Gospel Parenting

Throughout church history, intense theological debates have arisen that may seem abstract but actually impact real life in profound ways.

One such debate occurred between Augustine and Pelagius in the 4th and 5th centuries over the nature of human morality and sin.

Augustine looked at humanity post-fall and saw our utter inability to not sin apart from God's grace.

He felt humans have an inherent sinful nature that permeates our motives and actions, as reflected in his famous prayer to God: "Give what you command, and command what you will."

Augustine recognized our dependence on God's strength and mercy to obey and bear righteous fruit.

Pelagius staunchly opposed this view. He argued that human beings are basically good and neutral morally at birth.

We all have the full capacity to live righteously, avoid sin, and perfectly obey God's commands through our reason and willpower.

Pelagius rejected the notion of original sin shaping our choices toward evil. He was rather optimistic about human moral ability.

So the debate surrounded what is original sin and what impact does it have on us today?

This ancient debate continues to profoundly shape Christian parenting approaches today, often without us realizing it.

When a dad sees his 5-year old lie to avoid trouble, is his tendency to think: "He just made a mistake that needs corrective conditioning not to do again"?

Or does he think: "My son's heart is bent toward sin and he needs the gospel"?

A Pelagian view lends itself to parenting focused on external behavior modification through reward and punishment. It leads to an emphasis on moral development as children mature. Kids just need the right environment and coaching.

In contrast, an Augustinian understanding better recognizes the need for parenting that gets to heart issues and humanity's intrinsic sin problem.

This approach relies on the inner working of God's grace through the truth of the gospel. Rules still matter but mainly as means to reveal inner motives and needs.

The stakes feel high because our theology impacts our home life even if we don't realize it.

Flawed theology often hurts children through parenting tactics built more on control than grace.

But sound doctrine provides strong foundations for parenting flowing from biblical truths.

As fathers, we face a choice between parenting models. While I don’t think any of us believe that a purely Pelagian theology is biblical - we do need wisdom for how to weave the truth of the Gospel in our approach to parenting.

Do we treat behavior as the main issue or aim deeper at spiritual transformation?

Do we rely more on parental conditioning or Spirit conviction?

Do we focus on moral development or redemption through Christ?

Is parenting mostly an exercise of controlling behavior or exposing our need for grace?

The answers trace back to our core beliefs about human sin and virtue.

Theology and Parenting

Whether we realize it or not, our core beliefs about human nature, sin, morality, and redemption shape our approach with our kids.

We often absorb parenting ideas from our culture or experience as kids without discerning the worldview behind those strategies.

This gets us into trouble. Flawed theology produces flawed parenting tactics.

For example, if we minimize the gravity of sin and see children as essentially good, just needing redirection, we can rely too much on behavior modification techniques like rewards, consequences and training consistency.

Don’t get me wrong, clear guidelines and discipline absolutely have their place. But they should flow out of a biblical view of children as willful sinners in need of inward renewal and grace, not just better behavior.

Our kids' deepest need gets missed in parenting focused mainly on external compliance to rules. Our children need changed hearts even more than changed actions.

As Tedd Tripp warns, "A change in behavior that does not stem from a change in heart is not commendable; it is condemnable.”

Sadly, many parenting approaches borrow more from the leading psychological theories than Scripture.

They end up relying too much on consequences to shape behavior rather than the inward work of the Spirit applying the gospel to reorient motives and identity.

We end up demanding external righteousness from our kids while missing opportunities to address root sins and shepherd their souls.

Our home feels less like a greenhouse where gospel seeds get planted and watered and more like military bootcamp where strict adherence is the highest value.

Even if we get obedience on the short term, the questions remain:

Who are they becoming on the inside?

Do they understand why they need Jesus

Or just compliance to moral standards?

May we fiercely safeguard our kids from any approach hyper-focused just on their external performance.

Our children need dads who get beneath their behavior into matters of the heart.

Men who parent according to a thoroughly biblical view of sin and grace.

Who know that true obedience and virtue grow from within, nourished by Jesus our vine.

Jesus The Vine

A key passage that teaching this is John 15:1-5

John 15:4–5 CSB

4 Remain in me, and I in you. Just as a branch is unable to produce fruit by itself unless it remains on the vine, neither can you unless you remain in me. 5 I am the vine; you are the branches. The one who remains in me and I in him produces much fruit, because you can do nothing without me.

