Relationships 2024 wk 3

The Kill Cycle

Good morning, CHURCH!

Welcome to FFM where we love God and love people.

I’m Dr. James Byrd and this is my amazing wife Dr. Angel Byrd and together we are “The Love Byrd’s.”

(Introduction)

It’s Relationships Month.

Are you ready to be equipped today?

Are you ready to learn something about relationships?

Let me see your Bibles.

Let’s Pray

Lord, help us to see you as new and fresh through your word today.

Help us to see truth where we have believed lies.

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Help us to see where we have been deceived by the enemy.

Most of all whatever we learn today I pray it leads us to love you more and love people more.

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Scripture:

‌Genesis 2:24 NIV

That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.

My individual mission and her individual mission now takes a back seat to the mission of this new entity.

The Marriage!

Malachi 2:15 NIV

Has not the one God made you? You belong to him in body and spirit. And what does the one God seek? Godly offspring. So be on your guard, and do not be unfaithful to the wife of your youth.

One of God’s missions for the marriage is to populate the earth with Godly offspring.

We are in week 3 of relationship month 2024.

Relationships 2024

Today’s message title is:

The Kill Cycle

Hopefully we all want to be the best version of ourselves.

And hopefully we want to be the best version of ourselves in our relationships.

Especially if you are married.

To be the best version of ourselves we need to be that healthy adult that we talked about last week.

You know the one that is responsible for our own well-being in the areas of our physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual state.

And we need to be in relationship with God.

The thing that eats away at us being the best version of ourselves in our relationship is the way we react to the fears and insecurities within us. (X2)

Explain

And when you give in to those reactions to your fears and insecurities you enter what we call: The Kill Cycle.

Why do we call it the kill cycle you ask?

Because it will kill any relationship over time.

These reactions take place when we leave our own separate boundaries.

(Remember the Flourishing Marriage Model from last week?)

The sweet spot is where the two healthy adults that have been with God leave that place and enter the sweet spot together.

The negative reactions to our fears, turn the sweet spot into a sour spot.

We’re going to talk a lot more about this kill cycle starting with:

Point #1

Ouch That Hurts

How many of you would love to get rid of the cycles of conflict in your relationship?

Explain – We’re bent towards blaming the other person.

We react negatively to each other primarily because of our fears and not because of what the other person has done or said.

The other person has unfortunately bumped into a painful scar or wound probably from something traumatic in our childhood or in a past relationship.

It’s no different than if you cut your right hand during a fall the other day.

And then I come up to you today and shake your right hand.

I have unintentionally pressed up against a wound, and until that wound heals, you’re either going to react to it or avoid anyone touching it.

And here are some of the scars we have from our past:

Abandonment, betrayal, feeling controlled, disappointment, disconnection, rejection, feeling ignored, feeling judged, lack of intimacy, failure, helpless, powerless and many more.

When you react to your wounds/triggers negatively or aggressively now because I was not aware of what just happened, I will react to your reaction.

Which initiates the kill cycle.

And as my wife says, “We have just started running on the hamster wheel.”

This is what the hamster wheel or kill cycle can look like.

Here are some things that cause reactions to buttons:

Escalate, independence, defensiveness, resentment, fact find, fix-it-mode, judge, mind read, minimize etc.

Now I’m blaming you and your blaming me and by the time we end the conversation we’re both angry, frustrated, energy depleted, and the relationship is losing.

Now let’s talk about how to stay out of the kill cycle.

Point #2

Avoiding the Kill Cycle

First, let me start by telling you what doesn’t work.

Focusing on the reactions to your fears or insecurities never works.

You don’t try will yourself to stop reacting that way.

And you don’t try to influence your spouse to stop reacting that way.

Focusing on the reactions only causes you to avoid the deeper issue which is the real issue.

(What is going on inside of you.)

The way to start avoiding falling into the kill cycle is to create space.

And I’m not talking about space between you and your spouse.

Even though at times physical space between you and your spouse may be a good idea.

I’m talking about space between your fears/insecurities and your reactions to them.

This doesn’t solve the deeper issue of why you’re fearful or insecure, but it does keep you out of the kill cycle.

I liken it to the old saying, “If you want to get out of a ditch, the first thing you have to do is stop digging.”

Digging your marriage into a ditch is what you’re doing when you keep reacting to your pain or you keep reacting to your spouse’s reactions to their pain.

And putting space between your reactions and your fears is so empowering because it doesn’t require you to need or force any changes from your spouse.

This is something you can work on and achieve all on your own. (Just you and Holy Spirit.)

Point #3

How do I separate myself?

As we mentioned earlier, avoiding the kill cycle is not about some self will approach to avoiding the reactions.

This approach will take some intentionality.

We are going to have to become aware of ourselves and what’s going on inside us and even with our body.

Our body gives us clues when we are about to enter the kill cycle.

We may get clammy, nervous twitches, cracks in the voice, sweaty palms or under arms.

We are going to have to learn to be aware of the signals our body is giving us before we start to react.

(It’s kind of like the dad that was walking along the road with his son and was able to tell his son exactly when a bird was going to fly away.)

Next week will talk about what you need to do to care for yourself beneath the surface to bring about the healing from your fears and insecurities.

The reason your body is alerting you that you are about to enter the kill cycle is because there are some things you want from your spouse, or maybe you don’t even know you want, and you don’t feel like you’re getting them.

But let us help you, you’ve been going about trying to get them the wrong way.

Some of the things you may be wanting:

Intimacy, companionship, affection, safety, connection, commitment, and more.

Think of this space we create between our fears and reactions as a time out in a basketball game.

(And most of you have tried to do this before.)

When we learn to put this space between our reactions and our fears, we stop the digging and stay out of the kill cycle.

This will slow down the impact our fear reaction has been having long enough for us to examine what is going on beneath the surface that is driving our reactions.

Then you can sort through your internal emotions and thoughts to see where the fear actual stems from.

And remember next week we will focus on what to do with what lies beneath.

In closing we want to caution you about something.

If only one of you is working on creating this space between your fears and reactions, it may appear to your spouse like you’re avoiding or withdrawing from them.

To help your spouse to know that you’re not withdrawing or attempting to avoid them, there are some key phrases you can use to create healthy space.

When you are aware of your bodies signal to you; try saying something like, “Excuse me but I’m noticing some feelings stirring up inside of me, and I’m going to take a little break to examine what’s going on inside me.”

Or “I’m feeling some kind of way, and I don’t want to say the wrong thing from a negative reaction and cause any damage to us, so give me a moment to examine myself.”

Things along this line will let your spouse know that you are doing the work that it takes to keep you out of the kill cycle.

Be sure to let your spouse know what your plan is to return to them and complete the conversation.

If you’re watching online or here in the building, I have a very important question to ask you.

What is the Holy Spirit saying to you right now?