Children: The Fruit of Marriage

A Legacy of Worship

Making babies and portraying God

Every marriage should be open to having children, so in general, if someone is not open to having children he or she should not get married.

We need to be sensitive to this point because while some will not have any real hesitation to having children, others will.

This point needs to be addressed in premarital counseling.

We need to keep in mind God’s purpose for marriage. It’s about portraying God. The role of husband and wife, communication, conflict resolution, sex and children are aspects of marriage that should have as their aim to portray God. Specifically, Christ’s relationship to His church.

Gen. 1:28 makes clear that one of the main ways marriage portrays God is by procreation.

Genesis 1:28 ESV

And God blessed them. And God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply and fill the earth and subdue it, and have dominion over the fish of the sea and over the birds of the heavens and over every living thing that moves on the earth.”

Through fruitfulness, a marriage portrays God by generating new people made in the image of God.

As mom and dad seek to fulfill their roles in marriage as parents, God is portrayed. As mom and dad seek to fulfill their roles in their sight of their children, they display what God is like to them.

Consider Malachi 2:15.

Malachi 2:15 ESV

Did he not make them one, with a portion of the Spirit in their union? And what was the one God seeking? Godly offspring. So guard yourselves in your spirit, and let none of you be faithless to the wife of your youth.

Judah is being rebuked for violating their covenant with God.

They have profaned the sanctuary of the Lord by whoring after foreign gods.

The people of Judah were dismayed over the fact that God was not accepting their offerings with favor. The reason God was not accepting their offerings was because the Lord was witness between you and the wife of your youth, to whom you have been faithless, though she is your companion and your wife by covenant (14).

Then we get to v. 15. God’s concern for Judah’s faithfulness entailed a concern for a legacy of worshippers. Godly offspring.

V. 16 seems to make clear that actual marriage between man and women is in view here.

Consider Deuteronomy 6:6-7.

Deuteronomy 6:6–7 ESV

And these words that I command you today shall be on your heart. You shall teach them diligently to your children, and shall talk of them when you sit in your house, and when you walk by the way, and when you lie down, and when you rise.

So, as far as the work of parenting is concerned, it should be driven by a concern to teach our children about God.

So a purpose for marriage is having children and the primary purpose for having children is to seek to raise worshippers of God.

This is not to suggest that we should presume to have authority or power we do not possess. We cannot guarantee the salvation of anyone, including our kids. This is in the hands of God. But it does seem that God often uses Christian parents to accomplish His redemptive purposes for their children.

As is the case in all areas of the Christian’s life, faithfulness to God is the aim. So if you are a parent, or if you become a parent in the future, faithful parenting will be reflected in your effort to raise your children to be worshippers of God.

Implications for adoption (see Rom. 8:23; Gal. 3:23-26; Eph. 1:5)

All believers have been brought into the family of God through adoption and have, as a result been made worshippers of God.

The goal of parenting is not to pass along our genetic makeup. That our children resemble us physically, or possess similar personality traits or even display similar mannerisms to us is not the main concern.

Again, our main concern is to make worshippers of God. So adoption should never be thought of as plan B. Adoption is as much plan A as biological procreation because passing on the gospel is the goal of parenting.

Now, I think it’s an overstatement to say that adoption is for everyone, but it is a beautiful thing to consider and pray about especially in light of the nature of our own salvation. Again, that God has adopted us into His family.

Seeking to raise our kids to be worshippers of God is not the only way we can display the glory of God, but it is a primary way Christian parents do this. Biological children, adopted children, spiritual children that we have seen come to faith in Christ and have discipled bring glory to God.

When it comes to having children, no doubt that timing, finances, the parents age, other physical factors and emotional factors have impact our thoughts. Should newly weds wait a little while? Should consideration be given to how much space exists between the births of children? When should we stop having children?

These are real questions, but are being asked by Christians in a culture that does not value life and regards having children as an inconvenience or even an intrusion in their lives. There are some who do not want to have children because the idea of bringing children into this troubled world doesn’t make sense to them.

So I want to take some time to consider contraception or birth control. I will say up front that while this particular topic could easily occupy the rest of our time together, it won’t. I understand represented in our church, and probably in this room, their is a wide spectrum of views. On the one end is the view that says any form of birth control is wrong. On the other side is perhaps a lack of consideration to what the various contraceptive technologies actually do.

Some Context on Contraceptives

Contraception was not unknown in the ancient world

Aristotle (384-322 BC) proposed proposed using various spermicides

Pliny (23-79 AD) encouraged sexual abstinence to avoid pregnancy.

Barrier methods, including condoms made of natural materials date back to roughly 1000 BC.

The last 100+ years

In the 20th century at the 1934 Annual Meeting of the Southern Baptist Convention passed a resolution called, “Resolution on Birth Control” which was a response to some legislation in congress at the time. The resolution urged congress to reject this legislation because its purpose was to, according to the SBC:

make possible and provide for the dissemination of information concerning contraceptives and birth control; whatever the intent and motive of such a proposal we cannot but believe that such legislation would be vicious in character and would prove seriously detrimental to the morals of our nation.

