How to Raise Your Parents- Week 2

Hey everyone! I am so excited to see what God will do this year. Today we finalize our 2 week series on How to Raise your Parents. The idea behind the series is simple relationships are two-sided. You may not believe this but your parents/guardians are sinful/flawed people… but guess what… so are you…

Sometimes we put a lot of effort in our relationships with our friends and extended family but forget that your relationship with your parents also requires a great deal of intentionality. Today we will talk about trust- since every relationship requires trust to work smoothly.

So let me start off by acknowledging that every family is different. For some of you have great parents and get generally get along pretty well. For others of you that isn’t the case. Perhaps your parents aren’t even in your life at the moment, or the thought of them makes you angry. Either way – SOMEONE in your life is parenting you and even more, at one point in your life you may get the blessing to parent someone. That’s the person and the relationship we want to focus on in this series.

I hope I can help you learn how to correct some mistakes of the past, fix the drama in the present and live at peace with your parents.

There’s no parenting book has all the answers and even more complicated is that every single person is different. I can tell you with both of my kids- I cannot parent them exactly the same. Being a parent is hard- especially being your parents.

Fortunately for us, there is one book that helps with all significant relationships. Bible!

I realize that you may not be a Christian. Not everyone is setting their life on God's Word and God's standard. If you’re not a Christian, God's Word, the Bible, might not have much importance or power for you. But if you were to just follow the relational advice in here, I promise your life would be different.

Philippians 2:3–4 “3 Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit. Rather, in humility value others above yourselves, 4 not looking to your own interests but each of you to the interests of the others.”

Let me simplify: do you want to win with parents or do you want to lose? If you want to lose, here’s what you’ve got to do. Just think about your own interests. Always make everything about you and you’re guaranteed to lose.

But if you want to win, if you want to win with parents (actually with your family, boyfriend/girlfriend relationships, if you want to win in your future marriage, you have to grow beyond that to BE INTERESTED IN OTHERS.

Let’s look at four areas of your life that will impact HOW TO RAISE YOUR PARNTS. Here’s the key with all of these areas… IT’S YOUR CHOICE.

Principle #1: You get to choose your words - to tear down or build up.

Words hurt…they damage…and yet, they’re very memorable.

When you talk, do not say harmful things. But say what people need—Words that will help others become stronger. Then what you say will help those who listen to you.

Ephesians 4:29 “29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen.”

You want to get your parents to listen to you? Use words that build up.

Why don’t you ever understand anything I tell you

You’re so dumb!

His mom/dad lets them do ‘this’. Why can’t you be a little bit more like them?

Why can’t you just be a normal parent for once?

I hate you!

Each of these is like a dagger. Each of these hurts is remembered. It doesn’t just heal quickly after the conversation is done. Those painful words stay with that person.

Every conversation like this either becomes offensive or defensive. Either you’re tearing down [offensive] or you’re being torn down. All real communication stops.

Proverbs 12:18 “18 The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.”

The worst part of wounding those in your family is that wounding breaks down security… and we all need security.

We all need support that God meant for us to find in the family.

You always lose when you tear down, but—it’s YOUR CHOICE—and you can build up and win.

I appreciate the way that you…

I like the way that you do this...

I’m thankful that you ALWAYS…

Principles #2 YOU GET YO CHOOSE YOUR ATTITUDE- GRATEFUL OR UNGRATEFUL.

Live in a house where we’ve been given so much…we grow to think we’re entitled to it.

When you’re entitled to it, you’re not thankful for it.

Have you consider that things such as:

Making dinner

Washing clothes

Buying lunch stuff

Taking you places

Paying for lessons

Paying the bills… stuff that has happened your entire life that you don’t even think about anymore.

There’s an attitude of maturity that appears (usually in HS) where you begin to realize, “Oh, man… my parents do a lot for me.”

This maturity, is also a indicator of spiritual maturity/growth… it’s what we’re called to do as followers of Jesus.

Give thanks whatever happens. That is what God wants for you in Christ Jesus.

1 Thessalonians 5:18 “18 give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus.”

My parents are mean! Consider: could it be that you’ve have trained them to become that?

