The Everyday of Marriage

Review

Husbands and wives are equal in importance and value because they are both made in the image of God and they each have been uniquely designed for their vital role in the marriage.

Equality between husband and wife cannot be mistaken for uniformity. They are called to complimentary and different roles.

Husbands are oriented to the task to lead, protect and provide and wives are oriented to their husbands to help and support.

By fulfilling their roles, husbands and wives display the relationship that Christ has to His church, and in so doing, glorify God in their marriage.

Everyday

What we have also considered from Gen. 2, is that man and woman become one flesh in marriage. Next week, we will consider the topic of sex (merry Christmas), but I found what one author said about the union of marriage: Marriage is the source of the union, sex is the picture of the union and communication is the essence of the union.

Communication, is where the union succeeds or fails. This is not to suggest that unhealthy communication patterns make husband and wife less one flesh, but communication does have an impact on the union thriving or not.

To quote the same author again, communication is the gas that makes the car run. Without it, you’re not going anywhere in your marriage.

So, today we will focus on biblical communication. There will be a class dedicated to conflict resolution, but today we will focus on some general principles.

What makes communication so difficult?

The Role of Husband & Wife in Communication

Since the roles of husband and wife is described so clearly in the Bible, I suggest it is right for us to seek to apply those roles to every aspect of our marriages.

So how should the roles impact how husbands and wives approach communication?Keep in minds that husbands are to lead and wives are to help.

The husband’s leadership in communication

He’s always moving toward his wife in their conversation… always pursuing.

The temptation is to retreat, and be content to let his wife pursue him. This would be an abdication of his responsibility to lead. He’s doing all he can to assure his wife that she is safe to share her feelings, concerns, perspectives, thoughts on decisions that need to be made etc.

Communication takes time. For someone to lead in communication, means time will be made for it. It will be prioritized. It is easy for a significant amount of time to pass in between conversations. Kids, work, church, kids, kids, kids, other…… Husbands need to give thought to the days, weeks, months and beyond to do all they can to ensure time is given for meaningful communication.

The wife’s response to her husband’s efforts to lead in communication

She opens up to him and displays a willingness to be vulnerable because of her trust in God.

There will be times that wives are called to extend trust in communication to her husband that has not yet been earned. Let’s go to 1 Pet. 3:1-2 to see this.

She’s helping him, by letting him know when communication isn’t as it should be. Not talking enough, not about the right things or not in the right way.

We are not suggesting that a wife should not seek to initiate conversation, but the husband is responsible to do all he can to ensure that the communication is healthy… that is God honoring.

So, part of what will help us think through our responsibilities as husbands and wives in communication will be the goals of biblical communication. I want to note here, that this part of our consideration today will be applicable beyond the marriage relationship. Biblical purposes (desires, goals etc.) for communication is for everyone. Yet, we certainly want to be clear on this for communication patterns in marriage.

Purpose #1: Intimacy

Good (God-honoring) communication is the fruit of a healthy union. Outside of marriage, this kind of communication is the fruit of healthy friendships and among those who are brothers and sisters in Christ and it’s what we want to be present among members of a given local church.

But when it comes to the one flesh dynamic that is unique to marriage, much more than mere information transfer is required. If intimacy is our purpose in communication, communicating must be much more than a transaction.

Communication is a tool for discovery (understanding the other better) and self-disclosure (vulnerability).

Vulnerability come more naturally to some than others, but vulnerability is crucial to healthy communication…… to intimacy. We are not called to be this way with everyone, but husbands and wives must be vulnerable with one another to operate as one flesh in our communication.

Sharing our deepest fears and joys with one another

Admitting that you were hurt by what your spouse said

Relating and behaving in such a way that invites vulnerability

Potential Barriers

Different kinds of communication

Husbands and wives can have different ideas of what they’re trying to do in a conversation. How was your day, could be answered by a rundown of the schedule and events or it could be answered by the emotional impact the day had on you…… or a combination of the 2.

What very often happens is that frustration sets in when there was a hope of self-disclosure and only information transfer happens. Or you feel pressured to self-disclose, but you are too exhausted to do so. Give and take here is needed for sure.

Different kinds of communication from Love that Lasts by Gary and Betsy Ricucci

Small talk (did you see the trash cans blew over last night?)

Information exchange (what time will you be home tonight?)

Spiritual conversation (what did you think of the point Pastor Josh made regarding worry from Luke 12?)

Self-Disclosure: (I’m having a hard time with this person at work, but I’m not sure if it’s my assumptions or something about them)

Value sharing (do you think we need to cut back on the kids’ screen time?)

Correction: (they way you spoke to me on the phone today really hurt.)

Communication Styles

Often one spouse is an internal processor

External processor: thinks out loud

Purpose #2: Unity

Agree or Disagree

When we disagree, our goal must still to function as one flesh.

Sometimes this requires one or both to change what we think or feel.

Disagreeing, however is not necessarily unhealthy. Perhaps Prov. 27:17 can be helpful here. The point is, the differences between husband and wife can be part of the power and stability of the marriage.

Unity in disagreement

Focus on understanding.

Consider 1 Pet. 3:7. Literally, live with your wives according to knowledge.

living with your wife with knowledge is described by showing honor to her and recognizing that she shares the same destiny (a fellow heir). She will receive an eternal inheritance in God’s kingdom just like you will… if you are both in Chris.

So living this way with your wife means practically:

that you will not seek to understand her to bolster your own argument in your disagreement.

you’re not seeking to understand your wife in order to convince her of your position.

Don’t seek to understand your wife to make her feel considered before you decide to do what would have done anyway……That’s demeaning and dishonest.

So when it comes to making decisions together, husbands, seek to understand your wife because you love her and you love God. Do this because she’s godly, possesses insight you may not have and because you value her perspective.

Maybe you won’t be able to get on the same page, but if you honor Peter’s admonition in 1 Pet. 3, living with the disagreement will not prevent you from pursuing your one flesh calling.

Purpose #3: Encouragement

Use your words

Consider Eph. 4:29.

This section of Ephesians encourages us to be like God (v. 24)

In the next chapter, we are called to be imitators of God (5:1)

One of the key ways we pursue this is through our speech.

So what I want us to do is to seek to understand 4:29 and apply it to marriage:

Let no corrupt talk come out of your mouths

corrupt means rotten…… of bad fruit

In order to understand what corrupt talk is, we look to the next 3 phrases in this verse which defines its opposite

but only such as is good for building up

our words should contribute to building of the union and oneness of our marriages, not break it down.

as fits the occasion

we need to be sensitive to the occasion, that is the moment when it comes to how we speak to one another.

There are times for encouragement, times for exhortation, times for rebuke, times for comfort, times for no words.

Wisdom is required for the right words for the right occasion.

that it may give grace to those who hear

grace is the end goal of our words

this is showing a kindness to your spouse that he or she may not deserve. One of you will be in a bad mood, and your words will reflect your mood and could very well be directed to your spouse. Instead of responding in kind, you show patience and understanding to your grumpy spouse. That’s showing grace to the one who hears your words.