Untitled Sermon

Now I know that the temptation sometimes with personal testimonies is that the focus can get lost on my transformation.

But more than that, my prayer is really that my story would only highlight for you who God, and that we walk away from this with a greater sense of His love and His grace. My title for this message is “Behold, what manner of love”, which is from one of my favourite verses, which is 1 John 3:1 “Behold, what manner of love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons of God”. And as I share my testimony, my hope is that we would behold the Father’s love, and for me that is the true subject of this story.

(Prayer)

[Slide 2]

Now some of you know that I was born in China, in the infamous city of Wuhan. My mum and I came to Australia when I was nine, she remarried my step dad who was already here. Now growing up in China, obviously we didn’t have much spiritual or religious background But after a year of being in Sydney, God placed our family right downstairs from a very nice Adventist lady. And she started off by offering to baby-sit me and my step brother, and that eventually led to her she introducing us to the church.

And looking back, I think God really led us into the church at the perfect time. Because not long after, my mother started going through what was probably one of the most challenging and depressing time in her life. But it was in that struggle and depression, that my mother had this incredibly powerful experience with God. Now, I didn’t understand everything that was going on because I was still quite young. But I knew that she was going through something extremely trialling. And when she had that encounter with God that just completely changed her, and so she was baptised a year later. I remember hearing my mum’s testimony at her baptism. And even as a young child. While, I had no idea who God was at the time, it still brought this conviction upon me, that God is real and he had revealed Himself to my mother.

And after my mother’s conversion, I remember her becoming very involved at church, she was preaching and church planting for the Chinese church.

And along with my mother’s testimony, growing up in the church as a teenager I really have to say that I had some amazing teachers and mentors around me, who really put a lot of effort in doing Bible studies and teaching me to memorise scripture at an early age.

I remember going through the prophecies of Daniel as an early teenager, and I still remember having my mind absolutely blown away, and that study really cemented the believe in me that the God of the Bible and the Adventist message is real. And so, when the question came as to whether I wanted to be baptised when I was 14, the natural response was yes. I mean, we’ve gone through the 28 fundamental believes and I thought they were true, so why not. So in July 2008 I was baptised along with three other teens.

But really, now looking back, I think my decision for baptism was based on the knowledge that I thought I knew, but I know now that I wasn’t ready to give my heart and my life to Christ at that time.

And part of the reason that I wasn’t ready to give my life to Jesus was that growing up, I think the only people that had my heart were my friends. I grew up without a consistent father figure in my life, my mother and father divorced when I was very young and I never saw my dad as a father figure. And when she remarried, my step father never really stepped into that role either.

And without ever having that father figure in life, I found myself as a teenager needing the validation of my friends far more than the others around me. And one of the big things for me for a very long time was just a deep sense of insecurity. And it was because of the insecurities that I would go to extreme lengths in order to impress my friends and gain some sense of validation from them. And that really caused me to do some very stupid things.

One thing that really sparked my rebellion against God during my teenage years, and as I understand with a lot of young people now, was pornography. And perhaps I can share a little more on my journey with that at a later time.

But also, in high school all my friends started smoking and drinking and partying. Now, I resisted that for a while because it wasn’t like church had no influence on me. but when I really started to have an identity crisis and that eventually drove me head on into that lifestyle. So, I spent the last two years of HS partying and drinking. And as I shared last time, I got caught up in theft as well. And once I graduated from High School, I made the decision that church was no longer for me. I tried the whole going to church on Sabbath morning and then out to the clubs that same night, but it just didn’t feel right.

And at that time, I didn’t think too much of my lifestyle. Even with all the drinking and skipping out on school, I some how ended up with an ATAR that I was quite happy with and got into the uni course that I wanted, which at that time that was all that mattered.

At the same time that I graduated, my mother and stepfather had split up and I was living with my stepfather for a while, while my mother was settling the house she purchased. And during this time, the home that I had spent 10 years in no longer felt like home. And coming out of high school with all the freedom in the world. I started spending literally all my time with friends. We would stay up all night every night, go home in the early mornings just to sleep a few hours and then leave home the moment we woke up. And even when I moved in with my mother, she was completing her PhD at that time and was very very busy doing her best to provide for the home. So, we spent a lot of time apart. So even though we lived in the same home, I kept the same lifestyle that I was living.

