For Better or For Worse

Announcements:

YouVersion

Intro:

Ok so starting off I just want to address a couple things

I know with a topic like this there is always a mixed bag in where we land

Some of us are sitting here this morning and our marriage is great

And hopefully this will just encourage you to continue to strive after the things God has for you in that relationship

Some of us are sitting here in a struggling marriage

And I pray this series will change and shift your outlook and maybe even encourage you to press in and see your spouse for who God made them to be

Some of us are single and kinda getting ready

Some of us our divorced and remarried, divorced and unmarried

And so regardless of your current situation my prayer is that you would feel encouraged

And that you would really listen and be introspective about what is going on in your heart.

So, clear the air here, this series is not about your spouse, it’s not for your spouse, it’s for you

And if you sit here and all you can think about while we talk is, “I wish he would do that, I wish she was more like that, I sure hope he heard that part, I sure wish she would change that.”

Then you’ve missed the point and you’re a part of the problem

So, instead of taking notes this morning so you can go home and take shots at your spouse

I want you to focus on what is going on in your heart, mind, and soul

Now, I want to all make this really clear.

There is a difference between conviction and guilt

At no point during this entire series do I want you to feel guilt or ashamed

The heart behind this series is ultimately make you feel encouraged.

My hope is that no matter where you are relationally, you will leave this place and go, ok I know that a biblical, godly marriage is possible

And if I allow the Spirit of the living God to, yes, perhaps convict me, and I decide this is worth fighting for, and I put in the work, then it is possible, because God says it is

So, conviction is not guilt, it is an invitation into the life God has for you

Next thing, as we talk through this series, you will hear things like struggles, difficulties, a hard marriage, and things like it.

I want to make this crystal clear ok before we say anything else

When we talk about that sorts of things and use that kind of language we are not talking about abusive

So, a struggling marriage or a difficult marriage is not the same as an abusive marriage

Where there is verbal, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse is violence

And there is no place for it in the confines of marriage

And so, as we talk about the difficulties in marriage and struggles in marriage I don’t want you to confuse that with abuse

And if you think you might be or are in that specific situation I want you to come talk to me, you can fill out a connection card and write down questions about marriage

Or you can go online to our website and fill out a connection card there

We have some resources that can help you and that’s what we want to do is help

pray

So, I don’t know about you but I remember when I would think about being married, before I was ever married, I would often think about a few things

Happy - I’d get to spend time with the person I love most in this world and I would just be happy all the time

Fun - We’d get to do life together, we’d get to explore the world

Family - I always knew I wanted kids and I was gonna have a bunch of boys and so I knew I wanted to marry a women who had motherly qualities and we would make a family together that would be great and fun

Needs - Finally, I would have someone, who’s soul purpose would be to fulfill my physical, emotional, tangible needs

And so I had all these visions and dreams about marriage

They were visions of grandeur and bliss and ultimate joy and happiness

And then I got married

And what I’ve always said is that you never really realize how selfish you are until you get married

And then you throw kids into the mix and it multiplies your view of your selfishness

And so, it wasn’t that Dorie ruined my hopes and dreams of marriage

She is exactly, perfectly, the woman God picked out for me

It’s just that a marriage is the combining of 2 sinful people in a covenant relationship together

And I truly believe, even if Dorie was completely perfect in all things, which she’s pretty close

I would still struggle because I am a sinner and have my own flaws and failures

And so, if I’m being honest this morning, marriage might be the most difficult thing I’ve ever done

And before you say amen, just know that your spouse is probably wanting to scream it as well

Right? So, it’s not like Dorie has laid her head down every night and thought, “Wow Jeret is just the best husband in the whole world, he has fulfilled every vision and dream I had about my marriage.”

So, it’s important that we are real this morning:

Marriage is hard

It’s difficult

Any deep relationship takes work and effort and there are ups and downs

But add in the fact that you spend the majority of your time with this one person

There is no getting away

And as much as you have tried to change them, there has been little to no progress

And the reality is, if you were to listen to what God tells you about your role as husband or wife

And you were to live it out

your marriage would still be difficult and it may still not be what you dreamed about

But, what I can promise you is, at the end of the day, when all is said in done, if you both do what God has called you to, your marriage will be life giving instead of the alternative

Now, it’s difficult to do a marriage series or talking about a biblical marriage without going to Eph 5.

Now if you were here for our last series, you know that we were in Eph4. and we actually ended the series in eph 5.

So, you actually already know a little bit of the context of which Eph 5 was written

And so, Paul, as he writes this letter, is concerned with our union and relationship with Jesus

The effects and outcomes of that relationship and new identity

As we talked last series, it gives opportunity to what we labeled as a “renewed” life.

And as Paul continues down into chapter 5 he is continuing in the idea of what this new identity means for us

And as we get down to verse 21 he begins to write about what this means for our households.

Your Bible actually may have this section titled with “instruction for Christian Households”

So, what I want to do today, is just start where Paul does

We don’t have time to go through every single part of this section today

I hope to circle back around and get a little more in the weeds if you will

But today just want to hit the starting point of what God desires for the believing wife and husband inside the covenant of marriage

And I truly believe that if we were to just do this one thing well, it would solve most of our marital issues.

And as Paul begins this conversation it is in the scope of “here is the effects of the Holy Spirit in your most delicate and important relationships.

