Pursue your Spouse

Introduction

Introduce self

dismiss children

Continueing series The Vow

Last week we saw tht prioritizing our spouse looks more like prioritizing our Savior

We learned some practical tips to do that and today I want to share a couple more that Sarah and I have enjoyed. (Family Adventure Challenge)

Today we are going to be in Genesis 2:24 agin but looking at a different word that the Bible says should be especially apart of our marriages.

That word Cleave. What does it mean to cleave? What does it look like to cleave on a day to day basis?

The meaning of this word and the application of it as followers of Jesus will transform your marriage.

it’s something I believe we understand prior to marriage more so than after we are married.

When you were dating did you ever do anything crazy, embarrassing or weird in pursuit of your spouse?

-I bought a bear with the date on it for the year we met…or maybe it was year we got married

-I wrote poems and even rapped one time… we don’t talk about that

-I bought her jewlery and gave her a box of trash instead (tell story)

-I took a summer school class to be with her that I didn’t have to take

-I argued with my parents in ways I should not have when it came to seeing her

-We got our tongues pierced together and I willingly did it but unhappialy sat ther as it happened.

We were crazy. Head over heels in love. But can I tell you, everything I would have done to pursue her while we were dating, I didn’t do 1/2 or any of it after we got married for longer than I want to admit.

And that marriage, that relationship is not at all what we hoped for.

Character-Christian that desires vibrant full, and loving marriage

How many of you remember something from days gone by called a hope chest? My understanding of this thing is it is a small chest that young girls would put things in it for the early years of marriage and symbolizing the marriage and life they hope to have.

While I believe the items placed in a hope chest are different from person to person, I think I can identify some that would never be in there.

-Boxing gloves to we can fight all the time

-Tissue boxes for the tears we’d cry after the hurtful statements

-Numbers to therapists so we can have someone to talk to when we are on the verge of divorce

Why wouldn’t these be there? Becuase each of us go into our marriage desiring fo it to be vibrant, full, and loving.

What keeps that from being the case sometimes?

Problem-Don’t actively pursue spouse

Paul wrote about men specifically

Ephesians 5:25 “25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;”

The word love is the greek word Agape and has a Hebrew counterpart that I honestly hadn’t looked t before Awgap. This is the love that Jesus has for us and when you look at the hebrew word for it you’ll see that it means to breathe after, to dote, to love sensually.

Too often we believe love is an emotion. However, emotions are a result of our thoughts.

How we think about something will determine how we feel about it.

In Christian culture we often push against certain secular ideas. For instance, the power of positive thinking.

While I understand the argument against a humanistic view of this meaning that if I think positively about myself and all that I cand o I will do it. However, we must not neglect what the Bible says regarding our thoughts.

Philippians 4:8 “8 Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things.”

What did Paul say there? Think on positive things.

Hebrews 11:1 “1 Now faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not seen.”

Hoped for…what do we do when we hope for something? We think about the positive outcome we desire. When our hope is in Jesus, that is biblical hope and positive thinking.

Romans 12:2 “2 And be not conformed to this world: but be ye transformed by the renewing of your mind, that ye may prove what is that good, and acceptable, and perfect, will of God.”

Paul writes here to renew our minds, not change our feelings.

Proverbs 4:23 “23 Keep thy heart with all diligence; For out of it are the issues of life.”

Proverbs 4:23 CSB

23 Guard your heart above all else, for it is the source of life.

Now we hear that and think about gaurding how we feel.

But the word for heart in Hebrew is Labe and it’s used a bunch in scripture.

The first time it is used is in

Genesis 6:5 “5 And God saw that the wickedness of man was great in the earth, and that every imagination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil continually.”

The thoughts of his heart.

Proverbs isn’t speaking of gaurding your emotions. Proverbs is talking about gaurding the thoughts that lead to your emotions.

The reason people in marriage often “fall out of love” is they have changed their thinking about their spouse and it’s lead to arguments, lusting after others, and seeking relationships elsewhere because the person God gave you is no longer fulfilling you the way he or she once did.

Agitated-Feeling unwanted and unloved

When our hearts or thoughts are left ungaurded they often do not go towards something positive or good.

By nature MOST people are negative. Why? It’s easier. Because in the spiritual battle we are in the devil wants you beat down, upset, and overcome by the negative things happening in your life.

When you are in that place you are not as effective for the kigndom. You are not the husband, wife, mother, father, or person God made you to be.

And when this happens in our marriage we become unforgiving for the faults, we become agitated by the smallest things, we think the worst of others becuase we haven’t gaurded our thoughts and kept them on thigns which are just, pure, lovely, of good report.

And now your spouse feels unwanted or unloved or even more, you feel unwanted or unloved because you have created this image in your mind of how thigns should be, you haven’t gaurded your thoughts, and when they don’t live up to that your disapointed and feeling unloved and unwanted.

Two people feeling unloved and unwanted in a relationship does not lead to a vibrant, loving, and thriving marriage. It leads to divorce.

Solution: Intentionally pursue your spouse

Instead of waiting for the emotion to be there, you need to be intentional in your thinking and actions and the emotion will come.