That lifestyle very quickly led me to get involved with drugs. And what started off as recreational thing very quickly became an addiction for me. A lot of my friends started dealing, and they moved up the ranks very quick, and that just meant that we were able to get what felt like an unlimited supply everything.

So, as I fell into this addiction more and more, I also started failing at uni, like literally failing myself out of university.

So at that time I decided to give uni a break and just get a job instead. And I found a full-time job that paid really well for a 20 yo who didn’t have to pay rent.

But while sometimes jobs are a blessing, other times they are a curse, because earning a regular income just fuelled my addictions even more. I remember I was making good money but I was spending all of my paycheck on drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. My friends and I were also going to a lot of raves and events.

And so I found myself lived paycheck to paycheck despite making more money than most people my age.

So, during this time, as with most addictions, especially with drugs, it unconsciously drove me into major depression. And for the next two years or so, my depression would increasingly fuel my drug habits and my drug habits in turn would fuel my depression. And so, I was stuck in this cycle that sent me on a steep downward spiral. I found my thoughts becoming increasingly twisted and so I silenced those thoughts by intoxicating myself and I found myself becoming dependent on the drugs just to do basic things like eating and sleeping until the point where being sober felt strange to me.

What’s crazy is that during this time, my biggest fear in life was actually to be alone and sober with my thoughts. Because the voices of self-hatred and anxiety would be just overwhelmings. And there were times when I tried to quit on my own, but when I fell into one of these episodes, it was straight back to the bottom, so none of my attempts to quit lasted very long.

I remember that during some of my lowest moments at this time that I would actually feel and hear Satan taunting me. I would hear voices and have thoughts and images come into my head, literally showing me how much of a wreck my life had become and how beyond saving I was. And I believed those thoughts.

I remember during some of my lowest moments. I would say to God “please just end my life”. Because I was too much of a coward to seriously consider suicide. And I knew that hell would not be forever. So the thought of just vanishing into nothing for eternity, I was more than happy with that. And really, this is just the age old recipe of sin, that it starts out with the promise of the world, and ends in misery and death.

Fast forward a few years, I met my wife Audrey in 2016. We actually met in a rave, both high on drugs. And her first words to me was “do you want a cigarette?”. And I always think that will be interesting story to tell our kids in the future because raves really aren’t places that you would imagine meeting your future wife in.

But when we started dating, during the honeymoon periods I really thought at first that a lot of my problems were done away with. I mean we still partied a lot together and I was actually a terrible influence on her because I started teaching her to be dependent on drugs rather than just using it for recreational purposes. But at least there were some joy of a new relationship.

But after a few months, our relationship very quickly turned toxic. See, I had no idea how to be in a relationship and what it meant to love someone. We started having these really big fights pretty much every week and honestly, I didn’t think we would last. And at one point, coming off our biggest fight, we were on the verge of breaking up. But still trying to make it work, Audrey asked me whether I can go read a book. She hadn’t read it at that time and only heard about it. But most of you probably know the book. It’s called the “5 love languages” by Gary Chapman. If anyone has read that book, you would know that the author is a Christian and talks about love from the perspective of God’s love revealed in the bible. And little did I know that this would be the beginning of God calling me back to Him.

Because as I was reading through the book, I remember that every time I read about God’s love, I felt something in me, almost like being struck in the chest. And after I finish the book, I actually read it on the Apple Book app. And the app recommended another book that caught my eyes. And the second book was called “Who you are when no one’s looking”, again it was by a Christian author, and it forced me to really look at myself introspectively. And after that book, I was recommended a third book called “wild at heart”. And this is a powerful book. Its written by a Christian psychologist who talks about the importance of having Godly fathers in the lives of boys growing up and the consequences of not having that. And this book shone a light into my own psychology and why I was so deeply insecure.

At the end of those three books, I realised 3 things. I had absolutely no idea what love is and how to love, I had absolutely no idea who I was as a person, no identity of my own, and lastly, I knew that God was at work and was trying to call me back to him, and I wanted to want to respond. But I was really scared because I knew it meant having to give up the life I was living, and I had believed for years that I had gone too far. And so, I prayed in my heart. And my prayer was “Lord, I don’t know how, and I don’t even know if You can accept me after everything I’ve done, but if You can, please bring me back.”

