The Four Horseman of Communication

2023 Spring Branch

Keys for Effective Communication

And

Lasting Relationships

The Bible speaks heavily about how we are to communicate with others, how we are to speak and conduct ourselves before others:

James 1:19 – Know this my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger…

Ephesians 4:29 – Let no corrupting talk come out of your mouths, but only such as is good for building up, as fits the occasion, that it may give grace to those who hear…

Proverbs 15:1 – A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger…

Hebrews 10:25 – We are to come together and talk to one another, communicate with one another, work on relationships… and do it a certain way… God’s way…

Or we will never get anywhere. We will never grow in our relationships. We will never know one another, trust one another, love one another… We will never be good marriage partners, good family members, good church members… until we do it God’s Way.

God’s way equals life. Our way, the flesh leads us to disaster.

I would like to talk about what has been called the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse of Relationships. John Gottman, psychologist/counselor/ creator/founder of Gottman Institute… discovered 4 negative behaviors that spell disaster for any relationship.

He could make accurate deductions or predictions about a marriage by looking at these 4 behaviors in the partners lives. He would give antidotes to these behaviors, which are very consistent with Scripture, and these would help solve problems… if they would practice them.

Listen: All relationship have conflict… even the best ones. It is unavoidable. We are sinful people coming together to do life, to work together and live together… and we are called to be one… of course we are going to have challenges and pains.

Everyone has to work at becoming better communicators… Because if we don’t… We will never have a good relationship. We will never have lasting relationships. They will always end in failure.

What are the 4 Horseman of the Apocalypse?

1. Criticism. 2. Contempt. 3. Defensiveness. 4. Stonewalling

1. Criticism: You verbally attack them; you attack their character, who they are.

This is not offering a critique or giving a complaint about something. You are attacking the person.

Here is a complaint: “I am mad about this, or about what happened, about what you did. I thought we agreed that we would do this for each other.

Here is the criticism: You never think of others. You never think of me. You are not forgetful; your are selfish, evil, hateful, you never think… you are a slob…

Here the difference? One is a discussion. One is an attack. And it is an attack on the person’s character… and you are destroying/dismantling the person when you do it.

When this Horseman gets going and takes off… the other 3 Horseman will follow. This Horseman leads to assault, to rejection, to hurt and great pains.

What grows out of this?

2. The Second Horseman is Contempt: We begin to communicate out of the anger. We begin to treat others with disrespect, we mock, we are sarcastic, we ridicule, we call names, we roll our eyes, we scoff and suck our teeth.

This Horseman is working to make you feel despised and worthless.

“I am superior. You are inferior… and I am letting you know it… Because you are so slow and all…” “Oh, your tired, cry me a river baby, I have been stuck here with the kids all day, running crazy; I don’t have time to deal with another child… could you just grow up and quit being so pathetic.”

“Oh, you want to talk about being childish, with your eye-rolling, coercive/manipulative behavior; you want to talk about work, you ungrateful woman… who gets to sit at home all day… while I have to go work at a desk… you cry me a river… and…”

You know, research shows that couples who are like this… have more sickness than others. Why? Because this lifestyle weakens your immune system. This life leads to sickness of all different kinds.

This contempt Horseman is the single greatest predictor of divorce and or separation from people. It must be eliminated now.

3. The Third Horseman is defensiveness. This is our response to the pain of criticism and contempt. I don’t like pain… you don’t like pain. When we begin with the verbal bashing, we are hurt.

So, what do we do? We build defenses for ourselves, to keep us from being hurt again. We will do whatever we need to do to make the other person stop. We will make excuses; we will play the innocent card, the victim card… We will manipulate the conversation… We will yell back… Or just go silent and put the other person on the silent treatment…

When your spouse, friend, church member comes up to you and says: “Did you call so and so; did you do this or that, and let them know what you should have told them… as you promised that you would?”

And you say, “I was just too tired, too busy today; you know how busy I have been and how tight my schedule is; you should have known better than to ask me that… What’s wrong with you? Why don’t you do it? Need me to hold your hand?”

Hurt people tend to hurt people. Hurt people will defend themselves, because they believe that you are attacking them… That you are criticizing and speaking to them with contempt.

And get this… This may be a learned behavior from childhood… in order to survive their family. It may have nothing to do with you. They have just learned to survive.

They don’t know how to handle conversations or confrontations well. They believe that every complaint or question is a harmful attack and critique on their character… So, they break out the weapons and anger to make the pain go away…

Do you know these relationships? Here he comes… Here she comes… Get ready to defend… Don’t take any responsibility… Their fault… Do what you have to do to get out as soon as possible. Your spouse, your friend, the person is the attacker; he or she is the problem…

No, you are not the problem and that person is not the problem. The problem is the problem. The way we see people… they way we are viewing one another… the way we are communicating or not communicating may be the problem…

Bitterness, unresolved anger, unforgiveness, hate, pride, not looking to Christ and refusing to Walk in the Spirit is a problem. Believing a lie instead of the truth is a problem.

And where does all of this lead us? Where is all of this going?

4. Stonewalling – The Fourth Horseman of the Apocalypse is Stonewalling – This is where and when people withdraw and shut down from interaction and stops responding.

You feel flooded with emotions and thoughts, and you shut down.

Rather that confronting the issues… they evade and never talk… they never work things out… they shut down… they tune out… they act busy… they turn away… they quit looking at you and become distracted by other things… they quit working on the relationship…

And the relationship dwindles… and dwindles… and dies… If they cannot come out of this.

*What Can We Do?

1. Christ is your foundation. See them through God’s eyes. Love them through the gospel.

2. Be likeminded in this (Philippians 2) having the same love; let nothing be done through selfish ambition, but in lowliness of mind; esteem them more than you; look out for their interests as you serve them.

3. Be slower to speak and quicker to hear them out… slow to anger.

4. Build them up. Don’t tear them down.

5. Speak humbly, with gentleness… not harshness

Come together and do it God’s way… And then you will get God’s results.

*The best communicators and relationships are not born, they are made… It takes work and time...

*It takes doing relationships God’s way.