and hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

God gave Adam a job to do in the Garden (v. 15).

Genesis 2:15 ESV

The Lord God took the man and put him in the garden of Eden to work it and keep it.

This job can be summed up as provide and protect.

What Paul’s use of this passage helps us understand is that this providing and protecting is especially applied to his wife.

Ephesians 5:25 ESV

Husbands, love your wives, as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her,

This does not explicitly quote Gen. 2, but the context is connected to it. Here, the priority for husbands to love their wives after the order of Christ’s love for His people. This certainly includes provision and protection. But let’s go a little deeper here.

Love your wives as Christ loved the church

Christ was sacrificial

This means there is a willingness to die, if necessary for our wives.

It means we will be willing to swallow our pride

Build up our wives even when you are exhausted

Prioritizing her preferences and desires above our own (some give and take of course)

Husbands are not to play the headship card to get what they want, when they want and how they want it.

Fundamentally, our role as husbands is one of sacrifice for the good of our wives.

Love your wife and love like Christ.

give herself up for her

Why did Christ give Himself up for His bride?

Ephesians 5:26–27 ESV

that he might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, so that he might present the church to himself in splendor, without spot or wrinkle or any such thing, that she might be holy and without blemish.

Just as Christ’s goal in loving His church was her good, the husband’s goal must be the good of his wife.

A mark of this kind of leadership in a marriage is healthy growth and maturity. Wives who are loved like this feel secure in her husband’s love and will thrive spiritually and emotionally.

But there’s more in Eph. 5, where Paul picks up Gen. 2’s one flesh concept:

Ephesians 5:28–31 ESV

In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself. For no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ does the church, because we are members of his body. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and hold fast to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh.”

Husbands are to love their wives as their own bodies

Husband and wife become one flesh, so just as a man would care for himself, he is to care for his wife because they are no longer two, but one.

So practically speaking, if your wife has a bad day with the kids, you had a bad day with the kids. If your wife is struggling with the emotional scars of a troubled childhood, you struggle with her. If your wife is rejoicing over something she learned in women’s bible study or in her own private devotions, you will find joy in that as well.

Empathy, care, sensitivity, patience, action when necessary. Not necessarily things we are naturally inclined to show.

It’s not, husbands ought to be the head of his wife, it’s the husband is the head of his wife.

Husbands can mishandle this responsibility, resist this responsibility, abuse this responsibility, but they cannot avoid it.

Husbands, if you and your wife are having trouble, you not only need to agree to give your marriage attention, but lead they way. If you need counseling, you need to lead the way to the pastor’s office or counselor’s door to get godly, biblical guidance. We cannot be bystanders in our marriages. We are to be the leaders, and when things are not right as can often happen in this fallen world, we lead the effort to address the problems.