Now, listen, it takes two to tango. I want to reiterate if there are deep hurts and issues in your marriage that haven’t been overcome, you need counseling and to work through things. What I’m talking about today can be done in any situation however it’s with the assumption your marriage isn’t on the verge of divorce. Even if it is, hear what I’m telling oyu today and seek to apply it. becuase remember what we read last week?

1 Corinthians 7:14 “14 For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy.”

This starts with our mind, not our heart.

How you think of your spouse when they are ot around will determine how you treat your spouse when they are.

Are you praying for them?

Are you praying with them?

Do you think of them positively? Not just in appearance men.

If you know me well, you know I move fast, talk fast, think fast, and am pretty focused on things that need to get done. I’m not perfect, I”m a work in progess like yu are.

That’s why I have things that help me.

I have an app on my phone that reminds me once a week to think positively about sarah and to pray for her.

I have a daily remind to affirm her.

I don’t always verbalize it, I should, but I’m reminded to think about her positively.

and I’ll introduce some more helps for you later.

What’s the reason for that though? Shouldn’t it just come naturally? Shoudln’t it jsut happen? Isn’t it wrong to schedule a reminder to think of your spouse?

No.

Love doesn’t come naturally. Id din’t when you started dating. You put work into it.

And interestingly enough when it coems to the Bible I want you to understand something.

Guide-Scripture

Marriages in the Israelite culture who would have first received the words of Genesis, were not predominately based on love.

The marriages of the day were more about forming alliances between families and conitnuing the lineage. There is evidence support that the father of the bride would receive a “bride price” or amount of money or goods in exchange for his daughters hand. It’s not that her opinion didn’t matter but it wasn’t always strongly considered.

This means, when Moses wrote under inspriation of the Holy Spirit here in genesis

Genesis 2:24 “24 Therefore shall a man leave his father and his mother, and shall cleave unto his wife: and they shall be one flesh.”

Where cleave to is the Hebrew word Dabaq and means to pursue hard or catch by pursuing, It is being said to men who have an arranged marriage where they are falling in love after the commitment.

2. There is no expiration date on this pursuit

Too often in American culture we get married and stop pursuing our spouse. We got em why do we need to do anything.

We stop expressing our love, we stop appreciating them for who they are, we stop doing all the thigns we did to get them and then perform a bait and switch.

And we wonder why our spouse is mad at us. You doted over her, bought her jewlery, told her all the sweet things you wanted to say and then the day after the wedding you never said or did anythign to show her you cared again.

Guys, I’m talking to you right now because this is common and I always put it on your shoulders but ladies can I speak to you for aminute?

Can I speak to you from a husbands perspective?

Ephesians 5:22 “22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord.”

This verse out of context will destroy marriages and people. This verse in context…brings freedom, joy, love, and harmony to a home.

Ephesians 5:22–29 “22 Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. 23 For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the saviour of the body. 24 Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. 25 Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; 26 That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word, 27 That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish. 28 So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself. 29 For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:”

notice the reverance and respect given to you wives in the verses that follow that? Notice how highly God thinks of you? He compares you to His church, His ekklesia, his people that He sent His son Jesus to die for.

Your submission is not an act of self deprication or thinking less of yourself. It’s accepting who you are in Christ. Submission shouldn’t be looked at as just an act of obedience.

As a husband, I don’t want my wife to do everything I tell her to do. I know sounds strange. That’s not love, that’s a slave and I don’t believe that is what is being taught here.

As a husband (guys you listening), I’m supposed to love her, make her know her value, I supposed to dote over her, I’m supposed to treat her like Jesus treats His people.

Ladies, I know we men don’t always do that. But can I tell you what will carry more weight with your husband than obedience?

Loving respect and support of Him as a follower of Jesus, Man After God, husband, and father.

Telly our husband 3 times a week you love him and are thankful for something he does and you see if some things don’t change and turn around.

Men, not an excuse to be an idiot. You love her like Jesus but ladies, you can help us in our faults but being there for us.

Gen 2:24. Is call to pursue your spouse. Some of you may have never been taught how to do that.

Look with me at these practical applications from scripture as you pursue your spouse

Journey-Always pursue your spouse holisticly

Write these down:

1.Don’t wait, appreciate

Hebrews 3:13 “13 But exhort one another daily, while it is called To day; lest any of you be hardened through the deceitfulness of sin.”

Have you ever thought of something nice to say and not said it?

have you ever wanted to say something to someone but chose not to and then something happened where you couldn’t never tell them?

We often take tomorrow for granted.

It’s not gaurenteed.

Tell yourspouse today you love them. Tell them how important they are today. Share with them whatever is you want to share today. Becuase what would you do if tomorrow never came?

Words of affection are powerful and a person can live on a compliment for days

however, What I’ve learned of marriages though is that we don’t often appreciate the person we are married to as a whole person: mind body and spirit.

Guys, I need you to hear me here. These words of affection I’m talking about are non intimate words of affection. Words that have nothing to do with evening activities.

