Marriage

Picture Travis and Britney. They have been married for over a dozen years—at least ten of those years have been filled with communication difficulties and unresolved conflicts. They have seen several counselors, read a batch of marriage books, attended marriage conferences, and spent a weekend at a marriage restoration retreat center. As you engage with Travis and Britney about the history of the work they have done on their marriage, you detect two common themes.

They have concluded that: We fight because we miscommunicate with each other. We need better communication skills. We fight because we misunderstand each other. We need better teaching about roles and responsibilities in marriage.

You mentally file away those facts as the three of you begin interacting about Travis and Britney’s latest eruption of conflict. As they each tell their story, you notice they could successfully teach a seminar on marital communication, roles in marriage, and spousal needs. But you detect something more significant—they each use their skills and knowledge in self-centered and self-sufficient ways.

Travis tends to use his communication skills to manipulate and corner Britney—almost like a prosecuting attorney grilling a witness. Clearly there is a heart issue at work. Travis’s training in communication skills has created a more effective manipulator. Having been placed on the witness stand, Britney is quick to expose the myriad ways Travis fails to fulfill his roles and responsibilities and fails to meet her God-designed marital longings.

She is even quicker to describe the ways she has applied biblical marriage principles—to no avail. As you listen, you wonder if you are hearing self-righteousness that seems to communicate, “I’ve done my part. I’ve been a good wife. Now it’s up to God to fix Travis and for Travis to get his act together!” Britney’s training in marital roles, responsibilities, and desires has created a more self-sufficient sinner. Solution-focused marriage counseling also leads to self-sufficient efforts. Britney thinks, “Working on my marriage is a self-improvement project. If I become a good enough wife, then Travis will come around and meet my needs.” Travis and Britney have misdefined the ultimate purpose of marriage, misdiagnosed the core problem in their marriage, and misunderstood God’s prescription for marital healing and health. They need marriage counseling that is soul-u-tion focused.

They need to hear the heart of God about the heart of marriage. They must begin to grasp the purpose, problem, and prescription of marriage—from God’s perspective. They need a gospel-centered heart understanding of creation-fall-redemption. Creation—God’s Ultimate Purpose for Marriage (chap. 1). God’s Marital Design:…

Pillar 1. Leaving.

Genesis 2:24 (ESV)

Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother.

Husbands and wives shift there core loyalty from Parent to spouse.

There is to always be a parent child loyalty and fidelity, but your core loyalty is with your spouse. However , the core loyalty, and principle commitment , now transfers to our spouse as our most important human devotion.

Think of how a self centered heart will mis use this.

Finally I am free from mom and dad. Its all about me!

A christ centered heart says that i am loyalty to this woman because my loyalty displays my loyalty that Christ has to the church.

Its not about what she or he can do for me but what I can do for him.

I love my wife because we are marital ambassadors who show the world how christ and his bride are faithfully devoted to each other

Do you have a self centered heart or Christ centered heart

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In-Law Bylaw #1: Other-Centered. Seek to understand and appreciate your spouse’s family of origin—their culture, way of doing things, likes and dislikes, etc.

In-Law Bylaw #2: Christ-Centered. Seek to create one new family culture to honor Christ—merge, blend, and integrate your two different families of origin into one new, united “you.”

In-Law Bylaw #3: Marriage-Centered. Prioritize the husband-wife relationship over all other human relationships—honor your parents, love your children, encourage your church, and engage your community, but prioritize your marriage for God’s glory.

Pillar 2 Cleaving

English Standard Version (Chapter 2)

hold fast to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.

Being one flesh speaks of permanence, keeping together, bonding, of superglue. Think of the attachment of muscle to bone, and the life and death grip of a hand to a sword in combat.

I decided that in the next wedding I do, I am going ton look at the groom with the utmost seriousness and say What God has joined together let know one separate.

Then I will look at the bride and say what God has joined together let no one separate.

Then I will look at the mother and fathers and say what God has joined together let know one separate.