40 years later the SBC took up the issue of birth control again and issued a series of resolutions that opposed only contraceptives distributed to minors at school without parental consent.

Other protestant denominations came to support contraception for various reasons including family planning and disease prevention. All this to say that there has been a shift among protestants over the past century plus regarding position on contraceptives.

Humanae Vitae: Pope Paul VI 1968

In addition to being selfless, sacrificial, committed, exclusive and intimate, the love between husband and wife is fecund. In other words, this love that is exclusive in marriage is meant to result in the production of offspring. And much of the basis for this assertion is the bible.

The purpose of sex in marriage is unity between husband and wife and procreation.

God’s design is that the union of husband and wife result in offspring, so to do anything to prevent this is sin.

…any action which either before, at the moment of or after sexual intercourse, is specifically intended to prevent procreation - whether as an end or as a means.

Natural methods based on fertility cycles are the only allowable means of family planning.

Unlike the catholic church, protestants do not believe that marriage is a sacramental sign of grace for believers.

Marriage is a creation ordinance and functions as a covenantal relationship between a man and a woman which is analagous to the relationship between Christ and the church.

BFC Biblical Principle of Living 103-4: The Family

103-4.4 The biblical pattern for a married couple is to have children and to manage the home.18Some may elect not to have children for valid reasons. Other couples may choose to adopt children. Adoption is a God-honoring way to demonstrate unconditional love by building families and bringing up children in a loving and godly home.19 Some couples may be providentially prevented from having children. In each of these cases the church must not be judgmental.20 Where married couples choose to use artificial birth control, great care must be exercised to use only those forms which clearly do not cause an abortion.21

18 Gen.1:27,28; 1Tim.5:14; Titus 2:3-5

19 Est.2:7; Psa.68:4-6; Eph.1:4, 5

20 Rom.14:1-23; 1Cor.7:1,7,8

21 Exo.20:13

Some forms of birth control are clearly wrong. Life begins at conception, so any form of birth control that results in the death of life is wrong. Technologies that prevent a child who has been conceived from proceeding any further is wrong.

Careful consideration must be given to the use of birth control, even if it is prescribed by a doctor because we cannot assume that our doctors share or are concerned about God-honoring convictions.

This BPL calls on the church to not be judgmental when it comes to others who do not hold to our specific view on birth control (barring of course abortion). So respect and consideration for one another are crucial here.

To my knowledge, Scripture nowhere forbids birth control. The bible is clear that it is good for married people to have children, that procreation is a purpose of marriage, that life is precious. But as far as I know, there is no explicit prohibition of birth control. If I am right, adopting for ourselves and certainly seeking to bind the consciences of others on unnamed boundaries in the bible should not be done without significant caution, thought and sensitivity.

If a married couple says, not now regarding their decision to have children, just don’t loose sight of the fact that God calls children a blessing. We should all give ourselves to healthy introspection of our motives to determine if what we want is God-honoring. Are we saying no to having children as a means of stewardship, that is, caring well for what God has entrusted to me or is our saying no motivated by selfishness? These are important questions, that require prayer and perhaps godly counsel.

A Blessing to Marriage

Strengthens the union

raising children is a life-long project that husband and wife undertake together.

Our efforts in parenting yields shared joys and sorrows, shared memories. There really is nothing like raising a family together that strengthens the union between husband and wife.

In some marriages, one parent is more prone to react emotionally and the other is more thoughtful. When the other is discouraged the other often is there to encourage. These kinds of exchanges go a long way to strengthen the union.

Certainly, the effort to raising kids can bring about conflict between husband and wife. When there is disagreement about discipline, schedules, bed times, driving privileges, part time jobs, homework, how to respond to a school’s handling of discipline of our children, dietary habits, this can cause conflict. There is nothing easy about raising kids. Just don’t loose sight of the purpose of your marriage (portraying God) and the purpose of having children (striving for a legacy of worship).

An Impact on Marriage

The stages

most families experience more than one stage at a time

Infant/Toddler

physically demanding

Unclear physical challenges with the children (why is he crying, what’s that rash etc.)

sleep depravation

all this places pressures on the marriage

School age

if all the kids are going to school (not home-schooled), couples may have the opportunity to connect in ways they have not been able to in a while

Your focus as a family begins extending further out

Concerned about learning ability and development

Teachers

friends and social interaction…… play dates

Teen years

your kids become independent thinkers and can make substantive contributions to conversation…even if you don’t ask for it…

Some may experience an identity crisis of sorts…both kids and parents…

new found freedoms (driving)

This is often when parents hit the midlife stage, so married couples may hit some spiritual struggles at the same time.

Who our kids will be in adulthood is coming more into focus. The fruit of our labors is becoming more clear, and sometimes the concerns that emerge can have significant impact on the marriage.