And from that point on God started doing things in my life that I still find hard to explain. I still struggle to find the words to explain what happened or how it happened. All I know is that week after week after week, God started doing things in my life or in me or in Audrey and I’s relationship, that would leave me speechless. So many things that I thought I couldn’t live without, got stripped away one by one. From drugs to cigarettes, to alcohol, to music and entertainment, just starting losing their appeal to me and I was so heavily dependent on them every day for years.

And He started filling me with this hunger for Scripture, He started filling me with emotions that I had never experienced before. He started giving me a purpose in life and He taught me what love looks like. And he started showing me that he can take that fatherly role that I’ve missed all my life.

And at the same time he started to do things in Audrey’s life that were just amazing and I got to see first-hand how He transformed her life and our relationship.

And I so I can confidently stand up here and say that I know I’ve encountered the living God and that my life has never been the same. And he is the perfect father the we all need.

But at the same time, I do want to stress this. And its that I’m not going to say that it was easy. You know I’ve met so many people who think man I wish I had that experience of hitting rock bottom and having that dramatic testimony. And if that is you I just want to say, and we talked about this in SS too, and that is “you don’t need to know sin experientially to know sin and your need of salvation.” And the truth is, that until Jesus comes back and makes us whole and take away our sinful nature, our decisions in this life has last effects.

And you know, I wish I could say that the last few years has been smooth sailing ever since I gave my life back to Christ, that I never looked backed again. And I think we have this idea sometimes that those like me who have a dramatic encounter with God and its all good from there.

But if I’m being honest with you all, as much as the last few years have been a miracle, and the best years of my life, they have also been some of the most difficult years.

There were times where Audrey and I’s relationship was put under tremendous amount stress. At the same time, I had an image of what I wanted to be and expected to be after giving my life back to Christ, but I really have to tell you that, that image is still yet to actualise itself. Because while God took away so many of my habits just like that, He is also letting me wrestle a lot of things out.

And while some of my external behaviours have changed, the more that I am walking with God now, I’m realising that those external stuff, which many of us are amazed at, are so trivial to just how broken and messed up I am on the inside. And so even today, I still have to struggle with some of the consequences for the decisions I made. I still struggle with sin and the brokenness and the scars of those years. There were times of relapse, times of failure, where I didn’t think I was worth it, there were times where I made big mistakes, and there were times where I really doubted what God was doing in my life. Even with my calling into ministry, there are days where I doubt whether I can do this. There are still cycles of sinning and repenting, sinning, and repenting because some habits are stubborn.

But it was also these struggles of the last few years that has taught me the extent of God’s grace and faithfulness. And it is because of what He has revealed to me about Himself, it really is His love and faithfulness over the last few years that keeps me wanting to walk with Him.

And I know that my story sounds very much like the story of the Prodigal son. And I really, really wish that Jesus could’ve told a sequel to the story of the prodigal son, because I know that coming out of that lifestyle the younger son would’ve had to struggle with some of the habits and inner brokenness that he developed. And it would be awesome if Jesus could’ve told us how he would go on to overcome those struggles.

But really, as I reflect more on my story recently. The story of the prodigal son just doesn’t completely reflect the experience that I’ve had, not really. Because in the story of the prodigal son, what was the turning point for the younger son? Well, it was really when he found himself in physical desperation that he decides to turn back to the father. And even the parable of the lost sheep doesn’t really reflect the state that I was in, because unlike that sheep that went missing, I was not seeking to go back to God when he started calling me. In fact, as much as my life and relationship were a mess, I was content with the way it was going. My needs as far as I can tell were being met by the things of the world.

And so really my story is rather as if while the prodigal son was still living it up in that foreign land, the father would follow his son to a heathen, gentile land just to tell his son how much he loved him and wanted him back home. And I truly believe that’s what God did for me when he started speaking to me through those books.

Because really the story of the Gospel and our redemption isn’t just about us coming to realisation of our need, turning to God, and then having this amazing transformation. And please don’t get me wrong, those things are amazing and inspiring. But the heart of the Gospel in my life, and I believe in Scripture, is ultimately God’s love and his expression of that love when we were still dead in our sins.

What does Romans 5:8 say? That God demonstrates his love towards us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us. And we read later on in Romans that the carnal mind is enmity against God. It is not subject to the law of God neither indeed can be.

And Paul says that it is when we were enemies to God, that we were reconciled to God by the death of His Son.

And so, as I reflect on my story now, I’m not longer just amazed at my own transformation. Because if my love for God is simply based on how much better He has made my life, then that love is conditional. But what does John say? We love God because He first loved us.