Guys have a spirtual gift in this area. I swear anythign a woman says “Im gonna load the dishes” I’ll load your dishes” “Honey we need to rotate the tires” I”ll rotate your tires.

I appreciate the creativity but bro. YOu wonder why she thinks you onyl see her in one light….(hands like guy from internet with obvious thing)

Don’t waste an opporutnity to compliment each other for the things that go unnotived (dishes, laundry, picking up, cleaning, cooking, etc.) Compliment them on goals they are accomnplishing.

Compliement them on their investment into others, their love for others, their servants hearts. Say somethign about how they love you and how they love your kids.

How they have grown in the Lord in the last year or really just anything, just say somethign and don’t let it always be about physical affection.

And dont’ wait for tomorrow. Say it today.

Aren’t good at that? Go to chatgpt, type in “Give 31 ways to tell my spouse I love him or her that are not about physical intimacy” and then work off that list for a month.

Get an app like intimately us that sends reminds, has blog articles, connections to christian networks for marriage, and intentionally develop yourself as you pursue your spouse.

2. It’s always a good day for a date

#1, Don’t wait apprecaite. #2 It’s always a good day for a date.

Ecclesiastes 9:9 “9 Live joyfully with the wife whom thou lovest all the days of the life of thy vanity, which he hath given thee under the sun, all the days of thy vanity: for that is thy portion in this life, and in thy labour which thou takest under the sun.”

Ecclesiastes 9:9 CSB

9 Enjoy life with the wife you love all the days of your fleeting life, which has been given to you under the sun, all your fleeting days. For that is your portion in life and in your struggle under the sun.

All the days of thy life you are to enjoy your wife, your spouse.

You often think of a date as dinner and a movie or something of the sort.

Take a step back and ask, what is the purpose of the date?

to connect, relax, decompress, make a memory, probably have some fun too.

What excuses do you make that keep you from doing these things?

time? money? babysitter? tired? Not creative? different likes?

Living joyfully with your spouse doesn’t require those things. It requires intentional purusit to cleave unto them. So do things differntly.

I like these books (couples, family)

I told you I’ve used the ultimate intamcy app, it’s a christian based app. Agree wtih everythign? probably not. Use wisdom and discernment but take the meat and spit out the bones.

Stop making excuses to not enjoy the person that God has given you. Make time in your schedule, put the work to the side, and live laugh and love your spouse.

At one point you believe it was the person God had for you. At one point they were the mos timportant person in the world. What thoughts changed in your head that changed your heart towards them and have caused you to stop pursuing after them?

3. Be the Change you want to see

Who can change the heart of a man or woman? God

Ezekiel 36:26 “26 A new heart also will I give you, and a new spirit will I put within you: and I will take away the stony heart out of your flesh, and I will give you an heart of flesh.”

God spoke to exekiel and said he would give him a new heart.

Jeremiah 24:7 “7 And I will give them an heart to know me, that I am the Lord: and they shall be my people, and I will be their God: for they shall return unto me with their whole heart.”

God told Jeremiah he would impact theheart of the people to know Him

Psalm 51:10 “10 Create in me a clean heart, O God; And renew a right spirit within me.”

David cried out to God to create a clean heart in Him

Philippians 2:13 “13 For it is God which worketh in you both to will and to do of his good pleasure.”

Paul wrote that it is God that works in us for is will and good pleasure.

When there are heart problems, only God can make those adjustments. However, I know god works through people to impact people.

Be the change you want to see in your marriage and don’t force the other person to reciporcate.

It can be exhausting, it can be discouraging when you are showering your spouse with loving affection and getting nothing in return. That may be the point to bring a counselor in becuase what’s most likely happened, is poor communication.

However, if you want your marriage to be more spirit filled-initiaite prayer and ask to be prayed with. Get a bible study, mark out some time, and sit down to doit. They don’t show up? you study any way and talk about it. Not in a condescending way.

See this where we fail. We try to do good for our marriage but when it’s not reciporcated we gget hurt and begin to do or say things that hurt others. Don’t show love with an expecation of it in return. Love for the sake of loving. Have open communication, and be the person God made you to be.

Resolution- passioately pursue your spouse without excuse

Revelation 2:5 “5 Remember therefore from whence thou art fallen, and repent, and do the first works

Revelation 2:5 (CSB)

5 Remember then how far you have fallen; repent, and do the works you did at first.

If you’ve ever had this in your marriage, then you need ot do things you’ve never done.

Make a note of this:

-To gain what you’ve never obtained you must do what you’ve never done

And if the you had it but lost it

To gain what you once had do what you once did

Impact: Negative-bitterness, loveless marriage, broken homes. Positive-restored relationships, love filled

God called you to cleave, to pursue after, your spouse. You marriage is meant ot be a reflection of the relationship between Jesus and his bride, the church.

Are going to do anything to help your marriage grow stronger than it is or will you make it be like a stagnate pond that is great to look at at first but overtime becomes a waste fo space

Don’t let another day or week go by where you don’t puruse your spouse.

Choose to invest in your relationship. Love your spouse, show it, and have the marriage God designed for you to.