Prioritize your spouse

Introduction

Introduce Self

Dismiss children

Today we begin our new series “The Vow” where i want us to examine 4 vows we should make to our spouse.

I understand some of have lost their spouse, do not look back and think of the times you should have done better at anything we see in scripture. Think of how you can share your knowledge with younger couples.

I understand not everyone is or has been married, this will help you as you prepare for that.

I read a quote the other day that said “Become the person you are looking for is looking for”

I hope to help you do that through this series

Character-Married Christian

Many of you are married, I pray you will examine yourselves in light of the truths of scripture and seek to be the husband or wife God has called you to be.

Today I want to talk to you about prioritizing your spouse or the vow of priority.

Did you know that in America 50% of marriages fail nowadays?

Now, I’m not a negative person. I don’t like negative outlooks and I try to find the positive in everything.

Do you know what else that statistic means? 50% of marriages succeed

When I saw this I thought “ok, let me go look at christian marriages specifically”

I was more encouraged by this one but still not happy with what I found.

25% of Christian marriages fail. What’s that mean though? 75% of Christian marriages succeed.

I dont’ want to concentrate on not failing, I want us to conentrate on succeeding.

We are not married, we are not living, we are not followers of Jesus to just Survive but to thrive.

How do we do that? How do we have a thriving Christian Marriage? The first step is to understand that it is not your spouses responsiblity to ensure that it is a thriving Christian marriage. It is yours. And when you are doing your part and your spouse is doing theirs, the marriage will thrive.

Maybe you are here and your spouse isn’t a follower of Jesus. They aren’t doing their part. Don’t stop doing yours.

1 Corinthians 7:14 “14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.”

Problem-Misunderstanding of what makes marriages work

And herin lies the problem that I believe leads to many divorces. In a marriage or any relationship really, you begin to make it about yourself. You make it about what you are getting out of it. You make your expectations of the other person about how you are impacted rather than relinquishing those expectations and seeking to make someone else the priority.

We often begin to make ourselves the priority in the marriage.

Not every divorce is this way however when you see it in celebrity culture and even in your own friend groups you can often here things like

-We drifted apart

-We wanted different things

-We fell out of love

And while there are seasons of marriage where connection is stronger than others, let’s look at these statements with a personal responsiblity lens:

-I stopped making enought time for us to connect causing us to drift apart

-I chose to puruse my own passions and desires alone rather than going through this life with my spouse

-I chose not to pursue my spouse continually resulting in us no longer feeling the love

People enter marriage not knowing what to expect and then don’t put any effort into finding out what it takes to make it work.

One of you ladies were very kind the other day speaking with Sarah and I and commenting on how it’s no wonder she fell for me because of how handsome I am and let’s be honest…I get it. However, can I show you the young man she fell in love with?

I know…not much different

Notice the burple car in the back. 92 honda prelude, 5 speed, cylinders that were like airbags so I could bounce it up and down.

Golden locks of hair. I wasn’t the same person in the photo that you see today. There are some similarities.

My wife though, she hasn’t aged a day. As beautiful as the day I met her and threw her in a pool. Don’t know that story? Ask over dinner and we’ll share it.

We were 17 years old in this photo. Junior prom. By this point I had already proposed to her.

Now, do you think that guy had ANY clue what it meant to be a husband? I’ll answer for you, not at all.

And in the early years of our marriage it showed.

Thank God for His grace and mercy, and thank God for Sarahs. I’m thankful to the Lord to say we are now going 17 years strong as of this last December.

It hasn’t been perfect.

and the reason it wasn’t perfect was becuase we were not making the right person the prioirity.

Agitated- Time and energy invested into other things leads to problems

When we got married we were not investing our time, energy, and resources into the right things. The Marine Corps was 13th grade in South Carolina. The difference was we had money and easier access to things now.

Maybe your marrriage didn’t start out as rocky as Sarah and I’s. Maybe you’ve never thougght of what would be like to be married.

Or maybe you are married and just going through the motions.

It is that last situation taht leads to some of the biggest problems. You invest your time and energy into the wrong person.

Some of you invest it into yourself. You make your life all about you and your spouse is supposed to be along for the ride. You disregard their feelings and emotions, expect them to cater to yoru every whim, and believe that a good marriage is one where you are always happy with everything.

Maybe you have children adn you’ve made your marriage all about them.

If little johnny wnats it, little johnny gets it. You spend so much time focused on your children’s life you forgot you have your own and even moreso your spouse is there too. You neglect tiem withy our spouse becuase your child should get all of your attention. All of your finacnes and resources are supporting their next big interest and you’ve made them think they are the msot special person on the planet and the only one that matters.