And please don’t get me wrong, there are days where I still have to pinch myself, because God has turned my life upside down, that I have the privilege of being a minister of the Gospel. But my story really isn’t about that anymore, it is really about God’s pursuit me while I was yet His enemy, and his continual faithfulness to me despite my continual failure. And it is that faithful, consistent, enduring love that brought me to where I am today and it’s that love that keeps me wanting to walk with him and wanting to respond to Him every day.

God is the subject of the story here because He was the one that saw something in me when I was still an absolute mess. And that reminds me of a short parable found in Mathew 13, especially when we read it in context of Ellen White’s commentary. But we turn to Matthew 13:45-46 first, where we find the parable of the pearl. And Jesus says

Mat 13:45 "Again, the kingdom of heaven is like a merchant seeking beautiful pearls,

Mat 13:46 who, when he had found one pearl of great price, went and sold all that he had and bought it.

We often read this parable with the pearl referring to us seeking Jesus and the kingdom of heaven, but notice what Ellen White says in Christ Object lessons and it is one of the most beautiful things I’ve read.

The parable of the merchantman seeking goodly pearls has a double significance: it applies not only to men as seeking the kingdom of heaven, but to Christ as seeking His lost inheritance. Christ, the heavenly merchantman seeking goodly pearls, saw in lost humanity the pearl of price. In man, defiled and ruined by sin, He saw the possibilities of redemption. Hearts that have been the battleground of the conflict with Satan, and that have been rescued by the power of love, are more precious to the Redeemer than are those who have never fallen. God looked upon humanity, not as vile and worthless; He looked upon it in Christ, saw it as it might become through redeeming love. He collected all the riches of the universe, and laid them down in order to buy the pearl. And Jesus, having found it, resets it in His own diadem. “For they shall be as the stones of a crown, lifted up as an ensign upon His land.” Zechariah 9:16. “They shall be Mine, saith the Lord of hosts, in that day when I make up My jewels.” Malachi 3:17. COL 118.2

You know church, I never realised how deeply rooted my brokenness, and especially my insecurities were until I actually started walking with God. Because it is still something that I struggle with today, and it is still something that causes me to make mistakes today. But it is also the realisation of how much God loves a broken sinner like me and values a broken sinner like me, so much so as to pour out all of the riches of the universe in Christ upon me. It is in the realisation that my ultimate identify is somehow found within the love of God, in being treasured my my heavenly father, that I am beginning to heal from those feelings of insecurity and brokenness.

And there is no greater revelation of God’s love for us and his valuation of us than what Christ did for us upon the cross.

Growing up, even though I knew the fundamental beliefs. But I never truly understood the Cross, not really. I never truly understood why Jesus died for us.

But now. When I look to the Cross, I am beginning to see just how much God values us. To lay down all the treasures of the universe in Christ to purchase something so seemingly worthless. I see the God that chased after me. And I see the same God who is chasing after all of us. And Christ hanging on that cross, and taking the punishment and suffering that I know I deserve just to rescue someone like me and just so that someone like me can have to privilege of calling God my Father. Man! What else can I say other than “Behold, what manner of love”.

His love is the theme of all our stories. And it doesn’t matter what story you have in your life, whether dramatic or seemingly boring. There is only one story that we will be telling for eternity, and that is how Jesus found us and saved us from sin and death.

So, if there is anyone listening this morning, who feel like you are far from God. I know what that’s like, its hell. I had made an absolute mess of my life and was in a pit that I could not climb out of on my own. But I promise you that He is much closer than you think, and all He needs is the permission, and as with me, He will take care of the rest.

And if there is anyone listening who is struggling spiritually even after you’ve given your life to Christ. You know, stuck in that cycle of sinning and repenting, sinning and repenting. All I can say is keep going, keep trusting, because if God is not faithful and enduring, then I would not be standing here today.

And to anyone who may have grown up in broken families and or is just in want of love. I invite you in the words of the Apostle John to “Behold, what manner of love the Father has bestowed upon us, that we should be called the sons and daughters of God”

And so brothers and sisters. As unworthy as we are, as broken as we are, as messed up as we are. This afternoon, we can all cry out to the Almighty God “Abba, Father”, all because of what Christ Jesus did for us on that cross. May God bless you all as you reflect on His story.