The Impact

The Roles

Husbands leads and the wife is his helper

If those roles seemed theoretical before kids came along, they become more tangible with the arrival of kids

A mom’s life, in particular can become quite different than what it was before kids. Often, she is now oriented primarily inside the home as a nurturer while her husband is oriented primarily outside the home as provider can make their lives feel very separate.

There’s a doubling down of sorts going on when kids come along. Doubling down helping and nurturing for wives and on leading and providing for the husbands.

So the question is, how can husband and wife navigate this new pace of life?

Husbands need to be hyper-sensitive to encouraging his helper. Help her whenever possible. Not just chores or even bathing the kids and getting them to bed, but in decision making which is often exhausting. Encourage your wife by not acting like another kid with a bunch of needs, but by leading her. Providing for her emotionally when the demands of motherhood are, at times, draining. Perhaps the motto for the husband during these child-rearing years is give, give, give.

Wives, your goal may be to trust. Trust God who gave you your husband and your children. Trust that children are a blessing from the Lord despite you often have to contend with the curse of Gen. 3. Trust that there is joy in being faithful to God’s calling in you as a mom as you serve your husband.. your family, but ultimately as you serve God.

There is no question this is hard work, and that there are certain pitfalls of which to be aware. Bitterness, resentment, frustration…. all of this is our potential response to the challenges of being married with children… We can’t loose sight of the fact that our spouses are the marriage partner that God intended for us.

As our kids get older the husbands responsibility to lead will show itself even more in his need to be a pastor to his family. The kids will face significant spiritual struggles, and their struggles contribute to the parents’ struggles. Husbands need to make sure that he and his wife are making the time to connect with each other and with their kids. Perhaps the wife will tee up conversations with the kids and at some point hand them over to her husband to lead in and contribute to. She’s helping him lead as a pastor to the family and doing the work we see in Deut. 6.

Defining success

Our temptation is to define success and flourishing - for ourselves, our marriages, our children in terms of production. In terms of Gen. 1:28 where we are told to be fruitful, multiply and exercise dominion. But what does Gen. 1:27 say?

Genesis 1:27 ESV

So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.

As image bearers, husband and wife are called to image or portray God through their marriage, and this includes how they parent. This is success. This is not celebrated by the world, and even in the church, we often make assessments on what we observe. Why do they let their kids… Why is she so quiet… why is he so awkward.

Husbands and wives can’t fall pray to production as success mentality. If we do, the arrival of children will bring that to light.

Wives might say, I used to make money and now I change diapers

Or when kids leave the home. Maybe your kids are not as accomplished as you had hoped they would be. Maybe they’re not walking with the Lord, or are not showing any concern to honor God in their lives. Legitimate concerns.

But don’t loose sight of the purpose of your marriage. Reflect God. Reflect Christ and His relationship to His church.

Communication

styles of communication will be impacted by the different stages of communication (scheduled v. “on-going”)

What’s important to remember is that regardless of our communication styles, our union as husband and wife is the concern. Communication can build trust and trust is an essential component to our union.

In the course of raising kids, and striving to maintain open lines of communication with one another we may discover that, at least in some circumstances your objectives or values may differ. How we weigh protecting our kids v allowing them to learn through experience. Consistency of nap times. Curfews. What’s important to note here is that in light of the goal of building trust through our communication, seeking unity even when we disagree on a particular course of action in our parenting efforts is not futile. Husbands can do this by obeying Peter’s exhortation to live with your wife in an understanding way.

When I was a kid, I wanted to go on the roof of our home to help my dad clean the gutters. My dad was fine with that, my mom was not. I can’t remember how they handled that particular disagreement, but I do remember I was out on the roof. Ideally, my dad would have listened to my mom’s concerns and offered his rationale for feeling it was safe enough for me to go out on the roof.

The point is, we want to get to a point where we can articulate where and why we disagree, what we value and process the strengths and weaknesses of both sides and hopefully land on a place you can agree and move forward. Sounds simple, but of course we know it’s not.

Intimacy

Not just sex, but emotional intimacy as well.

When we’re parenting little one, fatigue is a big challenge. Some couples try to have a date night to deal with this. I know that doesn’t work for everyone. Sometimes, it’s sitting on the couch after dinner together for 10 minutes. For many, it’s different week to week. The point here is that it is all to easy for the efforts of parenting to marginalize the intimacy that husband and wife are meant to pursue.

Conclusion

According to Scripture, every marriage should be open to having children.

Making children through the union of marriage aims to make worshippers of God. We have children and commit to raising our children most ultimately to know, love and worship God.

While having children and raising children introduce significant challenges to a marriage, children are a blessing to a marriage.

Our kids do not change the purpose of our marriage. Our marriage is to reflect, that is, portray Christ’s relationship to His church. The impact of our kids can make it difficult for us to maintain that as our concern, but the gift of children, and how we approach raising them can help us towards that end.