Fighting Well

Fighting rules 

If you ever watching boxing or a Rocky movie you know that there are rules in boxing. Two warriors stand in the middle of the ring, the ref reminds them he has gone over the rules and then they touch gloves and do battle. They are fighting but they have agreed to a certain set of rules in this fight. Things like:

No eye gouging

No low blows

No hitting while the other is down

For us, we are not in a battle, even if it can feel that way sometimes, because the the goal is not to it to win the fight. If your goal is to win the fight you have already lost. The goal is to not to win, the goal is to move towards mutual growth and the betterment of the relationship.

I want to make a quick preface for today.

We have settled the fact that we need to have our relationship in Christ secure. Brad did an amazing job with that. Last week we talked about loving well. In one sense it is easy to love well because things are good. But fighting well, if we can get this right it is amazing.

The enemy wants to destroy strong Christian marriages and relationships. We will be speaking mostly in terms of marriage today but these things can generally be applied to siblings, dating, parents, and any other relationship we can think of. If we can build strong Christian relationships that can weather storms we show the truth of our testimony and the reality of Christ in us.

There is no shortage of things to argue about in a marriage. Some of the most common are:

Household Responsibilities

Alone Time

Communication Styles

Handling Emotions

Sex /Intimacy

Jealousy

Lack of Affection

Decision Making

Finances

Lack of Attention

Friends/Family

Work/Life balance

Parenting

This makes sense because marriage is two people attempting to become one. As we do this though, as we start to become one some amazing and wonderful things happen. Sometime we start to dress the same.

But in the process of two becoming one there is tension and rubbing the edges off of each other.

But that does not mean we cannot be civilized and work towards a common goal of loving well. It is also very important that we do this well because if we do it wrong there are consequences.

To fight well right leads to life. To fight wrong leads to pain.

Ephesians 4:26–27 CSB

Be angry and do not sin. Don’t let the sun go down on your anger, and don’t give the devil an opportunity.

Hebrews 12:15 CSB

Make sure that no one falls short of the grace of God and that no root of bitterness springs up, causing trouble and defiling many.

Anger is not really the issue it is what we do with that anger. Do we give into it and allow it to run rampant or do we control it? Our anger left uncontrolled and unresolved can lead to bitterness and bitterness can lead to division which leads to trouble and defilement.

When we do not deal with our anger and our frustration we give the devil a foothold.

I also want to add that I am not paragon of virtue. I make mistakes all the time but perfection is not the goal, it is about learning, growing, and loving.

What we can do is come up with with some mutually agreed up rules for our fights and arguments. Also while I am specifically talking about this in the context of marriage we can apply these rules and others to every relationship we have that we want to be healthy.

Humility

Colossians 3:12 CSB

Therefore, as God’s chosen ones, holy and dearly loved, put on compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness, and patience,

Understand that you might be wrong. The first thing is really just be humble and understand you might be wrong. There are three sides to every story. Theirs, yours, and the truth.

A big part of this is listening to hear and not to respond. So often the mistake we make in an argument is that we did not hear what the actual issue was and instead we assumed because we are right we know what the other person is saying. But if we take the time to listen and be humble we can avoid some unnecessary issues.

Assume Positive Intent

This is hard in life and very hard in an argument but we should always be trying to assume positive intent. To assume positive intent shows respect and tells the other person we love them and care for them. It communicates that we are humble and that we value them.

Proverbs 15:1 CSB

A gentle answer turns away anger, but a harsh word stirs up wrath.

Assuming positive intent goes so far in not only avoiding a fight sometimes but it can dissolve frustration before the thing boils over. We are going to make assumptions so chose to assume the other person had positive motives and not ill intent. Also assume the person bringing up an issue is not being difficult but trying to address something that is bothering them.

We as human beings are really good at jumping to conclusions, but the more we can get out of our own way and allow the other person to speak what is on their mind the better off we are.

No tearing the other person down.

When we are fighting and arguing we do not have to tear the other person down. Like we said in the beginning the we are not trying to win the fight we are trying to move towards mutual growth and the betterment of the relationship. We are not trying to demoralize the other person or make them feel less than. If my wife comes to me with a complaint about something and my response is to tear her down, I am the one in the wrong now.

Galatians 6:9 CSB

Let us not get tired of doing good, for we will reap at the proper time if we don’t give up.

It is easy to give up on doing good when you are in an argument, but that is exactly when you need to press in and continue. Don’t give in to the temptation to tear down.

Don’t Bring Up Past Fights

Don’t bring up the past. If a previous fight is over and the person has changed don’t bring it up. Stay focused on the issue at hand.

No obviously if you are arguing about the same thing then by all means but so often we dig up the past to either win or because we never really moved on from the past thing.

Ephesians 4:32 CSB

And be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving one another, just as God also forgave you in Christ.

We are called to forgive one another. This means letting it go and not holding it over the other person anymore.

Forgiveness is about letting it go. You have probably heard that holding on to unforgiveness is like drinking poison and expecting the other person to die. Or forgiving someone like opening a prison door and realizing you were the one locked inside. That is all true. We are called to forgive others and that doesn not mean it is easy or fun but it is the call. Our offering of forgiveness is not about the persons willingness to ask for it or deserve it. We forgive because in Christ, God forgives us.