Brothers, our kids know plenty of rules. But do they grasp why they break them –

that their hearts drift toward sin?

Do they see how Jesus fulfilled God’s standards they constantly fall short of?

A 4-year old selfishly cuts in line.

A 10-year old lies about finishing her reading.

A 14-year old lashes out in anger after losing.

In those moments, do we only enforce consequences? Or also ask heart questions to underscore their need for Christ within?

Yes, clear guidelines and discipline absolutely have their place. But they should flow from a biblical view of children’s sin and God’s grace.

May we never settle for just behavior modification at home!

Our children need changed hearts even more than changed actions.

They need a Savior whose righteousness covers their tainted efforts. One in whom they abide and bear fruit that lasts forever.

As family shepherds, we should aim for beautifully behaved children who also know themselves as desperate sinners needing their Savior.

Who grasp that real heart healing comes from Jesus’ redemptive power, not just parental enforcement.

May we be fathers who never settle for just moral conformity and conduct coaching!

Practical Application

f we agree God cares more about our kids’ hearts than just their external behavior, what does that actually look like day-to-day?

Let me offer some practical ideas grounded in biblical truth.

Use Gospel Categories

First, we must saturate our parenting with gospel categories.

Our kids need help understanding the deceitfulness of sin that lurks within (Hebrews 3:13), not just correction for naughty deeds.

When we address disobedience, let’s also ask questions to unmask sinful motives: “What made you so angry that you hit your brother? What lies were you believing about yourself or God?”

Alongside this, kids need consistent assurance of God’s complete forgiveness and love through Christ.

As 1 John 1:9 promises, “If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

Frequent repentance and faith conversations equip children to fight sin’s lies in God’s strength rather than their own futile striving.

Celebrate Virtue

Secondly, emphasize positive virtues not just negative vices.

What if punishment for lying also included asking, “How can we nurture honest desire so deceit doesn’t sound as tempting?”

Or after an apology, we also explore, “How can we honor others better in our thoughts and words?”

Here God’s Word offers much wisdom, like

replacing foolishness with understanding (Proverbs 9:6),

being transformed by the renewing of our minds (Romans 12:2)

and setting our minds on Christ and his ways continually (Colossians 3:1-2).

Let’s leverage Scripture to help kids align inward reality with outward actions.

Shepherd the Heart

Thirdly, shepherd the heart in addition to dealing with their behavior.

When wrongdoings warrant correction, we best shepherd kids by debriefing afterwards about root sins and heart idols so they grasp spiritual issues more than just penalties for mistakes.

When it comes to our bad behaviors there is always a sin behind the sin. The root of all sin is unbelief.

Even before you kids become a Christian their hearts are still idol making factories. Help them identify what’s going on under the hood.

Model Repentance

Lastly, our kids desperately need models of repentance and faith more than critics of wrong behavior.

Dads, our sons and daughters need us humbly admitting faults and demonstrably receiving God’s grace so they witness firsthand the power of Christ at work within fallen people.

May we freely confess sins and need for a Savior, showing kids ourselves as fellow works in progress like them.

Your parenting goal cannot simply be well behaved children. It must be children who practice repentance and faith on an ongoing basis.

Brothers, whether 6 or 16, our precious children need so much more than outward conformity to rules. May we parent from strong theology into the very fabric of our kids’ inner lives with gospels seeds and redeeming grace.

Conclusion

Brothers, we’ve covered much ground this morning tracing how our theology shapes our parenting.

From ancient disputes to contemporary debates, one thing looms certain – our kids need fathers anchored in sound doctrine who apply truth to home life.

I hope glimpsing the gaping differences between Pelagius and Augustine showed that seeming abstract theology debates carry real weight for how we raise children.

Our children need more than boundary protection from a holy God, as crucial as that remains. They need rescue by a gracious Savior.

So men, examine your parenting methods. Do they lean more towards behavior modification to force external change? Or gospel renewal to nurture internal change?

Christ insists that apart from abiding in Him, we can bear no fruit.

So we must parent out of union with Jesus, not just to control outcomes.

Parenting flows from being, not doing, as Dallas Willard wrote.

What do our kids really need from us? Better adherance to family rules? Or better grasping of spiritual reality in Christ?

To just stop lying? Or to embrace God’s truth in exchange for deceit?

Yes, clear family guidelines matter. But we best shape kids through questions of

being over behavior,

of the heart beyond habits.

Of identity over idolatry,

wisdom over foolishness,

humility over pride.