The Intimacy of Marriage

Review

We considered the roles of husband and wife and how those complimentary and different roles might impact communication:

Husbands, in their responsibility to lead will seek to create and sustain an environment where open, safe, honest communication can take place. Husbands, knowing that communication take time and energy, will be intentional to reserve the time necessary for dialogue to take place with his wife.

Wives, as helpers to their husbands, and most importantly because of their love for God, will extend trust to her husband by encouraging him in his efforts to lead in healthy communication. She will let him know when their communication is lacking, or failing to address important concerns, or is unfolding in an unhealthy way, or is not happening enough.

I think we all acknowledge that communication is difficult, but the one flesh dynamic to our marriages makes healthy, God-honoring communication essential to a healthy, God-honoring marriage.

In our communication we seek to foster intimacy, unity and the encouragement of one another.

This week, we continue to consider the intimacy of marriage, by addressing sex. I suppose it may be difficult for us to imagine a more awkward topic to discuss but critically important. What’s important to recognize s that a large part of why we sense the awkwardness is due to the way our culture has distorted sex. Addiction, pornography, adultery and the casual posture our culture has taken towards sex makes it more challenging to discuss it. At the same time however, it is these cultural realities that make clarity on what the Bible says about sex all-the-more important.

So today we will seek to answer two questions:

What is sex?

What are some prominent challenges to sex?

What is sex?

It is relational

Genesis 4:1 ESV

Now Adam knew Eve his wife, and she conceived and bore Cain, saying, “I have gotten a man with the help of the Lord.”

“knew” or “know” is a common word in the OT. The context of the word’s appearance helps us understand its meaning

cognitive: to know something, possessing understanding (see Ecc. 8:1)

experiential: to know of have knowledge about someone or something as a result of observation or experience. (see na 1:7)

understanding: to comprehend the meaning and nature of something (see 1 Ki 8:39)

Our culture thinks of sex as recreational not relational.

Remember, Gen. 2 connects the sexual relationship between husband and wife as being one flesh. We have suggested that being one flesh is more than the sexual union, but it’s certainly not less or does not exclude it.

Since sex is a picture of the one flesh union between husband and wife, it can reflect the various aspects of our one flesh experience:

passionate

gentle

care and considerate

adventurous

and more

Not so much a solution to marital problems as it is a display of the state of the union

sex is not meant to circumvent conflict, which flies in the face of what the culture says. The culture prescribes a spicier sex life to address marital difficulty. But being careful to not loose the relational foundation of sex, we recognize that our sexual experience takes place in the context of relationship. Again, sex reflects the relationship.

It is Connectional

1 Corinthians 7:3–4 ESV

The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband. For the wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. Likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.

The husband has sole authority over his wife’s body. This would have been assumed in the culture which Paul was addressing.

That the wife has the same authority over her husband’s body would have been unexpected to say the least.

When we get married we hand the keys of our body over to our spouse. We do this because we know he or she loves us. It is important to note what these verses are emphasizing here as we think through their implications. The emphasis our obligation to give love not our right to demand it.

As much as it is true that we have been given authority over our spouse’s body, it is equally true that the mutual obligation to give love to each other precludes either person from being content in engaging in sex if the other is hesitant. Relational problems that are effecting our sex lives must be addressed through communication, repentance, reconciliation etc. Being tired, not in the mood, sick etc. are all part of the realities in play when giving one another pleasure and not demanding it.

Keep in mind what verse 5 says:

1 Corinthians 7:5 ESV

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

So, when there are issues in the relationship that must be addressed, certainly husband and wife and agree to refrain in order to seek the Lord together. But this is meant to be temporary.

The connectional nature of the marriage relationship that sex displays brings vulnerability to the forefront. Giving authority over our bodies to our spouses is a vulnerable act, but what we must have in view here is that our love for God and for one another is the protection we have in our vulnerability. And this vulnerability is good. It is sweet. It is pleasurable.

And this brings us to a final point in our answer to the question, what is sex. It is relational, it is connectional and it is

It is Pleasurable

The joy

each other’s bodies (Prov. 5:18-19; Song of Solomon 1:2)

Of course, this is meant to be private. This also means that certain aspects of reflecting Christ’s relationship to His church has its private scenes.

But seeing our enjoyment of the pleasure of sex as connected to the fact that our marriages are reflections of Christ’s relationship to His church means we will understand this pleasure as a shadow or an emblem of something greater to come.

Protecting the joy

Consider Heb. 13:4-5.

Notice that the author puts the sexual relationship of husband and wife next to the love of money.

Those two issues, sex and money, are often challenges addressed in the marital counseling room. Agreement, in other words on these two issues do not often come easily.

Notice v. 4: The author is commanding married people to regard the covenant relationship that is their marriage with honor or to esteem it with great respect. A key factor in our esteeming of our marriages is our sex lives. The marriage bed is a reference to sexual morality. It is literally the place where sexual relations occur. The call here is to keep our sexual relationship undefiled, that is untainted or uncorrupted. How do we do this? How do we keep our sexual relationship with our spouse undefiled? We need to keep God’s design in view here. Anything that violates God’s design for sex is what defiles sex.