But here is the hard part forgiveness is not forgetfulness. God forgives and then forgets or more clearly He chooses not to hold it over us. But there consequences. We can forgive and not allow people back into a space where they can hurt us again. Forgiveness does not always mean reconciliation and access. I have had some people hurt me deeply in my life. People that have done the unthinkable. People who have left scars. I have forgiven them but I do not let them close enough to cause new wounds.

We can forgive and not allow someone to hurt us again.

No name calling

This should go without saying because we are adults. But I wanted to mention it in passing. There is no place for name calling. That falls into the low blow category. Name calling is just about winning and cutting the other person down, it does nothing to build them up.

No Backup

Unless you are going to someone to help bring resolution don’t bring others into your argument. This conversation is more than likely just between the two of you and it is not a tag team match. When we are done with the fight we have moved on but if you bring others into it they may still be hold a grudge. 

Matthew 18:15–16 CSB

“If your brother sins against you, go tell him his fault, between you and him alone. If he listens to you, you have won your brother. But if he won’t listen, take one or two others with you, so that by the testimony of two or three witnesses every fact may be established.

There is nothing wrong with bringing in another person if the situation is bad enough that it calls for it. Sometimes there is a need for an mediator. Someone who is not part of the situation who can speak life and hope into your situation. But often that is not why we go tell someone else. Usually it is because we want to complain or have someone tell us how right we are and how wrong the other person is. How many posts on social media are really just complaints about someone else?

Sometimes we wonder why our parents don’t like our spouse but maybe it is because you been complaining about them to your parents. They don’t know you moved on and everything is ok now.

Now again, maybe you need a confidant. Someone you can talk to in order to get an unbiased opinion or just a shoulder to cry on. That is ok that happens sometimes. But here are some ideas to consider.

same sex

outside the situation

does not have a dog in the fight

it’s not all the time

You will report back the outcome

To go to another person of the opposite sex for consoling is only going to bring about problems. Unless this person is a pastor or counselor of some kind do not do it.

Comparison is a Thief

No comparisons to exes, parents, siblings, or other people.

Comparison is a thief. It not only steals joy but dignity and personhood. When we go and tell our spouse “You’re just like your mother.” We not only run the risk of getting something thrown at us we tell them they are not their own person. Comparison is such a thief.

If you have been in other relationships and you start to compare this person to your ex you are also placing baggage on them they do not deserve. They did not cause those wounds. You are placing a burden on them they cannot and should not carry.

Now part of being in a relationship with someone is helping them unpack baggage they carry but we have to be careful about not placing things on people they did not do.

Don’t shut down

Don’t just get all “well I am not saying anything then.” If there is one I have struggled more than others with it is this one. I apologized all the time because I didn’t want to argue or fight so I just say I am sorry and take the blame. This is wrong and does not do justice to the situation or give the other person the freedom to be able to express their feelings.

You think you are doing a good thing by trying to avoid the fight but really you are just being a victim and not allowing the other person to speak.

Don’t go to bed angry if at all possible. 

At a certain point you have said all that you can say. But when at all possible don’t just go to bed. Work to resolve the issue while you can.

Fight For Your Marriage

We also fight for our marriages. We want strong healthy marriages that reflect Christ’s glory and honor Him. 

The devil does not play by any rules so we need to be prepared.

1 Peter 5:8–9 CSB

Be sober-minded, be alert. Your adversary the devil is prowling around like a roaring lion, looking for anyone he can devour. Resist him, firm in the faith, knowing that the same kind of sufferings are being experienced by your fellow believers throughout the world.

Ephesians 6:12 CSB

For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the cosmic powers of this darkness, against evil, spiritual forces in the heavens.

People are not the enemy. We do not fight our spouse with the goal of winning but when it comes to the enemy, the real enemy we get ready to do battle.

We understand the Lord is the one who fights for us but we are still engaged in the battle.

If you have a strong Christian marriage understand that you have a target on your back. You are a target because a strong Christian marriage is a threat to enemy’s plans. If he can separate you two the effects are far and wide.

when divorce happens there is a reason we call it a broken home. It fractures something. Wherever you are now you are. There is no condemnation. If you have been divorced I get it. I have been there but things can be different now in the name of Jesus!

Pray for your partner.

Pray for spiritual protection.

Pray they can withstand the attacks of the enemy. 

Pray the spiritual armor of God over them. 

Pray for blessings over them.

Pray the armor of God over yourself and over your spouse.

Ephesians 6:14–17 CSB

Stand, therefore, with truth like a belt around your waist, righteousness like armor on your chest, and your feet sandaled with readiness for the gospel of peace. In every situation take up the shield of faith with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit—which is the word of God.

Pray for your spouse that as they go out into the world and are attacked on all side that they:

Have truth around their waist holding them together.

They have righteousness, the righteousness of Christ hemming them in.

That their feet and their steps are protected in peace.

That the shield of faith protects them against the lies of the enemy.

That their minds are protected and that they are reminded of their salvation.

Pray that they can be in the Word of God and that they receive revelation and wisdom from God.