Maybe you are investing only in your spouse. You make them an idol in your life and you do everything to keep them happy. You don’t bring up anything that could be a conflict, you live as a shell of yourself because you have changed your identity for them, and now the only the reason your together is societal or religious pressure, maybe finances, and unfortunatly you’ve made it the kids.

Truth is, these are major contributing factors as to why marriages fail. You prioritize the wrong person.

I don’t believe in plolygamy, let me get that out of the way real quick. However, as a follwer of Jesus there are three people involved in my marriage.

Me, her, and God.

Now which one should we make the prioirity?

Solution-Making God first and spouse Second

God.

That means God is the priority in our marriage, not our spouse.

And when both spouses make God the priority, marraiges are transformed into holy abundant life filled vessels to glorify God, raise children, love each other, and impact their friends, church, and community for Christ.

Guide-Jesus, Bible, Older Christian couples

Jesus spoke of this when He said

Luke 14:26 “26 If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children, and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple.”

The word Hate is defined in the greek as to detest or to love less.

I have to love God more than my wife. Our relationship with our spouse must be an overflow and extension of our relationship with God.

I live my life to serve God and because of that I love my wife as Jesus loved the church.

Men, I may be talking in ggeneralities here but let me be clear, you are to take the lead in this, you are to be the one setting the example.

You have everything you need men and women, to live with a victorious Christian marriage. You have Jesus, the bible, and then you have Christian couples that have been through it.

What does that look like to be lived out?

Journey- Gen 2:24, Matt 19:4-6

Our primary text for today is Gen 2:24.

In the book of Genesis we find the first marriage.

The first relationship that had meaning for Adam was not with Eve. It was with God.

It was God that not only created Adam, but gave Him purpose and an identity.

After having a relationship with God and living from it, God gives Him a woman.

Genesis 2:20–24 “20 And Adam gave names to all cattle, and to the fowl of the air, and to every beast of the field; but for Adam there was not found an help meet for him. 21 And the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon Adam, and he slept: and he took one of his ribs, and closed up the flesh instead thereof; 22 And the rib, which the Lord God had taken from man, made he a woman, and brought her unto the man. 23 And Adam said, This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh: she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man. 24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

A christian spouse must decide to make God the first prioity and their spouse second.

That word leave in verse 24 is aw-zab and means to relinquish or let loose

Prior to getting married your priotieis are God and tehn your family. Mom and dad. However, when you get married those priorities shift.

God remains at the top but parents take a step down to your spouse. Doesn’t mean parents are loved, honored, and respected. It does mean they are not the prioirty any more.

Some of the ebst advice I can give you if you are married, thinking of getting married, or just in a relationship.

When you have trouble in your relatnionship with your spouse, do not, do not go to your parents and tell them how awful they are.

think about it this way.

If you are a follower of Jesus and believe that God has taking you through a trial, would you go to your atheist friend and talk bad about your God?

No. Why? They dont’ know God the way you do. They won’t understand and will have theri veiw of God further skewed.

Your parents don’t know your spouse the way you do. They also are probably not hearing the role you played in the argument or issue that you are bringing to their attention.

Their view will be skewed by the things you say to your parents, friends, and others when you bring those issues to them.

It is better to bring your marriage problems to a trusted godly friend, mentor, pastor, etc. than to take them to your mom and dad.

This order of priorities is important becuase when it is off, your marriage is off and mroe importantly your relationshi with God is.

Most of the things that we demonize, we have once tought well of or idolized.

That’s becuase ywe put people on a pedastal with expectations beliving they should be or are a certain way only to realize after we get to know them more they are different. This will create conflict.

Once that conflict is created there is a decision you have to make. Is this a conflict that will destroy our relationship or one that will grow our relationship?

If we choose for it to destroy it, we have allowed ourselves to fall victim to what I believe is pride and judgmentalism by determining that because the person isn’t exactly what I expect them to be then this is over. Or we have become judgemental without being curious.

We stopped asking why they feel the way or act the way they do and seek to udnerstand who they are resulting in us judging them based on their past, what we think we know, or assumptions that we make.

However if God is the priority, we see them through His eyes and determine to love them as he does.

When we make them our second prioirty then we make time to be with them, to get to know them, and to lovingly serve them.

How many of you have or know someone who has fallen victim to allowing your spouse not be the prioirty he or she needs to be?

What usually fills their time?

purusit of hobbies, careers, achievement, I hope not social media

And no matter how many times I say it it seems as though itneeds ot be said again.

No one gets to their deathbed wanting more liks or follows on social media, granite counter tops in their home, taller ceilings, more money, or a greater 401k. It’s about the people that are important to you.

And when we do things like this what we are going to find is a jealous spouse.

You say wait, it’s not right to be jealous…well…

Exodus 34:14 “14 For thou shalt worship no other god: for the Lord, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God:”

Ok but that’s God. Why is it that God gets jealous? becuase the time, respect, love, and worship is due Him becuase of who He is.