Something to note here is God’s desire for married people. God wants the sex of marriage to be good. To be enjoyed by husband in wife. Part of esteeming the covenant that marriage is, is to pursue good, healthy sex.

Now, what about v. 5? Where does the love of money come in?

The love of money is a desire that displeases God. 1 Tim. 6:9 tells us that the desire to be rich is a gateway to temptation. It leads to a snare into many senseless and harmful desires that plunge people into ruin and destruction.

What’s the antidote to this discontent? Be content with what you have. But what is essential to our contentment is the promise of God that He will never leave us or forsake us.

So the basis for our contentment is God’s unfailing help and fellowship.

So married people are called to esteem their covenant relationship by keeping their sexual relationship pure. The key to this effort is to trust in the provision of God because God is always faithful to His people.

What are some challenges to sex in marriage?

Shame

Gen. 2:25.

No guilt, embarrassment, remorse

The answer to shame from past sin is the gospel.

1 Peter 2:6 ESV

For it stands in Scripture: “Behold, I am laying in Zion a stone, a cornerstone chosen and precious, and whoever believes in him will not be put to shame.”

Married sex is completely different than from what the world calls sex. What happens within the safe walls of God-honoring sex - sex that celebrates life-long commitment to your spouse, that’s self-forgetting, completely vulnerable, completely safe.

No matter our past, we can be shame-free because of the gospel, and on that basis, married people can have shame-free sex.

Embarrassment

1 Tim. 4:4.

Paul is talking about marriage here.Everything that God has created is good and should therefore be enjoyed.

Really, sex is a reason to worship God. Husbands and wives should thank God for the gift of sex.

Something to keep in mind here is that husbands and wives are called to see their spouse as desirable. Back to Prov. 5:18-19: the exhortation is not to look for someone who intoxicates you with her love but to see your wife this way. To be intoxicated in her love.

I bring this up in connection to the challenge of embarrassment of the physical insecurities that are often connected to our sexual relationship. Often our physiques are not the same as they were on our wedding days.

Just remember the exhortation: be intoxicated with your spouse…… It should not surprise us that this ends of being a matter of prayer. The love between husband and wife is expressed through sex, but this love runs much deeper than mere physical attraction. Our attraction towards our spouse must be supplied by the covenant love we have from God and for one another.

For those who may be thinking about getting married some day: It’s not look for someone who intoxicates you, but someone to whom you are attracted as a result of a meaningful relationship in which you have both expressed a desire to honor God.

Broken Trust

As has been mentioned, vulnerability is crucial to healthy sex. But when trust is broken, it is difficult to be vulnerable.

So one implication here, if you want to improve your sex life, seek to grow in your trust of one another. Seek to be more trusting and trustworthy.

Here’s the standard. For you, married person, sex is ONLY about your spouse. Sexual desire, fantasy, longing is to be connected only for your spouse. This is part of why pornography is can be so damaging to marriage and sex in marriage. Whenever we violate Heb. 13:4 (holding marriage in honor and keeping the marriage bed undefiled), we violate the trust of our spouse.

So what we read, watch consume from the various media platforms all have implications to the trust factor in our marriages.

How we dress has implications as well. Modesty (and I know it goes beyond attire) is not nearly as difficult to define as sometimes is suggested.

So, broken trust is not fixed by sex. Seeking forgiveness, giving forgiveness, communication, praying together, seeking counsel when necessary, reconciliation. This is what is needed when it comes to broken trust.

Remember, the gospel provides hope here. If your marriage has been, is affected by broken trust, there is hope, but we need to pursue on the right path.

Selfishness

Sex can never be a tool of manipulation. It can never be a point of leverage to get what you want. Remember our discussion from 1 Cor. 7. We have given the keys of our bodies over to our spouse.

This can show up in how we think of having children as connected or disconnected to our sex lives. Scripture is quite clear that having children is a key (not the only), but key purpose for marriage. I would go as far to say that if someone is opposed to having children, he or she should not get married. I’m not talking about people who don’t get married until after child-bearing years, or remarry of being widowed later in life.

DINKs: Dual Income, No Kids

Busyness

1 Corinthians 7:5 ESV

Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

except perhaps by agreement for a limited time… … lots of qualifications here

Very plainly, married people should be having sex regularly.

I remember shortly after I was saved and began to read my bible, when I came across this verse and this idea, that sex in marriage was an obligation, I thought, no problem… … reporting for duty.

But any married couple who has young kids, jobs, bills, experiencing the aging process…… we need to be sensitive and understanding.

Conclusion

desire the real thing: focus your desires on sex as a picture of a healthy marriage.

Like every other aspect of marriage (communication, kids, resolving conflict etc), sex is a life-long project.

Seek to build your marriage in such a way that vulnerability is safe. Seek to be trusting and trustworthy.