So, in your marriage, as a parent, at your job, and in the church

The Spirit of the living God can enable us to do what is not natural

Namely, loving and submitting to people

So starting where Paul starts this specific conversation

Ephesians 5:21 NIV

21 Submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.

You can be sure that if a person is acting brashly, arrogantly, or in a self-assertive way, they are not walking in the Spirit.

John Stott:

The Holy Spirit is a humble Spirit, and those who are truly filled with him always display the meekness and gentleness of Christ. It is one of their most evident characteristics that they submit to one another.

The literal translation of submit is “to arrange under.”

It was used in the military to refer to soldiers that arrange under a superior rank

A good soldier was one that could surrender control, let go of their selfish agendas and live in submission for the good of others

So it is with the Christian husband and wife

And these I believe are good fundamental and foundational truths to understanding what submission looks like

So I want to take these 3 principals and talk about how they might look in the confines of marriage

So, these aren’t the only things we need to do right? But this is a good starting point

So if we take these same 3 principals and apply them to our marriage here’s what we might see

We would do well if we learned how to surrender more control

I see it all the time.

The husband is completely domineering

He makes the money

decides everything

shares nothing

And the wife stays home, takes care of the kids, and knows her place

Or the wife runs the show

The husband collects a paycheck

Is a dumb tool that just does what he’s told

and the wife calls all of the shots

Marriage is not meant to be a competition of who has the most power over the other

If anything, it is a competition of who can submit the most

I get it, every marriage is made of 2 individuals with their strengths and weaknesses and you should operate as a team and their may be areas where you control more and make more decisions

but at the end of the day you should involve your spouse in as much as you can

Before you jump off into making decisions about things that will impact you both, which is most things in a marriage, ask them their thoughts.

pray together about it

Strongly consider their ideas and words

The Lord has put you two together for a reason, it would be wise of you to consider their perspective

We would also do well in learning to let go of our selfish agendas

How often do you do things in your marriage with a selfish motivation in mind?

My answer - a lot!

The truth is, I’ve got things I want to do and I’ve got ways that I want them done

And she may not let me or she may not do it the way I would

So, I have to deceive or manipulate my way to get my way

And if we aren’t careful, your whole marriage is built on you.

It’s all about you and it’s all for you

And I can promise you that no one wants to be married to someone like that.

you want to ensure to make a terrible husband or wife, make everything about you and see how well that works out

Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but at some point you’re gonna lose them one way or another

No one can give and give and give forever

Let go of your agenda and serve your spouse, quit looking at them to just serve you every time

Lastly this morning, live in submission for the good of others OR I’m gonna title this - be a team player

I’m currently coaching upward basketball and I have kindergarten

And to be honest there isn’t much basketball coaching going on

But I do get them to teach them about Jesus and teach them some life lessons and skills

So what happens is, to start the game, after a basket is made, or when the possession changes you normally have one kid that takes the ball and throws it into another kid

that kid dribbles the ball up the court and does what he/she wants with it

Now, what they are supposed to do is pass it to someone who is open

But what they normally do is take the ball themselves and go shoot

So now what that has created is, everyone wants to be the one who gets the ball to begin the possession because they know there’s a good chance they ain’t getting it otherwise

And so when it’s that time they all circle around me and start screaming for them to do it, then get mad at me and the child I chose to get it

The one that gets the ball is happy and everyone else on the team is miserable

But, yesterday we had a game and something really cool happened

Clair play that clip

first clip

So, they passed the ball and then they scored.

Now watch what happens right after that

2nd clip

Did you see the joy in being a team player?

In the same way, when we, in our marriages and families, make everything about us and we don’t understand the concept of the team

you have an entire family of self centered, all about me, non contributing, life suckers

We don’t operate under the idea that this is a family unit and I might sacrifice a little here and there but it is for the betterment of the team

When this becomes our approach, I promise you, you will find more joy across the board

The team will be more fulfilled, each will play their role, each will find satisfaction and the team will be joyful

In our covenant with one another we normally declare something to this extent. that I take you to be my wife or husband, to have and to hold from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, till death do us part

we create that covenant together

And then often live the rest of our lives for ourselves

According to Eph 5

It is for the good of all those in our lives that we learn the art of submission

we submit first and foremost to the lordship of Jesus

We submit to truth found His Word

We submit to the leadership of the HS in our lives

And we submit to one another

And the motive behind it all?

reverence for Christ

We submit to others because Christ is the ultimate authority over our lives

We belong to Christ’s kingdom.

Where He alone is King.

Out of reverence and awe of Him and for Him

We gladly submit to His rule and serve others with compassion and kindness

If we submit to Christ we must submit to one another

And here is what I believe you will find

If we do this, your marriage will begin to be life giving

to you, your spouse, your family, your friends, your church

If we learn how to properly submit to one another

your marriage will be less about figuring out how to get what you want and always working that angle

and it will begin to produce life in you and those around you

Last thing this morning and I want you to hear this clearly

God did not create marriage to console your every need

He created marriage to construct character

Marriage was created yes to fill a need but your need to be more like Jesus

To build your character

A haven in a heartless world

Where we learn forgiveness and how to forgive

love and how to love

grace and how to give grace

How to be patient and receive patience

Marriage was created for you to help shape you into the image of God

When we approach it that way, instead of what can I get out of it we begin to ask what can I learn from it

And what can I give to it to produce in me the things God desires

In every high and every low we can ask the question what is this moment teaching me about the goodness of God?