When you are married, your number 2, your spouse, deserves to hve your time attention, love, and affection.

And if you are giving that to someone else, it’s understandable for them to get jealous.

If you are spending time with friends and not your spouse, you should expect them to get jealous.

If you are spending time with your career or your hobbies and not spending time withy our spouse, you should expect them to get jealous.

That’s because of the level o fprioirty they deserve in your life. Apart of God and family I don’t believe anyone else gets to expect those things from you.

The things that destroy marriages aren’t always bad things yet they are always mismanged things

This is why you have to

Resolution-Protect the priorites

Protect the Priorities

How do we do this?

Is it reading more bible? Is it better understanding the deep truths of scripture? Did you know often times when people talk about wanting deep preaching, or deep teaching, you can ask about simple things of the bible that they aren’t living out ye tthey want the meat but aren’t even processing the milk yet.

I’m not discourgaing bible reading, study, prayer, or other spiritual disciplines that are good for you. I’m telling you that the fact that you know more doesn’t mean you love more.

In fact Paul said something complete different.

1 Corinthians 8:1 “1 Now as touching things offered unto idols, we know that we all have knowledge. Knowledge puffeth up, but charity edifieth.”

You have to choose to take what you do know and live it out. You choose charity which in King James english is love.

You choose to take the action of love.

I preached on a system last week. Do you have a system in place to protect your time with God? What about with your spouse?

is your relationship with God failing because you are not being intentional with it? Is your relationship with your spouse failing because your not being intentional about it?

No, I know what it is. it’s not that your not being intentional…it’s that your spouse isn’t being intentionl.…If your spouse would just listen to this message and live it out everything would be ok. Have you had that thought?

Hey ya’ll I don’t have to directly point out the flawed thinking there do I? I mean, you get it. You are responsible to God for how you live your life, we believe in individual soul liberty. You give an account for your actions and no one elses.

take what you know and get practical.

God first, then spouse.

I love when I come home from work and my kids want to love on me. I love getting a hug from all of them but there is something special about my daughters hugs. That’s my little girl and she has the best hugs ever.

can I tell you something though, when I get home, my wife gets my attention first. I’ll hug them but we ask for 15-20 minutes of just us time. I need to decompress, she needs to decompress, and then I can play with the kids, prep dinner, whatever needs to be done.

Am I ignoring my children? No. I’m trying to set them up for a successful marriage by modeling one.

Ladies, I don’t how you do what you do. Talk to Sarah about that because I tihnk she is pretty good, not perfect but she’s great to me.

Men, you can I talk to.

If someone broke into your home, what are you going to do?

Some of you may rely on the karate from your younger years. Some of you may grab nunchucks because youthink your michaelange or bruce lee.

I’m grabbing my pistol.

why? Becuase we protect. We protect what is important to us.

Some of you men would say you’d lay your life down for your spouse and kids but asking you to give up some time in your schedule to intentionally make them the priority seems ot be difficult.

As followers of Jesus that is true as well. We woudl fight a revolution for religious freedom but we won’t make time to pray.

It’s easy to make excuses but it’s love that makes a way.

Make a way for date night, go cheap. Have I told you about our root beer and cheese tasting?

Can’t afford the hilton? Grab a cheap hotel and get away. give me a call and I’ll give you a quarter for the bed to vibrate.

Protect the priorities of the things that are most important to you: First, your God. Second, your spouse.

Fulfilment in life isn’t becuase you have a great marraige, it’s because you have a great relationship with God.

That fulfilment lived out produces fruitfiulness in your life and for the kingdom.

Impact: Negative- divorce, broken homes, kingdom not built. Positive- flourishing marriage, children know what to do when married, kingdom impact

Christians, we must grasp this concept. We must live this out. As followers of Jesus.

If we are not living with these priorities in order who is?

What ahppens when we choose to not live out these priorities?

Divorce, broken homes or bad homes. Christian parents staying together for the kids is almost worse than ones that divorce. I’m not advocating for divorce I’m advocating for reconcilation.

Marriage should represent the gospel and the relationship between Jesus and His bride, the church. When Christian marriages and homes are broken for whatever reason, but especially because there was a lack of intentionality, the kingdom is impacted because people don’t see us as any different than someone else.

What would happen if you chose to be that spouse? What would happen if you were intentional about protecting the priority of your relationship with God and your relationship with your spouse?

Would your marriage flourish? Would your love for your God and your spouse increase? Woudl your children be better equipped for the life god desires for them to live?

Would the gospel be better proclaimed by your example? Could people come to know Jesus?

Yes. Yes to all of that.

Will you choose to live without protectin the priorities and see the negative consequences ripple throughout the culture or will you choose to love your God enough to love your spouse on purpose and impact your family and the people around you for generations?

Time of Response