Even if your parents never did anything for you for the rest of your life, from this day forward, you owe so much gratitude to them. The unbelievable amount of time, energy and money invested in raising you.

US News cost… almost 2 million to raise a child of a middle-income family in the United States. Yet the money is the smallest of the investments compared to the time and the unbelievable energy. If they never did anything for us for the rest of our lives we owe them so much thanks.

ILL: I read a story this week about a little boy named David. David was born without an immune system that functioned properly. They had to place him inside a plastic covering so that he wouldn’t be exposed to the germs and bacteria that could kill him – any virus, any flu. The reporter asked David, “If you could get outside of this bubble, what would you want to do?” He said, “I’d want to walk in the grass with my shoes off and I’d want to touch the hand of my mother.” How many times have we touched the hand of our mother? How many times have we gotten to be with our parents? We have so much to be grateful for and when we don’t realize that, it defeats everything.

You can be ungrateful and lose or you CAN CHOOSE and be thankful and win.

You: “I don’t have anything to be thankful for.” Make a list.

This is may be the best idea you’re going to get today. I’m going to save you thousands of dollars over your lifetime. Write a thank you letter. Forget buying your parents presents for the rest of your life. They don’t want your presents—they want your attention, your love expressed in words.

As a parent, I don’t want a dumb tie or power tool. I don’t want that shirt that says, “World’s greatest dad.” Because I know I’m not the only one getting it and I know my child didn’t conduct a survey of the entire world. It’s an inauthentic present. Save your money!

When my kids make me a craft that I can see they worked on. I’ll keep it. If I get a craft that was 90% the teacher and just has their names- its not the same.

I got a lot of Christmas Card but the one that meant the most was a single blank sheet with meaningful words.

If your parents were in here, I would bet that one of the reasons there is so much tension in the family is because they may perceived that you are ungrateful… only focused on him/herself.

Credit Card Signing Bonus- You’ll get an immediate return when you choose gratefulness.

Principle #3 YOU GET YO CHOOSE YOUR HEAR- BITTER OR FORGIVING.

Have you ever been around a bitter person? They’re not a lot of fun. They have this weight on them. They’re the kind of person where you’re walking along and you drop something and from across the room they’ll go, “Way to go! Good one Mr. Coordination!”

It’s like they have this sickness and every time they talk to you they want to vomit some of it in your face.

You may have a lot of genuine reason to be bitter…maybe even bitter at your parents.

You don’t even want to be interested in others…because of all that’s been done to you.

You will always lose when you’re bitter.

Bitter people are always looking for ammunition.

Forgiving is a very difficult action to take. One of the reasons why, is we feel that when someone has hurt us, they need to come to us.

The problem is if you have hurt me, chances are you may not even know it. You may be sitting there hurt by a parent and they’re out dancing and having a party and don’t even know they’ve wounded their child.

Ephesians 4:31–32 “31 Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every form of malice. 32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.”

Those of you who are Christians, you are never more like Jesus Christ than when you forgive. And you will never forgive somebody else more than Jesus has already forgiven you. You want to win with your parents? You’ve got to learn to be a forgiver… It’s YOUR CHOICE.

“That hurt when you said that… I just want you to know that I forgive you.”

“Mom, I was thinking about something I said to you and I’ve got to say I’m sorry. Would you forgive me?”

Some of your families have never had that kind of language before. That is the language of healing. Those are the actions of healing.

TIP: When you’re upset use “I” and “me” words.

Don’t say, “You made me...” “You drive me...” As soon as you use the words “YOU” … defensiveness shoots up and battle is on.

But if I’m to use words like “I feel really wounded when I hear those words.”

“I feel angry when I’m treated like that.” “I get defensive when I… “

Now, throughout this whole sermon you may have been thinking- but Costa you do not know what my parents are like, you don’t know what they have said, done or even the fact that they lost my trust- after all it is a two way street but the problem is that I am talking to you and not your parents.

Humans have a tendency to want to change everyone around them before they change themselves but you can only work on yourself. So maybe your relationship with your parents is rocky, but you have an opportunity to become trustworthy, even if its not reciprocated right away.

The power to shape your reality rests within. Choose words that uplift, a mindset that exudes gratitude, and a heart that forgives.