Then I will look at the friends and family and repeat, what God has joined together let know one separate, letting the wight of the marital vows crush down upon them, of how serious the cleaving together of husband and wife is

With a ,hard heart, cleaving is misunderstood, a hard heart looks at cleaving as. Finally, In can feel loved, someone will be devoted only to me.

For a soft heart cling to Christ cleaving together means.

speaking truthful words with love. Let the Lord create in the both of you a mutual ministry of speaking gospel truth to each other and the world.

Speak controlled words with patience.

3

Speak encouraging word with wisdom.

Do not be ignorant that the enemy is trying to steel kill and destroy. Instead seek to be sanctified together in christ.

Speak gracious words with humility

Pillar 3 Weaving

This is now bone of my bone and flesh of my flesh,

for she was taken out of man. soul and spirit, she shall be called woman, for she was taken out of man.

Body, soul and spirit.

how would a hard heart look at this.

You complete me

1.To divorce is ruin, tearing apart body, soul, and spirit.

2. Discover who you are together in Christ, for you are now one.

3.Your marriage is one page in Christ grand redemptive narrative.

Pillar 4 Receiving

English Standard Version Chapter 2

And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed.

Naked and unashamed portrays intimacy in the sense of into-me- see.

Another person sees into your soul and does not judge but accepts, treasures and values you, seeing your through a grace filled awareness of your flaws, faults, imperfections, blemishes, weaknesses, and sins without rejection.

How many times in life do you think you will find that?

an awareness of your

uniqueness, beauty, strengths, gifts, and Christlikeness without demanding that you be perfect to be accepted

To receive you must be full of grace.

Risk openness

Respond graciously. Be willing to see the log in your own eye

A nanosecond before their fall into sin, “the man and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame” (Gen. 2:25). Distrusting God’s good heart and disobeying God’s wise command, they eat from the one forbidden tree. Immediately, Adam and Eve change from being naked and unashamed to realizing “they were naked; so they sewed fig leaves together and made coverings for themselves” (Gen. 3:7). At the very moment of their fall, Adam and Eve transform from leave, cleave, weave, and receive to shame, blame, claim, and maim.

In their shame, they hide from God. God pursues them and calls to Adam, “Where are you?” Adam answers, “I heard you in the garden, and I was afraid because I was naked; so I hid” (Gen. 3:9–10). Shame. When God asks Adam who told him he was naked and whether he had eaten from the tree, “the man said, ‘The woman you put here with me—she gave me some fruit from the tree, and I ate it’” (Gen. 3:12). Moments earlier Adam praised Eve as the one who was “taken out of man” and “bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh” (Gen. 2:23). Now she is simply the one God “put here with me.” And she is the cause of it all—“she gave me some fruit.” Blame. Blue highlight | Location: 639 Then, speaking to Eve, God says, “Your desire will be for your husband, and he will rule over you” (Gen. 3:16). Desire can be pure and beautiful. Here, however, God is speaking of the consequences of marital sin. God uses the same word when he speaks to Cain in Genesis 4: “Sin is crouching at your door; it desires to have you, but you must rule over it” (4:7). The concept of desire in Genesis 3:16 and 4:7 is the negative sense of demanding to have, manipulate, control, own, or clutch. Claim. While Eve, in her fallen state, will manipulatively demand control, Adam in his fallen state will “rule over” her (Gen. 3:16). Context is king. “Rule over” is Pink highlight | Location: 644 not a statement about loving, sacrificial, Christlike headship. It is a statement about the consequences of marital sin. Like sin in Genesis 4:7, Adam is crouching at the door like a roaring lion seeking to devour his wife—rule over and overpower. Maim. How does sin impact the marital relationship? Husbands and wives move from leave, cleave, weave, and receive to shame, blame, claim, and maim. We shame—making each other feel worthless and dirty, weak and small. We blame—making the other person feel like everything is their fault. We claim—manipulatively demanding that my spouse meet my Blue highlight | Location: 649 needs. We maim—retaliating against each other and hurting each other.